Omg
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I'm sorry you were hurt, Veritas.... Maybe your mother is just hurting, too?
If this really is a "pattern of abuse", it might be time to stop setting yourself up for disappointment..... maybe let the relationship go for a while. Working on your self-esteem and and taking responsibility for your own happiness is the best way to get your power back.
If this really is a "pattern of abuse", it might be time to stop setting yourself up for disappointment..... maybe let the relationship go for a while. Working on your self-esteem and and taking responsibility for your own happiness is the best way to get your power back.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Houston Texas
Posts: 1,003
With family members, I found running stuff past my sponsor was absolutely invaluable. I have, even now, often an opposite attitude of what she suggests. I do what she suggests rather than what I cook up.
It's working. Why? Because my attitude is truly one that I adopted clear back when I was 16 years old and results in a predictable move on my part, which is to pretty much exit, stage left. Her suggestions make me gag sometimes, but they work; and they lead to resolution and softening of the hearts.
She has the attitude that family is family, and we should get along. What a concept. lol I have the attitude that if they don't act right, I'll run away.......yet again.
Good luck here. I hope that this was not a final chapter, really, with your mom. I don't know your personal history, etc., so cannot really comment on the particulars. I just wanted to share my experience on dealing with families.
My sponsor, as I said, turns me around and points me in a very different direction than my usual course of action. I still sometimes think.......man, no wonder I ran off when I was a kid. These people are NUTSO. However, they are the family I have.
And it makes me appreciate my AA family all the more.
It's working. Why? Because my attitude is truly one that I adopted clear back when I was 16 years old and results in a predictable move on my part, which is to pretty much exit, stage left. Her suggestions make me gag sometimes, but they work; and they lead to resolution and softening of the hearts.
She has the attitude that family is family, and we should get along. What a concept. lol I have the attitude that if they don't act right, I'll run away.......yet again.
Good luck here. I hope that this was not a final chapter, really, with your mom. I don't know your personal history, etc., so cannot really comment on the particulars. I just wanted to share my experience on dealing with families.
My sponsor, as I said, turns me around and points me in a very different direction than my usual course of action. I still sometimes think.......man, no wonder I ran off when I was a kid. These people are NUTSO. However, they are the family I have.
And it makes me appreciate my AA family all the more.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Veritas)))))
Many of us come from dysfunctional families and we do not realize it. It comes to the surface sometimes early in recovery, and it HURTS, HURTS real bad when family literally does not validate what we are feeling and going through and what we are learning.
It is times like these when it can be to our advantage (even though we don't think so) to just step away from family. To go No Contact with family.
Please remember this is YOUR RECOVERY not your mother's. She is not going to understand what is happening to you. Your acquaintances and friends in recovery do.
I am sorry you are hurting, but some of this hurt comes from your expectations of your mom. And 'expectations' can really hurt and do cause resentments.
It is good that you felt comfortable enough to share this here!!!!!
We are walking with you in spirit!
Love and hugs,
Many of us come from dysfunctional families and we do not realize it. It comes to the surface sometimes early in recovery, and it HURTS, HURTS real bad when family literally does not validate what we are feeling and going through and what we are learning.
It is times like these when it can be to our advantage (even though we don't think so) to just step away from family. To go No Contact with family.
Please remember this is YOUR RECOVERY not your mother's. She is not going to understand what is happening to you. Your acquaintances and friends in recovery do.
I am sorry you are hurting, but some of this hurt comes from your expectations of your mom. And 'expectations' can really hurt and do cause resentments.
It is good that you felt comfortable enough to share this here!!!!!
We are walking with you in spirit!
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
Carlotta.
Perfect post!!!
Alcoholism/addiction has been called "the family disease." It is very, very contagious, and tricky - it takes on different forms and different shapes in order to protect itself (food, work, relationships, gambing, anger, resentment, etc.) And codependency is probably the MOST difficult form of addiction from which to recover. Yes, that's right,I said ADDICTION. It is an addiction to adrenaline, crisis, emergency, feeling threatened, being scared, and on and on. Nurses, police, ambulance drivers for example, are nearly aways codependant rescuers. Adrenaline is the most powerful drug I know of, and NOBODY wants to give it up. Codeps and family members regularly sabotage an alcoholic's recovery because if the alcohoic gets well, the codie has no more purpose. Rescuing is not needed. And the catch is that every time the rescuing fails, the codep gets angrier and angrier. Codependant powerlessness. In the addict-codependent relationship, the addict plays the bad child and mom plays the martyr mom ("what did I ever do to deserve this?"): full of anger, frustration and hopelessness. And the alcoholic can no more FIX the codie than he/she can BE fixed. We all need outside help for recovery, but it's an inside job.
I didn't get sober until I was ready, and no amount of carping, pushing, shoving or threatening made me ready...mainly,it just made me more angry and resentful. I do think that Lois Wilson discovered the answer, founding Al Anon. Everyone needs to work their own recovery program.
I have three absolutes in my life: Don't blame, Don't conmplain, and mind my own business. It works for me. BTW, most alcoholic families are so toxic that recovery is often impossible without distancing oneself.
The only help I had to offer my family was "get thee to recovery"(alanon)..I'll call you in six months.
Without that, there can be little honesty or love.
OK...I'll spare you my diatribe on real(unconditional) love. LOL
Perfect post!!!
Alcoholism/addiction has been called "the family disease." It is very, very contagious, and tricky - it takes on different forms and different shapes in order to protect itself (food, work, relationships, gambing, anger, resentment, etc.) And codependency is probably the MOST difficult form of addiction from which to recover. Yes, that's right,I said ADDICTION. It is an addiction to adrenaline, crisis, emergency, feeling threatened, being scared, and on and on. Nurses, police, ambulance drivers for example, are nearly aways codependant rescuers. Adrenaline is the most powerful drug I know of, and NOBODY wants to give it up. Codeps and family members regularly sabotage an alcoholic's recovery because if the alcohoic gets well, the codie has no more purpose. Rescuing is not needed. And the catch is that every time the rescuing fails, the codep gets angrier and angrier. Codependant powerlessness. In the addict-codependent relationship, the addict plays the bad child and mom plays the martyr mom ("what did I ever do to deserve this?"): full of anger, frustration and hopelessness. And the alcoholic can no more FIX the codie than he/she can BE fixed. We all need outside help for recovery, but it's an inside job.
I didn't get sober until I was ready, and no amount of carping, pushing, shoving or threatening made me ready...mainly,it just made me more angry and resentful. I do think that Lois Wilson discovered the answer, founding Al Anon. Everyone needs to work their own recovery program.
I have three absolutes in my life: Don't blame, Don't conmplain, and mind my own business. It works for me. BTW, most alcoholic families are so toxic that recovery is often impossible without distancing oneself.
The only help I had to offer my family was "get thee to recovery"(alanon)..I'll call you in six months.
Without that, there can be little honesty or love.
OK...I'll spare you my diatribe on real(unconditional) love. LOL
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