shaun00

Hi my names shaun and im an alcoholic.....some might know me as trucker.

The title of this thread is something i asked my sponsor.....probably within 24hrs of last drink....nervous and sweaty i wanted it now..today will do.
Will i get floored by a rush of gods grace?.......See him at the end of my bed or become an angel over night..??.......well for me it was none of those..
My sponsor asked me to be patient and start at step one.....and he told me that if i do the work with the same passion i did my drinking...."with time you wont recognise the old you."
At the time i thought i was being fobbed off...lol...but with little options i jumped in feet first....i cried alot.......kicked and punched the sofa sometimes.
cried some more....whined .....sulked.....prayed with teeth gritted.
BUT there was no going back for me......drinking or not i knew it was over..

I grew fearful about christmas time.....with booze around but seemed to manage it with little problem...i was 4 months sober and i think id completed my 4 and 5 just before.

Around this time things started to shift slowly in my mind......i remember first feeling a deep........a very deep love and respect for my wife.
I realized what a wonderful woman she was.........and how blinded id become to what she had done for me....
I began to recognize twisted perceptions i had of people....of the world around me and saw the truth very clearly.
Judging people (a favourite of mine) started to slip away..
I began to see the good in others........i started to enjoy others company and my friends commented how easy going i was becoming.

I started to want to pray alot.......out loud...out on the estuary near my house.
this would bring about huge rushes of......peace...serenity.
you know the type?.......the ones that make the hair on the back of your neck stand up.
After lost connection with my daughter.......a deep love developed....an unexplainable want to help in everything she does.
I started to tell her i loved her every day on the phone.....and cried sometimes too.

I started to have weeks at a time without fear.....guilt .....remorse or regret.
the problem with booze was totally removed...i could sit in a bar with my wife or was happy with booze in the house......it just ceased to register in my mind......
God was doing for me what i couldn't do for myself.
I started to do voluntary work for the blind elderly......my wife put me onto it.
lawns.....gardening......odd jobs.
I cant explain the pure happiness this gave me.....i was deeply humbled by their struggles...and truly wanted to make a difference.

I began to fit into the world.......i felt i had come home......i felt human and worthy to be around....joking and laughing most of the time.
grandchildren run to me screaming and laughing......i cease to be irritable and discontent....and scary.

Thinking about what my sponsor said in the beginning ..you wont recognize yourself........and i dont.
A huge mental shift ........my mind has been renewed....i think back to how i was ...how i thought and how i acted.
how twisted id become.....and the difference today......
A spiritual awakening as i now understand it.......

That awakening continues to deepen and broaden.......that monumental shift continues.
Trust in gods plan becomes second nature.........and that "thing" between my ears is quiet and peaceful......i find myself deeply motivated to tell some drunks about the book...and the solution contained within.

I sit here tonight...thinking.....its almost impossible to comprehend i was a violent unpredictable drunk for years
im as shocked as everyone else..lol......

Mark75

Awesome post shaun. I think it's gotta help... trying to put into words this spiritual awakening thing.

I wrote some stuff, but you say it better so... peace to you shaun.

24hrsAday

Thanks for sharing that shaun..

Music

Thanks for that Shaun. If I strive for spiritual growth with as much conviction as I strive for physical and emotional growth, I start to give more credit to God who deserves it and take less credit myself. At that point the tendency is to have more spiritual awakenings because I realize nothing good comes to me without God's grace.

Boleo

First of all, I don't remember ever volunteering to be an alcoholic - I was thrown onto that path for no apparent reason. For years I believed that if I could just get all my ducks lined up in a row, I could manage my alcoholism without outside help. Every time I failed, I doubled my effort and tried, tried again.

At some point I exhausted every little plan, design and scheme that I could think of and gave up. I became resigned to the idea that I could ever stay sober and figured that as long as I was homeless, broke and 1000+ miles away from my hometown, I would just panhandle $5 - $10 dollars a day and drink myself to death. Not a bad way to go, if I could stay drunk enough to dull the pain.

At that very moment, the obsession to drink left me like an old worn-out toy. I could not even use logic and reason to talk myself into drinking. Something deep inside was fighting against my best intentions to drink.

At first I thought it was just a pink-cloud that would wear off in a few hours, days or a week at most. It not only failed to go away, it brought along a few new compulsions that I never ever wanted, like the promise that says "we will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows". No way would I have ever have lifted a finger to get that. It was not only an unwanted feeling but one I could not shake loose of.

Today I see promises all over the Big Book. Not just in step 9, but in almost every step. Some are "better than anything I could have planned for myself". Some are a pain in the ass as far as I am concerned, and some are so scary, I dread the day I get stuck with them. Why or how I got on this path I don't really know for sure. I suspect it has something to do with a phase I went through when I was a young adult, looking for a mystical experience.

Now that I am on it, I realize that there is no turning back. I also know that is somehow different than the sobriety that I was looking for when I first went to AA.
It is not even about sobriety in the classic sense of the word. It is more about peace of mind, joy and sense of purpose. Sobriety is just an outgrowth of it.

preta

This is really a great description of something I often have trouble describing! A lot of what you write here resonates with my experience. I still get skeptical sometimes, and your post helped me a lot tonight...I feel like yeah, the steps I did really did lead to a psychic change, and it happens similarly in others! I'm not conveying my thoughts very clearly..but thank you

Lenina

I hope you don't mind if I post this story here. I think it relates to a spiritual awakening and recovery. I liked it! If not, please disregard!

Chainsaw
This (Blonde) fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some
trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about
various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why
don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get
the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred
cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the
trees.After cutting for several hours and only cutting two
cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong
with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two
cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the
morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and
cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only
manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it
would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will
take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and
explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim,
removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it
looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man
responds, "What's that noise?

Love,

Lenina

Kablume

I read your story shaun and I got goosebumps and tears came to my eyes. I shook my head up and down going "yes!" Thanks for sharing your experience.

Lenina, that's a great analogy. Thanks.