danw

hey everyone…i've been on step 9 for probably a few months now and can't seem to get through it. i don't know whats holding me back but could anyone share their journey through the steps and if they hit a wall at any point? any ideas on what could be holding me back?

sugarbear1

are you working with a sponsor? my sponsor was really helpful with this step

Tommyh

hi Dan,it took 9 years to make all my amends,and they included a lot of time consuming financial amends.There was times I thought I would never get done but I just kept doing what AA`s told me to do.Stay sober,go to meetings and work and take life one day at a time.Then came the day they was finished and I looked around at my life and it had improved so much.I was finally out of that terrible hole I had dug myself,life had taken on new meaning and was good.
However,during that time,I came to find out some amends I could not possibly make.Living with a few of those was harder than making the other amends for me.

today I try to break down amends to 3 areas as my sponsor taught me

1-those amends to people around me I see daily or weekly,make those first,it provides a comfort zone around me
2- those I have to travel some distance to go make
3-those I do not know where/who they are and may not be able to make for various reasons

hope this helps Dan

foodie1

Hi Dan, my sponsor told me something similar to Tommy's. She had me break my amends down into 3 categories:
1. Amends I think I can definitely do
2. Amends I think will be difficult to do
3. Amends I don't think I can ever do

She had me start with the people in the first category, I chose my husband first because I trusted that his reaction would be loving. It was still difficult, but it was do-able. I went from there and with each one done, I got stronger and better at it. I eventually made it all the way through the third category.

Sometimes just trying to find the person and arrange a time to meet can take some time. My sponsor encouraged me that this shouldn't stop me from proceeding through the rest of the steps. You just keep that 9th step list and keep checking them off.

Lastly, she reminded me that this is not an empty apology, this is a sincere attempt to right the wrong I've done. I have no control over the other person's reaction to what I say or do to right the wrong, my only job is to clean up my side of the street and move on.

It was during this step that I had my spiritual awakening, the slow and gradual kind. I really think it's this step that sets us free.

All the best to you Dan!

Boleo

Some concepts that I picked up as result of doing a number amends that help me do more;

I don't make amends to individuals - I make amends to the Universe.

I don't pay people back with my money - I pay them back with their money.

I don't succeed or fail - I do my part.

DayTrader

Hey Dan, I assume by "getting through it" you mean getting the willingness to make some of your amends. They typical AA line used when someone is in this predicament is "you probably need to look at the preceding step again."

While I think that advice above is true, I think it goes deeper. I won't accuse you of this but it's certainly been true of me when I've been hung up on one or several amends (this came from a couple Joe H. open talks on XA Speakers): (assuming you made an 8th step list.....taken from your 4th step inventory + any additional names that came to you) I didn't REALLY ask God to remove all my shortcomings in 7 because I didn't trust Him with some of them / didn't want certain ones to go away; because I didn't really become willing to have God remove them all in 6; because I didn't really share everything in 5, because I didn't really get clear of what my defects and my part in every issues I'm having in my life in step 4; because I didn't really decide in 3 to quit playing God; because I didn't come to believe God could and would restore me to sanity....because I decided God was NOT everything in 2, because I don't really believe my life is unmanageable and that I really do have some self defenses against alcohol.
---More to the point: it's because I don't believe I NEED to make this amend to stay sober because I don't think there's any connection to unmade amends to me picking up a drink again.
---Even more to the point....... my first step has gone out the window.

For me, it's ALWAYS a first step reservation that "permits" me to balk at working the program / growing in my spirituality / changing / doing what I need to do vs what I want to do.

It's also true (for me) that it's vital for me to recognize and admit (ie know to my innermost self) that my first step ebbs and flows. Sometimes I'm super solid with it, other times not so much. Knowing that makes it easier for me to revisit it often without the cloud of judgment that I should have this step down perfectly by now hanging over my head.

Assuming all that stuff above is has been taken care of..... I advise my guys to work on the ones they're willing to make now FIRST and then, when that pile is done, we take a look at the ones remaining - like tommyh alluded to. I find that as I clear the "willing" pile up...some of the ones that I'm not willing to do now turn into ones I'm willing to make a little down the road. I find I get additional power to do the tougher ones by knocking out the easier ones.

danw

yes, i am working with a sponsor, and he continues to nag me, but what else could he possibly do? it comes down to me right? ughhhh

danw

this is all such great feedback and advice. thank you all so much!! my list is already made...i need to stop making excuses and just DO IT. my plan is to tackle a few this weekend and take it little by little. not try and do all of them at once

Grungehead

It's like a lot of other things in life, in order to do them all you have to do the first one first. I actually breezed through my first list of family members and close friends because they already knew my situation and were understanding and happy that I was doing something about it. I got stuck for a bit when I got to those on the list that I wasn't sure how they would take it. I found that I was not willing to let go of some of my defects (namely ego, pride, fear), so I had to back up a bit and start praying every day for the willingness to let these go.

Eventually I made that leap of faith and started making amends to people where I wasn't sure how it would go (and not all were received as warmly as with my family/friends), and when the world didn't come to an end I was able to move forward with most of them. I still have some that I may never be able to make, but I have become willing to make them if my HP puts them in my path.

skg

My experience with the steps is that if I struggled with the one I was on I needed to back up--until I found the problem. If I am not practicing love/forgiveness (8)--"becoming willing to" make amends based on the previous 7 steps, then I needed to step back again. If I don't have enough humility (7) and still think that my ego is more important than my spiritual growth, I needed to slide back to see where my willingness (6) went sideways.

In most cases, I've found myself back at Step 1, admitting I was all powerful and completely in control--that my life had suddenly become manageable once again.

It's about God--or lack of that Power Greater than Self--that puts me in that predicament over and over. So I have to surrender/yield, step through the archway, and Let God take the wheel. This is my experience. If I am willing to make amends, they just seem to come and I have nothing to do with the timing--it's as if they're placed in front of me and unavoidable; And effortless so long as God's doing the scheduling.

Suggestion: Ask yourself, "Which part of the program isn't working for me?" Review your path (especially looking at 6 & 7), and relax. When you're ready (in His time) you will be shown the path... There's no reason not to continue on your journey if you're relying on that Faith you started in Step 3... Trust the process...

Good luck. You can do this if YOU stop trying to control it.

tomsteve

Now we need more action, without which we find that "Faith without works is dead." Let's look at Steps Eight and Nine. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.

Hawks

direct amends (face to face) wherever (a place, physical) possible (remain willing for the possibility)


Being willing satisfies the admonition.

The timeframe is so variable because some of us will have amends all in a nearby place, some of us (me included) have amends in faraway places.

I have done all the face to face amends I can, now I have to save up the money to travel to go make the rest.

But.......... Im willing to do that