Lily

I am working on Step 9 right now, making amends. This is my second time through the steps but realized recently I had missed someone. She was an old restaurant owner in San Diego I stole from. I was a waitress from 1982-1986 (Dishes, silverware, desserts, drinks)

I know she will not remember me since I have not seen her for over 25 yrs and she wasn't there that much as she owned many restaurants.

Since I have had to make amends to mostly family members in the past, I have a question for you all. Do you identify yourself as being part of a 12 step program when making contact, or do you just say you want to make amends? Did you guys add it up yourself and send a check? (I live 2500 miles away now)

When I made amends to my mother for stolen coins I purchased replacements when I went to make my amends to her.

Thanks, Lily

I am going to ask my sponsor tonight, but recently had to switch sponsors due to an unforseen circumstance in her life, so i am just curious what you guys think.

sugarbear1

Pray on it & meditate on it.

Why would you need to mention a 12 step program? Why not just make the amends needed and see what happens then?

I would think that by mentioning a 12 step program, some of our own responsibility becomes blaming our alcoholism, therefore we don't own full responsibility for our actions.....

See what your higher power and your sponsor and their higher power suggest....

CarolD

Considering the time element and the ups and downs of the restuant
business......it may not be possible to reach her at all

If not...you could take the $$$ you figure you stole and give it to a
charity that helps feed the homeless.
I send money orders to the Salvation Army to make up for some of my past misdeeds.


Just my thoughts...and I'm not always AA correct....

tomsteve

my sponsor said the 8th step is about discipline and action. mentioning anything about being in recovery is about ego and that got me drunk. i am there to clean my side of the street, admit my wrongs, why i did the wrongs, and what i have done to change. it worked good for me.

Lily

Thank you for your replies so far. The reason the 12 step program even came up for me is because just yesterday I was speaking by someone in recovery who told me she mentioned the 12 step program while making amends.

Thanks so much for the insights. You are right, saying I was working a 12 step program sounds like a cop out or even mechanical, like I am simply making the amends because I have to.

I really do not want to make the amends because of "the program," but because I want to do what is right before God.

But like I said above, the gal I was speaking with has been in program a long time and did mention it. I am not saying that length of program equals recovery though, I am just asking.

Lily

Sugarbear,

I never said I needed to mention a 12 step program, I asked what people who have worked the 9th step have done.

Lily

sugarbear1

Have you asked your friend why she mentioned being in a 12 step program when she made amends?

I ask questions for something to consider. I need no response. Just something to think about before you and your higher power act on your decision. Your qestion was whether or not you'd identify as being in a 12 step program, my qestion "why" was more for you to identify your motives.
That's all.

Tommyh

Most alcoholics owe money. We do not dodge our creditors. Telling them what we are trying to do, we make no bones about our drinking; they usually know it anyway, whether we think so or not. Nor are we afraid of disclosing our alcoholism on the theory it may cause financial harm. Approached in this way, the most ruthless creditor will sometimes surprise us. Arranging the best deal we can we let these people know we are sorry. Our drinking has made us slow to pay. We must lose our fear of creditors no matter how far we have to go, for we are liable to drink if we are afraid to face them.

1st edition big book

I never hide my past drinking or present sobriety
I try and follow directions.
I know you are dealing with something other than a part due bill,but I find these principles work too
best wishes on your amends Lily

Peter G

Easy answer? Add it up yourself, send the check, and get the particulars out of the way during the process. Like Carol mentioned, if you can't locate her or the logistics get tense, give the money to a charity.

If you're doing this to get right with God, she'll understand. If you're doing it because Bill W told you so, she'll get that as well. You're obviously on this train of thought for the right reasons, and that's the bottom line here, 12 steps or not.

Either way, your taking that action will be a welcome addition to your Karmic WIN column me thinks. Plus who knows, God might be directing you to do this now because she needs that cash for something critical. Or maybe it's been eating away at her for years, wondering who did what, when.

We all know how ironic and cryptic God's nudges can be. My motto has always been this (since my first coherent, sober day); when I'm led in a certain direction I put one foot in front of the other and figure out the semantics during transit. Used to be I'd stop somewhere and have a drink on it, while I considered the why's, the what for's, and the how to's. Funny how that plan never once worked out haha.

Gottalife

"Under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue. Simply we tell him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past."

I used the second sentence almost verbatim to explain what I was doing and why. I am fairly sure I explained I had joined AA and this was what I had to do to get sober. In anycase, amends to former employers somehow resulted in them learning about my AA membership, and they must have kept an eye on me over the years. A few years later, one or two turned up in the fellowship, partly because they had seen how well it worked for me. Opportunities to help others have also come on the same basis. I believe it was the right thing to let them know of my AA membership, people have been helped as a result.

Notabobblehead

From page 77 BB: Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.

Last year I made two financial amends for things I stole when I was drinking. Some members poo pooed me for these particular amends as they happened so long ago. One guy told me I was crazy. My sponsor didn’t say don’t do them but didn’t say I should do them. I made them because God laid it on my conscience and heart to do so.

I worked overtime to earn the money (total of $500) to send. I did not want my husband to be part of paying for more of my amends. OT was the best way I could achieve that. I wrote letters to both. In the brief letter I wrote: I work a program that teaches me no matter what the personal consequence I must make restitution for the wrongs I have done. I don’t love this sentence but I don’t think it sounds like a cop out and it sort of lets them know why I am bringing something up that happened 35 years ago. If I were to write it again I probably would go with: I work a program that teaches me I must make restitution for the wrongs I have done.

I then wrote exactly what I did and ended with the sentence: I hope you find this check satisfactory.

I walk a free woman today.

FlyerFan

This is a wonderful idea carol! I did not even think about this. There was an event that occured a few years ago and I have been pondering how on earth I would be able to make it up to the person if I can't find them! There are so many charities out there who would be so thankful!

EricL

In my experience, it has been important to actively seek out those that I owe amends whether financial or others. Sometimes this has taken some work, and sometimes it has involved sending a check to the "last known address" and hoping that the person who cashes it is the one it is intended for.

For my most recent amends, I didn't have a specific dollar amount that I owed people. So, I simply posed the question to them, "what would you have me do to set this matter right?" My sponsor enlightened me to something in regards to financial amends-I have been holding these peoples' money for years, I've had the opportunity to pay this back and didn't, maybe I should consider paying some form of interest on this "loan" I received.

As for saying I am a drunk... Absolutely I do, its what the book (as cited earlier) and my sponsors have always instructed me to do. "I am here to right a wrong, because if I don't I may never recover from this alcoholism thing." Something along those lines. I never outright invoke the AA name, but I state clearly my reason for being there. Sometimes I elaborate and explain my relationship with god if the probe further.

AW2486

I ripped somebody off in my high school years. Never was caught or pursued. It still hounded me .. With 20 years of sobriety I tracked the person down and did face to face amends. She did not want restitution, but thanked me for finally coming clean.

I would try and seek them out, and tell them exactly why you are contacting them. Honesty is a must. HP will take care of the rest.

Veritas1

"Simply tell him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past."

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