Caldus

Tonight, I found out from my family that my sister was checked into rehab today after her workplace called my mom and asked where she had been for the last several days. My mom and other people showed up to her apartment and found bottles and vodka bottles everywhere. She was vomiting everywhere and won't get into the other specifics. It just sounded incredibly horrifying. Long story short, she would have most likely died if no one had come up to check up on her today. I am just utterly shocked to hear about it. She had been sober (supposedly) for a few months prior to this. I know how powerful this disease is so it's not surprising how fast she went downhill. At the same time, it's still just so shocking.

I don't mean to make the rest of this topic about me as opposed to her (I really am worried about her and will be visiting home soon to attend to the situation) ... but this is something I feel like I can't really discuss with my family so I decided to post here instead. Currently, I live over 700 miles away from my family. I have not lived with my family since I graduated college in 2007. As bad as it sounds, I enjoy the independence and having my own life in another city. With the news earlier this year about my sister being an alcoholic and now with this, I'm starting to feel really bad about living so far away from everyone. I feel like a scumbag in a way ... just out here hearing about the news but never around to help or be around for her (although she is the type to not seek help and isolate).

Is it right to live in another city when you have a family member who is really sick like this? I mean she almost died this time around. On the other hand, getting sober is an inside job for each person. I can be there to help, be around, be supportive, etc ... but she will have to be the one who decides to get sober. In other words, I can only do so much. What are your thoughts?

Boleo

Principle - try to help other alcoholics. Boundary - We are only human and can do only so much.

Lets say you did give up your job, move back home and devote all of your time to trying to help your sister; Do you really think you could fix her?

My suggestion is that you post this again in the F&FoA forum or go to some Al-Anon meetings to learn more about detachment and boundaries.

Caldus

Those were my thoughts exactly. I just wanted to make sure my thinking was straight. Good idea I may go there as well. I'm starting to suspect that I may need to go Al-Anon one day as well.

KimsFriend

I also live far away from my family. I have often been overcome with guilt whenever something tragic has taken place, or when someone is sick or suffering.
I moved away when I was 21, and now I am almost 40. So much had happened over these two decades that have made me question my loyalty. I started seeking therapy a few years ago because the guilt over "getting out" while I watched my siblings and best friend suffer various tragedies became almost crippling to me.

But God has His ways. That therapy helped me into my own sober recovery and the program has helped me see that the best "help" I can be to anyone is to stay sober and healthy. Distance is not the great separator - the disease is. And that's just where your sister is right now.

And I want to thank you for this post. This is exactly what I needed to read today. My best friend is caught up in her disease and is making some horrible decisions that could be life threatening. My first reaction was "if only I lived closer- if only I was there physically more" and all the other self defeating thoughts. Reading your post snapped me right back into reality. I AM NOT THAT POWERFUL TO STOP SOMEONE ELSE FROM USING.
But I will be sober and healthy for when (or if) she decides she's had enough.

I will keep your sister in my thoughts and prayers!

tomsteve

One thing I've learned with ANY alcoholic:
I didn't cause it
Can't control it
Can't cure it.

I had family close by and that didn't help me a bit to stop drinking. It wasn't until I wanted to get sober ANd willing to put in the footwork.

Carry the message, not the alcoholic.

This would be a good time to take the situation and work the steps through it.

skg

I believe you are free to feel guilty or shameful, and there may be a basis for considering relocation down the road if you're going to do your living amends within your family. Many do once the obsession is lifted and a psychic change has occurred. There are many families that welcome the prodigal sibling back with open and loving arms.

That hasn't been MY experience, however. I live 1300 miles away on purpose, and I know that all the old environments, conditions, and caustic relationships still exist despite my sobriety. Turns out it WAS a condition of my addictions...


Suggestion: Take a trip to see your sister and to offer her support--not a lecture--and accompany her to a few meetings. Show her what sobriety/spiritual fitness looks like, and examine the conditions that she's surrounded herself with. Turn her over to God and pray for her. And leave.

"Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." James 5:16

Intercessory prayers (prayer for others) is a calling and it profits much in being able to do something from afar as well as helping her on her path. There IS something you can do from where you are. Don't tell everyone, either. This is between you and God.

If things begin to improve and you're certain you can integrate into your family and she's staying sober, THEN make plans to relocate if you want.

Or you can do what you want.

WMJ1012

Did you get sober with your sister's help?

Caldus

No. I get your point though.