Resentment for my mother is growing, and I don’t want her around my children
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Join Date: Mar 2024
Posts: 1
Resentment for my mother is growing, and I don’t want her around my children
Hi everyone.
I’m new to the forum and have read around a lot of the threads, there’s some great information out there and it’s nice to know I’m not alone in my feelings.
My mum has drank alcohol since her divorce with my dad when I was 18months old. She also has anorexia so deals with some heavy mental illness.
She did her best to shield me from her drinking, but as I grew up I noticed it wasn’t normal. She never got violent, but I just knew she was always drunk. I can recall instances in my childhood where she was blackout drunk and other family members having to step it. There are also a lot of feelings around being the parent of the parent… I do go to therapy currently for my feelings.
I’m now 28, in a long term relationship myself with two young boys (2 and 6). I have a full time career as a solicitor (I am in the UK). I’ve come to realise that I need to step in and speak up. Now I’ve come to terms with how her alcoholism has effected me, it’s starting to grate on me now. I no longer have the patience for it and I don’t want it around my children.
We have never spoken outwardly about it, aside from once when my step dad wasn’t there and she wanted to take the boys for a drive. I said absolutely not and took them home.
I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get out of this post apart from some support and courage to actually have this incredibly awkward conversation with my mum. I don’t want to give the ultimatum of “if you don’t stop you can’t see the kids” but I do have to draw a line somewhere. I’ve been psyching myself up for over a year now knowing I need to talk to her.
I’m new to the forum and have read around a lot of the threads, there’s some great information out there and it’s nice to know I’m not alone in my feelings.
My mum has drank alcohol since her divorce with my dad when I was 18months old. She also has anorexia so deals with some heavy mental illness.
She did her best to shield me from her drinking, but as I grew up I noticed it wasn’t normal. She never got violent, but I just knew she was always drunk. I can recall instances in my childhood where she was blackout drunk and other family members having to step it. There are also a lot of feelings around being the parent of the parent… I do go to therapy currently for my feelings.
I’m now 28, in a long term relationship myself with two young boys (2 and 6). I have a full time career as a solicitor (I am in the UK). I’ve come to realise that I need to step in and speak up. Now I’ve come to terms with how her alcoholism has effected me, it’s starting to grate on me now. I no longer have the patience for it and I don’t want it around my children.
We have never spoken outwardly about it, aside from once when my step dad wasn’t there and she wanted to take the boys for a drive. I said absolutely not and took them home.
I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get out of this post apart from some support and courage to actually have this incredibly awkward conversation with my mum. I don’t want to give the ultimatum of “if you don’t stop you can’t see the kids” but I do have to draw a line somewhere. I’ve been psyching myself up for over a year now knowing I need to talk to her.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,460
Hi and welcome LoneWolf 
yes, its going to be a tough conversation but, as you say, a necessary one.
I would probably not phrase it as an ultimatium - something like I do not want you drinking around the kids at any time or at any opportunity.
If she breaks that boundary, let the consequences unfold.
D
yes, its going to be a tough conversation but, as you say, a necessary one.
I would probably not phrase it as an ultimatium - something like I do not want you drinking around the kids at any time or at any opportunity.
If she breaks that boundary, let the consequences unfold.
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2024
Posts: 3
Look after yourself
Hi LonelyWolf,
I am sorry you are in this situation while you are also raising young children.
I have a very similar situation with both my parents, when my kids were babies I had to set some boundaries.
I have learned that I was so accepting of their behaviour for all my life that after a certain point I just couldn't anymore. I then decided to go no contact for the time being because I needed my energy for my children. I certainly don't want all the drama around them.
I have also learned that you don't need to explain and they don't need to agree or understand if you want some distance. You can just decide that at any time. I was also worried about another conversation or confrontation and the reaction I would once more get, after all the times I already tried to have an honest conversation.
I wish you all the best, look after yourself and your family!
I am sorry you are in this situation while you are also raising young children.
I have a very similar situation with both my parents, when my kids were babies I had to set some boundaries.
I have learned that I was so accepting of their behaviour for all my life that after a certain point I just couldn't anymore. I then decided to go no contact for the time being because I needed my energy for my children. I certainly don't want all the drama around them.
I have also learned that you don't need to explain and they don't need to agree or understand if you want some distance. You can just decide that at any time. I was also worried about another conversation or confrontation and the reaction I would once more get, after all the times I already tried to have an honest conversation.
I wish you all the best, look after yourself and your family!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Hi Lonelywolf!
I can tell you what I did, once I had a child (my Father was an alcoholic). He could not drink around them, simple as that. Drinking, then no visit.
Eventually I set a boundary that I wouldn't talk to him (on the phone) if he called and was drunk. I would just say, call back when you are sober.
It can seem harsh to the outside world I suppose, I also suppose I just don't care! We have to put our children first and alcohol and kids do not mix, as you know so well.
It doesn't even require a big conversation really. Just set your boundaries and stick to them. As they are boundaries, the onus isn't on her to do anything at all, except not drink around you all (her choice).
My Father didn't drink around them and he stopped calling drunk, so it did work out in my situation, I hope it does in yours as well.
I can tell you what I did, once I had a child (my Father was an alcoholic). He could not drink around them, simple as that. Drinking, then no visit.
Eventually I set a boundary that I wouldn't talk to him (on the phone) if he called and was drunk. I would just say, call back when you are sober.
It can seem harsh to the outside world I suppose, I also suppose I just don't care! We have to put our children first and alcohol and kids do not mix, as you know so well.
It doesn't even require a big conversation really. Just set your boundaries and stick to them. As they are boundaries, the onus isn't on her to do anything at all, except not drink around you all (her choice).
My Father didn't drink around them and he stopped calling drunk, so it did work out in my situation, I hope it does in yours as well.
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