ajarlson

I just found out that even though I blocked my AM's phone number, the phone still allows her to leave voice mails. There were three voice mails from her under "Blocked Caller Voicemails" or something like that.
One was at the end of August, so not too long ago.
It's been almost a year since I last spoke to her, 6 months since my half-brother called and I told him why I wasn't in contact with her anymore.
I deleted the voice mails without listening to them. I figured, if she is sober she would have let my half-brother know, and he would have sent me a text to that effect. So what does that leave? I know what I would hear:
Self pity
Anger at me
Resignation (which is still self pity - oh well I'll just go on)
I decided not to listen, but that decision is also making my stomach twist in knots - I guess the big question is, would my stomach twist MORE if I listened?
No winning here I don't think...

happybeingme

That is the pits. I know if it were me my stress would go even higher if I heard my mom's voice. As a matter of fact it did the other day when I went to my sister's house to pick up my niece. My mom came outside and stood there. No reason for her to. She just wanted to force a confrontation. I didn't engage

tromboneliness

Short answer: Yes. Your compass is on target.

T

MIRecovery

One of my favorite lines, "Not my circus not my monkeys."

As long as she is drinking the cicus will be in town and the only thing you can do is not attend

ajarlson

Thanks everyone, sometimes you just need people to remind you that you're not a horrible person for not talking to your mother. LOL

happybeingme

Nope you aren't horrible at all. Society is horrible by feeding us a fairytale of crap about how moms are some kind of magical person. Loving, kind, fiercely protective. Oh and as such we owe them a lifetime of allegiance.

Keep your emotional self safe. Don't engage unless she has some real sobriety.

ajarlson

Thanks, yeah.
<Loving, kind, fiercely protective>
All those things. Which I am to my kids, maybe even more so than usual because I vowed I wouldn't be like her. Even if she got sober it would take a miracle for her to acknowledge and actually be sorry for everything.
Here's another question, is it petty to think -
she wasn't there for me (my grandparents raised me until I was 14 and the rest is a strange story) so why should I be there for her?

I think sometimes that is not the right way to think, and I squish that thought down. Perhaps better is that I will not allow people in my life that do not bring something positive?

happybeingme

I don't know if it's wrong. By the way, by whose definition? If it were me I wouldn't feel any obligation at all. She didn't raise you. I assume she wasn't in your life at all? But, then again I say that only because of where I am at today in my own recovery. So take it for what it is. Took me a lifetime to realize I didn't owe my mom anything, that she wasn't my child, and that there was no relationship. She always took and I just gave and gave.

In all of the world we are the only animal I think that somehow there is supposed to be this lifelong obligation. It doesn't make sense. How are we supposed to have an allegiance to separate groups? Our sick parent and our own spouse, children whatever. Makes my head spin if I think about it too much

ajarlson

My theory is that, as the parent, it is HER responsibility to look after me, care for me, until she absolutely cannot, due to age or illness. She turned this upside down and decided I should take care of her, while I still had kids at home no less, and she was only mid-60s and healthy other than her addiction. Add to that she left me to be raised by other people for most of my childhood and I eventually said - NO. I, too, have thought long about our "social contracts" and what society seems to expect of us. They forced me to take her home from the hospital at one point because - I was her daughter. Another reason I refuse to have contact - no one is going to bully me into that again.

DesertEyes

My personal opinion is that love is _earned_. Nobody is entitled to love. Adults have a particular responsibilty to be a role model for their children when it comes to demonstrating _how_ to act in a manner that is deserving of love.

My parents had no interest in other people, other than to use them for their selfish needs. They never were "lovable" in any way. Just becaue we share DNA does not entitle them to my love.

Mike

happybeingme

Ajarlson- don't ever let a hospital due that to you again. It is their responsibility to find after care for a patient. You are under no legal obligation to do that. I hate hospitals

Kialua

Set your boundaries and keep them the best you can.

I had this happen as well. My mom was a huge hypochondriac from the time I was born and even before really. My A dad would always tell us to be nice to her because she was dying and wouldn't be here next year. She was always doctor shopping and on 19 different meds, downers and uppers. She kept this up forever and burned a lot of bridges, including me, when she went into the hospital 2 or 3 times a year because she was "dying". She did this forever and we all quit going to see her because, no kidding, they NEVER found anything wrong with her but would keep her in 3 or 4 days to run every test possible. So one time near the end of her life the nurse was appalled that none of her grown kids or grandchildren came to see her, I'm sure she cried great crocodile tears to her. The nurse called me reprimanding me saying, "The doctor wants to know why none of you and your siblings are here visiting her!" and other such scoldings. I told her I would talk to the doctor and told him she was lucky we even called and saw her when we did, as she allowed physical abuse from my A day, saying to him while he beat us, "not where is shows!". The doctor was stunned in silence. Never had a problem with him again. And by the way she lived to 97 in near perfect health.

EveningRose

I think it's been six years since I've spoken to either of my parents.

Fact is, I don't feel horrible at all, as my mother has made no effort in all that time to speak to me, and both my mother and father, in that time, have come to my kids' graduation parties, in my home and at a public park, at my expense, enjoying my hospitality, and not bothered speaking to me at all--then (I kid you not!) criticizing me for not being friendly enough to them at those events!!!!

(Excuse me??? I invited you, at my own expense, despite all the former garbage you threw at me, and you ignored me the whole time while eating the food I provided, yet somehow I'm still the problem child????)

That said, in a sense, I'm the eternal optimist...and eternally saddled with guilt, thinking with every voice mail, with every letter, I better listen to it, read it, because what if THIS one is the one where they say, I'm sorry, I want peace, can we start over?

But sure enough, every single time...like Charlie believing Lucy won't pull the ball away THIS time....I give in, I read, I listen, and once again, I get a barrage of verbal attacks. The voice mails--a dozen of them that got angrier and angrier, descending to my own father calling me an '*******.'

And still, I was foolish enough to open the letter he sent a couple years later--was I really surprised to see that it was a page and a half of telling me what a loser I am and how even my own children hate me, and he's a much better parent to them than I am?

Sadly, I won't be listening to any future voice mails or messages. We just reach a point where it's not worth it. If they finally decided to look at themselves, well, it's tragic that it only happened after they fooled us a couple dozen times.....

ajarlson

I was expecting some anger or guilt throwing or something in those voice mails. What I wasn't prepared for was the total denial that anything was even wrong. Which tells me I better not wait for that apology.

EveningRose

This was one of my conversations with my dad.

AF: Why are you mad? Why won't you talk to us?
ME:[lists a dozen specific incidents of physical and verbal abuses from him and various family members.]
AF: [sadly as if speaking to a slow-witted child] None of that ever happened, ER, none of that ever happened. So why are you mad?

Yep, exactly, what's left to say? He probably really doesn't remember this stuff, because it simply didn't affect HIM that he did these things to me. But these things were continuing, and he denies it. So I just stay away.

LadyOwl

My phone has three blocked voice mails from my mom. I haven't listened to them, but I haven't deleted them. I'm pretty sure the first two are rage-filled tirades from when I was "forcing her" to stay in inpatient physical therapy and "trying to control her" and all that, which were around the time I visited her in person and then decided to go no contact. The third is probably a question about a bill that she managed to email me during the short period of time she was actually home and not in a hospital or other facility.

I periodically check the blocked voice mails but love the idea of my little smartphone looking out for me, pushing aside toxic communication. On a related note, I just last week figured out that I can put individual text messages on do not disturb. Amazing. When my toxic sibling is blowing up a group text and freaking out over some crisis or another (real or imagined) with my mom, I don't have to jolt or feel compelled to respond immediately or get anxious, especially during the workday. Hooray!