SDSurfn

I'm coming up on 8 months.

But I'm not feeling good.

I feel like all the color of life has been drained away.

I'm tired of sobriety.

I'm tired of pretending I'm happy.

I'm tired of pretending I don't miss drinking.

I'm tired of pretending I don't miss my old bar life.

I'm tired of pretending I like going to meetings.

I'm tired of pretending I like working the steps.

I'm tired of pretending I have a spiritual connection with God.

I was afraid this would happen. If there was a pink cloud, it's long gone.

I'd rather drink than feel like this all the time. And I just might. Sorry, but that's me being rigorously honest.

I am one of the unfortunates. I can't help it. I seem to have been born that way.

ebshot

I can relate to a lot of your post. I am coming up on 9 months and feel very similar. I do not have any words of wisdom for you but just wanted to let you know I understand. Hang in there.

divinespark

Hey! Can you give yourself some kind of reward? Like a safe and sober thrill ride with a trusted friend? Its spring time. Perhaps make plans to go to a "family friendly" amusement park, mountain bike riding, a nature hike, bungie jumping, zip lining, etc? To get some excitement without drinking? Do you have any friends from AA who are engaged in some FUN activities? Maybe you could join them. And/or they could join you and the both of you could keep yourselves "honest". In my area we have "events and adventures" for singles. It just sounds to me like you're bored without all the drama that the drinking created. What about your goals? Have you achieved them? Can you find a HEALTHY but fun and exhilarating way to celebrate them?

tomsteve

"I am one of the unfortunates. I can't help it. I seem to have been born that way. "

that there is a flat out lie. what the big book is talking about there is people who have an IQ so low they dont even understand what honesty is. they were born that way.

now how bout gettin honest and tellin us what you have done to change.gotta sponsor? working the steps?
prolly a good time to bring this up with yer sponsor,too.

susie39

I can remember feeling like you 22 years ago when I got sober.
Do your best a day at a time, talk to your sponsor and the 'winners' in AA.
Above all 'dont leave before the miracle happens'
Susie

Boleo

Abstinence is not-drinking and feeling bad about it.

Recovery is not-drinking and feeling good about it.

"We have been speaking to you of serious, sometimes tragic things. We have been dealing with alcohol in its worst aspect. But we aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world's troubles on our shoulders. When we see a man sinking into the mire that is alcoholism, we give him first aid and place what we have at his disposal. For his sake, we do recount and almost relive the horrors of our past. But those of us who have tried to shoulder the entire burden and trouble of others find we are soon overcome by them.
So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn't we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others."
(page 132)

aasharon90

Growing pains in recovery definitely hurts
especially if we don't like change. And I
am one of those unfortunates. BUT.....

I use one of many sayings in recovery
to my benifites to help me move along
slowly but surely.

"Fake it till you make it"

And I went thru the motions day in and
day out, doing the next best thing or right
thing in life each day I remained sober.

Sure, I cried, pouted, stomped my feet,
raised hell, acted like a spoiled little child,
had the "poor me's" and so one. It was all
I could do to accept life on lifes terms.
Accepting things just the way they are
meant to be.

I'm 22 yrs. sober with many many one
days at a time added together to get me
where I am today. I'm finally somewhat
comfortable in my skin and have accepted
that I am who I am and I'm ok with that.

Happy, Honest, Joy and Free in many areas
of my life.

It will be for you too and one day you will
reflect back on these growing pains and
understand that that we all have to go thru
them to get to where we want to be in life.

awuh1

You sound pretty honest to me... at least your post is.

When I hear people use words like “I feel like all the color of life has been drained away” it makes me wonder if the individual might be suffering from a depression. Bill W. suffered from depression for decades after he got sober. Back then, there was not as much the professional community could do for depression. There’s lots of help for the condition now. It might be worth getting it checked out.

In any event I hope the color comes back soon.

fraankie

you know, that's a prelude to relapse
and
i'm sure it happens a lot
as newcomers want to feel cured

when we are drinking
alcohol masks many feelings
so
getting sober, we experience a whole range of new emotions

all i can add
is
you are welcome to take your misery back
but
please, try to hang on
and
give the program a chance

i've relapsed enough to know
there's nothing for me in a drink


fraankie

chrisb245

I know how you feel. When I first got sober I was dry for a year. Then I went back in and out many times. I would go to meetings, but that was it. Today I have a sponsor that I work the steps with, and I put forth the effort to get to know people outside of the rooms. I can honestly say that doing this has helped me to much more comfortable in my own skin.

SDSurfn

I'd rather be miserable and drunk than miserable and sober.

awuh1

I don't think you need to be either one.

2granddaughters

No, you wouldn't ......

We go through our times in recovery, times where we are stretched and tempted to the limit. Just stay the course.

Ask your sponsor and the oldtimers in your group how they got through their "grey times". They have all been there.

I've posted this before but it has helped me many times over the years ... 4 Seasons of Recovery - YouTube

All the best SD. You'll be fine, just keep committing to the program.

Remember that GROWTH has "OW" right in the middle of it !!


Bob R

SDSurfn

I would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them...for I am not happy about my sobriety.

Dee74

Hey Kev

I'm sorry you're struggling.

The first thing I'd do is go back and read every one of your posts - remind yourself exactly what miserable and drunk was like for you.

You may not agree with this today - you may even argue with me - but you're clear light years away from where you used to be.

There are some good suggestions here - maybe you are depressed?

maybe you had expectation of how sobriety would be that aren't being met?

Maybe the grind of responsibility is getting you down?

are you looking ahead and seeing a mountain before you?

Maybe you need to do more work on building a life to replace the bar hopping one you had?

There are healthy sober ways through every one of these problems - we've all been there

If you can't think of anything else to do right now K - go help someone else - get out of your own head for a while....

and stay with us -
your head is lying to you.

D

Mark75

Hey, I get it, I felt that way at about the same time. I did some step work and kept on keeping on and it got much better. I am content and more or less happy, and when I am not happy, it has nothing to do with not drinking. And I have learned new ways to get through it.

2granddaughters

Are you sponsoring anyone right now?

Bob

SDSurfn

I have a sponsor. We've been talking over my 8th step. I call him every morning.

But me, sponsor another guy? HA! I'm nowhere near ready for that.

I'll be lucky if my head hits the pillow sober tonight.

2granddaughters

The biggest thing , over the years, that got me through my "funks" was helping the newcomer.

I get more than I give. It gets me out of me.

All the best.

Bob R

tomsteve

welp, ya can get drunk and still have the same problems or ya can not drink and trudge. the choice is yours. gettin drunk aint gonna solve anything.
selfish,selfcenteredness...that we think is the root of all our problems.
i think ya need to back up about 7 steps.