firestorm090

Okay, a couple more questions that you may be able to help me with.

Sometimes I feel my head is like a haunted house at Halloween, you never know what will jump out at you around each corner. It's scary in there. When I really take my blinders off, I see a guy I don't like too much, an arrogant, egotistical jerk, self-centered to the extreme, opinionated, and snobbish. Those qualities disturb me greatly, so I want to change all of them as quickly as possible. That's my impatience coming out. I want to be better, NOW, not next week, not next month, etc.

How do you change to be the person you want to be when you've been a jerk most of your life? I'm tired of being a jerk, someone who doesn't even know the meaning of the word love, someone who has never really loved anyone, including myself. How do you learn to do that? I've read books on love, but remained strangely detached, like I was reading physics or biology, or a how-to manual on fixing the faucet. In the meantime, it seems I've withdrawn further from the world, scared of being hurt, so I don't let others get close to me. That's part of why I drink, for that few minutes of camaraderie, feeling I'm part of the crowd, but never really IN the crowd, if you can understand that. I know it's strange, but that's it, my feelings are strange, just a glob of goo swirling around in my head. Many people think I'm a good guy, I'm helpful, thoughtful and considerate most of the time, but I keep even my closet friends and relatives at a distance, never really disclosing my self intimately, hell I don't even know what that is, intimacy seems like another one of those theories based on a theory to me.

I know this is tough stuff to deal with, but it is this very stuff that I've always ran from, and the end result is I haven't changed much at all inside. I don't like that about myself, so I'm asking how others did it, how does this kind of change happen, can it even be changed or am I stuck being a jerk.?

Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

TTOSBT

fire,
I can tell you what has worked for me and that is working the 12 steps of AA.
I do not mean to sound like a cliche, but the harder I have worked, the faster and bigger results I have gotten.
I am finishing up my 9th step and I feel so stupid saying this....but truly I am amazed before I am halfway through! I felt SO at peace this week. It is 10 days until my 1 year sobriety birthday and I never thought I would come this far and change this much.
i made my amends to my 17 year old son today and I am on a high like I have never been before.
So...I will use another cliche....
Don't leave before the miracle happens! :ghug3

ETA: oops, I just read your other thread and I probably sound like one of those people huh? The ones you want to say to hell with you? Sorry, I know I sound like a sap. I don't always. But yeah, life is pretty damm good right now

laurie6781

Okay, I know you want it all RIGHT NOW <vbg> and that ain't going to happen. lol So how you do it it, is simple one teeny step at a time One Day At A Time.

What does that mean? Well, take just one thing that frustrates you about you, just one, like your self centeredness. So how do you change that. Here is a simple exercise. Practice doing something nice for someone else EVERY DAY, just one thing, and a different someone each day, and DON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT. That should keep you busy for a while, lol

Welcome to the club. I don't know too many of us tht hven't felt this way in early recovery. You ARE NOT unique,

This recovery 'thing' is "progress not perfection." We spent a lot of years hiding behind a 7ft high 7ft thick steel wall (not wanting to be hurt), using alcohol and/or drugs to numb our feelings, and it will take time, lots of time to undo a lifetime of a very bad habit that turned into slavery.

Picture yourself as a slave just released from the shackles of ALCOHOL. And just like slaves of old, most, upon being set free did not know how to live. Now you are starting to learn how to live a different life than you have had up to know.

Don't be in too big a hurry. Literally stop and smell the roses, watch the clouds change shape, look at the new flowers blooming, watch an ant colony and see how they work. Slowly as you start to stay in today and enjoy the beauties of nature and what is going on around you, you new life will start to grow.

I learned how to do this by first working the 12 steps 1 through 12 in order and then learning how to LIVE the 12 steps on a daily basis.

Slow down a bit FS. I was at a meeting one night at about 8 or 9 months sober and there was a person there taking a cake for 20 years. I must have made a sound, a whimper or something, because my sponsor turned, looked at me, and said:

"You will get 20 years of sobriety, One Day At A Time." Later at coffee she told me she knew exactly what I had been feeling, "I wanted that 20 years NOW." because she had been there herself, rofl

So keep asking your questions, reading your BB, going to meetings, listening, looking for a sponsor. You are already changing you just do not see it yet.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

firestorm090

Thanks laurie,

I like that idea of helping someone each day anonymously, that's a great thing to do. I would have never thought that up myself, too damn self-centered, lol.

Yep, I need to slow down and let time have time. That's hard to do but there is no other way. Sure wish I had some magic pills or a wand to wave, say a little jibberish and presto, nice guy, lol. Just ain't gonna happen, bummer.

Thanks again for your help.

navysteve

Dear God, let me be treated by others tomorrow the way I treated folks today...

tommyk

I learned that I can't change a lot of my negative, jerk-like, self-centered thoughts.

But I've also learned that I don't have to act on these thoughts, I can remain silent.

The first thought that pops into my head is usually 'arrogant, egotistical jerk, self-centered to the extreme, opinionated, and snobbish'....

... and often times I just smile because I know now that really truly isn't ME... it is the 'diseased' portion of my mind acting out.

But I don't have to act out in a similar fashion.

Music

Don't drink, go to meetings, get a sponsor and start working the steps. Don't think these things are going to change any time soon. You didn't become a jerk over night. It's going to take time and constant vigilance on your part.

yeahgr8

I honestly could have written your post, identical! I could go through your whole post and put in examples, for me, of every single piece you pointed out about yourself. Hope you find your answer:-)

RufusACanal

The answer is simple. You have to work for what you want. Get to work, the good will come. It is easy to stay lost. Make some decisions, take some action and get to work on your New Life. You may find that you are not as lost as you seem.

Keep it simple and get to work!

firestorm090

Thanks for all of your help.

Sometimes I feel like I'm wrestling with alligators in my head, or getting punched out by my own dizzying round of thoughts, up, down, up, down, might as well be doing pushups while a fat gorilla sits on my back.

Honesty, openmindedness, and willingness are three areas I struggle with each day. 37 days without a drink and I feel worse, and more lost each day, with brief glimpses of sanity, followed by more rollercoaster rides in the abyss of scattered thoughts. It's a wonder I can brush my teeth each day, lol.

Being stubborn and hardheaded, I know that I will continue to fight for my new life, I'm reading each day, going to meetings, drinking lots of coffee, and maybe learning. Not sure about the learning part, but I'm trying to keep an open mind. I haven't told anyone off in a couple days now, so that's a start, lol. Best I can do for now.

navysteve

More evidence that perhaps drinking was just a symptom of something else. Start working the steps my friend and this will pass.

firestorm090

Hey Steve, how are ya??

Yep, I'm sure I have multiple layers of junk to sort through, clean out, rearrange, and it's gonna take a lot of time, but I'm here, going to a meeting tonight, not drinking today and trying to listen. It's that listening part that stumps me everytime, lol.

keithj

Firestorm,

I can relate entirely to both the feeling of not really fitting in and they chattering monkeys in my head. Sometimes I still feel that way temporarily, but I can laugh about it and re-center.

You work the steps. Simple as that. I saw your other post about everything you have to do, that long list. It looked scary. Really all you have to do is forget about all that stuff and sit down with the book and a knowledgable recovered alcoholic and look at step 1. All the rest will come.

I have become convinced through experience that I can not become the person my higher power would have me be without that higher power's help. I simply lack the power to not be that same old jerk. That same old jerk drinks obsessively and is a bringer of chaos to those around him. I, however, with the help of a higher power, have no desire to drink and spread a little harmony in the world. I am uniquely useful, comfortable, and happy.

You can be too. Not by thinking about the steps or reading about the steps, but by taking them. What are you waiting for? What step are you on? What have you done today for your sobriety?

navysteve

I am good Dallas,
Glad to see you still here. Just left Admirals call ( and I thought i liked listening to myself talk!). Get yourself a good sponsor and go at it man!
Best gift you will ever give yourself!

bob_sapp

This is the double-bind of sobriety. You get sober long enough to have self-insight and clarity, and you realize you've become a person you really don't like. You try everything you can think of over a period of time, and you don't get the desired result. It's very hard to change, and the only remaining solution you can think of is drinking. But you can't do that, so what do you do?

Pray, keeping doing the 12 steps, talking to your sponsor. Talk to counselors or religious people when they can help you. Keep grinding away at eating/sleeping/working. Hope things change one day?

Emimily

my spons always tells me to "put the bat away" when i start getting down on myself for not changing for the better fast enough... it'll come. you're better than you were yesterday, and you'll be better than you are today, tomorrow, BUT - tomorrow's not here yet, so enjoy today fully. be your best ever today. have the best thursday you've had in your life today. and try that every day.

sometimes it'll be rawsome, sometimes it'll suck, but if you just keep truckin, you'll be amazed. so will everyone around you, and the coolest thing - they'll notice it before you! congrats on your time so far, brother.