SelfSeeking

Today I realized that a woman that attends my homegroup for the last 2-3 months... I think she's just there because she's bored. Kinda like the beginning of Fight Club, you know? When she shares she says "I'm ___ and I became addicted to pain pills many years ago when I was very ill with ____". Her shares are always little status updates, what she did over the week and such. She has never said a word about addiction, drugs or otherwise. She doesn't have a sponsor, she has never worked steps. I was just thinking that she is slowly getting ready to talk about why she's really there, but today I watched her face as people went around the rooms sharing, and I thought... It's like she's watching a soap opera. This was deeply disturbing to me.

I haven't said anything to anyone because I don't want to gossip. But now I find myself thinking, what have I said in front of this person that I may not want "outsiders" to know? Does she feel bound to our privacy pact or does she go home and yak to her neighbor about what she heard in the last AA meeting?

*shudder*

aasharon90

Im a people person watcher. Im good at taking
other peoples inventory which is wrong to do.

When i begin to do that, i slap my hand and
tell myself that's not nice.

I was told long ago that when i find some
particular fault in another then its the same
fault i have in myself.

So i try to remember those little things when
im out an about and not to take other peoples
inventory.

I'm no saint for sure.

Thanks for letting me share.

CarolD

...SS

I've never noticed anyone in a meeting who appeared
to be there for dramatic entertainment.

In many groups...we do ask that members share in a general way
and leave more personal matters for private conversations.

Those who do...avoid the problem of gossipy members.
It also helps with anonymity issues. IMO

How do I deal with anonymity?
It matters not to me who discusses my
recovery or my life....in or out of AA.

At my second AA meeting I knew 6 members
so much for my anonymity....

I'll pass along my mantra ...
"How Important Is It" keep me balanced.

Always good to see you here with us.

Ago

About 8 years ago I noticed an alarming trend, there were a TON of people in meetings that were there just for "group therapy"

Non-Alcoholics

AA had gotten "trendy"

This bothered me for awhile, I did my Chicken Little Act for awhile, telling anyone who would listen because I was "alarmed for the good of AA"

After a few months I found new and more exciting things to get upset about, after a few years I noticed I had been sober for a few more years and nothing negative had happened to me because of these people.

"Some are sicker then others" is something you hear around the rooms of AA, all I do now is try and make sure I'm not among them.

It was pointed out to me if I was actually working my own program I had so many character defects to be becoming willing to let God have them, I wouldn't have time to work anybody else's.

This has proven to be true for me.

If I am working my own program, other people's program actually becomes uninteresting to me.

Music

I agree with you Sharon. Things that upset me about others, are usually things that upset me about me.

I suggest to you SelfSeeking, that when you go to a meeting, you might sit and listen with your eyes closed so you won't focus so much on what others are doing, as much as how you're thinking and feeling when you hear what's being said. It's nobody's business why I go to AA meetings, or what I do while I'm there. I'd only add one thing. When anyone is allowed to talk about doing drugs at an AA meeting, the meeting can no longer be called an AA meeting. Our singleness of purpose dictates to me that we discuss alcohol and/or alcoholism at AA meetings. Not drug use.

jimhere

We get all kinds. Lonely, bored people looking for a place to belong. Kind of sad when you think about, a person would have to be pretty screwed up to want to fit in in A.A.

Here where I live, there is a woman, a non-alcoholic, who is a regular at many of the meetings. I know she is not alcoholic because I've heard her say that she isn't alcoholic. I've also heard her say that she loves AA meetings. I also heard her say that she goes to NA meetings. I think that she is lonely and is attracted to being with screwed-up people.

I was at a friend's home group meeting one time and this woman was there. The meeting is open, so unless the group decided by group conscious that she couldn't be ther, it was OK for her to be there. The problem is that in many meetings, she always wants to share. Well, she shared. After the meeting, a couple of the women from that group very gently explained that while she was welcome to attend the meeting, it was the group's conscience that only people who identify as alcoholics share. They explained the importance of our primary purpose and how vital identification is for the alcoholic who is new (and not new for that matter). I don't think she got it, because I still see her at other meetings, although she hasn't been back to my friend's group.

Unless the meeting is closed, I think that we will always see this sort of thing. I also believe that if a non-alcoholic attending an open meeting is there just to learn and ask questions, that is not a bad thing. Even the voyeurs, or "looky-loos" as I call them cause no real harm, unless we allow them to participate in the meeting.
Jim

RufusACanal

I too, have been amazed at the number of folks who come to us who are not Alcoholics; thankfully as a fellowship, we rely on our singleness of purpose. I am not distressed whether they are there or not, because how do I know unless they say so. If they do not identify as someone with a desire to stop drinking, they are asked to leave; simple.

Paranoia is not one of my current life issues, though I can see how debilitating it can be for some. I am reminded of the phrase "Eyes Forward". I heard this phrase when I was in the Navy, but it didn't really impact my life until I went to prison. I quickly learned that what others were doing at any time was none of my business; this was a life and death matter. If an inmate though another inmate was snooping into their business, someone would pay for it. Now that experience was decades ago and it impacted my life, but I have learned to not be concerned with where I am not welcome. I also know that I have enough on my plate to not be concerned with the everyday affairs of whoever sits in the chair next to me at a meeting.

If this feeling persists, you might want to see a professional who would be more knowledgeable.

McGowdog

OP, I think it's good that you've observed this and I think it's right to judge people. For example, if someone whips out a knife and starts running at me, I'm gonna judges them.

But do you really care what this person gossips about AA? Does the "What you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here herehere" chant really matter? Talk about me! I dare ya!

We have a strong group and we do steps and if someone like that came to our "Closed" "AA" group, she'd be qualifying herself and be expected to do steps. If she was off or full-of-ch!#, she'd be "questioned" during our cross-fire and she wouldn't last. She wouldn't be kicked-out, she just wouldn't hang. You know what I mean? If you do something else than we do, you'll eventually change the meeting or go. We refuse to dummy down our meeting or our respective programs. I've seen it happen.

But you want to talk about me? Have at it. How's that workin'?

Agreed. This has been my experience too. The "gossiper" may enjoy it, but most people don't really care about us. Exception, those folks over at the Orange Papers. They must really not have a life and/or be bored.