outonalimb

Can I please pose a question as a concerned mom?
My exah is a drug addict...a very high functioning drug addict but a drug addict nonetheless. I divorced him this past year and am really trying to make my life and the life of our 7 yr old son as normal as I can.

I have a recurring issue...and its how to best deal with holidays...

My son still identifies his family as being made up of me, his dad (my ex) and his 1/2 sister (exah's daughter from a prior marriage). In fact, when exah and I were married, we WERE a family. We were a picture perfect family celebrating all of the holidays together and created alot of family traditions surrounding the holidays. (I managed to hide the insanity of addiction from my son pretty darn well while exah and I were still married).

Now that exah and I are divorced, I don't know how best to handle the holidays.

for example...sunday is Easter. Usually, we colored eggs together on Sat night and left a plate of lettuce and carrots sitting out for the easter bunny. In the morning, my exah and I would scatter the lettuce and carrots all over the back yard and hide the eggs. In the morning, the kids looked for their eggs and baskets and laughed about what a mess the easter bunny left in our yard. Its a tradition.

Exah wants to come over on Sat and do what we usually do. I have concerns about whether its the right thing to do. First of all, I don't want the kids to get the false impression that their dad and I are ever going to reconcile. It will NEVER happen. Will I be confusing the kids to let their dad stay overnight and participate in these activities? (Exah would HAVE to stay the night if he is going to be there in the morning because he doesn't have a car...or a job...or a place to live...which is a whole other story). but the idea of having him leave at night and come back early in the morning isn't going to work.

Or, is it better to let my son see that our family isn't the same...that holidays won't always be the same...and that its okay...that he and I can create our own 'traditions' for the holiday. I know my son will be sad if his sister and dad aren't there to celebrate Easter like usual but it seems like he's going to have to learn this lesson sooner or later.

Do any of you have any ideas?
I just want my son to be happy.
I know having exah and his sister over would make him happy...but am I painting a false picture for him? or just letting him experience innocent holiday traditions while he still can? I really dont know what to do... Any ideas?

DesertEyes

Hi there Out, sorry to hear you're having all this stress in your life. I think it's awesome that you are so concerned about your son. Mom's like you are hard to find. I got a couple questions for your that I'm not clear about.

You say that you want to make the life of your son as normal as you can. That sounds to me like you are in some way the cause of your exah behavior. Since _he_ is the one who's behavior was unacceptable, isn't _he_ the reason you and your family have a slightly abnormal life.

How long are you going to pretend that you have not divorced in order to protect your son? How long will you try to create the illusion of a "perfect family" for him? Until he's 12 yrs old? Untill he's 20 yrs old?

I realize your son is only 7 yrs old, but is he truly that unaware of what's going on? Does he _really_ not know that exah is out of the house? If you try to have it both ways at the same time, having exah out of the house, but still be in the house for your son, won't that be _more_ crazy making to your son?

Whadya think?

Mike :-)
p.s. You might get a whole lot more Moms giving their opinion over in the "Friends and Family" forum.

outonalimb

Mike,

Thanks for you input. You make some VERY valid points.

My son knows that his dad and I are divorced. He also knows that its because his dad has a problem with drugs. Son has never seen the erratic behavior...in son's eyes...dad is a great dad. I think son still hopes that dad will stop using drugs and that our family will be a family again. I haven't had the heart to tell him it will never happen but maybe thats where I'm wrong in all of this.

I can get along with exah for limited periods of time. The only way our son gets to see exah is under my watch because exah has no home, no car, no job...There is no possiblity (at least for now) of 'normal visitation'. So if my son is going to see his dad, its got to be on my time, on my turf. I manage to get along with exah during these limited visits because there is no point in fighting about anything. I"m just afraid that this whole set up has caused my son to think things are normal (or going to be normal again some day) when in fact they aren't.

I've been thinking about this since I posted. I think its time to bite the bullet and try and create holiday traditions with just my son and I. Its sad, really, that we can't have 'normal, happy holidays' like we used to but thats the reality of addiction. This is the very thing I wanted so badly to spare my son from but obviously, I can't and its time to be more realistic with son about the affects of divorce in our life.

sheesh, I hate addiction.

I hate navigating all of these land mines. There are always so many to navigate where addiction and children are concerned, aren't there?

Thanks again for your input.

DesertEyes

It's called "life". There's always more landmines just over the next hill. I'm glad they I get to navigate them, because the _way_ I navigate them shows my kids how to navigate theirs, when it becomes their turn to have their own family.

When our daughter was in her early 20's she went thru a really hard time. She was a single mom, barely making ends meet. She'd gotten in a bit of a depression, and was feeling very lonely and hopeless about ever meeting a guy. We sat down to talk about what she was looking for. I gave her the old advice about making a list, and about what she has to offer, and all the usual stuff we always tell our children.

Couple days later she comes up to me looking irritated. Waves her finger in my face just like her Mom does and says "You were wrong, I don't need to look for anybody to match my list, I just need to find a man that treats me the way you treat my Mom."

She did that just fine. Now she's got _four_ kids and is married to a great guy that treats her with respect and love.

I realized that day that it's not _what_ I do in life that makes a difference to my kids, it's _how_ I do it.

Mike :-)

outonalimb

Thank you so much Mike...your post brought tears to my eyes.

I get so caught up in the fact that I can't spare my son the pain of divorce..and this line of thinking gets me nowhere. I can't spare my son this heartache any more than I could stop my exah's drug addiction. It is what it is. Your post made me feel better because even though I haven't been able to spare him the heartache of a divorce, I have made every decision very carefully with my son's best interest at heart. I know I've made mistakes...but they've been made with love. And I guess thats all that really matters at the end of the day. Thanks for this reminder...I really needed it tonight.

GettingFree

Hi Outonalimb,

The description of your struggle to limit the pain for your son and give him as close to 'normal' as possible really resonated with me. I have 3 children and have been divorced -- twice. It was very difficult for me to feel my children's pain and challenges through the divorces and after. I was determined to do whatever I could to mitigate the negative experiences for them. I made mistakes and I learned. I learned that I couldn't make everything perfect for them and that caused me so much grief. I learned that I tried too hard to compensate for the things that weren't perfect and I hurt myself -- and ultimately them -- in the process. I eventually learned to see them as separate individuals from me, with their own challenges in life, their own lessons to learn, their own turn around the sun. And to support them in the best way I could, and love them, unconditionally.

For what it's worth, I think it might be confusing to your son to try and continue with the same traditions you developed during your marriage -- especially one that requires your ex to stay overnight. Children always harbor hope that their divorced parents will get back together, and my fear would be that you're sending mixed messages that make it much more difficult to adjust to a new sense of family that means mommy and daddy having separate lives.

I also think it's really difficult to hide from children the heavy emotional undercurrents that almost inevitably remain between divorced parents. Sometimes that comes out explicitly through harsh or bitter communication, sometimes it's all in what's not being communicated. It can become very wierd and potentially toxic to children to be witness to their divorced parents convoluted communication or non-communication.

Also, your needs are important here too. You do have a right now to do what is good for you and what feels best for you. How will you feel having your ex share in your celebration? If you were to visualize the event unfolding, would you feel more comfortable establishing a new tradition with just you and your son? Would you feel uncomfortable trying to trace the steps you followed before with your ex when you were still a couple? Would you feel comfortable with him staying over?

This is where understanding our own needs and developing good boundaries becomes vital to ourselves -- and to our children. Sometimes we can't avoid situations in which we feel uncomfortable. But in this situation you describe, there is choice, and I've learned that when I'm more grounded, present and comfortable, my children benefit far more and have a far more positive experirence than from a pretend-perfect situation I'm trying to fashion to meet a fantasy ideal in my head, but I'm not all there because I'm also managing very diffciult emotions or dynamics.

The most important message your child needs to hear, and internalize, is that mommy and daddy no longer live together, but they will never stop being your mommy or daddy or loving you.

best,
gf

outonalimb

(((gf)))

Thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate your insight as I can tell that you understand my struggle so very well. You hit the nail on the head...I don't want to send mixed signals to the children. They need to see the reality of the situation rather than just be told about it.

This whole ordeal has been so difficult because at each step of the way, I've tried to shield my son from the realities of his father's addiction. I can't do it. Its impossible. As sad as it is...and as much as I wish this weren't the reality of my son's life right now...it just is what is is. Maybe if I'd do a better job of accepting it for what it is, it would help my son to do the same.

I appreciate your help on this issue gf...
Thank you so much...