Relationships with Adult Siblings
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Relationships with Adult Siblings
I know my relationship with my three adult siblings is non-existent. I was very much the Scapegoat (despite living a very straight and narrow life, being involved in school activities, on the honor roll, working throughout high school, etc). I remained that despite earning a college degree, raising a family of good kids, taking them to church, and holding a part-time job while I did all that, using my degree and making good money for part time work. I remained the Scapegoat until my early 40s when I said enough, we change the dynamics or we're done. Nobody was interested in changing the dynamics.
Hence, I have had no relationship with my siblings for years.
My guess is that most siblings in alcoholic families have issues even as adults. What is yours like with your siblings?
Hence, I have had no relationship with my siblings for years.
My guess is that most siblings in alcoholic families have issues even as adults. What is yours like with your siblings?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: SF Bay Area, CA
Posts: 33,523
I have very similar issues with my sisters. I am completely estranged from my sister who has my niece and 3 nephews, all beloved to me, but she tries to keep them away from me. She is a horrible person. The other one is just barely better. My mom has been very very sick for a long time. i moved in with her to help her, she can't be alone. I do not get one iota of help from either of them. I, too, am the family scapegoat, Cinderella without the Prince! My mom totally favors the one I don't speak to and she treats me like ****, the one who helps her. I have the most sick, dysfunctional, hateful family I've practically ever heard of. My estranged sister is a full blown abusive alchie and drug addict and the other one is an LCSW with a closet drinking problem. I have no use for them. Once my mom passes and we sell her assets I'm moving far away from them and have no intention of having anything to do with them. Ever.
I'm so sorry your going through this. I totally, I think, understand. My adult siblings are not to be messed with in my case.
Good luck to you.
I'm so sorry your going through this. I totally, I think, understand. My adult siblings are not to be messed with in my case.
Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I love my siblings, but our relationships are not as close as I wish they were. There are a lot of factors there.
I am the youngest by seven years. My two older siblings are close in age. Apparently, my mother's drinking was not as well hidden from them as it was from me. They put her to bed a lot. Along with my father, they protected me from seeing it. There was resentment there about how much I was spared. But they had each other. When they left home for school, and never returned, I was left alone with my alcoholic mother and codependent father, and had no ally in the dynamics. And also, I just thought it was normal. I didn't know my mom was an alcholic until my sister told me when I was 19.
We all live far apart. I detached from the dysfunction long before they did, and there is resentment over that as well.
It's too bad because I really feel like they are the only two people in the world who can possibly really understand me. But alcoholism did what it does to our family just like it does to many others--it separated us, isolated us, triangulated us, and made us feel like we weren't worthy of love or healthy relationships. I made my recovery journey without them. I suppose that was inevitable. But the older I get, the more I want to be closer to them. Our parents have both passed, and there has been some healing, but there are some foundational sibling-things missing that I don't know if we can recover. Feels like we missed the window. I don't know. I remain hopeful, and I'm grateful that the times when we let our resentments possess us are few and far between.
I am the youngest by seven years. My two older siblings are close in age. Apparently, my mother's drinking was not as well hidden from them as it was from me. They put her to bed a lot. Along with my father, they protected me from seeing it. There was resentment there about how much I was spared. But they had each other. When they left home for school, and never returned, I was left alone with my alcoholic mother and codependent father, and had no ally in the dynamics. And also, I just thought it was normal. I didn't know my mom was an alcholic until my sister told me when I was 19.
We all live far apart. I detached from the dysfunction long before they did, and there is resentment over that as well.
It's too bad because I really feel like they are the only two people in the world who can possibly really understand me. But alcoholism did what it does to our family just like it does to many others--it separated us, isolated us, triangulated us, and made us feel like we weren't worthy of love or healthy relationships. I made my recovery journey without them. I suppose that was inevitable. But the older I get, the more I want to be closer to them. Our parents have both passed, and there has been some healing, but there are some foundational sibling-things missing that I don't know if we can recover. Feels like we missed the window. I don't know. I remain hopeful, and I'm grateful that the times when we let our resentments possess us are few and far between.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: SF Bay Area, CA
Posts: 33,523
SparkleKitty, it makes me feel badly too. It's not my choice. A situation I was born into but I'm finding it intolerable to be around my siblings and try to keep it to none or as short as possible.
I wish it was different, but it isn't, so I have to protect myself from the impossible abuse.
Good luck, dear one.
I wish it was different, but it isn't, so I have to protect myself from the impossible abuse.
Good luck, dear one.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Alysheba 
SparkleKitty, it makes me feel badly too. It's not my choice. A situation I was born into but I'm finding it intolerable to be around my siblings and try to keep it to none or as short as possible.
I wish it was different, but it isn't, so I have to protect myself from the impossible abuse.
Good luck, dear one.
I wish it was different, but it isn't, so I have to protect myself from the impossible abuse.
Good luck, dear one.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Bullhead City, Arizona
Posts: 89
Evening Rose:
My situation is similar to yours, but different. But, the 1st thing I'll say: You need to take care of yourself 1st ... probably all of us here were taught the exact opposite as a child.
I haven't seen most of my siblings in, maybe, 8 years. I'm the 2nd oldest, 1st boy, of 9. Looking back, my older sister was the "mother" of the family, although more "in the background," and nowhere near some of the stories I've read on here, where the oldest daughter 100% replaces the biological mother. My mother had a real hatred of boys, and an ugly, overall anger, and I, being the 1st boy, took the worst of it. However, my older sister, and my sister 1˝ years younger also took some physical abuse. My younger siblings may have, also. The youngest, maybe not.
Teresa (my mother) was very demeaning towards me, in addition to physical abuse, and she tried to control every aspect of my life. Although Teresa probably didn't intend for this to happen, the physical punishment left me with the symptoms of a child that was molested. In retrospect, along the way, Teresa had an attitude that this behavior was "normal," and not child abuse. After spending 15 years with a psychologist, I've worked through most of these issues, and completely overcome some. But, my psychologist has made me realize that I was abused as a child. I did not go to either of my parent's funerals. Some of my siblings have taken actions and words that tell me they don't think I as abused, and, since there's usually more that 1 sibling around, I've chosen to separate from all, until one of them wants to listen to me. I do exchange emails with my youngest sister, very occasionally. But, the ball in is their court. They need to decide that there was serious child abuse in our childhood home... I do not ever want to be told (or suggested) that I wasn't abused as a child.
Sparkle Kitty & Alysheba: I like your posts. I think you both have great attitudes on the "situation." I like the fact that you are keeping the olive branch out there, on your terms.
My situation is similar to yours, but different. But, the 1st thing I'll say: You need to take care of yourself 1st ... probably all of us here were taught the exact opposite as a child.
I haven't seen most of my siblings in, maybe, 8 years. I'm the 2nd oldest, 1st boy, of 9. Looking back, my older sister was the "mother" of the family, although more "in the background," and nowhere near some of the stories I've read on here, where the oldest daughter 100% replaces the biological mother. My mother had a real hatred of boys, and an ugly, overall anger, and I, being the 1st boy, took the worst of it. However, my older sister, and my sister 1˝ years younger also took some physical abuse. My younger siblings may have, also. The youngest, maybe not.
Teresa (my mother) was very demeaning towards me, in addition to physical abuse, and she tried to control every aspect of my life. Although Teresa probably didn't intend for this to happen, the physical punishment left me with the symptoms of a child that was molested. In retrospect, along the way, Teresa had an attitude that this behavior was "normal," and not child abuse. After spending 15 years with a psychologist, I've worked through most of these issues, and completely overcome some. But, my psychologist has made me realize that I was abused as a child. I did not go to either of my parent's funerals. Some of my siblings have taken actions and words that tell me they don't think I as abused, and, since there's usually more that 1 sibling around, I've chosen to separate from all, until one of them wants to listen to me. I do exchange emails with my youngest sister, very occasionally. But, the ball in is their court. They need to decide that there was serious child abuse in our childhood home... I do not ever want to be told (or suggested) that I wasn't abused as a child.
Sparkle Kitty & Alysheba: I like your posts. I think you both have great attitudes on the "situation." I like the fact that you are keeping the olive branch out there, on your terms.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: SF Bay Area, CA
Posts: 33,523
Hang in there Mike. I have and still have a ghastly relationship with my sisters. I'm living with my mom because she has been quite sick and really can't be alone. I'm kind of at the point where I don't want anything to do with the addicted youngest one. I think she is pure evil. The other one isn't much better. I've never had much of a relationship with my mother as I was always her least favorite and the youngest one was her Princess above all else. It's hard to not at least feel resentment. My sisters won't help with anything to do with my mom. I don't know. It's so screwed up and I'm really trying to fight my way out of this period of resentment I've been going through.
Sending you love and peace, Mike. It is not easy. I do speak with a psychiatrist once a month, but I should probably try to find a therapist too.
💖☮
Sending you love and peace, Mike. It is not easy. I do speak with a psychiatrist once a month, but I should probably try to find a therapist too.
💖☮
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Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,340
I have cut myself off from my eldest half brother, occasionally and mostly enjoy my half sister, and cut the cord from my full blooded brother and sister in November. My nephews wedding was hidden from me and my husband by both siblings, the nephew being quite close is my brothers son, I’m sure he was coerced by his dad, who has been fed lies and crap from our little sister for years. She has been mean and jealous of me, for as long as I can remember.
I tried for years to make it work, to take the further abuse and excuse it as ‘we are family, though ‘
Enough.
I likened them to ANYONE I’d want in my life, if they were persons off the street, I wouldn’t tolerate that behavior and cut off my friendship.
It hurts, but it’s soooooo freeing.
Hugs and prayers to all
I tried for years to make it work, to take the further abuse and excuse it as ‘we are family, though ‘
Enough.
I likened them to ANYONE I’d want in my life, if they were persons off the street, I wouldn’t tolerate that behavior and cut off my friendship.
It hurts, but it’s soooooo freeing.
Hugs and prayers to all
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: SF Bay Area, CA
Posts: 33,523
Free, good for you. I have a very similar issue and I've cut my younger sister off completely but I will have to deal with her when we sell mom's house after she goes. I know how badly it hurts, but sometimes we have to do these things to save ourselves. I admire you. Love and peace to you. I'm glad you have such a nice life now. 💗☮💞
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