First meeting today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 12
First meeting today
So I have been an alcoholic for the past few years and have tried to quit plenty of times. I have tried medications, cold turkey, moderation, smart recovery, a women's program.... Nothing has worked. I am stuck in that vicious cycle that we are all so familiar with. Trigger (anxiety, boredom, loneliness, stress) - pleasure (alcohol) - guilt - which triggers the anxiety, loneliness, stress... For the past year I have been waking up in the middle of the night (detoxing) and I picture killing myself. I never would do this but just having a picture in my head tells me that there is a lot wrong.
Anyway, I read somewhere that when you cant quit, you need to stop trying the same things. Duh. Why didn't I think of that? The one thing I have not tried is AA. Mostly due to the religious factor. Growing up in a very broken home with parents who claimed they were Catholic... well it left me with some issues concerning religions. I had my first meeting today and it was great!
I feel good. Yay for another Day 1.
Off topic... I feel like I am depressed and I am trying to figure out if the depression is from drinking or if the depression came first. Its hard to remember when you've been drunk for so long.
Anyway, I read somewhere that when you cant quit, you need to stop trying the same things. Duh. Why didn't I think of that? The one thing I have not tried is AA. Mostly due to the religious factor. Growing up in a very broken home with parents who claimed they were Catholic... well it left me with some issues concerning religions. I had my first meeting today and it was great!
I feel good. Yay for another Day 1.
Off topic... I feel like I am depressed and I am trying to figure out if the depression is from drinking or if the depression came first. Its hard to remember when you've been drunk for so long.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: FL
Posts: 698
Hi Bacon! Great name, I've always loved bacon! I'm glad you are giving AA a try and had a good 1st meeting experience. The people there are all drunks, (shhhh!!! Don't tell anybody!!) so occasionally you might have a lukewarm experience, especially newly sober. I hope you keep going to meetings. Try out some different ones.
I too have struggled with depression on and off, sober and drunk. A visit to your healthcare provider to talk about your alcoholism and recovery is a good idea.
I too tried lots of things to get sober: hypnosis, some self study system I bought on the internet, psychologist, etc. None of it worked. I'm 10 months sober using AA, with a sponsor, etc. You know, really doing the program, not just going to meetings. If you haven't yet, get yourself a blue Alcoholics Anonymous book at the meeting, it should be $8. Start reading it.
Welcome to SR. And good luck on your journey!!!
I too have struggled with depression on and off, sober and drunk. A visit to your healthcare provider to talk about your alcoholism and recovery is a good idea.
I too tried lots of things to get sober: hypnosis, some self study system I bought on the internet, psychologist, etc. None of it worked. I'm 10 months sober using AA, with a sponsor, etc. You know, really doing the program, not just going to meetings. If you haven't yet, get yourself a blue Alcoholics Anonymous book at the meeting, it should be $8. Start reading it.
Welcome to SR. And good luck on your journey!!!
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
Glad you're here and jumping into that first meeting. There is a lot to take in at first, but it's really quite simple, in the end (note - we alcoholics like to complicate things. So simpler is better, especially out of the gate!)
I can identify with much of what you said. Certainly that spin-dry cycle we go through, with the spree followed by the trio of guilt, shame and remorse, which help to plummet us back into the vortex of self-loathing and low self-worth, which feeds into the picking up, etc. Lather, rinse and repeat.
Depression is certainly a symptom of alcoholism, but it can be it's own stand alone thing. That is something that you need to speak to a doctor, if you feel that medication is needed. But many of us (I speak for myself, at least) that once starting to get sober and working the program, depression slips away. I also understand that feeling of wanting to do myself away. My strongest suicidal thoughts came while I didn't have alcohol in my system. It was the idea that I couldn't live with drinking, I couldn't live without. But it certainly changed dramatically when I moved on the steps.
And yeah, some folks are put off by the God stuff. AA isn't religious, but spiritual. Many, many, many of us come in with preconceived notions of the God thing when coming into AA. I know atheists, agnostics, witches, Buddhists, Muslims, etc. who have all successfully been able to work the program. You don't have to be any of those either. But you will find that these things also dissolve away the more you learn about the program.
It's a wonderful journey...stick around, it gets better
I can identify with much of what you said. Certainly that spin-dry cycle we go through, with the spree followed by the trio of guilt, shame and remorse, which help to plummet us back into the vortex of self-loathing and low self-worth, which feeds into the picking up, etc. Lather, rinse and repeat.
Depression is certainly a symptom of alcoholism, but it can be it's own stand alone thing. That is something that you need to speak to a doctor, if you feel that medication is needed. But many of us (I speak for myself, at least) that once starting to get sober and working the program, depression slips away. I also understand that feeling of wanting to do myself away. My strongest suicidal thoughts came while I didn't have alcohol in my system. It was the idea that I couldn't live with drinking, I couldn't live without. But it certainly changed dramatically when I moved on the steps.
And yeah, some folks are put off by the God stuff. AA isn't religious, but spiritual. Many, many, many of us come in with preconceived notions of the God thing when coming into AA. I know atheists, agnostics, witches, Buddhists, Muslims, etc. who have all successfully been able to work the program. You don't have to be any of those either. But you will find that these things also dissolve away the more you learn about the program.
It's a wonderful journey...stick around, it gets better
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: WA
Posts: 891
Hi Bacon,
I spent time in a Catholic orphanage in the 70's at a time when abuse was rife. I never got sexually abused by a Priest or anything but did we get flogged by the Nuns and got fire and brimstone beaten into us. By all accounts I was doomed to hell at 7 years of age!
I walked away from organized religion a long time ago and turned my back to God. It's since hitting rock bottom that I've turned back to God as I understand it. My concept of God had shifted in the last year as I've come to realize some spiritual progress. I understand that religion is not required to live a spiritual life while it does it no harm if we do ourselves and others no harm in its practice. I believe that religion is a human construct while our spirituality is beyond time and this reality. At the same I take what I need from several faiths and leave the rest. I respect others beliefs.
The spiritual dimension is what was missing in my life. Reconnecting to this universal spirit, this higher power has filled a great void. I will always be grateful to the 12 steps for showing me the door that led there.
I spent time in a Catholic orphanage in the 70's at a time when abuse was rife. I never got sexually abused by a Priest or anything but did we get flogged by the Nuns and got fire and brimstone beaten into us. By all accounts I was doomed to hell at 7 years of age!
I walked away from organized religion a long time ago and turned my back to God. It's since hitting rock bottom that I've turned back to God as I understand it. My concept of God had shifted in the last year as I've come to realize some spiritual progress. I understand that religion is not required to live a spiritual life while it does it no harm if we do ourselves and others no harm in its practice. I believe that religion is a human construct while our spirituality is beyond time and this reality. At the same I take what I need from several faiths and leave the rest. I respect others beliefs.
The spiritual dimension is what was missing in my life. Reconnecting to this universal spirit, this higher power has filled a great void. I will always be grateful to the 12 steps for showing me the door that led there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Hi Bacon,
Glad you are giving AA a fair go. I am well into my third year sober with both the support of SR and AA. Your attempts at getting sober are much my story.
I separate religion and spirituality. One is man made and the other is experiencing God directly, not being filtered through some hierarchy.
I have noticed that my moods have definitely stabilized, I don't experience the highs and lows as before.
The promises in AA have/ are coming true. I am one grateful member.
All the best in recovery and keep reading and posting.
CaiHong
Glad you are giving AA a fair go. I am well into my third year sober with both the support of SR and AA. Your attempts at getting sober are much my story.
I separate religion and spirituality. One is man made and the other is experiencing God directly, not being filtered through some hierarchy.
I have noticed that my moods have definitely stabilized, I don't experience the highs and lows as before.
The promises in AA have/ are coming true. I am one grateful member.
All the best in recovery and keep reading and posting.
CaiHong
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Chicago Burbs- Illinois
Posts: 202
Hey Bacon welcome- glad you had a good experience at your first meeting and just know it was the toughest one you'll ever go to. I can definitely relate to waking up in the middle of the night thinking about suicide- I was never seriously going to do it but the thought of it every day, the idea of it, obviously not a good thing.
I used to turn my heater off about 2 hours before bed (keep in mind this is Chicago in winter) and I would wake up drenched with sweat and all my blankets off the bed at like 4 or 5 am- its tough to describe the anxiety and fear in those moments.
I used to turn my heater off about 2 hours before bed (keep in mind this is Chicago in winter) and I would wake up drenched with sweat and all my blankets off the bed at like 4 or 5 am- its tough to describe the anxiety and fear in those moments.
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