She called me yesterday.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 9
She called me yesterday.
So, after my what seemed to be breakdown the other day, I took a long hard look in the mirror and decided that I had left to take everyone's advice and distance myself from my mother.
Wednesday night she discharged herself out of the hospital because the nurses were being " mean" to her and she wanted to go home and take morphine for the pain she had from falling. I tried to tell her to stay, and get the tests and try to make her realize that it's the best place for her especially after a fall, and she just. Lost It on me... And so when we hung up.. I lost it... Emotionally I felt like a POS, I felt guilt ridden and like a horrible human being.. I didn't know what to say or how to feel and i was emotionally drained. And then I found you guys. Who are supportive and understanding, and all the threads that are so enlightening and relatable! So much so that I decided enough was enough, I needed to get myself back.
So thrusday, she called me. No hello, how are you?... Just " I'm mad at you" " how dare you try to tell. Me what to do, I am an adult and I don't need you in my life if you're not going to do what I ask of you! As a matter of fact, I'm telling the hospital to take you off my in case of emergency contact. " and for a moment I was sad.. I was sad because this was my mom!!!! I have done so much I have reacheduled, bargained, excused, compromised so many times and this is how she treats me... And the next moment I was shocked, because two days ago she was saying that she was glad I was back in her life. And then I was angry, because I had done NOTHING wrong!!!! And so I told her " you know what, your absolutely right! I have no right and it's your life! You are an adult! And maybe you should change the contact, because I think it's time for. Me to seek. Some professional help, after everything that you have put me through this year I just. Cannot seem to find myself, I'm no good to. You or myself or anyone else in the state thT. I'm in, and I think I need to Focus on myself for a little while and distance myself from you. Her words to that were " focus on yourself and your other people" ( I'm close to My aunt, she took me out of foster care and raised me from the time I was 14 and my Mom resents her for it) and I said no... Myself, I'm not happy and clearly I'm not helping you in any way so no I need to work On myself! " whatever have a good life" she said.. I think she hung up but I still. Said I Love you ...... The sadness, guilt, heartache that followed were incredible, but the sigh of relief was nice. I honestly expected her to Call Back and yell And cry and beg for Forgiveness (like all the times before) but nothing.
And so here's the strange part, I called my Sister Today to See if she had heard anything from my mom. She had said no... And the worry and guilt and anxiety came flooding back.. And I asked my sister to call my mom, I hated asking her... I don't know why I can't just Let her go.. I. Need to learn I guess how to Let go? It's one thing to Say it... It's an to Follow through! Can anyone shed some light on why I May be feeling this way? I thought the hard part was telling her... It dosent seem to be. X
Wednesday night she discharged herself out of the hospital because the nurses were being " mean" to her and she wanted to go home and take morphine for the pain she had from falling. I tried to tell her to stay, and get the tests and try to make her realize that it's the best place for her especially after a fall, and she just. Lost It on me... And so when we hung up.. I lost it... Emotionally I felt like a POS, I felt guilt ridden and like a horrible human being.. I didn't know what to say or how to feel and i was emotionally drained. And then I found you guys. Who are supportive and understanding, and all the threads that are so enlightening and relatable! So much so that I decided enough was enough, I needed to get myself back.
So thrusday, she called me. No hello, how are you?... Just " I'm mad at you" " how dare you try to tell. Me what to do, I am an adult and I don't need you in my life if you're not going to do what I ask of you! As a matter of fact, I'm telling the hospital to take you off my in case of emergency contact. " and for a moment I was sad.. I was sad because this was my mom!!!! I have done so much I have reacheduled, bargained, excused, compromised so many times and this is how she treats me... And the next moment I was shocked, because two days ago she was saying that she was glad I was back in her life. And then I was angry, because I had done NOTHING wrong!!!! And so I told her " you know what, your absolutely right! I have no right and it's your life! You are an adult! And maybe you should change the contact, because I think it's time for. Me to seek. Some professional help, after everything that you have put me through this year I just. Cannot seem to find myself, I'm no good to. You or myself or anyone else in the state thT. I'm in, and I think I need to Focus on myself for a little while and distance myself from you. Her words to that were " focus on yourself and your other people" ( I'm close to My aunt, she took me out of foster care and raised me from the time I was 14 and my Mom resents her for it) and I said no... Myself, I'm not happy and clearly I'm not helping you in any way so no I need to work On myself! " whatever have a good life" she said.. I think she hung up but I still. Said I Love you ...... The sadness, guilt, heartache that followed were incredible, but the sigh of relief was nice. I honestly expected her to Call Back and yell And cry and beg for Forgiveness (like all the times before) but nothing.
And so here's the strange part, I called my Sister Today to See if she had heard anything from my mom. She had said no... And the worry and guilt and anxiety came flooding back.. And I asked my sister to call my mom, I hated asking her... I don't know why I can't just Let her go.. I. Need to learn I guess how to Let go? It's one thing to Say it... It's an to Follow through! Can anyone shed some light on why I May be feeling this way? I thought the hard part was telling her... It dosent seem to be. X
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Eh, if they start grading for spelling around here we're all in trouble!
You did great...until you called your sister about your mom. Don't get me wrong, this codependency thing isn't cured in a day, so please don't feel like I'm criticizing you. But do you see that by checking up on your mother you aren't following through with treating her like an adult who needs to make her own choices? Hint: you felt pretty good and pretty relieved, yes? Until you re-engaged, even second-hand. And then you felt bad again.
Are you able to attend Alanon soon? Face to face support might be a big help and help you find new strength to detach.
As they say around here: you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you cannot control it. Your focus needs to be on healing yourself and avoiding repeating this pattern in the future and not just with her. We "fixers" often repeat this over and over, finding new toxic relationships with the same old stuff.
You're going to be okay.
You did great...until you called your sister about your mom. Don't get me wrong, this codependency thing isn't cured in a day, so please don't feel like I'm criticizing you. But do you see that by checking up on your mother you aren't following through with treating her like an adult who needs to make her own choices? Hint: you felt pretty good and pretty relieved, yes? Until you re-engaged, even second-hand. And then you felt bad again.
Are you able to attend Alanon soon? Face to face support might be a big help and help you find new strength to detach.
As they say around here: you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you cannot control it. Your focus needs to be on healing yourself and avoiding repeating this pattern in the future and not just with her. We "fixers" often repeat this over and over, finding new toxic relationships with the same old stuff.
You're going to be okay.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
For me, the brain can get there logically long, long, long before my body completely "gets it" emotionally.
The emotions just lurch me back like a moth to a flame.
The other day, my wife and I were walking through the store and I saw my dad. I knee-jerk waved at him (sent him a letter a year or so ago about his drinking, had he decided I was no longer in his life? etc - with no response at all). He turned his head and kept walking.
I felt pain and sadness about it, but I also felt like, 'big surprise' - with no response to a very heartfelt reaching out letter, what should I expect? Something different? nope.
Anyways, keep reading here, writing here - find some support from others actually trying to deal with their own problems. Al-Anon helped tremendously for me.
Everything made sense and just clicked for me. But my emotions dragged their feet along the way. But, inevitably, the 12-step work and focus on my own recovery got the emotions closer and closer to where my head was getting. I think my brains still ahead while my emotions still yearn for the sick people that bring no joy or health to my life.
Hang in there - you're not alone. Try not to be hard on yourself when your recovery isn't perfect. It isn't for ANY of us. I love the phrase in meetings, "progress not perfection".
Sounds like you've had progress to me. Keep on going.
The emotions just lurch me back like a moth to a flame.
The other day, my wife and I were walking through the store and I saw my dad. I knee-jerk waved at him (sent him a letter a year or so ago about his drinking, had he decided I was no longer in his life? etc - with no response at all). He turned his head and kept walking.
I felt pain and sadness about it, but I also felt like, 'big surprise' - with no response to a very heartfelt reaching out letter, what should I expect? Something different? nope.
Anyways, keep reading here, writing here - find some support from others actually trying to deal with their own problems. Al-Anon helped tremendously for me.
Everything made sense and just clicked for me. But my emotions dragged their feet along the way. But, inevitably, the 12-step work and focus on my own recovery got the emotions closer and closer to where my head was getting. I think my brains still ahead while my emotions still yearn for the sick people that bring no joy or health to my life.
Hang in there - you're not alone. Try not to be hard on yourself when your recovery isn't perfect. It isn't for ANY of us. I love the phrase in meetings, "progress not perfection".
Sounds like you've had progress to me. Keep on going.
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