clearingcobwebs

I'm not sure what to do here. Been in AA for just over 4 years & celebrated my 4th year being sober this Summer. I have had 2 sponsors in my 4 years in AA. Both had over a decade of sobriety under their belts. The first was an amazing person & helped me through a lot of the tough spots while I was struggling the first 2 years but he moved across the country earlier this year. My current sponsor approached me about 6 months ago & he's been my sponsor since. In the past couple of months he's mentioned some things I am not comfortable with & makes me question why he is a sponsor. Just not sure whether I need to talk to him or anyone else first before moving on to a new sponsor who I can trust & respect more.

I believe my current sponsor isn't really sober in what I think the true sense of sobriety is. Some personal things he shared sound to me like he just switched addictions. From alcohol to sex. He talks & thinks about sex the same way I used to talk & think about alcohol. I'm not comfortable with the things he's sharing & not sure what to say or even who to say it to. I'm not a very direct person, it is something I'm working on. Do I need to say anything at all or could I just switch sponsors?

2granddaughters

Ask some of the oldtimers in your group, they'll enlighten you.

Nobody in AA is perfect, not Bill W or Dr Bob, but the good oldtimers try very hard to stay on the beam.

Welcome, what part of our great country are you in?? I'm near Windsor.

All the best.

Bob R

aasharon90

I am in control of my own recovery and
sobriety. I find it useful to use, so to speak,
others to get what I need to further myself
in learning and living a better way of life.

I take what I need and continue on my
recovery path.

Sponsors are teachers just as we had in
grade school, high school, college, learning
from each, absorbing the information on
what we needed to pass. That knowledge,
if taught properly, will be used to my own
benifit to carry with me and used for a lifetime.

After I got what I needed, I in turn pass on
that knowledge to others struggling with
addiction like I did in the beginning.

In doing so, I become a useful servant
in recovery and that is a HUGE reward
I feel blessed with.

clearingcobwebs

Thank you & hello. This is a great cyber community. I've been reading some older threads.

I don't expect anyone to be perfect. I did expect that a sponsor with more than a decade of being sober would refrain from sharing tales that cross the lines into sex addiction. I am trying to stay away from people who engage in addictive behaviour.

I'm scared to speak due to the seemingly close relationships with my current sponsor & the only 2 oldtimers in our group. Afraid to be ostracized if I say anything about my sponsor discomfort. We are not a large group. There are maybe 16 people max & usually we have an average of 10 people who attend meetings regularly. Are there any old timers here that can maybe advise?

I am in the heart of the beautiful Rockies in BC in a small town.

muvinon

I would change sponsors and just gently answer his question when he asks why. Addiction is addiction. And if he's active in that, he really doesn't have anything to pass on right now.

It's not about not being a saint.

I hear you on not wanting to say anything. But if I'm asked, then I'm asked. In the meantime, time for you to take care of your recovery.

And he may not ask. He may sense. I would have sensed that while I was drinking. I suspect he senses it when he's talking about his addiction now. Probably knows you're wincing.

TSDD

I had a real issue with my sponsor not really being the guy he pretended to be in meetings. Felt bad at the time, a sense of betrayal (??? just how I felt) and dissilusion with AA as a whole.

I ran it by an old timer who I really trust. He has been sober 47 years now and never had a sponsor. He said that if he gave me straight advice about my booze problem I could take that and leave the rest. Or I could find a new sponsor, or I could just stop talking to him....

In summation he said "if you don't drink and go to another meeting you'll be OK"..... which oddly enough was his answer for everything that I ever asked him.... I put all my eggs in that basket and it hasn't let me down yet.

OH and I just stopped talking to the guy. Haven't talked to my sponsor in around 17 years. Got a pocket full of phone numbers of sober people I can call and see on a regular basis. If Ray B is out there somewhere I wish him well. In retrospect he did give me some solid advice on staying sober and at least I can say I gave that a try, wasn't for me, and moved on to find my own AA.

Cephas

You don't have to say anything to anyone. Your sobriety and what you are comfortable with is nobodies business but yours.

I have heard people talk about getting a sponsor who was a tough old timer that they really didn't like at first but they are now grateful they stayed with them. I have never heard a person say his sponsor talked too much about sex and made him uncomfortable and questioned his sponsors sobriety......but was glad he kept him as a sponsor. We are all different and being uncomfortable with the sex talk doesn't mean we are saints either. For some of us it just isn't helpful. Personally I needed to clean house every way possible before I stayed sober and that kind of stuff didn't fit for me.....and still I am no saint but I am sober.

If you get advice from one or both of the old timers in your small group you don't have to go into details. Just tell them you don't think it is working out for you and ask what you should do or how they think you should handle finding another sponsor.

Gottalife

At four years perhaps you should be talking to a higher authority?

"On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.

In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while".

Lily

For me recovery today is more than just the alcohol (as alcohol was but a symptom of a larger problem) it is whatever I am running to instead of my HP. I have seen many ppl switch addictions and I was one of them. I do not believe that is true recovery in the sense of the deeper meaning. I would say switch sponsors, and if asked I would be honest. Today my recovery is about having a voice and being direct but while treating everyone w/ digity and respect and not gossiping to anyone about him. Being honest even when it is hard. I am finding the more I listen to my HP the less it becomes about wanting to please others. Welcome and thanks for the post!!

clearingcobwebs

Re: TSDD : That's how I felt. Disappointed, a bit sad & a sense of betrayal. It was a real let down after having a terrific sponsor for few years. Feel if I kept him as a sponsor despite my discomfort of sexual exploits talk, it would soon lead to becoming a trigger for relapse. Not uncomfortable with sex talk overall but am uncomfortable with feeling like being used as a sounding board for sex talk involving finding strangers online to hookup with regularly & encouraging me to try it out. In my mind, sponsors are supposed to be good influences & one of the many supports we can use to help us stay on the recovery track. His actions go against those beliefs. I'm also a recovering codie & ACOA. Have a therapist who is helping me with becoming more direct with communication. Never been good at that.

Thanks for the replies everyone. Going to try & find a new sponsor in my group. If that doesn't work out, I'll seek out an online sponsor until finding a new group with better sponsor choices. The next group closest to me is about a 3 hours drive away but I'm willing to commute if need be.

clearingcobwebs

Thanks for the welcome Lily.

We share the same belief when it comes to true recovery.