Making friends in AA
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
Making friends in AA
I have met a lot of people in AA but the people I seem drawn to more than others seem to be a bit messed up - more so than others.
I know that when it comes to men, I will be drawn to the 'sickest' man in the place and over the years have learned to avoid acting on any kind of attraction I have in that way (hence I haven't had a relationship in years lol). However, when it comes to choose friends, won't I be drawn to messed up people as well?
My last sponsor was seriously messed up but I didn't recognise that for a while. Someone else pointed out that as we are sick when we come into the rooms, our choices are likely to be sick as well and hence it's no surprise if our first few sponsors don't work out.
It's hard to know who to be friends with and who to just be polite to. I don't know how to tell who is a healthy person to spend time with and form a connection with and who isn't. Any tips?
I know that when it comes to men, I will be drawn to the 'sickest' man in the place and over the years have learned to avoid acting on any kind of attraction I have in that way (hence I haven't had a relationship in years lol). However, when it comes to choose friends, won't I be drawn to messed up people as well?
My last sponsor was seriously messed up but I didn't recognise that for a while. Someone else pointed out that as we are sick when we come into the rooms, our choices are likely to be sick as well and hence it's no surprise if our first few sponsors don't work out.
It's hard to know who to be friends with and who to just be polite to. I don't know how to tell who is a healthy person to spend time with and form a connection with and who isn't. Any tips?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Yep, start out with the Women's Meetings. Watch and listen both during the meetings and the conversations before and after.
You will be amazed at how quickly you will find some ladies that do have what you think you want..............ie...................peace, serenity, a calmness about them, a smile that goes to their eyes, a belly laugh, etc
By all means stay away from the men for now. Stick with the women, and literally 'stick with the winners.' Well, you say who are the winners, as stated above, you will know in your gut, no it's not just the length of sobriety, it is the quality of sobriety.
Are they living in all facets of their life, work, home, ,meetings, volunteer work or whatever, you will see it.
As much as I didn't want to be around women when I first got to recovery, it was the women who saved my azz and talked to me the way a 'dutch uncle' woul;d, and told me the truth. They didn't want anything from me (I had nothing). They freely gave of what they had found in the hopes that I could find it too.
Hope that helps.
Love and hugs,
You will be amazed at how quickly you will find some ladies that do have what you think you want..............ie...................peace, serenity, a calmness about them, a smile that goes to their eyes, a belly laugh, etc
By all means stay away from the men for now. Stick with the women, and literally 'stick with the winners.' Well, you say who are the winners, as stated above, you will know in your gut, no it's not just the length of sobriety, it is the quality of sobriety.
Are they living in all facets of their life, work, home, ,meetings, volunteer work or whatever, you will see it.
As much as I didn't want to be around women when I first got to recovery, it was the women who saved my azz and talked to me the way a 'dutch uncle' woul;d, and told me the truth. They didn't want anything from me (I had nothing). They freely gave of what they had found in the hopes that I could find it too.
Hope that helps.
Love and hugs,
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I've had 3 home group since I started AA.
From D.C. to Fl. to Ga.
From city...to town...to village AA...
As I was single...I found a home group full of other singles.
They had many social activities and I atended them all.
We did what I think of as "AA dating"
meaning in a group we did all sorts of outside things.
No pairing off that I was aware of.
The other 2 are less social. To make new friends...I
went 15 minutes early...to help set up the room.
By staying after the meeting...I could ask another woman for coffee.
...Usually there is a place where AA members hang out after
and it's good to meet members from other groups too.
What I look for in AA friends?
Laughter...No gossip or bashing oters....Serenity
They look directly at you when speaking.
I have friends of both genders...I perfer to not have
a sexual partner. I took a "man break" in early
sobriety and decided to stay that way.
Hope this helps...
From D.C. to Fl. to Ga.
From city...to town...to village AA...
As I was single...I found a home group full of other singles.
They had many social activities and I atended them all.
We did what I think of as "AA dating"
meaning in a group we did all sorts of outside things.
No pairing off that I was aware of.
The other 2 are less social. To make new friends...I
went 15 minutes early...to help set up the room.
By staying after the meeting...I could ask another woman for coffee.
...Usually there is a place where AA members hang out afterand it's good to meet members from other groups too.
What I look for in AA friends?
Laughter...No gossip or bashing oters....Serenity
They look directly at you when speaking.
I have friends of both genders...I perfer to not have
a sexual partner. I took a "man break" in early
sobriety and decided to stay that way.
Hope this helps...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
I tend to make new friends quite easily and sometimes too quickly. Some of the people I've become close to seem to be pretty toxic now that I have gotten to know them. Is there a way I can tell if they are healthy/functional before I get too friendly with them?
To be clear, I'm not looking for social activity, just to connect with like-minded people in recovery so we can support each other through going to meetings together and calling each other.
I just seem to end up with the toxic weirdos!
To be clear, I'm not looking for social activity, just to connect with like-minded people in recovery so we can support each other through going to meetings together and calling each other.
I just seem to end up with the toxic weirdos!
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
Toxic weirdos. Hmm, I guess that would be me. I am a Alcoholic. I have mental illness. I am a convict. I am a thief. I am a liar. I was a destroyer of dreams.
A pastor friend of mine in Hollywood FL, answered my question of why the need for churches, some years ago. Churches he said, are hospitals for the spiritually sick and his role as a pastor was to bring healing to those in need. Is not a meeting of Alcoholics much the same, a place for the sick to get heal?
"This is the how and why of it. First of all, quit playing God yourself. It doesn't work. Next, decide that hereafter in this drama of life, God is going to by your Director. He is the Principal; you are to be His agent. He is the Father, and you are His child. Get that simple relationship straight."
A pastor friend of mine in Hollywood FL, answered my question of why the need for churches, some years ago. Churches he said, are hospitals for the spiritually sick and his role as a pastor was to bring healing to those in need. Is not a meeting of Alcoholics much the same, a place for the sick to get heal?
"This is the how and why of it. First of all, quit playing God yourself. It doesn't work. Next, decide that hereafter in this drama of life, God is going to by your Director. He is the Principal; you are to be His agent. He is the Father, and you are His child. Get that simple relationship straight."
Last edited by CarolD; 02-16-2009 at 08:09 PM. Reason: By Request
Living in sobriety
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 3,870
not really sure what you mean by ""toxic weirdo "tigerlilli, could you give example?? so I can see if I am one or not lol ...Maybe try bb book study groups too..
Last edited by nelco; 02-15-2009 at 06:40 AM. Reason: sp.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by TigerLili 
I tend to make new friends quite easily and sometimes too quickly. Some of the people I've become close to seem to be pretty toxic now that I have gotten to know them. Is there a way I can tell if they are healthy/functional before I get too friendly with them?
To be clear, I'm not looking for social activity, just to connect with like-minded people in recovery so we can support each other through going to meetings together and calling each other.
I just seem to end up with the toxic weirdos!
To be clear, I'm not looking for social activity, just to connect with like-minded people in recovery so we can support each other through going to meetings together and calling each other.
I just seem to end up with the toxic weirdos!
me
The other thing I noticed is I would like them for awhile, then I'd start noticing I didn't like them any more....they seemed to get...."sick"...
It took me awhile to realize that what was happening was I picking people at my level at that time and then since I was "doing" the program, I was changing, I was "getting better", it wasn't them "getting sick" it was me "getting better".
The Saying "stick with the winners" is a good one, they are the ones that actually "do the deal", and get easier and easier to spot.
Find people who have what you want, then go where they go and do what they do.
That group of people changes as time goes by...eventually your support group evolves out of doing that.
Another thing is I started learning about boundaries...
there is no such thing as instant intimacy...it appears you are beginning to learn that.
Take note...it's a VERY important lesson.
Alcoholics tend to just jump into things a bit fast.
I spoke the other night at a meeting, and afterwards went to dinner with a group of women who were Gay and were all with their partners.
The big joke at the table with them is every single couple had moved in with each other within two weeks
I finally cleared my throat, raised my hand...and said, "I have a question....I couldn't help but listen.....you know how yall have all moved in with each other within two weeks of meeting each other?"
They all nodded...staring at me intently....
"What took you so long?"
Pandemonium
They have now adopted me
It's the truth though...Alcoholics have no boundaries, this is where we learn to have boundaries in a healthy way.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
Toxic weirdo example:
Woman A seems to be pretty nice and good company most of the time but suddenly decides she is powerless over her behavior and that means she can behave anyway she wants. At a meeting, Woman B asked A to pass her something and A just got up in her face and screamed ''No!" at her in such an aggressive and obnoxious way that B shook and cried for 20 minutes. That is toxic, weird behavior to me and I don't want to be around someone who deliberately behaves like that.
Woman A seems to be pretty nice and good company most of the time but suddenly decides she is powerless over her behavior and that means she can behave anyway she wants. At a meeting, Woman B asked A to pass her something and A just got up in her face and screamed ''No!" at her in such an aggressive and obnoxious way that B shook and cried for 20 minutes. That is toxic, weird behavior to me and I don't want to be around someone who deliberately behaves like that.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
Originally Posted by Ago
The Saying "stick with the winners" is a good one, they are the ones that actually "do the deal", and get easier and easier to spot.
Find people who have what you want, then go where they go and do what they do.
That group of people changes as time goes by...eventually your support group evolves out of doing that.
Find people who have what you want, then go where they go and do what they do.
That group of people changes as time goes by...eventually your support group evolves out of doing that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
Originally Posted by RufusACanal
Toxic weirdos. Hmm, I guess that would be me. I am a Alcoholic. I have mental illness. I am a convict. I was an atheist. I am a thief. I am a liar. I was a destroyer of dreams.
Living in sobriety
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 3,870
Thanks for clarifing that tigerlilli...I run a mile from people like that, I also have a past and I try not to drag it into my present. The steps help me with that. working on defects etc. When i started my journey in aa and recovery I was drawn to people who were not working their programme too, but as time went on and I started changing so did my choice of AA goers. and even groups. At the beginning I listened to what they said and how they quoted the bb etc now I watch their behaviour and how their home life is etc. I discovered there is a huge difference between the ones that talk the talk and the ones that walk the walk......and its not always about length of time either. That is my experience tigerlilli, hope it helps a little.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
doorknob - I guess you can choose to misunderstand my posts and mock me for it (aka your tagline) but I think it pretty much sucks to do that when I am coming here for help and advice and trying to find my feet in recovery. Good luck to you.
Rufus - I am not trying to have an argument with you, just to clarify things. I find it hard to communicate what I want to say in writing. I appreciate your responses.
Rufus - I am not trying to have an argument with you, just to clarify things. I find it hard to communicate what I want to say in writing. I appreciate your responses.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
[QUOTE=nelco;2110408]At the beginning I listened to what they said and how they quoted the bb etc now I watch their behaviour and how their home life is etc. [QUOTE]
Good advice. Thanks Nelco.
Good advice. Thanks Nelco.
Knucklehead
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Davenport, WA
Posts: 4,005
Originally Posted by TigerLili
doorknob - I guess you can choose to misunderstand my posts and mock me for it (aka your tagline) but I think it pretty much sucks to do that when I am coming here for help and advice and trying to find my feet in recovery. Good luck to you.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Seems, you were able to assess the fact, your sponsor was messed up.
Long term sobriety doesn't always mean serenity or sanity sad to say.
However, sit and listen to people before and after the meetings. Are they doing lip service thru the meeting and talking b.s. before and after a meeting?
A person that's really working the program only has your best interest at heart not what they can get from you or, what you can do for them.
I find myself wanting the people I've become friends with in the program to do as well or, even better then me.
This is a pay it forward program. Sadly, too many people don't grasp this concept
Long term sobriety doesn't always mean serenity or sanity sad to say.
However, sit and listen to people before and after the meetings. Are they doing lip service thru the meeting and talking b.s. before and after a meeting?
A person that's really working the program only has your best interest at heart not what they can get from you or, what you can do for them.
I find myself wanting the people I've become friends with in the program to do as well or, even better then me.
This is a pay it forward program. Sadly, too many people don't grasp this concept
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