My Fifth Step Experience
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
My Fifth Step Experience
Please note. I am not looking for advice. Just sharing my experience with the 5th step. This is very messy and raw. I am not looking for anyone to read this and point out my flaws and defects...believe me I know where they are. They are glaring. I am sharing this in the hope that I might be helpful. While my fifth was not a "phew, that's over, I am FREE" experience, it was still very valuable. Very painful and intimate and more valuable than anything I've experienced.
I started writing in October of 2015 and shared my 5th step this weekend (April 8-10, 2016). The reading and discussion with my sponsor took 12 hours total.
This was my experience:
I was not ashamed to read my 5th as I am close to my sponsor and she knew everything that was in my notebooks anyway.
Reading my 5th I really felt like "Oh God, I am so sick of myself! I can't listen to myself read this BS anymore...I am so done!" Really it was like a broken record...the same character defects cropped up over and over and over again.
After I did my one hour of private reflection my sponsor had some really tough questions for me. Was I ready for a whole new life? Yes and No. I admitted I still romance about being at a bar stool drinking a martini and having my life be okay. I said that all this work of "self mutilation" and soul searching seemed like torment. She told me point blank that I should go back to drinking then... She'd actually take me to a bar and buy me some drinks. I started crying and she was like "tell me what your thinking" and I was screaming that I hate this book, I hate AA, I hate this program etc. I started screaming crying "This book is bulls**t and effin stupid!" She said "GOOD tell me more!" At this point I was snot-nosed crying and I said "I'm afraid...I am afraid because I have no options but to believe the promises in this book and do this work because the alternatives are to go out and drink and fall on my face or to kill myself." And she smiled at me. I wanted to punch her. And we talked about the options. I was crying and begging her to tell me it gets better and I can some day not miss alcohol and cultivate a life I love and she told me I could but there's no fairy dust and I need to actively seek God and be prepared for more painful recovery to get to where I want to be.
I felt such utter despair, but, when she offered to go and get me a drink then and there I slammed my fists against the table and sobbed and I said "No! No, there's nothing left in a drink for me... It's over. I'm done. What do I have to go to get to where I want to be??" She smiled and said "Ok brave girl.... I'll show you."
I really felt like a cornered rat... Like, I've got nothing left up my sleeve... No tricks left. She knows everything about me. Everything. The house of cards I built has toppled over and my only option is to build another life and do all this hard work. I cried like a baby.
Hardest experience ever but also the most rewarding because I was able to express how I really felt and she let me come to my own conclusion that I need to continue this work... There's no other option.
I started writing in October of 2015 and shared my 5th step this weekend (April 8-10, 2016). The reading and discussion with my sponsor took 12 hours total.
This was my experience:
I was not ashamed to read my 5th as I am close to my sponsor and she knew everything that was in my notebooks anyway.
Reading my 5th I really felt like "Oh God, I am so sick of myself! I can't listen to myself read this BS anymore...I am so done!" Really it was like a broken record...the same character defects cropped up over and over and over again.
After I did my one hour of private reflection my sponsor had some really tough questions for me. Was I ready for a whole new life? Yes and No. I admitted I still romance about being at a bar stool drinking a martini and having my life be okay. I said that all this work of "self mutilation" and soul searching seemed like torment. She told me point blank that I should go back to drinking then... She'd actually take me to a bar and buy me some drinks. I started crying and she was like "tell me what your thinking" and I was screaming that I hate this book, I hate AA, I hate this program etc. I started screaming crying "This book is bulls**t and effin stupid!" She said "GOOD tell me more!" At this point I was snot-nosed crying and I said "I'm afraid...I am afraid because I have no options but to believe the promises in this book and do this work because the alternatives are to go out and drink and fall on my face or to kill myself." And she smiled at me. I wanted to punch her. And we talked about the options. I was crying and begging her to tell me it gets better and I can some day not miss alcohol and cultivate a life I love and she told me I could but there's no fairy dust and I need to actively seek God and be prepared for more painful recovery to get to where I want to be.
I felt such utter despair, but, when she offered to go and get me a drink then and there I slammed my fists against the table and sobbed and I said "No! No, there's nothing left in a drink for me... It's over. I'm done. What do I have to go to get to where I want to be??" She smiled and said "Ok brave girl.... I'll show you."
I really felt like a cornered rat... Like, I've got nothing left up my sleeve... No tricks left. She knows everything about me. Everything. The house of cards I built has toppled over and my only option is to build another life and do all this hard work. I cried like a baby.
Hardest experience ever but also the most rewarding because I was able to express how I really felt and she let me come to my own conclusion that I need to continue this work... There's no other option.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
I can fully appreciate your tag line at the bottom of your post Bunny ...
Go straight to Hell and make a U-turn.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and it happened for me by taking those Steps that led me out of Hell ... the 12 Steps
Go straight to Hell and make a U-turn.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and it happened for me by taking those Steps that led me out of Hell ... the 12 Steps
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,903
thanks Bunny,I can relate
When I got to my 5th step,I was not ashamed to read it to my sponsor also,because we had met weekly for about one year and he already knew everything.I was so sick of me and my old way of living I was ready to do whatever it took for a new life.It looks like you have a really good sponsor.
pass it on and have a good day!
When I got to my 5th step,I was not ashamed to read it to my sponsor also,because we had met weekly for about one year and he already knew everything.I was so sick of me and my old way of living I was ready to do whatever it took for a new life.It looks like you have a really good sponsor.
pass it on and have a good day!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,620
Congratulations on getting through your fifth Bunny. If the book is anything to go by, and it was for me, some pretty amazing things will be happening with you.
For me and almost everyone I have seen take the fifth step, leaving nothing out, no skeletons left in the closet, the effect is dramatic. They almost glow. it's so powerful. It was a major turning point for me. As I read those fifth step promises afterwards, I realised these AA dudes were telling me the truth. Nothing could hold me back after that.
Glad you could join me on the broad highway, walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe.
For me and almost everyone I have seen take the fifth step, leaving nothing out, no skeletons left in the closet, the effect is dramatic. They almost glow. it's so powerful. It was a major turning point for me. As I read those fifth step promises afterwards, I realised these AA dudes were telling me the truth. Nothing could hold me back after that.
Glad you could join me on the broad highway, walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Yep. For me , there IS no other option. And the 5th step has given us the gift of illustrating to us exactly where our focus needs to lay.
Awake, O sleeper,
and arise from the dead,
And Christ will shine on you.
(Ephesians 5)
That light can be a bit blinding and painful at times, but I've sure not got any intention of heading back to the darkness.
Congratulations Bunny x
Awake, O sleeper,
and arise from the dead,
And Christ will shine on you.
(Ephesians 5)
That light can be a bit blinding and painful at times, but I've sure not got any intention of heading back to the darkness.
Congratulations Bunny x
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
