A rough 2 weeks
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 812
A rough 2 weeks
I haven't been around much for a few weeks because my life was turned upside down when I found out that my best friend in the program committed suicide.
I've gone through an entire spectrum of emotions and feel I'm beginning to emerge on the other side--thankfully, finally . . .
I went into shock for the first 24 hours. Then I was filled with despair. Then I was filled with rage and confusion and fear and anxiety and blame.
I doubted everything--AA, relationships, the meaning of life . . . but I did not pick up a drink. Somehow I knew it would not resolve anything, and it would only make it more painful. Plus it just seemed disgraceful to even consider drinking, given the circumstances.
A funny thing has happened, though. Once I found out what had happened, all of my resentments disappeared. It was like I was no longer angry at anyone. I realized how petty anger is in the face of how long we are here. Why not forgive? Why not try to love? Why not say a few kind words to someone who has wronged me as well as to someone who I have wronged?
I miss my friend. Just today I was thinking how I wished I could see my friend again, just one more time, and tell this person how much I loved them.
I've gone through an entire spectrum of emotions and feel I'm beginning to emerge on the other side--thankfully, finally . . .
I went into shock for the first 24 hours. Then I was filled with despair. Then I was filled with rage and confusion and fear and anxiety and blame.
I doubted everything--AA, relationships, the meaning of life . . . but I did not pick up a drink. Somehow I knew it would not resolve anything, and it would only make it more painful. Plus it just seemed disgraceful to even consider drinking, given the circumstances.
A funny thing has happened, though. Once I found out what had happened, all of my resentments disappeared. It was like I was no longer angry at anyone. I realized how petty anger is in the face of how long we are here. Why not forgive? Why not try to love? Why not say a few kind words to someone who has wronged me as well as to someone who I have wronged?
I miss my friend. Just today I was thinking how I wished I could see my friend again, just one more time, and tell this person how much I loved them.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
My first thoughts when, someone I care for commits suicide used to be you selfish s.o.b.
Don't you know how many people loved and cared for you??
Maybe, it's cause we feel so helpless thinking, maybe there was something we could have done!!
Tragedy like this makes me sit back and want to question the God of my understanding.
We have so far to go in the issues of mental health.
If, there is a lesson here, maybe for the rest of us to not take life for granted. I never leave a friend or a loved one without a warm embrace, you just never know
Don't you know how many people loved and cared for you??
Maybe, it's cause we feel so helpless thinking, maybe there was something we could have done!!
Tragedy like this makes me sit back and want to question the God of my understanding.
We have so far to go in the issues of mental health.
If, there is a lesson here, maybe for the rest of us to not take life for granted. I never leave a friend or a loved one without a warm embrace, you just never know
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 700
Back in the late 1980’s I had a friend in AA named Tom commit suicide. I can relate with you. It’s such a hard thing to deal with. I went through the same spectrum of emotions that you described. Looking mostly at myself, could I have been a better friend? Could I have acted a different way? Could I have done things different, Could of I .. Could of I .. Could of I...
Tom was a year sober, he didn’t get along with his dad and got kicked out. I rented him a room, got him a job at a treatment center I was working at. Things were getting better for Tom. Not because of what I did, because of the choices and actions he was doing. One day I came home and found Tom sleeping with my Married Boss. I told him that’s not the best idea for somebody in sobriety. With her being my boss, if they continued he would have to move, which he did. Their affair went on for 1 year. Then one day she broke it off, Guilt got the best of her. Ended up emotionally destroying Tom. She was his first love. He went to therapy, and psych treatment. He never drank over it. Instead he stuck a rifle in his mouth. Two days later his best friend asked me to be a pallbearer.
That autumn the community I live in had 6 people in AA commit suicide. The local halfway house called in a suicide in recovery specialist from Hazelton to do a seminar. I learned so much that day. He said people in AA that commit suicide don’t want to drink, all they want is the pain to stop. He said believe it or not the best thing that can be done sometimes is to beat the crap out of them. It makes them change their pain focus, only temporary. He said where they harm themselves is where they hurt the most. Tom’s pain was between his ears. He talked about after they make the decision how much relief they feel. I remember Tom coming to me 2 days before he died and thanked me for trying to warn him about relationships with Married women, and made amends. He was so different, I thought he was doing great and making progress. He already made the decision and was making peace with his friends. His best friend said he did the same with him. This guy also said every emotion we feel in reaction to somebody does suicide is normal. He had a chart of the spectrum you described, and it was right on, almost eerie.
What I learned right away was to never to get involved with anybody that is married.
Looking back at it today, Spiritual sickness happens in many different forms. Every choice and action I make today has to be moving in the right direction.
Sorry for your loss.
Praying for you
Tom was a year sober, he didn’t get along with his dad and got kicked out. I rented him a room, got him a job at a treatment center I was working at. Things were getting better for Tom. Not because of what I did, because of the choices and actions he was doing. One day I came home and found Tom sleeping with my Married Boss. I told him that’s not the best idea for somebody in sobriety. With her being my boss, if they continued he would have to move, which he did. Their affair went on for 1 year. Then one day she broke it off, Guilt got the best of her. Ended up emotionally destroying Tom. She was his first love. He went to therapy, and psych treatment. He never drank over it. Instead he stuck a rifle in his mouth. Two days later his best friend asked me to be a pallbearer.
That autumn the community I live in had 6 people in AA commit suicide. The local halfway house called in a suicide in recovery specialist from Hazelton to do a seminar. I learned so much that day. He said people in AA that commit suicide don’t want to drink, all they want is the pain to stop. He said believe it or not the best thing that can be done sometimes is to beat the crap out of them. It makes them change their pain focus, only temporary. He said where they harm themselves is where they hurt the most. Tom’s pain was between his ears. He talked about after they make the decision how much relief they feel. I remember Tom coming to me 2 days before he died and thanked me for trying to warn him about relationships with Married women, and made amends. He was so different, I thought he was doing great and making progress. He already made the decision and was making peace with his friends. His best friend said he did the same with him. This guy also said every emotion we feel in reaction to somebody does suicide is normal. He had a chart of the spectrum you described, and it was right on, almost eerie.
What I learned right away was to never to get involved with anybody that is married.
Looking back at it today, Spiritual sickness happens in many different forms. Every choice and action I make today has to be moving in the right direction.
Sorry for your loss.
Praying for you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 812
AW:
My friend also got involved in a "questionable" relationship involving a superior at work. I understand now why new romantic relationships are discouraged in early sobriety. Every person I have seen start one has either left AA, relapsed, or worse.
Thank you for your post. It has helped me in more ways than one.
My friend also got involved in a "questionable" relationship involving a superior at work. I understand now why new romantic relationships are discouraged in early sobriety. Every person I have seen start one has either left AA, relapsed, or worse.
Thank you for your post. It has helped me in more ways than one.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Originally Posted by Pagekeeper 
I miss my friend. Just today I was thinking how I wished I could see my friend again, just one more time, and tell this person how much I loved them.
I think, the love we carry in each of our hearts goes on forever.
Your friend was lucky to have a special person like you that, cared so much for them.
Never miss out on the chance to tell people you love them. Life is way too short
Somebody Loves You
When my children were young I used to read to them every evening before bed. One of their favorite stories was called, "Somebody Loves You Mr. Hatch." Mr. Hatch was a lonely man living a lonely life. He never smiled. He walked alone to work everyday and ate his lunch alone in a corner. He never talked to anyone on his way home either. In the evening he would buy a newspaper, read it after supper, and go to bed early.
His life changed, however, on Valentine’s Day when he got a heart shaped box in the mail full of candy and a note that said, "Somebody loves you." At first he couldn’t believe it but as he let the message sink in he began to laugh and dance around. That single message had opened his heart to the power of love. Soon he found himself sharing his smile and laughter with others. He became a joy at work and began to help out people in the neighborhood. As the days and weeks went by his laughter, smiles, kindness, caring, happiness and love touched the hearts of everyone in his community.
Later Mr. Hatch found out that the candy heart had been delivered to him by mistake. He felt crushed and began again to withdraw from the world. When his neighbors found out, however, they were determined not to lose the light he shared. They surprised him with a party and a huge banner that read: "Everybody Loves Mr. Hatch." Mr. Hatch cried when he realized that somebody loved him after all. Then he laughed, smiled, and rejoined his friends.
I think that we all have a tiny bit of Mr. Hatch in us. At times we all feel unloved and unlovable. Somebody does love us, though. God loves us. He loves us with a powerful, unconditional, and life-changing love and He wants us to love each other as well. It is what we are here for. It is what we were meant for. May the pages of your life story be full of love then.
~ Joseph J. Mazzella ~
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Page,
i'm sorry for such a loss of your dear friend. my thoughts are with you. i hope you have warmth filled days even through these troubled times. Your words about resentments and forgiveness are powerful, uplifting, and loving. You're a nice good person. Thank you for sharing so deeply of yourself.
Robby
i'm sorry for such a loss of your dear friend. my thoughts are with you. i hope you have warmth filled days even through these troubled times. Your words about resentments and forgiveness are powerful, uplifting, and loving. You're a nice good person. Thank you for sharing so deeply of yourself.
Robby
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
I am so sorry to hear that. It reminds me that 'the alcoholic who stills suffers' is not always the one out drinking, sometimes it is people already in the rooms.
One of my friends who took ages to get sober but now is like 6 years, tells this story about how this time round in recovery he was living with another member of AA (both of them about 1 year sober) and how he came home one day to find the guy had hung himself in their bathroom. He said he called the police, waited for them to turn up and then when they did, he just went to another meeting as he did not know what else to do.
Take it easy
One of my friends who took ages to get sober but now is like 6 years, tells this story about how this time round in recovery he was living with another member of AA (both of them about 1 year sober) and how he came home one day to find the guy had hung himself in their bathroom. He said he called the police, waited for them to turn up and then when they did, he just went to another meeting as he did not know what else to do.
Take it easy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 812
I also went to a meeting--the next day, though, because I found out at 11PM. I remember not wanting to go. I was afraid of everyone else's grief. This person was loved by everyone. I knew people would flock to me because of how close this person and I were, and when you're close to someone, they leave an imprint of themselves on your soul, and everyone in their grief wants to touch it, and when they do, it is painful.
But I went anyway, and what I discovered was that although painful, it is also healing to share grief. I wanted to be very selfish about my grief, and not allow anyone else to share it with me, but sharing it gave me relief. In the past few weeks, I have felt closer to my AA community than I ever have. So many people called to ask if they could help. So many stopped by my store and sat with me so I wouldn't be alone. I've never experienced such a feeling of true compassion from others. It's been a sad, beautiful experience.
But I went anyway, and what I discovered was that although painful, it is also healing to share grief. I wanted to be very selfish about my grief, and not allow anyone else to share it with me, but sharing it gave me relief. In the past few weeks, I have felt closer to my AA community than I ever have. So many people called to ask if they could help. So many stopped by my store and sat with me so I wouldn't be alone. I've never experienced such a feeling of true compassion from others. It's been a sad, beautiful experience.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
A sincere thank you for sharing about your friend.
Do you know what shines through your words? Love.
Your friend was well loved.
You are well loved.
I have been attending meetings for 15 months and I know many people. If something ever happened to one of them, it would break my heart. I do love these people. Your words helped me realize that the same love is also there for me, for all of us - even on those days when we don't love ourselves.
I am sorry for your loss. In my life, I have lost many good people. But you know, there comes a day when our grief ends and we are just so grateful for the privilege to share someones life even if it's only for a short period of time.
Take care of yourself.
Do you know what shines through your words? Love.
Your friend was well loved.
You are well loved.
I have been attending meetings for 15 months and I know many people. If something ever happened to one of them, it would break my heart. I do love these people. Your words helped me realize that the same love is also there for me, for all of us - even on those days when we don't love ourselves.
I am sorry for your loss. In my life, I have lost many good people. But you know, there comes a day when our grief ends and we are just so grateful for the privilege to share someones life even if it's only for a short period of time.
Take care of yourself.
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