Listen to yourself, get out of yourself, or do some work
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Listen to yourself, get out of yourself, or do some work
I'm aware that recovery, AA, a connection with God, etc IS the payoff but I believe that, deep down, I really expected life to get easier in recovery. While it's certainly better, that's in large part due to new tools I have at my disposal and a God of my understanding working in my life, not because recovery has eliminated problems.
To use an analogy it sounds for a plumber to expect that, just because he has awesome new wrenches, soldering techniques, and so on, that pipes won't burst or joints won't fail.
I bring this up because yesterday I received what looks to be phase one of foreclosure documents. A very sad, scary and shame-inducing event. 5 to 10 years of "functioning alcoholism" (lol) at work + a crappy economy now and my business isn't coming close to paying the bills. Quite a drop from the 15x greater-than-today income I "used" to have in this same job. Today, after talking to him, it sounds like my father (a career alcoholic with 40+ years of "professional" drinking under his belt) is starting to experience the latter stages of WKS ("wet brain") or perhaps Alzheimer or dementia (doctors recently ruled the latter two out but who knows?). He's unable to walk (more like a shuffle) for more than 15 or 20 minutes without falling down, on a weekly basis he believes he's still married to my mom (they've been divorced for 28 years), he crys and drinks all day long and if he stops drinking for a day starts to go into DT's, absolutely refuses any medical care or mention of alcoholism (although he was in AA 30 yrs ago for a year or so), freaks out and hates everyone, wants to die.......etc etc.
I have learned and believe, from my time in AA, that these things are all part of a bigger plan that I'm not in charge of. My experience has proven to me that what seems sooooo horrible at the time was really part of a bigger picture that, once I saw the whole thing in hind-site, made that bad thing seem not so bad at all - actually it was needed for a blessing that came later (this speaks more towards the house problem than the issues with my father).
I know to turn it over, pray and meditate, let God do for me what I can't do for myself, and so forth........... but MAN.......I'm getting sick and tired of these wonderful blessings that always seem to come on the tail-end of some horrible "tragedy."
It seems I'm getting signs that I need to re-think my career of 16 years as a financial planner - scarry. Alternatively, It seems like I could, if I reapply myself "like I used to" I could get my financial planning career back on track - but that hasn't worked for the past 3 yrs I've been in recovery. It seems I need to get started on a resume and look for an alternative career (could the timing BE any worse?) It seems need to start assembling a "plan B" regarding a place to live. It seems like I need to speak to my father and try to convince him to consider in-patient care. It seems like if I REALLY had faith (step 2) I wouldn't be upset in the first place - which kinda makes me feel like an "AA-fraud." Worst of all, it SEEMS like 3 years of prayers and meditation on "what career do you want me in God" and I'm worse off than when I started. <--- That's not completely true but handling the monkey wrenches life tosses into the gears is gettin' old......and/or I'm just not hearing Him correctly.
Can't someone just waive a magic wand and make everything better?
--the coolest part of all this though is that I don't have to drink over this if I don't want to........and I don't want to.
Thanks God, at least I have a chance now.
To use an analogy it sounds for a plumber to expect that, just because he has awesome new wrenches, soldering techniques, and so on, that pipes won't burst or joints won't fail.
I bring this up because yesterday I received what looks to be phase one of foreclosure documents. A very sad, scary and shame-inducing event. 5 to 10 years of "functioning alcoholism" (lol) at work + a crappy economy now and my business isn't coming close to paying the bills. Quite a drop from the 15x greater-than-today income I "used" to have in this same job. Today, after talking to him, it sounds like my father (a career alcoholic with 40+ years of "professional" drinking under his belt) is starting to experience the latter stages of WKS ("wet brain") or perhaps Alzheimer or dementia (doctors recently ruled the latter two out but who knows?). He's unable to walk (more like a shuffle) for more than 15 or 20 minutes without falling down, on a weekly basis he believes he's still married to my mom (they've been divorced for 28 years), he crys and drinks all day long and if he stops drinking for a day starts to go into DT's, absolutely refuses any medical care or mention of alcoholism (although he was in AA 30 yrs ago for a year or so), freaks out and hates everyone, wants to die.......etc etc.
I have learned and believe, from my time in AA, that these things are all part of a bigger plan that I'm not in charge of. My experience has proven to me that what seems sooooo horrible at the time was really part of a bigger picture that, once I saw the whole thing in hind-site, made that bad thing seem not so bad at all - actually it was needed for a blessing that came later (this speaks more towards the house problem than the issues with my father).
I know to turn it over, pray and meditate, let God do for me what I can't do for myself, and so forth........... but MAN.......I'm getting sick and tired of these wonderful blessings that always seem to come on the tail-end of some horrible "tragedy."
It seems I'm getting signs that I need to re-think my career of 16 years as a financial planner - scarry. Alternatively, It seems like I could, if I reapply myself "like I used to" I could get my financial planning career back on track - but that hasn't worked for the past 3 yrs I've been in recovery. It seems I need to get started on a resume and look for an alternative career (could the timing BE any worse?) It seems need to start assembling a "plan B" regarding a place to live. It seems like I need to speak to my father and try to convince him to consider in-patient care. It seems like if I REALLY had faith (step 2) I wouldn't be upset in the first place - which kinda makes me feel like an "AA-fraud." Worst of all, it SEEMS like 3 years of prayers and meditation on "what career do you want me in God" and I'm worse off than when I started. <--- That's not completely true but handling the monkey wrenches life tosses into the gears is gettin' old......and/or I'm just not hearing Him correctly.
Can't someone just waive a magic wand and make everything better?
--the coolest part of all this though is that I don't have to drink over this if I don't want to........and I don't want to.
Thanks God, at least I have a chance now.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Woops, left off part......
The title above was aimed at this: do I listen to myself and go pray/meditate.....which, given the headache I'm rockin' right now will likely result in me taking a couple hour nap.....or is that possibly just me trying to "escape" under the guise of "noble intentions".... maybe I need to do neither of those (work on the problems OR take a nap) and get out of myself and call a couple of my sponsees and be of service to them......
I think I'm gonna opt for the meditation -- wish me luck.
The title above was aimed at this: do I listen to myself and go pray/meditate.....which, given the headache I'm rockin' right now will likely result in me taking a couple hour nap.....or is that possibly just me trying to "escape" under the guise of "noble intentions".... maybe I need to do neither of those (work on the problems OR take a nap) and get out of myself and call a couple of my sponsees and be of service to them......
I think I'm gonna opt for the meditation -- wish me luck.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,903
yes,now we do have a chance...good topic
my sponsor has pointed out to me numerous times in the past,sobriety don`t remove all my problems but I can stay sober thru them,and we will definitely have problems.
My decision making has gotten better elimaniting some problems.
In the first years of my sobriety I had a lot of problems that needed cleaning up from the past,and it took some time.I looked around when I was about 6 years sober and noticed life was good and getting better.My old problems was getting solved and more peace came.Since then I have also tried to find long term solution to problems instead of quick fixes.I like to talk to old timers in AA and learn from them,they help me a lot.
my sponsor has pointed out to me numerous times in the past,sobriety don`t remove all my problems but I can stay sober thru them,and we will definitely have problems.
My decision making has gotten better elimaniting some problems.
In the first years of my sobriety I had a lot of problems that needed cleaning up from the past,and it took some time.I looked around when I was about 6 years sober and noticed life was good and getting better.My old problems was getting solved and more peace came.Since then I have also tried to find long term solution to problems instead of quick fixes.I like to talk to old timers in AA and learn from them,they help me a lot.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
"Don't drink, go to meetings and life will get better" was one of the first slogans that I heard in my first meeting.
Nothing could be further from the truth. For me life got much worse after I quit drinking, mainly due to the economy.
What did get better was my attitude. I no longer see life's challenges from the perspective of a victim. I see them from the perspective of a student (that which does not kill me makes me stronger).
Another thing that I gained from recovery was a new set of new coping skills. I now have a kit of spiritual tools to deal with my emotions where I only had bottles before.
Life may look worse for me from an outside observer's perspective, but for some reason I don't feel like I am suffering internally as much.
"In this life pain is inevitable but suffering is optional".
Nothing could be further from the truth. For me life got much worse after I quit drinking, mainly due to the economy.
What did get better was my attitude. I no longer see life's challenges from the perspective of a victim. I see them from the perspective of a student (that which does not kill me makes me stronger).
Another thing that I gained from recovery was a new set of new coping skills. I now have a kit of spiritual tools to deal with my emotions where I only had bottles before.
Life may look worse for me from an outside observer's perspective, but for some reason I don't feel like I am suffering internally as much.
"In this life pain is inevitable but suffering is optional".
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Just because I stopped drinking, I didn't stop having to live life. It's been said, "Life is 2% what happens to me and 98% how I deal with it. If I want to "blame" the economy that's fine, but blaming people, places and things doesn't solve anything. Climbing down out of the high chair of selfishness and self-centeredness, taking my thumb out of my mouth and getting to the job of working on my sobriety is the hard part. People fail and start over every day. Thousands of people do it and usually through no fault of their own. God has allowed me to work through so many things in my life that if I had to work through all them at once would make me crazy. Today I set my priorities and work on what I can work on and leave the rest for another day. First Things First!! We all either succeed or fail due to decisions we've made. Like the Big Book says, "most of my problems are of my own making." Prior to AA, most if not all of my decisions were based on "self." What I wanted or what I needed. Question is, do I want to succeed or fail. Bottom line is all I can do, is the best I can do with what I have to work with. If what I have to work with isn't enough, I have more work to do to bring me up to the level of success.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Originally Posted by DayTrader 
It seems like if I REALLY had faith (step 2) I wouldn't be upset in the first place - which kinda makes me feel like an "AA-fraud."
Point is that what actually happens is that the time that we are upset gets less and less, so what i mean is that maybe in early recovery something would happen and the shockwave could last months but then we learn that is because we were trying to take back the reigns and run the show etc and that causes pain...so the next time we rememberthe first time and so on until it comes to the point that it is learned that if we try and take back control it causes pain because if we are doing all we can do in a situation then we have done our part.
IMO this is something, like most things, that i would have learned as part of the maturing process had i not been away in alcohol fairyland for 20 years, maybe not the coping skills/tools that AA has given me but at the very least as a sane, mature adult that there are things out of my control and to do the very best i can and then leave the outcome to HP/fate/detiny whatever i believed as a non-alcoholic...
I spoke to my daughter last night, the one i just found i had, and she was going on about how guilty she felt about how she should be doing this and that and how things arent working out for her...shes 20 and i remember what it was like to be that age (it was only last year for me maturity wise anyway!) so i said who has told you that you should be doing or not doing all these things? Are these self imposed beliefs that have no foundation whatsoever or have you actually spoken to someone who has the life that you want about this and are struggling to follow in their footsteps...obviously at 20 this is some kind of ****** up self imposed beliefs, probably based on TV or what the neighbours seem to be doing! In that case instead of trying to force the round peg into the square hole think about what it is you do or dont want to do and follow that path because thats ok and allowed!
I feel this is especially true for us given the parameters we now live by and the tools we have...what is it you want to do honestly? and find the distinction between that and what you, self, think you should be doing...self will always cause me pain but it takes courage to change so sometimes its easier to stick wwith what i know...self...but i know that isnt an option for very long before it goes wrong again...and i dont mean getting drunk!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
There has been some very good reply's to the OP. I don't have any advice outside of what the steps already provide and just thought I would put a couple of things that came to mind..
At step 3 I ask to have the bondage of "self" removed, as I am partially (at that point only partially) convinced that my life run by "me" is a dead end. What am I bonded to? My job, income, home, reputation..yes. At this time there is also the offering of one's self to the care of "god" to build and do with me as "god" will. Is it safe to assume that maybe some things that I think should NOT be happening to me will take place? Is the long run of this is that I am better fit to be what god will have me be? Will overcoming difficulties turn out to be useful to others?
Sometimes I think it's good to review the decision that is made at the 3rd step and maybe reflect a little on what it really means. For me, it means that when really difficult life situations come about ~ I have no idea what the long term benefit of it will be. Like Music said ~ we work with what we have. If you look around enough you will hear amazing stories of lives seemingly falling apart in sobriety just to reach heights never imagined. At the fourth step I saw that ALL my fears are rooted in self reliance and not fully trusting that I will be taken care of. The instructions for fear arising are "We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be." There is a distinct difference in what he would have us 'be' and what he would have us "do".
What would God have you be?
The other thing that came to mind is from a completely different source.
Kurt Vonnegut - "Unexpected travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God."
Big Book references taken from First Edition Alcoholics Anonymous
At step 3 I ask to have the bondage of "self" removed, as I am partially (at that point only partially) convinced that my life run by "me" is a dead end. What am I bonded to? My job, income, home, reputation..yes. At this time there is also the offering of one's self to the care of "god" to build and do with me as "god" will. Is it safe to assume that maybe some things that I think should NOT be happening to me will take place? Is the long run of this is that I am better fit to be what god will have me be? Will overcoming difficulties turn out to be useful to others?
Sometimes I think it's good to review the decision that is made at the 3rd step and maybe reflect a little on what it really means. For me, it means that when really difficult life situations come about ~ I have no idea what the long term benefit of it will be. Like Music said ~ we work with what we have. If you look around enough you will hear amazing stories of lives seemingly falling apart in sobriety just to reach heights never imagined. At the fourth step I saw that ALL my fears are rooted in self reliance and not fully trusting that I will be taken care of. The instructions for fear arising are "We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be." There is a distinct difference in what he would have us 'be' and what he would have us "do".
What would God have you be?
The other thing that came to mind is from a completely different source.
Kurt Vonnegut - "Unexpected travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God."
Big Book references taken from First Edition Alcoholics Anonymous
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,947
Originally Posted by sugErspun
There has been some very good reply's to the OP. I don't have any advice outside of what the steps already provide and just thought I would put a couple of things that came to mind..
At step 3 I ask to have the bondage of "self" removed, as I am partially (at that point only partially) convinced that my life run by "me" is a dead end. What am I bonded to? My job, income, home, reputation..yes. At this time there is also the offering of one's self to the care of "god" to build and do with me as "god" will. Is it safe to assume that maybe some things that I think should NOT be happening to me will take place? Is the long run of this is that I am better fit to be what god will have me be? Will overcoming difficulties turn out to be useful to others?
Sometimes I think it's good to review the decision that is made at the 3rd step and maybe reflect a little on what it really means. For me, it means that when really difficult life situations come about ~ I have no idea what the long term benefit of it will be. Like Music said ~ we work with what we have. If you look around enough you will hear amazing stories of lives seemingly falling apart in sobriety just to reach heights never imagined. At the fourth step I saw that ALL my fears are rooted in self reliance and not fully trusting that I will be taken care of. The instructions for fear arising are "We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be." There is a distinct difference in what he would have us 'be' and what he would have us "do".
What would God have you be?
The other thing that came to mind is from a completely different source.
Kurt Vonnegut - "Unexpected travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God."
Big Book references taken from First Edition Alcoholics Anonymous
At step 3 I ask to have the bondage of "self" removed, as I am partially (at that point only partially) convinced that my life run by "me" is a dead end. What am I bonded to? My job, income, home, reputation..yes. At this time there is also the offering of one's self to the care of "god" to build and do with me as "god" will. Is it safe to assume that maybe some things that I think should NOT be happening to me will take place? Is the long run of this is that I am better fit to be what god will have me be? Will overcoming difficulties turn out to be useful to others?
Sometimes I think it's good to review the decision that is made at the 3rd step and maybe reflect a little on what it really means. For me, it means that when really difficult life situations come about ~ I have no idea what the long term benefit of it will be. Like Music said ~ we work with what we have. If you look around enough you will hear amazing stories of lives seemingly falling apart in sobriety just to reach heights never imagined. At the fourth step I saw that ALL my fears are rooted in self reliance and not fully trusting that I will be taken care of. The instructions for fear arising are "We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be." There is a distinct difference in what he would have us 'be' and what he would have us "do".
What would God have you be?
The other thing that came to mind is from a completely different source.
Kurt Vonnegut - "Unexpected travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God."
Big Book references taken from First Edition Alcoholics Anonymous
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
just my expereince here
I tried to stay in a career that wasn't working out for 10 years...the last 2 of it sober...
I started drinking after 7 years just before i took the job...and it paid awsome...I'm not a college graduate and the pay and the prestige was way beyond what a highschool grad can usually expect.
after an 8 year relapse, I got sober at that job...and found i could no longer do the job....what happened to me was that I drank again at 2 years rather than accept that it was time to move on...and drank until i quit that job.
Now i work for a lot less money. Things are tough...took me 8 mos to find a job. I'm not sure how i'm gonna pay the job...I am 4 mos sober and a bit.
Now i'm not saying the job got me drunk or sober...thats rediculous...it was my inability to work the steps...to let go of what was and move into what is now...to plug into an HP and do what I knew I needed to do....to trust that god wasn't gonna drop me on my head...to believe I am in the care of and move forward.
The job was an outward manifestiation of an internal problem. So I had to work the steps to find a real solution.
Things are not great today in many areas, while other areas are better than i ever dreamed possible...but sometimes realize I am exactly where I am suppose to be at this moment. Thats something that just wasn't happening before...i always thought i was supose to be somewhere else.
I tried to stay in a career that wasn't working out for 10 years...the last 2 of it sober...
I started drinking after 7 years just before i took the job...and it paid awsome...I'm not a college graduate and the pay and the prestige was way beyond what a highschool grad can usually expect.
after an 8 year relapse, I got sober at that job...and found i could no longer do the job....what happened to me was that I drank again at 2 years rather than accept that it was time to move on...and drank until i quit that job.
Now i work for a lot less money. Things are tough...took me 8 mos to find a job. I'm not sure how i'm gonna pay the job...I am 4 mos sober and a bit.
Now i'm not saying the job got me drunk or sober...thats rediculous...it was my inability to work the steps...to let go of what was and move into what is now...to plug into an HP and do what I knew I needed to do....to trust that god wasn't gonna drop me on my head...to believe I am in the care of and move forward.
The job was an outward manifestiation of an internal problem. So I had to work the steps to find a real solution.
Things are not great today in many areas, while other areas are better than i ever dreamed possible...but sometimes realize I am exactly where I am suppose to be at this moment. Thats something that just wasn't happening before...i always thought i was supose to be somewhere else.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Just to report back...
The news on my house foreclosure really freaked me out. BIG TIME. I started running through allllllllll the problems such an event would cause and, no surprise, that made it worse. (a classic case of "our problems are of our own making). Considering leaving a career of 16 years that I WAS really successful at in the past but sucking wind at now is an ego-blaster / shame inducer / anxiety builder too. I could feel myself revving up..........big time.
Shortly after my initial post, I got a call from a girlfriend that she wanted to go to the movies. Funny thing is I had just listened to a Sandy Beach open talk where he spoke about going to the movies when you're about to push the "panic button" because of some big problem in your life. He said, before you walk into the show, to let God know you're going in to watch the show and you're going to turn the whole mess over to him for the next 2hrs and 6 minutes (or whatever the length of the show is) and that you'll be back when it's over to pick the problems back up. He said you'll be amazed at how much work He does on them while you're enjoying the show.
Well, that's what I did. While I didn't have any great revelations about what to do regarding my career, all the fear, anxiety, self-directed anger and so on was substantially decreased. If nothing else, I was in a much better place mentally to weigh pros and cons and to do thinking about what to do next.
In the past I would have called that "ducking my problems." To be frank, I still kinda feel like that's what it is.....heh...... but maybe that's not so bad when it's just for a couple hours and the path I was headed down was going to get progressively darker and scarier.
The news on my house foreclosure really freaked me out. BIG TIME. I started running through allllllllll the problems such an event would cause and, no surprise, that made it worse. (a classic case of "our problems are of our own making). Considering leaving a career of 16 years that I WAS really successful at in the past but sucking wind at now is an ego-blaster / shame inducer / anxiety builder too. I could feel myself revving up..........big time.
Shortly after my initial post, I got a call from a girlfriend that she wanted to go to the movies. Funny thing is I had just listened to a Sandy Beach open talk where he spoke about going to the movies when you're about to push the "panic button" because of some big problem in your life. He said, before you walk into the show, to let God know you're going in to watch the show and you're going to turn the whole mess over to him for the next 2hrs and 6 minutes (or whatever the length of the show is) and that you'll be back when it's over to pick the problems back up. He said you'll be amazed at how much work He does on them while you're enjoying the show.
Well, that's what I did. While I didn't have any great revelations about what to do regarding my career, all the fear, anxiety, self-directed anger and so on was substantially decreased. If nothing else, I was in a much better place mentally to weigh pros and cons and to do thinking about what to do next.
In the past I would have called that "ducking my problems." To be frank, I still kinda feel like that's what it is.....heh...... but maybe that's not so bad when it's just for a couple hours and the path I was headed down was going to get progressively darker and scarier.
Don't resist, allow
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Originally Posted by DayTrader
It seems I'm getting signs that I need to re-think my career of 16 years as a financial planner - scarry. Alternatively, It seems like I could, if I reapply myself "like I used to" I could get my financial planning career back on track - but that hasn't worked for the past 3 yrs I've been in recovery.
I wonder which it is that God is guiding you to do?
I think you are right in a later post that you need to meditate. When I got to Step 11 I went looking for all sorts of ways to meditate and ended up back reading and following the specific directions in the BB on page 86 and 87 at what to do at night, in the morning and at times during the day when faced with indecision.
Like it says on page 88 I was undisciplined and I needed disciplined directions to get me into the habit of prayer and meditation. In fact I used to read p86 daily and follow the words with my finger to check that I was following ALL the directions. After time I found that I started to hear God during meditation and the answers became clear just as it promises on page 87.
So if the promises on p87 have not happened for you yet, then I would suggest following the directions to the letter.
Over time I have since found my prayer and meditation evolve and I have used other methods to supplement what I have done in the BB.
One thing that I have found in difficult times is that I feel like God carries me though them. I still feel pain but I can grow through the pain, but I don't feel the self-pity, which I used to use like a drug and which was always destructive, like any drug.
Don't resist, allow
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Originally Posted by yeahgr8
I spoke to my daughter last night, the one i just found i had
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