shaun00

Sadly my sponsor is leaving town in the next month or two.

He has personal problems and has decided to move on.....we have seen little of each other for a while now while he works out some marriage "stuff".

We have been working together and good friends for a number of years now..and i have kept him busy for a good number of his 21 years sobriety.lol.

Very sad about it really.....for both of us....and i guess i feel "at sea" a little.
Feeling of fear if im honest....and i cant pinpoint why...

Anyway..i would like some feedback please...on sponsorship..

What would you look for in a new sponsor .........i am 8.5 years sober..
I have worked through the steps exactly as my sponsor did and his sponsor.
Through the book..

I have chaired meetings...established meetings.....done 12 step service.
made the tea......and sponsored a limited number.

I study the big book and 12X12 at least twice a week.....pray often.
And have a solid christian faith..

I am toatally content in my sobriety and contented with "life" most days.

Do you consider regular contact with a sponsor is still vital?

Do you consider on line sponsorship a valid route?

If so....what to look for in a on line sponsor?

Its a ramble i know.......i dont feel great about it all at the moment.

Like a little boy abandoned by his dad would sum it up.....

Yeah that may be it...since i didnt really have a father figure..

I guess he became the male to look up too all these years..

Blah blah...live in the solution shaun..

So im asking for some feedback.......thankyou in advance.

trucker

Taking5

I don't have the length of sobriety you do, but here is a true story you may relate to. I have a man in my home group whose sponsor died last year, and he was looking for a new one. He had 33 years of sobriety. That was an eye opener for this "newcomer".

jimhere

My first sponsor drank when I was almost eleven years sober. For the past seven years I haven't had what most would call a sponsor.

I've stayed involved in the process, mostly through working with others, because when they are doing the steps so am I. Several times I've went to some one whom I respect and had them take me through the steps.

I have mixed feelings about online sponsorship. I sponsor a couple of men online, but these guys are already solid in there recovery, and what we really do is swap inventory and bounce considerations off of one another.
Jim

I think it depends on where you are at in your sobriety. How is your prayer life? Are you active in sponsoring other men through the steps. How about regular inventory beyond 10 & 11?

Freedom1990

I have no words of wisdom for you. I've had the same sponsor for 17 years now. I try real hard to stay in the moment and not think 'what if'. I do understand your fear and feeling 'at sea'. :ghug

Tommyh

trucker,here is a true story of what happened to me
my second sponsor died of cancer about 4 years ago.We had a good working relationship for some years.I really missed him.I started looking around for a replacement...just like him...several months went by..no luck...I went to a State Assembly,saw a old timer I knew and sat down and ran all this by him
here is his story
he has had 2 sponsors die,and he found himself looking for a sponsor just like the one who died.Impossible.....no two people are excally alike.He finally just went and asked this other old timer to sponsor him....I then realized I was doing the same,I was looking for a guy excally like my second sponsor.I went home from the assembly and went to my home groups oldest member and asked him.He still sponsors me today

so,with all that said,you may try and find a guy just like your other sponsor,but there ain`t one like him,we all are different...online stuff ain`t too good far as I am concerned ,but online sponsorship is good for service sponsors,and good friends to help out.I believe we all need someone f2f,eyeball to eyeball to talk with

navysteve

Trucker,
Here is my experience on the subject:

When I was 5 years sober I joined the Navy. I got stationed far away in another time zone. I kept calling my sponsor back in Baltimore until that got old. Then I looked around and decided that I did not want to get a new sponsor because I was transferring soon. Long story short, I ended up sitting in a bar at 12 years sober contemplating s drink. I don't fool myself about this, it wasn't because I didn't have a sponsor that I ended up there. I became disconnected from AA, but a sponsor is a great way to stay connected.It is one of many tools we have. My sobriety is not contingent upon any other human presence in my life, but that presence is a great asset for me, it is ongoing 12th step work.I have to remember that when I ask him for guidance I am helping him in his journey. He gets to give back what was given to him. The nature of a sponsorship relationship however should change since you are well grounded in sobriety. What I have found is that I see my sponsor as simply another man in AA. I do not idolize him as so many do their sponsors. He is my friend first, my sponsor second.

Dime

I have only have sixteen months of sobriety but I would like to share my perspective on f2f Sponsorship. I find that communication in person with my Sponsor to be very effective. Many times my words fall short of what I am really trying to say and my Sponsor can read me so well. My voice infliction, body language, etc., often say more than my words. My Sponsor always seems to know what I really mean even if my words are not right by being f2f. It has saved me many times when I was confused, really needed help and didn't really know what was bothering me. It is very common to tell new Sponsee's not to text message for this reason and to only use the phone for communication and I also tell my Sponsee's this. I also recommend that they try to obtain Sponsorship in a local club that they frequent. I believe it improves the odds for them.

This online resource is a valuable and powerful recovery tool but personally I believe f2f Sponsorship would not be effective for me.

RufusACanal

One of my favorite paragraphs in the Big Book is the opening to Chapter Seven;

"Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure your own immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other spiritual activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail. Remember they are fatally ill."


Maybe this is the turning point of moving away from the focus of you and enlarging your service to the newcomer. There are many men and women who are progressed to the point where you now stand and they either continue to grow or they go. Your Sponsor mentored you for years in the preparation for this day; have faith. You are not abandoned; many are ready and willing to fill the gaps whether with the title of Sponsor or simply friend. The courage you found to get to this point can see you through this transition. A friend of mine here reminds me that the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is a guide to Sponsorship. My suggestion is to get to work helping others; let God handle the rest!

Good thread, thank you!

Music

Hey trucker,
I've been sober for 32 years. I still have a sponsor who has less time than I do but that's not important. The important thing is that I have a sponsor, pure and simple. You know what to look for in a sponsor. I suspect your discomfort is comes from having to ask someone else, which is and has been a discomfort for me. I guess I still have a little of that fear of being rejected. I have a sponsor, not necessarily because I "need" one, 'cuase we're more buddies than sponsor/pigeon. I know he's there and will drop everything if I need to talk. That's the unique thing with having a sponsor; that security of knowing he's there.

Sponsors come and go sometimes so just keep moving forward and be grateful you had the sponsor you had. Apparently he was a positive force in your sobriety, as will be the next sponsor.

nelco

I agree with steve here. I have a sponser almost 11 years, but I also have strong sober members who are friends. We often help each other.If your not afraid to ask for help then you will be ok. We are as sick as our secrets I believe, so just make sure you share whats really going on with someone you trust, My sponser has been travelling a lot since retirement so I am not in touch as often as before. I really think sponsership is vital in early recovery but at the stage you are at .... friendship and working with new members are as important. ancor group also vital part of my recovery. If I miss a week at my ancor group, people call to see am I ok.

DaveBB164

I have had the same sponsor since the last time I got sober nearly 9 years ago, firstly he took me through the process of the steps in a sponsor/protege relationship, due to the intimacy of the steps we got to know a lot about each other and understand each other on a level only two alcoholics can, from that developed a friendship which has continued and never diminished,

I moved away from the area I lived and got sober in 7 years ago but my relationship with my sponsor has not changed, its kind of a two way thing, we exchange inventory and bounce things off each other over the phone,

I don't put my sponsor on a pedestal or anything like that but due to the quality of sobriety in my area I would have to consider on line sponsorship if anything happened to him, if it was not for on line AA I would be struggling to get good solid guys around me,

for me I agree with Jim it depends where you are in your sobriety.

Sugah

About a year or so ago, my husband was in the same boat. He'd taken the steps, sponsored others, done quite a bit of service work, etc. He finally settled on a fellow with sixteen years sober, and when he approached him, the fellow said, "I was going to ask you to sponsor me." After discussing it for some time, they decided to become "co-adventurers." Now, I'm not privy to all that goes on between them, but what I do know shows me they're not doing any co-signing of the others stuff. It's working for them.

I have the same primary sponsor I've had since I was two days out of rehab, and now she's got two babies at home and works a lot of long hours besides. Rather than change sponsors, I've built a strong network of women who work a good program and whom I know will be honest with me.. And I make certain I don't hop from one to the other until I find the answer I'm looking for.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

shaun00

All replys have helped me focus and i know what i need to do..

Thankyou all kindly for taking the time to put in some feedback..

And god be with you all..................trucker

Ago

I keep ending up with the same sponsor

What I mean by that, is I had my last sponsor for seven years, I had asked all these @ss kicking take no prisoner types and they were all too busy, you know the "Big Dogs" with a gazillion years of sobriety that could pluck a fly out of the air with their chopsticks

I ended up asking a guy and it turned out I was his first sponsee, he had seven years at the time, and I had dragged him around meetings his first year (i didn't even recognize/remember him he looked so different)

I had, at that time probably a dozen (former) sponsees with more time then him. Turned out I knew quite a bit more about sponsorship then he did.

He was incredibly kind and loving, very supportive, and the funny thing is I probably ended up being much more honest with him then I would have been with a guy that "kicked my @ss", first, lying to him would have been too easy, plus it would have been like kicking a kitten or something.

He was so "safe" that stuff just poured out of me.

Because he didn't "kick my @ss" properly I went to one of the local Yoda's and poured out my tale of woe, about how I had more experience blah blah, well the Yoda kicked my @ss and explained I should probably stop being so stupid and selfish, that we things to offer to each other, he had things I needed, and I had experience that would benefit him.

He said God had a plan for me and that there was a reason I was in this man's life, and he was in mine. It was true, he taught me so much about "loving kindness" it was incredible, he taught me how not to be such an uptight pr1ck.

That was an incredibly fruitful relationship, he moved to Mexico however, and we drifted apart.

A year or two later I found myself in need of a sponsor, and went around again looking for someone who would "call me on my BS" and "kick my @ss"

I was probably turned down by 20 guys.....again......I do go for "the heavies" (because I am that important) but they were all too busy.

There was a guy there, a school teacher, seemed pretty hardcore, had 20 sumpin years, I've seen him around for quite a few years.....

We met the first time, he asked me what was going on (BIG mistake I was a mess) and 3 hours later when I paused to take a breath he practically shouted at me "STOP!!! Write this down....This sh1t has gotta stop. Then write down all of the reasons this sh1t has gotta stop" (I was wrapped up in my story see?) and that exercise made me change my perspective, it took me from being a victim to start taking responsibility for my own recovery.

Since then we meet once a week (for the most part) and read out of the book and take the steps as we come to them.....

The weird thing?

The guy is all kind and loving, he's INCREDIBLY supportive, I tell him of some STUPID sh1t I do, and wait for the @ss chew...it doesn't come, so I'll ask, where's my @ss chew? He just says, well, you aren't done with that behavior, you'll stop when it hurts enough.

He makes my recovery and my behavior my responsibility.

B@stard....

His old grandsponsor was my old grandsponsor, we both "sat at this guys knee" for many years (Irv got sober during WWII and was "nothing nice" if you behaved stupidly)

Anyhow, I now find myself with another "loving kindness" style of sponsor despite my best efforts to find someone to yell at me.

Maybe God knows what I need better then I know myself.

Anyhow, after a period of time, in my experience, the sponsor/sponsee relationship becomes much more lateral, and we become "co-sponsors" exactly the same as Sugah's husbands experience.

Good luck in your search