Berrybean

This morning I woke up in a rage. It's a while since I felt like that, and there was no real reason so it took me by surprise a little. My partner called out from the bedroom when he woke up "You okay?" (I think he asked because I was running a little later than normal, probably because I was busy being angry and hating everyone). I managed to calmly tell him, "No. I've woken up with a real rage. I keep thinking of people that I'm angry with, and feel like I hate them. But there's no real reason. I'm just being crazy and need to get myself straight. Can you give me five minutes so I can do my meditations?"
He said, okay and pointed out that at least I don't wake up like that on a regular basis now. At least I can recognise that I'm being unreasonable. At least I recognise that I can choose to change my perspective. And that, since I've been working my program he doesn't feel the need to hide away from me to avoid getting caught in the fall-out of my rages.

Anyway. I did my meditation and then took my i-pod with me in the car and listened to an AA Speaker recording (Earl) as I drove to work. By the time I was there I was in a calmer, healthier, saner, frame of mind, and coped with my day without upset, and my partner even sent a couple of texts checking how I was (which is very unlike him!).

In the past (pre-AA) I'd have woken in a rage and fallen out with my partner by instigating an argument as soon as he woke up. We'd have both gone off to work angry and full of hate for each other. Any texts would have been of a point scoring nature. Once at work I'd probably have got to the self-pity stage, and spent all day being a drain on everyone and replaying the mornings argument, convincing myself how thoughtless my partner was, and mentally replaying every other resentment against him until I was back in a rage again.... on and on and on...

I really don't know where I found all the energy for all my anger, and those rages. I am SO grateful that I now understand that I have a choice, and can work myself through resentments and come to an understanding of what I need to change (in myself) to get over them. I still find it hard work, but not even a fraction of how exhausting and demoralising my old ways were.

Phew.

Fluffer

Well done, Beccs. Now if you could only talk to Lady Fluffer....

Berrybean

lol

paulokes

Thanks for sharing Becs...honesty with self, tough but rewarding. Like I heard tonight, first AA taught me to stop blaming everybody else, then it taught me to stop blaming myself

Have you ever noticed how we can have a kind of sober blackout while we're lost in a fit of rage? Can't remember exactly what we said, what others said...left with that feeling of regret and anxiety and the need to defend or justify what we were feeling because it felt so real...but there is this awful sense that maybe we behaved like a jackass

Restraint of pen and tongue, this too shall pass

P

Gottalife

I had two occasions were an almost uncontrollable rage came upons me. One almost cost me my job. It took me by surprise because as far as I knew I was not a particularly angry or resentful person. It started in my toes, swept up through my body, almost choked me (I was wearing a tie) , and made my eyes feel like they were going to pop out of my head.

I was saved by step ten, which I applied within a few minutes in each case. Thank goodness for step ten.