NYCDoglvr

Anyone relate to this?

The Spiritual Disease of Alcoholism
(Transcribed from a talk given by Wayne B.)


"Silkworth says I have a condition known as "alcoholism". I have a soul sickness, I have a sickness of my spirit"

"On page XXIV Silkworth says through Bill Wilson that I am "maladjusted to life, In full flight from reality and an outright mental defective." (That was my hope for the future.)"

Now you might wonder how that "ism" manifests in me as a child of God?


When I tell you I'm an alcoholic who suffers from alcoholism, according to Silkworth, Dr. Harry Tebou, Rev. Sam Shoemaker and Fr. Ed Dowling, here is what that means to me. When I tell you I'm an alcoholic, what I'm really suggesting is that I realize I look to you right now like a full grown mature adult man. In reality, I remain childish, grandiose and gravely, emotionally immature. As a going human concern my natural state is one of growing anxiety, depression and fear, coupled with an intense desire for EXCITEMENT. A condition of being which is complicated with and exacerbated by an obsessive, compulsive, impulsive, excessive, controlling, demanding need.. for attention, acceptance, and unqualified approval. A condition of being which renders me restless, irritable and discontent with life.

Now you might wonder how the restless, irritable discontented self affects my mental, emotional nature? Mentally my thought life is governed by 100 forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking and self pity, all of which drive me to live my life according to selfish, dishonest, self seeking, and considerate resentful and frightened motives in life. Motives if left unattended in me, arouse and engage dangerous and life threatening, and I said Life Threatening, levels of lust, pride, anger, envy, greed, sloth, gluttony, I turn into a pig, I WANT IT ALL. And that renders me ..emotionally a bit sensitive. Which means I have a strong tendency to take anything I see or hear, personal. I don't like criticism, and I can't stand praise simply because I don't believe you.

When it comes to suffering emotionally, I don't like to suffer emotionally, I don't suffer well, and I don't suffer ALONE.

Socially, I'm a bankrupt idealist, and brooding perfectionist who lives defensively and guarded in fear of being found out. As such I tend to rationalize, minimize, justify, and deny all my actions while casting blame upon innocent people in a vigorous attempt to avoid detection.

Regarding my fellow man and woman, I demand (and I said DEMAND) the absolute attention and control..of everybody. My response to you is I'm quick to anger, slow to virtue and I get a distinct, succinct delight and twisted pleasure out of criticizing and judging everybody I see. My outstanding characteristic is defiance, and rebellion dogs my every step.

Now as a child of God, that's a catalogue of my finer qualities. Anybody want a date? Oh my God...You might laugh at those symptoms, that means identification. They leave me with a condition known as "alcoholism" and here's how they appear in real life. I don't fit in, I don't belong, I'm not a part of and I always wonder what is wrong with me.

When I drink alcohol, ethyl hydroxide, that creates an abnormal illusionary effect in my mind of pending, seaming, normalcy. And if I ever drink again it's gonna be because I feel different, I don't fit in, I don't belong. So it's incredibly important that I stay here in the center of Alcoholics Anonymous and do that which I know will keep me in good stead with you."

TheJungianThing

Why yes, yes I do. Makes me wonder if the "position of neutrality" "safe and protected" promise isn't just within the context of alcohol.

Actually I'm quite sure it isn't limited to alcohol.

Mark75

IDK...

I get what he was saying, and even can relate on some levels. But I find it excessively negative.

Keep it simple.

24hrsAday

i liked it... how's that for keeping it simple? thanks for posting that NYC!

Mark75

LOL

I am just thinking' Happy, Joyous and Free, instead of Restless, Irritable and Discontent...

A share like that... hmm, that is one of the things about AA I had to learn to understand... his experience doesn't have to be mine... I am not a pig, sorry, ya know???... at one time I may have been and I see that now... but my recovery is not dependent on living within the context of my weaknesses...

RobbyRobot

Relate?

Yeah, when ever I was existing between drinks absolutely that share by Wayne B. descibes me to a T. Since getting sober and living the good life, not so much <grin>, although -- if ever I'm lost in a rut of being Restless, Irritable and Discontent, of course I would resemble those remarks pretty much as a dry alcoholic in trouble with his sobriety and risking certain relapse and a return to the drinking solution -- unless-- I re-take the direct path out of that unwanted experience of course by not picking up and getting back into the sober solution right smartly.

Wayne B. does a great share of giving an ironic personality to alcoholism that I find at the same time tragically humorous and dead on no B/S ain't-it-the-truth kinda wisdom that I understand with a simple simplicity of what motivates me to keep sober, lol.

Thanks for that post, NYCDoglvr.

NYCDoglvr

For me it's a good barometer on how strong my program is. Anytime I slack off I tip towards "restless, irritable, discontent" thinking, a miserable place to dwell. I agree that alcohol is but a symptom. Someone once said "you take the alcohol away from a drunken horse thief you still have a horse thief". I'll second that!

Tommyh

I really like Wayne B and his stuff he has worked on for many years.
I find your post a great description of our alcoholism and what it does to us over the years.We was sicker than we thought!

newby1961

I thought it was pretty spot on, it did lean toward the negative, but there are many folks who know the horrors of feeling irritable, restless, & discontent.
I think the importance is, what do you do when you get there? I pray, pick up on my mtg's, and I work with others, but it took me several years to get to that point.

I don't like people's judgment on others when they experience those feelings. People tend to think there is something lacking in a person's program if they feel that way. I think its only human to feel that way sometimes.

I tend to stay away from folks that appear to always portray how happy joyous and free they are because I don't relate to that. Its not that I am never there, I am lots but I am also on the other path to.

So I guess as long as I don't wallow to much in that black hole all will be well. I also try to remember that "no human power could have relieved my alcoholism, and that God could & would if he was sought." Big Book in How it works.

NYCDoglvr

I agree. There's a wonderful guy who's been sober 30+ years in my meetings who frequently shares "My name is _____ and I'm a restless, irritable and discontent alcoholic"

Tommyh

I know a oldtimer who introduces himself as
my name is Jerry,and I am a happy alcoholic
every time I see him,I say,now here comes a happy alcoholic!