Inafishbowl

Ive been writing out my first step and I feel stuck. I'm 61 days sober. I've identified my powerlessness a few ways. Once I start I cannot stop. Now that I'm sober, I haven't wanted to drink and turning it down hasn't been horribly painful. What is painful is the tantrum I throw because I NEVER will be able too again. That obsession is strong and has me feeling pretty powerless. For me though, I have been able to turn down the first drink. I feel like I somewhat have power over this. I still feel the powerlessness in a very profound and painful way.
My sponsor today was trying to nail home the point that I am powerless over the first drink. That I am defenseless against it. I'm struggling with this a little. I feel beat down and desperate. My bottom was bad and I am really marinating in all of the "yets" to sort of raise my bottom even more.

So am I not defeated enough? Am I missing something? I really want this to stick. I really want to remain sober. Am I powerless enough? Guess this is my question.

LexieCat

I always thought the only way to really "prove it" was to go out and drink again. I haven't been willing to go that far.

But I'm willing to take the word of others that if I get complacent and don't do what I need to do, sooner or later I will become messed-up enough again to drink. I know that in the past, I was obsessed with it. My obsession was gone pretty quickly.

I don't know if that helps any--maybe someone here will give you a better answer.

FrothyJay

Powerless is not something you can grade on a scale-- it's the complete absence of power. None, zero, nada.

Now the question I think you are wrestling with is...have you conceded to your inner most self that you are powerless over alcohol?

I think the "outermost self" is the part of us that logically understands that when I put alcohol in me, bad stuff happens-- I can no longer effectively determine where I will go, how much I will drink, or what happens. It's about the physical allergy-- the cause (drink) and effect (powerlessness).

For me, the concession to my innermost self was a dark moment. It was when I realized my powerlessness was not conditional-- it was not only after I drank, but also before I drank. This seemed to run counter to the allergy idea that made so much sense to me-- how can I get a rash if I don't eat the strawberries?

My sponsor helped me see the reality-- that countless times, I had sworn off alcohol with ferocity, and returned to it. That despite self-knowledge and a treasure trove of horrible experiences, I experience moments where I put alcohol back in my system, knowing full well where it would take me.

I've adjusted my definition of insanity, and maybe it will help you: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again knowing you'll get the same result, not expecting a different one.

The key question, I think, is this: Do you feel you are safe as long as you are abstinent, or do you believe (understand) that at a certain point, free of the physical craving and with a mind clear of alcohol, you'll still make a decision to drink? That, for me, is powerlessness in its purest form.

GettingStronger2

For me, powerlessness over alcohol is once it is in my system. If I take that first drink, I am indeed powerless.

laurie6781

With some of my sponsees, that have been where you are now, I have them do a Time Line of their drinking, going back to the first drink they can remember and each episode after that.

By the time they finish the 'Time Line' they have a 'visual' in black and white of the PROGRESSION of their drinking into alcoholism and the 'question' of being powerless is no longer a question, and has been answered.

You might see if this will work for you.

In addition, just like GS2, I became powerless once I took that first sip of the first drink of the day. As soon as that alcohol hit my lips I was powerless over how much I would drink and when I would stop.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

LetsGoJets

if it was this simple we just wouldnt drink no matter what and AAs success rate would be 100%. there is more to it, and the book Alcoholics Anonymous even explains that the main problem of us centers in our mind (the obsession to drink when we are seperated) rather than our body.

mtnmagic

So - I didn't get this and relapsed a zillion times. I didn't understand how
that very first drink would affect me. Now I do. Now I feel like a can maintain my sobriety.

Ask your self and answer honestly...what happens to you specifically after you take that very first drink? Then what happens to you when you are able to maintain for awhile? What do you do? How do you feel after one or two drinks? How does moderating your drinks work in the long run?

It took me the longest time to understand this. So much pain, I still
shake my head.

Also two things that I didn't understand for the life of myself, but thought I did. What was obsession and craving and how did that relate to me.

These are/were not trick questions. I thought I understood, but I didn't.
Was very impatient and brushed all this off like it was obvious. Go over this
stuff here and with your sponser. I'll bet you are amazed and a much faster
learner then I ever was!

As always, take what you want and please leave the rest.

FrothyJay

Well said. Since we're in the 12-step forum, I think it's important to point out that from AA's perspective, there is a clear answer on this-- it's not a grey area. We are defenseless against the first drink.

Mark75

You can drink anytime you want to. Promise. Do you want to? today, right now?

No? ... OK then...

Maybe take a look at the unmanageable side of step one.

Veritas1

Who has you writing out a 1rst step?

The book doesn't say anything about writing out a 1rst step.

Are you using some kind of workbook?

Doing steps out of the 12 and 12?

Doing some sort of exercise that a sponsor came up with?

Just curious...

Veritas1

"once I start I cannot stop" is a result of being powerless...it's not what being powerless means.

Powerless is not about control.

Powerless means without power.

Look up Mickey B. on the computer, and listen to his talk on powerlessness. He has a good workshop on steps 1, 2, and 3.

Here is a link: Scroll down to the bottom, Workshop, 1, 2, 3, part 1, and part 2. He also has one called I can't He Can, further up in this list of alphabetical speaker recordings.

http://www.live365.com/index.live

It may be helpful.

LexieCat

Lots of sponsors give little "writing assignments" just as they might give reading assignments.

Just as an exercise, to help you really think through the Step, or examine it from a particular perspective. Writing always helps me clarify my thinking--my thoughts can go chasing around in my head, but it seems to crystalize when I put it on paper.

FrothyJay

I agree, there is no writing of Step 1. Or 2. Or 3.

They are conclusions of the mind. And our experience with them deepens as we do the work of Steps 4-9.

I know sponsors give out assignments, and AA is filled with all sorts of worksheets. I don't understand why, though. The directions are in the book.

If you want what we have, do what we did. Precisely.

gravity

Once I start I cannot stop and without actively working the 12 steps and relying on a higher power I WILL DRINK AGAIN.

See, it's really easy to turn down that first drink when things are going relatively smooth. The vivid memories of my last horrid bender even helped keep me sober in early sobriety.

But what happens when major crisis hits? My 19 year marriage ended after 2 years of sobriety. I had to be there for two small very confused and upset children. The darkest period in my life.

If I didn't have the program and my higher power to carry me, I would have gotten drunk - 100% certain of this.

It sounds like you still have that obsession (tantrums) but that will go away as you work through the steps. It's about acceptance of reality - you are an alcoholic, you can never drink again, and it really isn't a big deal!

Keep moving forward!

DayTrader

But...... if someone can't grasp the message from doing that, maybe something "in addition to" what's written in the book is necessary.

For me, a LOT of writing was necessary for me to see a lot of my own BS, recognize it as such, and be willing to let go of old beliefs that kept me blocked from seeing my truth - especially in the first and 3rd steps.

The steps were both over my head and way-simpler than I thought they were.....almost at the same time - early on. Granted, nobody "took me through the book" but there aren't a plethora of BB thumpers 'round here.

Personally.....and this is outside the specific instructions..... I found writing to be very helpful and maybe even necessary for me to understand a lot of the steps.

I can't wholeheartedly say it's a bad idea.

Veritas1

Yeah, I shouldn't have said anything.

I think that my post reflects my own resentment with a sponsor that only had me do writing assignments.

Sorry OP

sailorjohn

I didn't need to write about it.

"We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever regains control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization".

I could write and express how that felt-'pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization'.

But not the other way around.

Good luck.

All quotes from the Alcoholics Anonymous textbook are from the First Edition.

tomvlll

Re: writing in steps 1,2,3.

I see nothing wrong with this approach.

I am in the main a fairly strict Big Book adhernet, but I don't belive the thing was perfect as written.
Remember the MOST sobriety anybody had wen it was written was 4 years, and not all of the the first 100 had gotten sober using the 12 steps ( including Wilson & Smith).

The relapse rate of the first 100 was quite high.

Therefore , the assumption that over time, better methods would prove useful seems completely logical.

Now I havn't done it, but I know a few sponsors who ask their sponsees to do some writing on Steps 1,2,3 and they've had pretty good success.

In case anybody doesn't know- NA uses a Step workbook to help sponsors guide their sponsees through the 12 steps., which requires much writing. It's really quite impressive; check it out.

http://awakeningsna.org/lit/SWG/narc...tep_workin.htm

keithj

According to your own assessment, no, you're not powerless enough. You have the power to not pick up the first drink. Therefore, your problem is solved and you have no need for God's help.

OR, you have the delusion of power over that first drink. The best way I've found to determine this is to examine my own attempts at quitting. I compare my own experience with that in Chapters 2-3, paying special attention to pages 23-35, and Jim, Fred, jaywalker stories.

What happened to those guys, who were easily able to resist the first drink for longer than 61 days, and seemed to have their lives back in order? They, too, had the delusion of power over the first drink.

There is no good way to talk somebody into this notion of powerlessness. I can share my experience, but it comes down to your own experience.

Sugah

All real alcoholics are powerless when it comes to alcohol. Two simple questions help us determine if we are (or aren't) alcoholic:

You only have to answer one in the affirmative. Me? I could white-knuckle my way through sobriety for an extended period of time (while I was pregnant and nursing, while I was substituting some other substance for alcohol), but never, when I picked up the first one, could I stop. It took external circumstances or my own body/mind shutting down to get me to stop. And as for the former, the "strange mental blank spots" (p. 42) got me eventually--until I had a solution.

Peace & Love,
Sugah