I need some advise!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 10
I need some advise!
I would like some input concerning my situation. I myself am in recovery and have been sober for 145 days. I feel very proud about my sobriety. However, I am still sad and worried about my father. A lot of the reason I quit drinking is because of him. I know he is an alcoholic and when I drank I was a lot like him. I had the desire to stop because I didn't want to be like him, so I guess I have him to thank for at least part of my recovery. I know that I can't make him stop and I know that I need to concentrate on my own recovery. I just need to know, am I supposed to just sit and watch him completely hit bottom and loose everything? I don't think I can ever forgive him for everything what he has done and he has never asked for my forgiveness. But he is going to loose my parent's house, which I am living in right now. I mean I think he is going to loose it in a foreclosure because he hasn't been making payments. He has not worked in about 4 months and he has no intention of working in the future. I am considering taking over the house payments myself because I love this house and wouldn't mind having it. But if I do that I don't want him living here. As it is now my sister, mother and I are keeping it up anyway (buying groceries and paying bills). What do you think? Right now he is nothing to me. I can't even talk to him because he doesn't make sense. My friends say that I should try and have him committed or have an intervention before kicking him out of the house. I just don't want him in my life anymore but at the same time I want to do everything I can to help him recover.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 8
Hi I can relate to you so much, my father is a recovering alcoholic, he would binge drink not going to work for weeks until his body would simply pack in from the constant abuse, if was my mom who kept the house running, without her my dad would have probably been on the streets or even dead, and me and my sister placed into care, my father has never sincerely appologised to any of us all he says is it just happens (probably referring to the voice), I dont think that alcoholics fully understand how much hurt they cause and the mental scars they leave on us. Even thou my father has put me through so much I have always forgiven him and acted like the loyal son who never abandons his father in his time of distress thinking that it's my duty as a son, deep down I believed that he was also suffering, afterall what type of life is it just drinking all day and night, babbling constant gibberish, pissing himself, ending up stone drunk on the streets unconcious, having his attention solely focused on satisfying his craving for alcohol for weeks and weeks on end whilst on a bender, and the only reason he would come off his bender in the first place was due to his body caving in not due to his own desire to come off it. Living in his own personal hell, Hell that manifested into my everyday reality.
It's real easy to give advice, for outsiders to say just leave him, afterall they dont have love for your father, and you do, they view from an entirely objective perspective how can we without getting thoughts mixed with emotional, how can a son leave his father without feeling at some stage that he abandoned his father, but that is exactly what you have to do if you want to progress in life and want to avoid any further mental damage caused by dysfunctional family life. Me, my mom and sister never chose to kick him out because we knew that he wouldnt be able to cope on his own, that he wasnt responsible and would be wandering the streets homeless. My father has got better over time, he still relapses now and again but its more containable now, but what I am trying to say is that he's f**ked me right up mentally, In the process of saving him I have lost my self and my identity (if some day I make a success of my life it would have been worth it), I possess many of the traits that are common in children of acoholics, I am a ACOA and on the 12step program.
I understand where you are coming from, many times I had asked the question that you are asking to myself, I never found an answer so how can I give you one or I never had the courage to leave my father even thou being aware of how much anguish and despair he was responsible for, all I can offer is my understanding. It's a difficult call, please dont drink thou no matter how hopeless things feel or get, you are not alone there are many out there in similar situations, who can relate to you and understand how you feel, you have to do everything that you can to keep your house, you cant lose it, and whenever you can come to this forum and express yourself, this forum can work wonders as a support system. WE ARE ALL TOGETHER NONE OF US CAN GIVE UP ONLY WE ARE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHERS PAIN!
PEACE OUT
It's real easy to give advice, for outsiders to say just leave him, afterall they dont have love for your father, and you do, they view from an entirely objective perspective how can we without getting thoughts mixed with emotional, how can a son leave his father without feeling at some stage that he abandoned his father, but that is exactly what you have to do if you want to progress in life and want to avoid any further mental damage caused by dysfunctional family life. Me, my mom and sister never chose to kick him out because we knew that he wouldnt be able to cope on his own, that he wasnt responsible and would be wandering the streets homeless. My father has got better over time, he still relapses now and again but its more containable now, but what I am trying to say is that he's f**ked me right up mentally, In the process of saving him I have lost my self and my identity (if some day I make a success of my life it would have been worth it), I possess many of the traits that are common in children of acoholics, I am a ACOA and on the 12step program.
I understand where you are coming from, many times I had asked the question that you are asking to myself, I never found an answer so how can I give you one or I never had the courage to leave my father even thou being aware of how much anguish and despair he was responsible for, all I can offer is my understanding. It's a difficult call, please dont drink thou no matter how hopeless things feel or get, you are not alone there are many out there in similar situations, who can relate to you and understand how you feel, you have to do everything that you can to keep your house, you cant lose it, and whenever you can come to this forum and express yourself, this forum can work wonders as a support system. WE ARE ALL TOGETHER NONE OF US CAN GIVE UP ONLY WE ARE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHERS PAIN!
PEACE OUT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 10
Thanks for writing and I think you are right. But how do you deal with it. I mean how can I let my own father drink himself to death? In AA we are told that we have to have a desire to quit drinking. I had that desire. I knew I was an alcoholic. I knew that if I didn't stop I would loose everything. But I want my father to realize that he can change his whole life if he would begin his recovery. I think he is slowly trying to kill himself. For example I just got home from work ( I work a lot harder now that I'm sober) and I started cleaning up around the house and I went to my dad's room to see if he wanted dinner and he was already completely passed out with the TV blaring. He must drink all day long. A month ago I told him that I wanted him to just be happy and to quit drinking and I started crying and all he did was walk away. When did your dad finally decide to stop drinking? By the way I forgot to tell you a bit of history. My dad starting drinking like an alcoholic about 6 years. So when I was growing up I could depend on him for everything, including financially. In fact I didn't have to really worry about $ until about 5 years ago and the last 3 years have been the real bad ones. I just want him to be like he was before.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 8
Hey hows it going? Everysince my childhood I can remember my father drinking, I took the role of being the mature child trying to be there for my mother and sister, in the process I lost my sense of identity and what I wanted out of life. At 16 venturing into adult life after finnishing school thats when the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional household began to slowly reveal itself, I attempted suicide, social services got involved, father was sent to rehab. He came back a new man, since then he has and continues to relapse, but his drinking is much more containable now. I have cried and spilt my guts out to him many times, but to this day he has never sincerely applogised to me. I can also remembering the countless times I tried to talk sense into him, but the bottle was his supreme council.
He lapsed a few weeks ago, he wasnt going to work, he drinks until he can longer physically drink, then he was just babbling constanly, talking aload of nonsense that didnt make any sense, I would also find him knocked out with the TV blaring, upon coming home from work. When he would wake up he would then attempt to go out and purchase more vodka. He would drink it neat, staight from the bottle, similar to someone thirsty drinking water! Few weeks back the police brought him home they said they found him knocked out on a busy main road and this was about mid-afternoon. So he does still drink but before his binges would last weeks and weeks now they just tend to be for a few days. I've been wanting my dad to stop drinking and be the great dad that I know he really is for 26 years now, and to this day I cant say that my wish has been granted, am I able to say that your wish would be someday granted? Can we depend on our fathers to stop? Our fathers of all people, Christ, our own fathers, bring so much misery to us, the other day I was going through the family photo album I saw pictures of my mom just before she got married to my dad, she was beautiful, like a model, over the years she has spilt so many tears, she is longer the same woman, as a kid I was so cute and should have had a promising future, but my fathers drinking has damaged me, mom and my sister, but he doesnt realise it, but I still love him, I'm still the loyal son, you also sound like the loyal son, if you leave your dad would you be able to live with yourself? Would you find happiness? Its almost impossible trying to control someones drinking and getting them to stop if they aint in the right frame of mind to do so, it's a hopeless scenario, when you living in hell you just have to keep on moving, and at same time get emotional support, whatevers gonna happen is going to happen, fate I guess.
YOU NOT ALONE, I'M JUST A REPLY AWAY
He lapsed a few weeks ago, he wasnt going to work, he drinks until he can longer physically drink, then he was just babbling constanly, talking aload of nonsense that didnt make any sense, I would also find him knocked out with the TV blaring, upon coming home from work. When he would wake up he would then attempt to go out and purchase more vodka. He would drink it neat, staight from the bottle, similar to someone thirsty drinking water! Few weeks back the police brought him home they said they found him knocked out on a busy main road and this was about mid-afternoon. So he does still drink but before his binges would last weeks and weeks now they just tend to be for a few days. I've been wanting my dad to stop drinking and be the great dad that I know he really is for 26 years now, and to this day I cant say that my wish has been granted, am I able to say that your wish would be someday granted? Can we depend on our fathers to stop? Our fathers of all people, Christ, our own fathers, bring so much misery to us, the other day I was going through the family photo album I saw pictures of my mom just before she got married to my dad, she was beautiful, like a model, over the years she has spilt so many tears, she is longer the same woman, as a kid I was so cute and should have had a promising future, but my fathers drinking has damaged me, mom and my sister, but he doesnt realise it, but I still love him, I'm still the loyal son, you also sound like the loyal son, if you leave your dad would you be able to live with yourself? Would you find happiness? Its almost impossible trying to control someones drinking and getting them to stop if they aint in the right frame of mind to do so, it's a hopeless scenario, when you living in hell you just have to keep on moving, and at same time get emotional support, whatevers gonna happen is going to happen, fate I guess.
YOU NOT ALONE, I'M JUST A REPLY AWAY
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
SBC,
It is true that you can't make another person stop drinking. You just can't. My dad has been sober for 30 years and today it is my 30 year old son that is the alcoholic keeping me up nights. I have had to not allow him to come home anymore. I have had to allow him to sleep in the street and wear out all his friends.
Ya know why? Because I deserve to have a calm and peaceful life. I don't have to allow any other person to invade my space or my head and ruin that. I have choices. TODAY I choose to love him from somewhere else. I could change my mind tomorrow.
I try to not do things that will cause me regret. I can close my door to him because I am comfortable that I have done all I can. Maybe you are not at that place yet. God grants us the ability to accept what we cannot change. If there is something you can do by all means do it. If there is not, accepting your powerlessness is much less painful than fighting it. Search for the wisdom to know the difference.
Hugs,
JT
It is true that you can't make another person stop drinking. You just can't. My dad has been sober for 30 years and today it is my 30 year old son that is the alcoholic keeping me up nights. I have had to not allow him to come home anymore. I have had to allow him to sleep in the street and wear out all his friends.
Ya know why? Because I deserve to have a calm and peaceful life. I don't have to allow any other person to invade my space or my head and ruin that. I have choices. TODAY I choose to love him from somewhere else. I could change my mind tomorrow.
I try to not do things that will cause me regret. I can close my door to him because I am comfortable that I have done all I can. Maybe you are not at that place yet. God grants us the ability to accept what we cannot change. If there is something you can do by all means do it. If there is not, accepting your powerlessness is much less painful than fighting it. Search for the wisdom to know the difference.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: riverside,ca
Posts: 20
this is gonna be a hard decision
This is not going to be an easy decision.. My mother is an addict and alcoholic and she is the cause of alot of problems that I am having to day. I am also in recovery and I use to get high with my mother. I wish she would clean up her life and I pray that she will come around.. I know that she is not going to stop until she is ready and willing and right now she is not willing. I had to put some space between us because I dont want to see her continuing to get high and also I have to protect my sobriety. Everyone low is different and maybe your father has not reached his low. there is not much you can do but look out for yourself, I have co dependent issues that I am also working on. I want to be able to save my mother and everyone else but right now I have to focus on me. You have to focus on your sobriety all yo0u can do is pray for your father that he finds the miracle in sobriety that you did. Continue to lead by example but your dad has to be accountable for the things he do not you. Take care of you. Find somewhere for you to stay and last but not least STAY SOBER. YOUR ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK!
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
SBC...things I have done?? I made a list a while back because he was accusing me of doing nothing.
I bailed him out...once.
He has been in jail more times than I can count and all but this time I sent money.
I am caring for his son because he can not/will not.
I allowed him to come home twice in the past 2-3 years. Both times ended badly.
I helped him with furniture and household items for an apartment. It all ended up in the street when he was evicted.
I have fed him, bought him smokes, given him rides, picked him up, done research, made phone calls, clothed him for two funerals (the cloths are now gone), made sure he made family functions (the last time he was trashed and was asked to leave), cried, worried, lost sleep and almost lost my marriage.
He is now a deadbeat dad in jail on his 5th DUI. So you see? I bailed him out of jail on his 1st...I allowed him to come home after his 4th...I was sure he had hit bottom. He didn't...but I did.
Hugs,
JT
I bailed him out...once.
He has been in jail more times than I can count and all but this time I sent money.
I am caring for his son because he can not/will not.
I allowed him to come home twice in the past 2-3 years. Both times ended badly.
I helped him with furniture and household items for an apartment. It all ended up in the street when he was evicted.
I have fed him, bought him smokes, given him rides, picked him up, done research, made phone calls, clothed him for two funerals (the cloths are now gone), made sure he made family functions (the last time he was trashed and was asked to leave), cried, worried, lost sleep and almost lost my marriage.
He is now a deadbeat dad in jail on his 5th DUI. So you see? I bailed him out of jail on his 1st...I allowed him to come home after his 4th...I was sure he had hit bottom. He didn't...but I did.
Hugs,
JT
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hi SBC -
How you deal with the house and how you deal with your dad are two separate issues, I think.
I don't know how old you are, but if you are of legal age, why not stop in to see an attorney about the possiblities around buying your parents home now vs trying to purchase it in foreclosure or if there are possibly other options. It is possible his bank will deal with you after he defaults. An attorney can tell you under Texas law what rights your mom has and what she can sign over to you.
As far as dealing with your dad - you are right, he may never get sober. But you can tell him, in whatever way you can manage - a letter, a phone call... whatever that if nothing else - you understand.
You probably realize that he may not have had good parenting, either. Perhaps the way he didn't parent you was the best he could do. Sometimes, we have to realize that our fault-ridden parents did give us life, and provided for us as best they could.... handicapped as they were, by addiction.
My mom was a sloppy, awful, slutty drunk. She remained that way all through my teen years and into my young adulthood. She embarrassed me at every turn and disgusted me all the time.
Then she found her own bottom - and it certainly wasn't MY pain, or my dad's pain, or anyone elses that brought her down. It was something none of us expected... someone setting a boundary around the first grandchild. That little thing turned her around. Imagine that.
Anyway. She wasn't a good parent back in the day. But she has done as much as she can since to make up for it. I would have NEVER, not in a million years, recognized the woman that was hidden behind that drunken facade. Nope. Not in a million years.
The man who wants to be your dad is in there. He may never come out, so you have to take it on faith. Distance yourself as much as you can from the alcoholic he is now, but try to catch a glimpse of the man within occassionally - or just take it on faith that he is there. It might take away some of the pain you are feeling.
Congratulations on your 145 days of sobriety... what a wonderful thing you have done for yourself and for your future.
Be well,
BigSis
How you deal with the house and how you deal with your dad are two separate issues, I think.
I don't know how old you are, but if you are of legal age, why not stop in to see an attorney about the possiblities around buying your parents home now vs trying to purchase it in foreclosure or if there are possibly other options. It is possible his bank will deal with you after he defaults. An attorney can tell you under Texas law what rights your mom has and what she can sign over to you.
As far as dealing with your dad - you are right, he may never get sober. But you can tell him, in whatever way you can manage - a letter, a phone call... whatever that if nothing else - you understand.
You probably realize that he may not have had good parenting, either. Perhaps the way he didn't parent you was the best he could do. Sometimes, we have to realize that our fault-ridden parents did give us life, and provided for us as best they could.... handicapped as they were, by addiction.
My mom was a sloppy, awful, slutty drunk. She remained that way all through my teen years and into my young adulthood. She embarrassed me at every turn and disgusted me all the time.
Then she found her own bottom - and it certainly wasn't MY pain, or my dad's pain, or anyone elses that brought her down. It was something none of us expected... someone setting a boundary around the first grandchild. That little thing turned her around. Imagine that.
Anyway. She wasn't a good parent back in the day. But she has done as much as she can since to make up for it. I would have NEVER, not in a million years, recognized the woman that was hidden behind that drunken facade. Nope. Not in a million years.
The man who wants to be your dad is in there. He may never come out, so you have to take it on faith. Distance yourself as much as you can from the alcoholic he is now, but try to catch a glimpse of the man within occassionally - or just take it on faith that he is there. It might take away some of the pain you are feeling.
Congratulations on your 145 days of sobriety... what a wonderful thing you have done for yourself and for your future.
Be well,
BigSis
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1
SBC,
As a grateful member of Al-Anon, I can't give you any advice about what to do about your dad, I can only say that he has to hit bottom, and you need to detach from him with love. I am not saying you should go, I am not saying you should stay. I am not saying you should confront him, but I will say that you did not cause his alcoholism, you can't control it, and _you CAN"T cure it_. Knowing that you're not in control is a frightening thing, but by the grace of your HP, everything will be okay.
My sponsor likes to say, "Everything's going to be okay, and if everything isn't okay, everything will still be okay." Your HP's got you in his hands.
nodivision
As a grateful member of Al-Anon, I can't give you any advice about what to do about your dad, I can only say that he has to hit bottom, and you need to detach from him with love. I am not saying you should go, I am not saying you should stay. I am not saying you should confront him, but I will say that you did not cause his alcoholism, you can't control it, and _you CAN"T cure it_. Knowing that you're not in control is a frightening thing, but by the grace of your HP, everything will be okay.
My sponsor likes to say, "Everything's going to be okay, and if everything isn't okay, everything will still be okay." Your HP's got you in his hands.
nodivision
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 10
Thank you all so much for responding. About your son well you certainly have been through hell and I am sorry. You must worry about him a lot. Do you think there is any chance of him sobering up? I also agree that handling the house and my father are two separate things. I have been way too emotional about the house and not wanting to get too involved since it really is his house and as he likes to say "I am still your father". I need to start thinking about the house more as a business decision. As for how to deal with my Dad well that's a different story. He moved out of the house this morning. He says it's because he feel like he can't relax at our house. He wants to be able to drink and not have people giving him dirty looks. Oh I forgot to tell you that last night my mother and I had some family friends over for dinner. I was really hoping he wouldn't come home early because he usually stays out late drinking with this friends. Well he did come home and proceeded to get completely drunk. He was so gross at the table that I almost got up and left but I didn't because I didn't want to leave those people there with him alone. So yes I did give him dirty looks and yes I don't participate in his drinking and yes I always ignore him when he comes home drunk so maybe that's why he feels like no one cares about him. About a month ago I told him that I wanted to help him and that I was very worried about him. I asked him what was so wrong that he had to get so drunk every day. He got mad. Well today he is gone and he says that we have caused all of his problems and that he does not drink too much! So he has finally moved out. You probably think that's awesome! Well not quite because before he left he stole 20k out of my grandfathers estate checking account. He refinanced the house and took out another loan and promised me and my mother that he was going to use the money to make house payments and pay off the money that he stole. Well he got the check on Monday and it is now all gone. He lied to all of us and I trusted him. I feel so stupid. I have been crying now for the past hour and it's not because he moved out but because I need the money so bad. I am now trying to collect my thought's. I have my brother and sisters support, my mom can't work because she is disabled. So I am going to get together with them and we try and get a loan to pay all of this stuff off for good. Of course I will be struggling to make it every month but I am willing to suffer if it means he will be gone. Right now he is not a father to me and I am officially estranged from him. Am I right to feel this way? Or am I being too harsh? How do I keep him from coming back to the house?
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