Working With Others
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pugetopolis
Posts: 2,384
Well,
Bill was drunk when Ebby was talking to him. It is a good thing that Ebby didn't say to Bill "I'll talk to you when you are sober."
Many talked to me when I was drunk and I'm grateful for their kindness. I do think however that at some point it is time to let go.
As for working with sponsees that won't follow directions, I don't have the time and I tell them so. For instance, when it is time to write inventory they get a week. And I tell them that. I tell them that barring unforseen circumstances, that the inventory will be done in a week, or that our relationship will by necessity probably have to change.
Bill was drunk when Ebby was talking to him. It is a good thing that Ebby didn't say to Bill "I'll talk to you when you are sober."
Many talked to me when I was drunk and I'm grateful for their kindness. I do think however that at some point it is time to let go.
As for working with sponsees that won't follow directions, I don't have the time and I tell them so. For instance, when it is time to write inventory they get a week. And I tell them that. I tell them that barring unforseen circumstances, that the inventory will be done in a week, or that our relationship will by necessity probably have to change.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Greater Manchester, England
Posts: 82
In my time in the Fellowship I have been asked by at least 100 people to be their sponsor. I have to tell you that I have only taken one person through the program of recovery. There is a saying I hear all the time in meetings. - 'When the pupil is ready, the master will appear!'
Some alcohoics need to go through more torture before they realise that it is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that will set them free. Perhaps you should suggest another sponsor, who may be more assertive.
IF you can help just one alcoholic to stay sober, it is a bonus.
Some alcohoics need to go through more torture before they realise that it is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that will set them free. Perhaps you should suggest another sponsor, who may be more assertive.
IF you can help just one alcoholic to stay sober, it is a bonus.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,141
Originally Posted by BP44 
First, I do not take drunk calls EVER!!!! And that's the first thing I tell a new sponsee, don't call me drunk. I can't really help a person who is still drinking. Now before anyone says, "what if every one of us had to sober up before we could come to AA blah, blah" That's not the point. The point is there isn't much I can say or much that will be heard by someone who is drunk. So, my reasponse will always be, call me in the morning click. Now if it's someone I have some significant history with that's a different story. Then it would be time to grab another member and go visit with them if they were willing. As far as new sponsees and willingness, I find out very early their level of willingness. Most aren't willing to sit across the table. Those that are I move forward with. The ones that aren't have demonstrated a lack of willingness and desire, and mine always matches the sponsee's. I do not chase sponsees down. I believe the BB when it tells us that spending too much time on a prospect that isn't serious deprives others. I have not found a need to "fire" a sponsee. In fact, I don't even care for that term. I think it misrepresents the relationship. I have found that once we have discussed how we are going to proceed, and for me, it's always regular, usually weekly, they either call and show up, or will have a litany of reasons why they can't. Most of the time the ones who aren't serious drift away. And I make clear in the beginning that if they don't stay, that's fine, I'll find another alcoholic to work with. I had 6 guys ask me to sponsor them over the past year. Two are with me doing the work since last July. My sponsor says that it was 6 years before he had a sponsee that did the work and stayed sober.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pugetopolis
Posts: 2,384
Originally Posted by Katie09
Well, #1 I would sure be willing to sit across the table with you and not engage you late at night or drunk ever. #2, I sure would be willing to challenge some of your beliefs. God Bless You if they have been working, but hey,sure never worked for me. If you would care to debate this, feel free to DM me.
Besides, I thought you were only going to post in the secular forum. In fact, I thought you were taking a hiatus from SR. Are you drinking?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by Dime
How do you cut off a Sponsee who continues to ask for help when they will not take any suggestions or do the work?
We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy.
-Working With Others, p.96
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 6
Dime, I appreciate your posted question. I am bothered by a similar situation.
A sponsee seemed to be on the right track (finally) and then when I was out of town, she started drinking again. Still drunk and in bed from what her family tells me. (She stays in bed with a bottle nby by her side when she is on a bender)
I had really started to care about her - she had become a good friend. She has such a history of relapse, I am wondering if I can take her back as a sponsee again, if she asks. I am not sure I can take the pain of always wondering if it will happen again. I am acting like a family member. I know I could use some Alanon.
I am inclined to tell her (assuming she makes it thru this) to get a different sponsor so I don't have to worry about going through this again.
When I don't care about them and they drink, it doesnt hurt quite so much.
A sponsee seemed to be on the right track (finally) and then when I was out of town, she started drinking again. Still drunk and in bed from what her family tells me. (She stays in bed with a bottle nby by her side when she is on a bender)
I had really started to care about her - she had become a good friend. She has such a history of relapse, I am wondering if I can take her back as a sponsee again, if she asks. I am not sure I can take the pain of always wondering if it will happen again. I am acting like a family member. I know I could use some Alanon.
I am inclined to tell her (assuming she makes it thru this) to get a different sponsor so I don't have to worry about going through this again.
When I don't care about them and they drink, it doesnt hurt quite so much.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pugetopolis
Posts: 2,384
"When I don't care about them and they drink, it doesnt hurt quite so much."
I have told people that if you don't care, I can't care. But if you show me just one little bit that you do care, I can't help but care. This may sound cold and emotionless, but it isn't. It means that I've got to detach and not get emotionally entangled in their problems. If I do, I become useless.
I had to let a guy go this morning. Last week he & I took The Third Step and I showed him the instructions for inventory, with directions to be back in a week, barring unforseen circumstances with it done, or our relationship by necessity would have to change. This means everything else takes a back seat to writing inventory-meetings included. I've had guys take a day off work to have it finished. Anyway, this guy was supposed to be here at eight this morning and he called at seven-thirty saying he wasn't finished.
I asked him why he wasn't finished and why he didn't call a few days ago and tell me he wasn't going to be finished. Had he done that I would have worked with him. He couldn't give me a good reason. But this affected more than just me. My roommate re-scheduled his day so that we wouldn't be disturbed. I sponsor another guy that I meet with on Sunday morning. I couldn't ask him to give up his slot so that I could hear a Fifth Step. Most of us are asleep to how we affect others. We don't care enough about our own lives to even pay attention to the details of our lives. If he doesn't care about his own life, how can I? So I had to let him go. I don't relish taking this position, but I am not going rearrange my whole life just because your's is unmanageable.
Jim
I have told people that if you don't care, I can't care. But if you show me just one little bit that you do care, I can't help but care. This may sound cold and emotionless, but it isn't. It means that I've got to detach and not get emotionally entangled in their problems. If I do, I become useless.
I had to let a guy go this morning. Last week he & I took The Third Step and I showed him the instructions for inventory, with directions to be back in a week, barring unforseen circumstances with it done, or our relationship by necessity would have to change. This means everything else takes a back seat to writing inventory-meetings included. I've had guys take a day off work to have it finished. Anyway, this guy was supposed to be here at eight this morning and he called at seven-thirty saying he wasn't finished.
I asked him why he wasn't finished and why he didn't call a few days ago and tell me he wasn't going to be finished. Had he done that I would have worked with him. He couldn't give me a good reason. But this affected more than just me. My roommate re-scheduled his day so that we wouldn't be disturbed. I sponsor another guy that I meet with on Sunday morning. I couldn't ask him to give up his slot so that I could hear a Fifth Step. Most of us are asleep to how we affect others. We don't care enough about our own lives to even pay attention to the details of our lives. If he doesn't care about his own life, how can I? So I had to let him go. I don't relish taking this position, but I am not going rearrange my whole life just because your's is unmanageable.
Jim
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
"When dealing with an alcoholic, there may be a natural annoyance that a man could be so weak, stupid and irresponsible. Even when you understand the malady better, you may feel this feeling rising."
"If he is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as a banker for his financial difficulties or a nurse for his sprees, drop him until he changes his mind."
"Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. No person on this earth can stop his recovery from alcohol, or prevent his being supplied with whatever is good for him. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house."
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go where there is drinking, if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such a mission. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives, and God will keep you unharmed."
"If he is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as a banker for his financial difficulties or a nurse for his sprees, drop him until he changes his mind."
"Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. No person on this earth can stop his recovery from alcohol, or prevent his being supplied with whatever is good for him. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house."
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go where there is drinking, if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such a mission. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives, and God will keep you unharmed."
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