growing up
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: falls church, va
Posts: 113
growing up
it's so hard to explain to someone what it is like to watch someone for years, if not your entire life, kill themselves. To slowly watch them drink themselves stupid. To find that their cordenation is gone, their will to eat is gone, the ability to get up in the morning is gone, their ability to make you laugh or smile or even give you a simple f*cking hug is gone. Their ability to live a day without alcohol is gone. A day with just doing life's basics like doing laundry and taking a shower, is gone. Their ability to see the light at the end of the wine/beer/liquor tunnel is gone.
It's so sad being the an only child of an alcoholic. I have an incredibly small family. I am the only grandchild on either side of the family. I have no cousins, I have myself to rely on. At a very young age, children of alcoholics start learning strange coping behavior. At 3, my best friend was my cat. At 4, my cat, lady, would lick my tears at night. At 5, my mom's boyfriend threatened me with a butcher knife. Too young to know he was an alcoholic, I thought I did something wrong, when really I had just asked for a second helping after dinner. At 6, you have packed your bags at least ten times, have money saved up and a plan to take all your pets with you when you leave. At 7, you lock yourself in your room because you don't want to be yelled at or watch your mom and her new boyfriend fight, yell and scream at each other. At 8, you call an AA hotline sobbing hysterically to a stranger on the phone, asking them simiply....is my mom an alcoholic. At 8, you realize that your mom drinks everyday from the minute she gets off work to the minute she finally passes out. At 9, you have learned to check the food on the stove, gotta make sure mommy doesn't burn down the house. At 9, you already know that before you fall asleep to put a blanket on mommy because she fell asleep on the couch again. At 10, you wake up at 2am and 3am waiting for your mom or her drunk boyfriend to get home from the bar. At 11, you're angry and you fight with her everyday. At 12, you have "become" a woman. You call your mom from school to tell her the news and beg her to "please, please don't drink until we get home so you can talk to me about "becoming a woman". At 13, you're f*cking pissed and she'll be lucky if you're strong enough to make it through this alone. At 14, you are numb, you are starting to show signs of depression, you stay at friends houses as long as you can, and you start to wonder what drinking is like. Does it taste as good as she thinks, does it make you feel as good as she says? At 15, you're alone from friday until monday, so you're mom can go visit her boyfriend. You have learned how to take care of yourself and by the time 15 comes, you're a pro at it. Suddenly the drinking doesn't bother you anymore. At 16, you're drinking and smoking pot. You've learned to cope the only way you've ever been taught. You followed her lead. At 17, surprisingly you have been accepted to college. You applied to only one locally but four more out of state(only you know the true reason for wanting to get so far away). At 18, she makes you go to the local school, she "needs your help".
ETC ETC ETC....it goes on and on and on.....and no one, unless they have lived with, grew up with, or had a parent that is an alcoholic can understand the complete and total inner turmoil inside us.
thanks for listening.
It's so sad being the an only child of an alcoholic. I have an incredibly small family. I am the only grandchild on either side of the family. I have no cousins, I have myself to rely on. At a very young age, children of alcoholics start learning strange coping behavior. At 3, my best friend was my cat. At 4, my cat, lady, would lick my tears at night. At 5, my mom's boyfriend threatened me with a butcher knife. Too young to know he was an alcoholic, I thought I did something wrong, when really I had just asked for a second helping after dinner. At 6, you have packed your bags at least ten times, have money saved up and a plan to take all your pets with you when you leave. At 7, you lock yourself in your room because you don't want to be yelled at or watch your mom and her new boyfriend fight, yell and scream at each other. At 8, you call an AA hotline sobbing hysterically to a stranger on the phone, asking them simiply....is my mom an alcoholic. At 8, you realize that your mom drinks everyday from the minute she gets off work to the minute she finally passes out. At 9, you have learned to check the food on the stove, gotta make sure mommy doesn't burn down the house. At 9, you already know that before you fall asleep to put a blanket on mommy because she fell asleep on the couch again. At 10, you wake up at 2am and 3am waiting for your mom or her drunk boyfriend to get home from the bar. At 11, you're angry and you fight with her everyday. At 12, you have "become" a woman. You call your mom from school to tell her the news and beg her to "please, please don't drink until we get home so you can talk to me about "becoming a woman". At 13, you're f*cking pissed and she'll be lucky if you're strong enough to make it through this alone. At 14, you are numb, you are starting to show signs of depression, you stay at friends houses as long as you can, and you start to wonder what drinking is like. Does it taste as good as she thinks, does it make you feel as good as she says? At 15, you're alone from friday until monday, so you're mom can go visit her boyfriend. You have learned how to take care of yourself and by the time 15 comes, you're a pro at it. Suddenly the drinking doesn't bother you anymore. At 16, you're drinking and smoking pot. You've learned to cope the only way you've ever been taught. You followed her lead. At 17, surprisingly you have been accepted to college. You applied to only one locally but four more out of state(only you know the true reason for wanting to get so far away). At 18, she makes you go to the local school, she "needs your help".
ETC ETC ETC....it goes on and on and on.....and no one, unless they have lived with, grew up with, or had a parent that is an alcoholic can understand the complete and total inner turmoil inside us.
thanks for listening.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Thanks for sharing.
You are right. No one understands that has not lived it. That is what the fellowships are based on. Being able to share and exchange ideas with people who have been there.
Welcome to SR!
((hugs))
You are right. No one understands that has not lived it. That is what the fellowships are based on. Being able to share and exchange ideas with people who have been there.
Welcome to SR!
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there jen,
We understand here, without you having to explain. My story is a lot like yours, 'cept I ran away when I was 12. What I find is the best thing about having a past like mine is that it's all past. Now I get to build my own life the way I want it. The tools of the 12 step programs allow me to build it "happy, joyous and free".
Thanx for sharing. I get easily wrapped up in my present day life and forget to be grateful for what my life is _not_.
Mike :-)
We understand here, without you having to explain. My story is a lot like yours, 'cept I ran away when I was 12. What I find is the best thing about having a past like mine is that it's all past. Now I get to build my own life the way I want it. The tools of the 12 step programs allow me to build it "happy, joyous and free".
Thanx for sharing. I get easily wrapped up in my present day life and forget to be grateful for what my life is _not_.
Mike :-)
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: la la land
Posts: 196
The thing is ..... it's not too late for you. You are already on to something and know the pattern you have to get away from. The "children of alcoholics" is the reason I am protecting my children from their father. I learn from you and you give me strength. I pray that you have a "NORMAL" life without so much hurt and pain. When its your time I hope if you decide to be a mother that you will be fantastic, you know what NOT to do. Good luck to you. Thanks for your story.
Freak, no Leash
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 50
Wow, I totally forgot that I ran away when I was little til I read this!
Once I 'ran away' to my godmother's house, who lived 3 houses away. She gave me soup and crackers, and then mom came and got me. Not sure why I was up there, I'll have to see if my mom remembers.
The other time, I truly took off. I put clothes into a paper bag, got on my bike, and I was gone. I don't know what happened to make me have to come back home.. if someone saw me or what, but when I got back home, first thing I got was a slap in the face from my mom. I think it was just because she was scared, and that was her first reaction - anger.
Yeah, we definitely have a deep understanding of each other without much being said. Beautiful in its sadness, really. Welcome, Jen..
Once I 'ran away' to my godmother's house, who lived 3 houses away. She gave me soup and crackers, and then mom came and got me. Not sure why I was up there, I'll have to see if my mom remembers.
The other time, I truly took off. I put clothes into a paper bag, got on my bike, and I was gone. I don't know what happened to make me have to come back home.. if someone saw me or what, but when I got back home, first thing I got was a slap in the face from my mom. I think it was just because she was scared, and that was her first reaction - anger.
Yeah, we definitely have a deep understanding of each other without much being said. Beautiful in its sadness, really. Welcome, Jen..
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