Shutting Down
Digitally Remastered
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Samsara
Posts: 102
Shutting Down
I am Digits and I am an alcoholic.
My sponsor was spending so much time with a sick woman who will not work the steps...This sick woman had involved me into her twisted world...Every day I dread an email from her. I avoid her like locusts and she seeks me out to hurl harm at me.
My sponsor was really hard to get together with and whenever I was on the phone with her I felt like if it wasn't a crisis I was wasting her time. I had enough....well...my SOBRIETY had enough [I was willing to wait it out] and I got another sponsor who has been there for me and has sponsored me when mine was otherwise unavailable. I didn't want to do that - But I did.
I feel one step removed from psycho woman and as an added bonus, I don't resent her as much as I did...Seems I was hating her for *stealing time from my recovery* with my sponsor. Right when I was almost in a space to forgive her completely I get a freaking email from her that is just unbelievable.
She has more *time being NOT drinking* than I do, after several attempts, and so I can imagine it could make her see red that a group asked me to speak and then in the same week I got some publicity for an outside issue and was in the news and then a few days later I was asked to speak at another group and so I did.
[I shall never explain this to her but maybe you guys remember...or maybe I mentioned that I have [make that HAD] a terrible anxiety disorder in which I couldn't even share for the first 6 months or so of my recovery...I couldn't chair either...But I made the coffee? Well I'd already made up my mind I'd NEVER tell my story...But then I started looking into books and people suggested medication, etc...How it all came to happen was really God working in my life. I allowed God to work through me and his version was funny. I sure wouldn't have *cured* me by making me tell my story, but it happened that way. This publicity event was along the same vein...]
This latest email was just bad. She sees these "changes" in me and I must be on a "cloud" and she doesn't want me to fall...She then goes on to give me permission to have a resentment against her if I want or need to [that's how it was phrased] and then ends with "Be careful."
Here's my dilemma....I do NOT want her to cross my boundary of "It is none of your business" anymore than it's *my business* what she perceives in me. BUT I also do not want to justify myself to her in any form whatsoever. I did write a *fantasy email* back to her that I have not sent, but I think it'll go one of two ways: She'll resent the crap out of it, making me uncomfortable to be around her if/when she starts attending meetings again OR she'll pick it apart justifying herself while at the same time the sentiment being completely lost on her...then I'll get mad.
I did try to stick to my side of the street but I don't know how *meanly* a sick person can take a boundary. This is the same woman I posted a while ago who hit me and I drew a line and she emailed that I was being mean. Is that even supposed to be my concern? Like I said....my original sponsor is wrapped in with this woman, explains her behavior away to me and I don't feel comfortable taking this to her. It's like the sicker a person is, the worse they treat me, and the more patience and tolerance I am to have but really, I am being crapped all over and expected to take it lest I hurt HER feelings? What the hell?
I have attached the original email and the response I haven't sent yet. Suggestions? Experience?
Digits
My sponsor was spending so much time with a sick woman who will not work the steps...This sick woman had involved me into her twisted world...Every day I dread an email from her. I avoid her like locusts and she seeks me out to hurl harm at me.
My sponsor was really hard to get together with and whenever I was on the phone with her I felt like if it wasn't a crisis I was wasting her time. I had enough....well...my SOBRIETY had enough [I was willing to wait it out] and I got another sponsor who has been there for me and has sponsored me when mine was otherwise unavailable. I didn't want to do that - But I did.
I feel one step removed from psycho woman and as an added bonus, I don't resent her as much as I did...Seems I was hating her for *stealing time from my recovery* with my sponsor. Right when I was almost in a space to forgive her completely I get a freaking email from her that is just unbelievable.
She has more *time being NOT drinking* than I do, after several attempts, and so I can imagine it could make her see red that a group asked me to speak and then in the same week I got some publicity for an outside issue and was in the news and then a few days later I was asked to speak at another group and so I did.
[I shall never explain this to her but maybe you guys remember...or maybe I mentioned that I have [make that HAD] a terrible anxiety disorder in which I couldn't even share for the first 6 months or so of my recovery...I couldn't chair either...But I made the coffee? Well I'd already made up my mind I'd NEVER tell my story...But then I started looking into books and people suggested medication, etc...How it all came to happen was really God working in my life. I allowed God to work through me and his version was funny. I sure wouldn't have *cured* me by making me tell my story, but it happened that way. This publicity event was along the same vein...]
This latest email was just bad. She sees these "changes" in me and I must be on a "cloud" and she doesn't want me to fall...She then goes on to give me permission to have a resentment against her if I want or need to [that's how it was phrased] and then ends with "Be careful."
Here's my dilemma....I do NOT want her to cross my boundary of "It is none of your business" anymore than it's *my business* what she perceives in me. BUT I also do not want to justify myself to her in any form whatsoever. I did write a *fantasy email* back to her that I have not sent, but I think it'll go one of two ways: She'll resent the crap out of it, making me uncomfortable to be around her if/when she starts attending meetings again OR she'll pick it apart justifying herself while at the same time the sentiment being completely lost on her...then I'll get mad.
I did try to stick to my side of the street but I don't know how *meanly* a sick person can take a boundary. This is the same woman I posted a while ago who hit me and I drew a line and she emailed that I was being mean. Is that even supposed to be my concern? Like I said....my original sponsor is wrapped in with this woman, explains her behavior away to me and I don't feel comfortable taking this to her. It's like the sicker a person is, the worse they treat me, and the more patience and tolerance I am to have but really, I am being crapped all over and expected to take it lest I hurt HER feelings? What the hell?
I have attached the original email and the response I haven't sent yet. Suggestions? Experience?
Digits
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Hi Digits,
I didn't read the attached email.
Digits, when setting a boundry with someone, the boundry is for YOU, not for her.
If you do not want this woman to be emailing you at all, then simply tell her that, then take the appropriate action to follow through with that boundry.
Block her email
And do not reply to this email or any other from her.
The boundry is YOURS.... put it in place, and then take action on it.
With your sponsor, well its times such as these that its our responsibility to have "other phone numbers"..... and then call them. Our sponsors have a life also, and they have choices, the same as we do
Keep the focus on you, your "thinking" , your behavior, words and actions...... because there is nothing you can do about the outside stuff, what this woman choses to do or not do, but there is plenty that you can do for YOU.
Why would we show tolerance and patience to a sick and suffering alky who may not have it yet?
Because its our own serenity and peace of mind that is on the line and at risk.........not theirs.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, and do not say it mean.
Have a great day ((((((((((Digits))))))))))
Love
Patsy
I didn't read the attached email.
Digits, when setting a boundry with someone, the boundry is for YOU, not for her.
If you do not want this woman to be emailing you at all, then simply tell her that, then take the appropriate action to follow through with that boundry.
Block her email
And do not reply to this email or any other from her.
The boundry is YOURS.... put it in place, and then take action on it.
With your sponsor, well its times such as these that its our responsibility to have "other phone numbers"..... and then call them. Our sponsors have a life also, and they have choices, the same as we do
Keep the focus on you, your "thinking" , your behavior, words and actions...... because there is nothing you can do about the outside stuff, what this woman choses to do or not do, but there is plenty that you can do for YOU.
Why would we show tolerance and patience to a sick and suffering alky who may not have it yet?
Because its our own serenity and peace of mind that is on the line and at risk.........not theirs.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, and do not say it mean.
Have a great day ((((((((((Digits))))))))))
Love
Patsy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
Posts: 821
I agree.Block her.There is no need to communicate with someone who is unhealthy for you.
As for who has most time...that matters very little.We all have today...period.It's what we do with today that counts.I know many people with less time sober than me who have a quality of recovery that is (in my eyes)more shining than mine...at least at the moment.And there are those who have more time than me,that I wouldn't trade places with for anything.
We have different gifts.Some people are great speakers.Some people are magic with a newcomer.Some people excel at making coffee,serving on committees,doing PI,or H&I,or any of a number of other things.But we all matter.It takes all of us to make up the whole.
(Even the psycho woman has a part to play.But you don't have to watch
)
Hugs,
phoenix
As for who has most time...that matters very little.We all have today...period.It's what we do with today that counts.I know many people with less time sober than me who have a quality of recovery that is (in my eyes)more shining than mine...at least at the moment.And there are those who have more time than me,that I wouldn't trade places with for anything.
We have different gifts.Some people are great speakers.Some people are magic with a newcomer.Some people excel at making coffee,serving on committees,doing PI,or H&I,or any of a number of other things.But we all matter.It takes all of us to make up the whole.
(Even the psycho woman has a part to play.But you don't have to watch
)Hugs,
phoenix
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Hi Digits!
Glad to see you back! As said.. BLOCK the *itch*.. no need for you to suffer he insistet garbage, it's obviously not beneficial to your recovery and that's what matters.
Dump her and don't look back.. she'll find someone else who will be able to tolerate her. As Phoenix said.. you don't have to watch.. just pray for her.
Glad to see you back! As said.. BLOCK the *itch*.. no need for you to suffer he insistet garbage, it's obviously not beneficial to your recovery and that's what matters.
Dump her and don't look back.. she'll find someone else who will be able to tolerate her. As Phoenix said.. you don't have to watch.. just pray for her.
Paused
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 17
How about pray that she receives every happiness in life that you want for yourself. I find that when I pray in earnest for those I resent, I become free. If you lack the earnestness, pray for that.
I like cake
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: London, UK
Posts: 34
Great advice, everyone.
Digits, really good to see you.
My HP sent me back here today and it was to read this... I've had something different but in a loosely interpretable way similar thing happen very recently.
The advice offered to you... I needed to hear it for me.
Especially this:
Thanks, Patsy.
Digits, really good to see you.
My HP sent me back here today and it was to read this... I've had something different but in a loosely interpretable way similar thing happen very recently.
The advice offered to you... I needed to hear it for me.
Especially this:
Keep the focus on you, your "thinking" , your behavior, words and actions...... because there is nothing you can do about the outside stuff, what this woman choses to do or not do, but there is plenty that you can do for YOU.
Why would we show tolerance and patience to a sick and suffering alky who may not have it yet?
Because its our own serenity and peace of mind that is on the line and at risk.........not theirs.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, and do not say it mean.
Why would we show tolerance and patience to a sick and suffering alky who may not have it yet?
Because its our own serenity and peace of mind that is on the line and at risk.........not theirs.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, and do not say it mean.
Digitally Remastered
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Samsara
Posts: 102
Thanks guys....Yes. I have been told to block the email...it's tough. [As I keep thinking it's "rude." Big laugh. I suffer but don't want to be construed as rude...] I'm making a filter to delete her email as it comes in. Anything important enough for her to say in email and not directly TO me, is exactly nothing I need to know.
Thanks for the help.
PS. Yes, I too believe psycho woman has a place....and yes. No, I do not have to watch.
Thanks for the help.
PS. Yes, I too believe psycho woman has a place....and yes. No, I do not have to watch.
Digitally Remastered
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Samsara
Posts: 102
UPDATE:
I am working on the "boundary" response with my sponsor and she's made some suggestions. I have finally worked through the resentments I have against her and that's good so if/when I send this to her I will have genuine motives other than wanting to get back at her. This is good for me, because then no matter how she takes it, I will not feel uncomfortable with her no matter her reaction. Because, yes, as it's been pointed out- it's my boundary FOR myself.
Digits
I am working on the "boundary" response with my sponsor and she's made some suggestions. I have finally worked through the resentments I have against her and that's good so if/when I send this to her I will have genuine motives other than wanting to get back at her. This is good for me, because then no matter how she takes it, I will not feel uncomfortable with her no matter her reaction. Because, yes, as it's been pointed out- it's my boundary FOR myself.
Digits
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
