Kjell

Just wanted to post that I've not been thinking well over the past fews days.

I'm not posting to complain, but just to try to get my thinking back on track.

I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing (praying, going to meetings 90 in 90 style, calling my sponsor), but again, my thinking is just, well, not well. I'm angry, I'm anxious, I can't sleep at night. I'm tired, my body and mind are tired.

My Dad is possibly dying and I'm going to see him this weekend. I'm also not feeling 100% with some sort of cold thingy. Again, not posting to complain, but to try to get back on track.

I don't think I'm going to drink and I don't want to, but maybe I'm just in a rut? I dunno...thanks.

yeahgr8

Hi sorry to here about your father, just a thought for you....you are under the weather and your father sounds like he is seriously ill...a lot of sane, mature people would feel much the same way as you do in those circumstances...but they have had since early teens to be able to handle the feelings and emotions, yours, if you are like me, are raw and new...it's still major early days for you and you haven't finished the steps which means give yourself a huge amount of understanding before beating yourself up next...but do get on with the steps, you only have to stay in that 'rut' for as long as it takes you to get to step 9...hope you feel better:-)

Cowbell

Sometimes just writing down something like you did in the first post can open your eyes to what it really is.

By stating that you haven't been thinking well - you put it on the table rather than bottling it up, that is a good thing. Transparency is critical to my recovery, that is why I do regular tenth steps with another alcoholic.

keithj

Kjell,

Early sobriety is no picinic, and rough days are common. There is no way around that. I always had to stay connected to Step 1. I'm screwed, and I might not like the way I feel today or what's happening in my life, but what are my options? Go on to the bitter end, or accept spiritual help. Even when the day sucks, I still don't have other options.

So I get to pause, and ask for removal of fear, ask for direction, ask where I can be useful. I remind myself that I have given up completely, and I'm willing to go wherever God takes me, even if I don't want to go there.

Even if I don't want to go there.

You know my thoughts on this, Kjell. What you are supposed to be doing, if you want to recover and are willing to go to any lengths, is taking the Steps. My first sponsor was relentless on this. What Step am I on? What have I done today to make progress on that Step? Everything was not important. He stressed single-minded focus on making progress on the Step I was on. It's life or death, and having that spiritual experience was the only thing that was going to save me. What am I doing today to get that vital power in my life?

Kjell

Boy this is right on. I'm learning how to handle this, like you say "raw", emotions. I do believe that I'm very immature in a lot of ways b/c I drank and drugged for so long.

Kjell

I'm on step 2 and we are just about to finish the chapter "we agnostics" this Friday. I believe I'll then be on to step 3 (or at least I hope).

What am I doing to get that vital power in my life you ask? I don't really know, but I'm doing whatever my sponsor tells me. I can't really tell up from down right now and I feel insane, but better and hopeful all at the same time.

keithj

OK, KJell, you're in the book with a sponsor who knows you need to be in the book. That's as right on as you can get. That's how you get that vital power, or at least that's how I got it, and how many people I trust my life with got it.

I'm working with a new guy right now. He's just starting to make amends and he has some doubts about whether or not this is going to work for him. Young kid, 50 some days sober, full of fear and doubt. And he should be. He has no experience with trusting this process and having things work out. It's all just blind faith and hope for him still. But, others are seeing a subtle change. He's more relaxed, more confident, less abrasive, more real.

You're fine, Kjell. Doesn't always feel good, and it doesn't have to. Some of the most profound growth I've had has come through considerable pain and discomfort.

Bob23

That's been my experience as well Kjell. Not only is it necessary to feel the whole gamut of emotions we once refused to feel while hiding in the bottom of a bottle, we also need to be grateful for these opportunities for growth. Emotional pain and discomfort never killed anyone, and coming out the other side, we are rewarded by a new life light that empowers us even more for the journey ahead.

Boleo

That sounds like good advice to me. Remember the paradox's:

We must suffer to get well.
We must surrender to win.
We must give it away to keep it.

Kjell

You know, all your replies got me to thinking... (dangerous, I know )

Even though I'm not drinking/drugging, I'm still chasing and expecting that instant gratification, that instant "make me feel good" thing, whatever that may be. I still don't want to feel normal or heck, I don't even want to feel average.

Maybe I'm scared to feel this way. I dunno...

I wonder how long, before I quit, I was chasing what was never there anymore?

I wonder how long I'll continue to chase what does not exist?

Bob23

It takes some time to become acquainted with your sober self. Sobriety is a journey of discovery. Let it flow through you. This questioning of things you seem to be going through is normal. And healthy. It is only through understanding what and why you feel that you can sharpen your focus on your ultimate goal, that of being and staying sober.

Music

Sounds to me like "life" is getting in your way. It gets uncomfortable sometimes when things are going on and there's nothing we can do about it. Just tie a knot and hang on.

tomvlll

I think of threas like this when I hear that questions " how fast should you work the steps?
How soon do you want to get better.

I thought I needed to rewrite " Summa Theologica" and figure out all the mysteries of the universe before I was 'ready' for step 4.

I have since concluded that was the wrong approach.
I think if you just crack open the window in the slightest way and allow for even the possibility of a higher power, you are ready to move forward.
I think you will find that window open more AFTER you go throught the steps.

And the obsession to drink will be removed.

Kjell

Good question. I want to get better right now, but of course I know that's not possible.

I do believe I've worked/understood step 1 and step 2. I know my sponsor believes this to also be true. I'm meeting with him tomorrow to finish "we agnostics" and hopefully move on to step 3.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

Man, this is a doozy. It's one thing to turn my life over, but my will? I want to do it and will do whatever it takes to do it, just not sure how to do it?

Ago

* It IS possible, that's the point, you get better by working the steps

** Strangely enough the answer to this is the same as the first, you work step 3 by working 4-12, 4-12 teaches you how to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand him.

If it was as simple as just thinking, you could just think yourself better, so far I haven't seen that work, step 3 is an action step consisting of 4-12

Kjell

[QUOTE=Ago;2493208) step 3 is an action step consisting of 4-12[/QUOTE]

Ok, I can grasp that. Thank you.