Sponsorship and morals
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Omaha, NE
Posts: 87
Sponsorship and morals
Hello all! I am new to sponsoring - I have 2 1/2 years of sobriety.....I have a question on sponsorship. I sponsor a girl who is seeing a married man that has children. This man pays her bills etc....as she has no job due to her using dope on the job. She is a licensed nurse and is unable to get employment at this time, so she is dependent on this man. She also just got pregnant by this married man and lost the baby
My question is, I am totally against the fact she is seeing a married man and that is all she talks about. I feel for her and for the loss of a baby, but her and the married man are trying for another baby! Long story short, with this married man situation, where is my place to guide her? She knows that I don't agree with it but talks about it all the time.
I understand that working the steps with her is my job, but I have also taken her on as a friend too. She has no family and needs good people in her life. Thank you for listening!
My question is, I am totally against the fact she is seeing a married man and that is all she talks about. I feel for her and for the loss of a baby, but her and the married man are trying for another baby! Long story short, with this married man situation, where is my place to guide her? She knows that I don't agree with it but talks about it all the time.
I understand that working the steps with her is my job, but I have also taken her on as a friend too. She has no family and needs good people in her life. Thank you for listening!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 158
Originally Posted by nfijules 
Hello all! I am new to sponsoring - I have 2 1/2 years of sobriety.....I have a question on sponsorship..., where is my place to guide her? She knows that I don't agree with it but talks about it all the time.
I understand that working the steps with her is my job, but I have also taken her on as a friend too. She has no family and needs good people in her life. !
I understand that working the steps with her is my job, but I have also taken her on as a friend too. She has no family and needs good people in her life. !
How did that go?
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
I would work with her,and when you get to step 4,here is what I would do.
If she balks,I would let her stew in it until or if she changes her mind.She is sure to get drunk someday if she don`t change her attitude.What she is doing is insane.You can`t stay insane and sober for long,one day,the dam will break.
First,I am not the arbiter of anyone`s sex conduct.However,I do not approve of what you are talking about her doing.It is sexual insanity.
During my sex inventory,my sponsor had me ask these 9 questions for each name on my sex list and write out the answers
We reviewed our own conduct over the years past ( and wrote it all down on paper)
Where had we been selfish?
dishonest?
inconsiderate?
Whom had we hurt?(list your self here also)
Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy?
suspicion ?
bitterness?
Where were we at fault?
what should we have done instead?
We got this all down on paper and looked at it.
my answers to the above questions showed my sexual insanity
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test-
was it selfish or not?
We asked God to mold our ideals
and help us to live up to them.
the latest few questions and answers showed me a God given pathway to sexual sanity and a God given sex ideal
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it.
We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing.
notice the book says "must"
Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk. Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.
To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing.
this process works,it really does.
It mainly depends on if the person really wants help and a better life.
quotes are from the 1st edition of the big book -alcoholics anonymous
If she balks,I would let her stew in it until or if she changes her mind.She is sure to get drunk someday if she don`t change her attitude.What she is doing is insane.You can`t stay insane and sober for long,one day,the dam will break.
First,I am not the arbiter of anyone`s sex conduct.However,I do not approve of what you are talking about her doing.It is sexual insanity.
During my sex inventory,my sponsor had me ask these 9 questions for each name on my sex list and write out the answers
We reviewed our own conduct over the years past ( and wrote it all down on paper)
Where had we been selfish?
dishonest?
inconsiderate?
Whom had we hurt?(list your self here also)
Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy?
suspicion ?
bitterness?
Where were we at fault?
what should we have done instead?
We got this all down on paper and looked at it.
my answers to the above questions showed my sexual insanity
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test-
was it selfish or not?
We asked God to mold our ideals
and help us to live up to them.
the latest few questions and answers showed me a God given pathway to sexual sanity and a God given sex ideal
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it.
We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing.
notice the book says "must"
Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk. Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.
To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing.
this process works,it really does.
It mainly depends on if the person really wants help and a better life.
quotes are from the 1st edition of the big book -alcoholics anonymous
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
One more thing,it sounds like she likes to talk about her sick crap,I wouldn`t talk to her about the problem,instead I would focus on the solution.Chances are she won`t make it past step 3 before she takes off,but you never can tell.I would focus on the big book steps and try to get her to step 4
she`s insane now and cannot see the truth thru her delusional,dishonest mind.She is very sick and if you can get her deep into the steps,she has a chance.She has no chance focusing on the problem.Present the solution to her in the right time.It may just save her life.
she`s insane now and cannot see the truth thru her delusional,dishonest mind.She is very sick and if you can get her deep into the steps,she has a chance.She has no chance focusing on the problem.Present the solution to her in the right time.It may just save her life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
Regarding morals:
We have no desire to be the arbiter of anyones sex conduct. It's between them and God. That's pretty clear.
Sponsees have a duty...to work towards rigorous honesty - with themselves, God and another human being.
Regarding sex conduct - we subjected each relation to this test - was it selfish or not?
Perhaps this issue is not about the sexual relationship but the behaviour that comes with it...what this girl is getting or trying to get from another person, using her 'sex powers' or 'instincts'? I find it best never to judge or let my morals interfere but slowly draw attention to the things that really have to be addressed. But sex/love itself is a powerful thing. Hands off the thing itself, people don't react very well and it stops us being useful.
Just some thinks to think about
P
We have no desire to be the arbiter of anyones sex conduct. It's between them and God. That's pretty clear.
Sponsees have a duty...to work towards rigorous honesty - with themselves, God and another human being.
Regarding sex conduct - we subjected each relation to this test - was it selfish or not?
Perhaps this issue is not about the sexual relationship but the behaviour that comes with it...what this girl is getting or trying to get from another person, using her 'sex powers' or 'instincts'? I find it best never to judge or let my morals interfere but slowly draw attention to the things that really have to be addressed. But sex/love itself is a powerful thing. Hands off the thing itself, people don't react very well and it stops us being useful.
Just some thinks to think about
P
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
That's a tough situation, especially if you're sponsoring for the first time. It could be a great learning experience, though, if you're up to it. 
There's really not much we can do to get people to change, but you have a lot of experience in sobriety you can give her and that may lead to change in the future.
It's kind of like that old saying about loving the sinner, not the sin...... we can support the person in spite of what they do or don't do. Hard sometimes, though....!
There's really not much we can do to get people to change, but you have a lot of experience in sobriety you can give her and that may lead to change in the future.It's kind of like that old saying about loving the sinner, not the sin...... we can support the person in spite of what they do or don't do. Hard sometimes, though....!
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
Originally Posted by nfijules
Hello all! I am new to sponsoring - I have 2 1/2 years of sobriety.....I have a question on sponsorship. I sponsor a girl who is seeing a married man that has children. This man pays her bills etc....as she has no job due to her using dope on the job. She is a licensed nurse and is unable to get employment at this time, so she is dependent on this man. She also just got pregnant by this married man and lost the baby
My question is, I am totally against the fact she is seeing a married man and that is all she talks about. I feel for her and for the loss of a baby, but her and the married man are trying for another baby! Long story short, with this married man situation, where is my place to guide her? She knows that I don't agree with it but talks about it all the time.
I understand that working the steps with her is my job, but I have also taken her on as a friend too. She has no family and needs good people in her life. Thank you for listening!
My question is, I am totally against the fact she is seeing a married man and that is all she talks about. I feel for her and for the loss of a baby, but her and the married man are trying for another baby! Long story short, with this married man situation, where is my place to guide her? She knows that I don't agree with it but talks about it all the time.
I understand that working the steps with her is my job, but I have also taken her on as a friend too. She has no family and needs good people in her life. Thank you for listening!
I have had to tell my guys that I don't do drama - that I am not a therapist, but certainly I will listen to things as pertain to their sobriety. Again, I learned this after listening over and over the same things that had nothing to do with recovery.
It's all a learning curve for us!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
When i was spiritually asleep, .. Id pull stunts like that without even a thought.
In fact its part of why i am asleep.
Being in a recovered/awake position i would find highly objectionable, ...Funny how i can become a saint overnight and forget my behavior whilst sick.
I work from one book, using my experience with the work outlined in that book and tend to leave the rest to god .
In fact its part of why i am asleep.
Being in a recovered/awake position i would find highly objectionable, ...Funny how i can become a saint overnight and forget my behavior whilst sick.
I work from one book, using my experience with the work outlined in that book and tend to leave the rest to god .
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: brooklyn, new york
Posts: 1,639
that's a tough one
but
you can advocate working the steps
and
the spirituality of the program
you might lose her
if you advise her on her predicament
but
the program is a way of life
the way she's going
spiritually, mentally, physically
it's going to be hard for her to get it
but
our business is alcohol
frankie
but
you can advocate working the steps
and
the spirituality of the program
you might lose her
if you advise her on her predicament
but
the program is a way of life
the way she's going
spiritually, mentally, physically
it's going to be hard for her to get it
but
our business is alcohol
frankie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Mgm, AL
Posts: 1,000
It's an honest program, first and foremost. I agree with the poster regarding friendship or sponsorship: Pick one or the other. With regard to your own moral compass, if you cannot separate the alcohol from the other stuff, then don't do it. But be honest in why you cannot. Don't take on something that's going to jeopardize your OWN sobriety if your spiritual foundation isn't firm, either, because it starts to look like codependent behavior.
Something to think about: "Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job--wife or no wife--we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God." (pg 98, Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Ed) It may do you well to read the entire page, too.
My opinion is of little consequence because it would be a personal moral choice. I will say that I would never put myself in a position to knowingly hurt innocent people. That's not opinion, that's fact. New leaf-isms and all that...
Something to think about: "Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job--wife or no wife--we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God." (pg 98, Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Ed) It may do you well to read the entire page, too.
My opinion is of little consequence because it would be a personal moral choice. I will say that I would never put myself in a position to knowingly hurt innocent people. That's not opinion, that's fact. New leaf-isms and all that...
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