ErnestSoberway

Hello all. I've been sober for nearly 8 months now. I left a treatment facility at the end of March and immediately became active in AA. I have a sponsor, a home group, average about 6 meetings per week, attend fellowship on a weekly basis, and have made a number of good friends in the program. I am also currently working on my fourth step. Overall, I feel I'm working a pretty strong program and not taking my sobriety for granted. It's something I value deeply.

Lately, though, the itch to start dating again has been really, really strong. I have been trying to heed the recommendation that newcomers to sobriety not date for a year, but I'm just very frustrated with my romantic/sexual situation right now. So, despite my sponsor advising me that it's probably not the best idea, I'm set to go on a date tomorrow with a woman I met through a dating service. From what I can tell she does not seem like the hard-partying type, and pretty much the first thing I plan to let her know when we sit down is that I don't drink. But I know that what I'm doing carries some risk factors.

Overall, I just feel kind of conflicted right now. I know how important my sobriety is. It's given me my health and financial stability back. I have a good, new job. Things are going well for me. But I'm tired of feeling celibate and like I'm missing out on a big and enriching part of life (dating, intimacy, romance, a relationship, etc.).

If anyone has any thoughts, experience, advice regarding this I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks a lot.

Ernest

tomsteve

do what ya want.
the 4th step will find the exact nature of why you feel it so necessary to date.
don't be surprised if ya start slackin off on the program IF one date leads to another.

fraankie

i can understand a date with someone in the nabe
but
to go to a dating service
and
then lay aa on the table
that's cruel
especially with only 8 months in the program

i'm no expert
you are trading one addiction for another

another 4 months
your head will be clearer
and
you can date
without mentioning aa

there are other social outlets
bowling, coffee, etc

best
fraankie

Tommyh

Hi Ernest
I have 2 things
first
We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?

second
if our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.

who am I to try to manage someone else`s life?
I had my share of relationship/sex problems.If you want to go on a date,go on a date.If you don`t,then don`t go.
However,there is a warning here,be sure our motives are right or else we run the risk of getting drunk.Last nights meeting was on sex.The best sex meeting I ever sat in.
There is such a thing as sexual insanity and sanity.What do I have that is good to bring to the relationship?If it is all about sex,I better not go,however if sex is on the back burner,then I can look to bring something good to it.AA is spiritual,have I prayed about it?
Yes,the Spiritual life must go into my sexual life for sexual sanity and good long term relationships.
To try to shut off one area of my life and let it run on self will and try to live spiritual in the rest is going to hurt me and others in the end....

paulokes

I left dating alone for a while, good few years, and a lot of things became clearer to me that I don't think I would have seen at 6 or 8 months. But that's just me.

When I did throw myself back in I have to say it was painful. Brought up a lot of things that pulled my head around. Even then I tried to keep things very casual - the attitude that I was just going to go for coffee with a few folks, not expect anything dramatic or get fixated on anyone, you know what I mean? It was fun, nothing happened but even so it was painful. Made me face some real truths about myself. I started to be haunted the idea that maybe I attracted, or was drawn to sick people. That was interesting

The first girl I mentioned AA to was pretty much a non-drinker. But it seemed she didn't react too well. It kinda killed the date

After the second spell of 6 months dating, I felt more comfortable but decided to knock it on the head. Stop pushing for something and let it happen in its own time, you know?

Couple of months later, someone I knew in the real world asked me out for coffee. We're still together.

I'm glad things happened the way they happened. Wouldn't change a thing.

P

mfanch

I am just going to go by what you wrote in your post....

Nowhere in your post did you mention that you did the process that we do when making big decisions in AA: scrub it against the steps. Did you pray about this and get and answer from HP somehow that said "green light"? I did not read that. In fact, you said you were CONFLICTED. When I am conflicted, I DO NOT act on "itches". I wait until I see/feel a clear answer. Our literature is clear on what we do when we are unsure. (starting at the bottom of pg 86, BB)

You then wrote a classic "I know my sobriety is important, BUT" statement. Those, IMO, are dangerous. When I have to explain or rationalize, I am coming from the place of ego and what MY will is, rather than HP's. You finish off the paragraph by 'I'm missing out on......fill in the blank.' For me, that is my brain already planning whatever it is I want to do (as you actually wrote).

You also wrote that you are working a strong program "overall". But then you say you are willing to take risks with it. From my experience and what I have seen via working with others, we tend to underestimate our alcoholism and tend to underestimate the profundity that our decisions have on our sobriety, hence the term "SUDS" (seemingly unimportant decisions).

I have no opinion on whether a person is "ready" to enter new relationships or not, but just from what you wrote, I would take the advice of a the literature (waiting for answer from HP) and a sponsor. At eight months sober, are you "self-supporting" or do you need to be in a relationship?? Have you completed step 9 (or a portion enough thereof), where you make amends and learn to relate to others?

Sponsors are not a higher power, but by what and how you wrote your post and your sponsor's suggestion to you, I would tend to heed the advice.
I don't even need to address the actual subject matter of it (dating).

I'm glad you are here.

mfanch

Forgot to add:

You wrote that you are working on step 4. When I was on step 4, my mind tried to distract me from the important inventory at hand. I didn't even know what my grosser handicaps even were. And boy did I uncover some doozies!

Bill talks about being a "solid AA" before embarking on new relationships (12+12, 119). For me, that meant having a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps. Regardless of time (sober 4 months or 4 years), being spiritually awake seems pretty paramount. Again, that is a generic answer based on AA literature. I have no opinion.

mfanch

22NGONE

Hello. I did the no relationships thing my first year in sobriety. Since you joined a dating service I think your mind was already made up. For me, I needed to work on me first so I felt I had more to offer someone else.

Joe Nerv

I jumped into a relationship when I was in rehab. I met the girl on a weekend break, she was a friend of my brothers. It was against suggestion, and I paid a price, but I have no regrets. I was determined to not pick up a drink no matter what I was presented with, and I didn't. I learned a lot of tough lessons though, and experienced a lot of pain. In hindsight I know I wasn't healthy enough to have a relationship, but I feel the experiences helped me grow towards having healthier relationships. I worked a diligent program, stayed committed to AA, and feel the right people were put in my path to help me to learn how to better love myself, and another person.

There are lots of risks involved with dating in early sobriety. As long as someone is aware of those risks, and keeps sobriety as a clear #1 priority, I say do whatcha gotta do. I got sober to live, and I've often done that on the edge. . I just make sure to take my HP with me.

keithj

Doing a solid 4th Step, including the sex inventory part, dramatically changed the way I interact in relationships. It was enlightening to see that I was pretty much having the same relationship that I'd been having since I was 17 or so; only the people changed. Before taking that Step, I was pretty much doomed to continue the same selfish behaviors I had always carried out in relationships. Just saying.

paul99

You have been given many things back as a direct result from working the program. Working the program involves working the steps, connecting with your HP and there is also an element of learning to take direction and suggestions - from the Big Book and from those who have trodden the path before you. Your sponsor has misgivings about your plan, and you feel conflicted. Perhaps these are signs that it's maybe not in your path right now to date. Listen, you are free to do as you wish. Date, don't date. The fact remains is that you say you feel frustrated with your sex / romantic life. Why is that? When there is a disturbance of any kind (and I mean any kind), we look inward. We pray, ask for counsel, and write inventory about it until we get some clarity. That is what I do to this day.

We all have sexual / romantic issues when we walk into the doors of AA. To the point where the BB asks us to do a sex inventory. How have I treated women in the past? What is my sexual ideal? What amends have I had to make to clear my side of the street and to amend the way I act / think / behave when it comes to the opposite sex (or the sex one is attracted to)? Where is my HP in all of this?

These are things one may want to be clear on before jumping back into the dating pool. This of course is an opinion.

Good luck

Paul

Threshold

Few thoughts...

If you are using computer dating svcs...I believe you can list yourself as a non drinker and request to meet others who do not drink.

I dated before and after my 4th step. The before experiences were all kinds of crazy (my motivations, choices and behavior) my post 4th step were more clear headed, honest, and appropriate. because I could no longer BS myself and was no longer comfortable with BSing others.

In ANY dating situation make sure you and the person you are seeing are looking for the same thing. Some people are only looking for a quick hook up, or a very casual relationship, others are only interested in a potential long term or life mate. Different expectations lead to all sorts of drama, chaos, and upset.

My sponsor told me (he is in his 60's) that in his experience, whenever two people lay down together, at least one gets up with feelings.

muvinon

Have fun!

I really have no opinion on this, other than when I was new, the idea of dating scared me to pieces. I could hardly handle my own life, nevermind get involved with someone else's.

But that was me.

Hevyn

Whatever you decide, I'm glad you joined us Ernest. This is a great place for support & friendship. Congratulations on your 8 sober months.