Dealing with the trauma of having a Parent addicted to Drugs and Alchohol
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Montreal
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Dealing with the trauma of having a Parent addicted to Drugs and Alchohol
My father grew up in Northern China, his father was an electrician that had problems with gambling and was also an alcoholic. There is a part of me that sympathizes with my dad, he had a rough and neglectful upbringing in a troubled and deeply oppressive environment. He first started using coke when he was 15-years-old, this then escalated to trying other drugs and he became addicted to Heroine and was a raging alcoholic.
Right up until the day I was born he was for a few months sober from alcohol, gambling, and heroin/coke.
I was born in May 1996, he passed away from aids in 2002 and had been abusing heroin and alcohol up until his diagnosis.
Growing up my dad was extremely abusive and neglectful, he would beat my mother because he either wanted money to buy more drugs or because he was already so high and drunk. He’d disappear for days and when he came home he would be too high to recognize me, I’ve seen my dad drunk and high with a needle in his arm more often than i’ve felt his touch or felt his supportive presence in my life. He often sold our belongings to make cash to feed his addiction, rugs, clothing, toys, jewelry, furniture- anything that could be sold. My mom luckily came from a privileged family and was working with a large production company at the time so we could afford to live well- however with his addiction, it never felt like living at all. He threatened to kill us if we would leave the house and squat somewhere else when he got too violent- before apologizing and promising to change if mom took him back. He often would try to give me drugs and alcohol as a child, i distinctly remember being 5-years-old, thinking "i am a child how can i drink beer". There is too many memories of seeing him high on heroine, seeing him manipulative, violent- but there's also memories of him as a genuine person. Seeing the shame in his eyes, seeing the anxiety and pain his movements. There is a part of me that is split in between being sympathetic to him and feeling as though I hurt in life because of the decisions he made.
I am 20-years-old now, I live in a different country, attend University and have a step-father who treats me as his own. In a lot of ways I am different than him, but theres also this understanding within me that views my identity as a statistic and textbook example of how children of abusers behave and grow up. I dealt with an eating disorder, i've got social anxiety and deal with Bipolar disorder, I get addicted to mediocre things develop ocd patterns quickly. They can get broken and fixed, but they still happen. As a child a lot go kids were told not to play with me because my dad was a druggie, its made me shameful and afraid to tell people I am the daughter of a Heroin addict who eventually died of AIDS. Its not quite glamorous or small talk, and even if I wanted to talk about it how do would I ever bring up such a topic? I don’t know how to deal with these emotions, how to process my father and my father the addict, how do I process such complex topics. I’m basically posting on here because I’ve never talked about this, and I feel trapped and confused- its been 13-years and I still feel as if I’m the 6-year-old hiding in the closet. I wanted to ask how you dealt with it, how do you process what happen, how do you make sense and if sense is able to be formed- can you forgive your parent(s) and yourself for thinking you were at fault and guilty of their addiction for how many years?
Right up until the day I was born he was for a few months sober from alcohol, gambling, and heroin/coke.
I was born in May 1996, he passed away from aids in 2002 and had been abusing heroin and alcohol up until his diagnosis.
Growing up my dad was extremely abusive and neglectful, he would beat my mother because he either wanted money to buy more drugs or because he was already so high and drunk. He’d disappear for days and when he came home he would be too high to recognize me, I’ve seen my dad drunk and high with a needle in his arm more often than i’ve felt his touch or felt his supportive presence in my life. He often sold our belongings to make cash to feed his addiction, rugs, clothing, toys, jewelry, furniture- anything that could be sold. My mom luckily came from a privileged family and was working with a large production company at the time so we could afford to live well- however with his addiction, it never felt like living at all. He threatened to kill us if we would leave the house and squat somewhere else when he got too violent- before apologizing and promising to change if mom took him back. He often would try to give me drugs and alcohol as a child, i distinctly remember being 5-years-old, thinking "i am a child how can i drink beer". There is too many memories of seeing him high on heroine, seeing him manipulative, violent- but there's also memories of him as a genuine person. Seeing the shame in his eyes, seeing the anxiety and pain his movements. There is a part of me that is split in between being sympathetic to him and feeling as though I hurt in life because of the decisions he made.
I am 20-years-old now, I live in a different country, attend University and have a step-father who treats me as his own. In a lot of ways I am different than him, but theres also this understanding within me that views my identity as a statistic and textbook example of how children of abusers behave and grow up. I dealt with an eating disorder, i've got social anxiety and deal with Bipolar disorder, I get addicted to mediocre things develop ocd patterns quickly. They can get broken and fixed, but they still happen. As a child a lot go kids were told not to play with me because my dad was a druggie, its made me shameful and afraid to tell people I am the daughter of a Heroin addict who eventually died of AIDS. Its not quite glamorous or small talk, and even if I wanted to talk about it how do would I ever bring up such a topic? I don’t know how to deal with these emotions, how to process my father and my father the addict, how do I process such complex topics. I’m basically posting on here because I’ve never talked about this, and I feel trapped and confused- its been 13-years and I still feel as if I’m the 6-year-old hiding in the closet. I wanted to ask how you dealt with it, how do you process what happen, how do you make sense and if sense is able to be formed- can you forgive your parent(s) and yourself for thinking you were at fault and guilty of their addiction for how many years?
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello maimaibronte, and welcome to this little corner of recovery
This is a very small and quiet forum, people check in about once a week. So if you don't get a lot of replies right away please don't feel ignored.
Mike
Moderator, SR
This is a very small and quiet forum, people check in about once a week. So if you don't get a lot of replies right away please don't feel ignored.
Mike
Moderator, SR
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Ach, maimaibronte, you have a lot on your plate. Welcome to Sober Recovery. It sounds like you have family support, which is good. Is therapy an option for you? You have a lot to process. I am a member of Al-Anon, and it has been really helpful to me. You might also con sider Nar-Anon. They can be tools to help you make sense of your family history and place it in a perspective that works for you. Good luck. Peace.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,533
I'm an adult child of an alcoholic so I can relate in so many ways. Unfortunately the toxic relationship with alcohol didn't skip me. But I'm doing something about it now in my 40s. You are too by posting on here. Good for you~ It sounds to me like you are a survivor. You are doing it right. Stay strong. Do not let your father define who you are. You have two choices: You can BECOME it or you can OVERCOME it. You are being proactive, and have noticed your addictive/problematic areas and you are doing something about it. At only 20 years old. I'm very proud of you. I would also suggest posting in the Newcomers Forum at times when you are feeling addictive behaviors because there is so much support. I hope the best for you.
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