Super Angry with brothers!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 26
Super Angry with brothers!!!
Really need to vent!
Not posted much in here but come in everyday to read, learn and take comfort in not alone.
Little background on me! I'm an adult child of an alcoholic mother. My mums drinking got seriously out of hand at the end of last year, we knew mum drank in her room more than normal after my grandad died two years ago but the extent of it we didn't know until it surfaced and we couldn't hide/ignore it anymore. Once she was "diagnosed" as an alcoholic she got worse, she had the biggest excuse of all to drink all day now as she "had" too. Life was difficult, the anger, pain and hatred in us all, myself (30), two brothers ( 32 & 25) and father was at a high. Mum took really ill at the end of March and ended up in hospital, whist in there she was detoxed and has now been sober over 30days, attending her hub recovery and meetings and also agreed to go onto anti abuse. She is doing well, maybe a little down and anxious at times (I know things won't change for her overnight) but she is, in my opinion 100% better than she was over 30 days ago!
Now the reason I'm so angry is my brothers!!! I know everyone deals with things in different ways but they are driving me nuts!! They don't call and ask how AM is or how her recovery is doing, showing no support at all, when I feel she really needs it at this time, but as soon as they need cash or their dogs looked after they are at her door demanding and dumping! I asked why they are not supporting and they both said because they know she will fail at it! This is her first time giving sobriety a go, yes I'm expecting a blip or two but to give her no support at all in my eyes is awful but use and abuse when you feel like it or need help!
My older brother is away this weekend to London and just dumped his dog off at AM's last night with no prior warning! WTF?? Also when this all kicked off the first thing he was worried about was the money mum promised him for his wedding, if she had drank it?
I understand they are angry and hurt from what's went on in the last 6 months (note mum was not a heavy drinker when we were children) as am I but the selfishness from them is unbelievable! They have double standards! Either be there or not, stop making it confusing for AM!
Sorry if I'm not making sense but I'm so angry with them, need to get it out!
Not posted much in here but come in everyday to read, learn and take comfort in not alone.
Little background on me! I'm an adult child of an alcoholic mother. My mums drinking got seriously out of hand at the end of last year, we knew mum drank in her room more than normal after my grandad died two years ago but the extent of it we didn't know until it surfaced and we couldn't hide/ignore it anymore. Once she was "diagnosed" as an alcoholic she got worse, she had the biggest excuse of all to drink all day now as she "had" too. Life was difficult, the anger, pain and hatred in us all, myself (30), two brothers ( 32 & 25) and father was at a high. Mum took really ill at the end of March and ended up in hospital, whist in there she was detoxed and has now been sober over 30days, attending her hub recovery and meetings and also agreed to go onto anti abuse. She is doing well, maybe a little down and anxious at times (I know things won't change for her overnight) but she is, in my opinion 100% better than she was over 30 days ago!
Now the reason I'm so angry is my brothers!!! I know everyone deals with things in different ways but they are driving me nuts!! They don't call and ask how AM is or how her recovery is doing, showing no support at all, when I feel she really needs it at this time, but as soon as they need cash or their dogs looked after they are at her door demanding and dumping! I asked why they are not supporting and they both said because they know she will fail at it! This is her first time giving sobriety a go, yes I'm expecting a blip or two but to give her no support at all in my eyes is awful but use and abuse when you feel like it or need help!
My older brother is away this weekend to London and just dumped his dog off at AM's last night with no prior warning! WTF?? Also when this all kicked off the first thing he was worried about was the money mum promised him for his wedding, if she had drank it?
I understand they are angry and hurt from what's went on in the last 6 months (note mum was not a heavy drinker when we were children) as am I but the selfishness from them is unbelievable! They have double standards! Either be there or not, stop making it confusing for AM!
Sorry if I'm not making sense but I'm so angry with them, need to get it out!
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi welcome to the forum. Congrats on your mum's sobriety that is great.
Now here is how I see your situation. You are angry at your brothers because YOU don't think they are being supportive. How does your mum feel? It is her recovery and her relationships. Not everybody needs or wants cheerleading.
Perhaps your brother just dropped off the dog with no warning because he has always done it that way. You are taking on responsibilities that aren't yours to take. This only will cause problems between you and your brothers. Your mum needs to stand up for herself. If she has a problem with your brothers she needs to address it herself. That's part of recovery. You getting involved will only screw things up
Now here is how I see your situation. You are angry at your brothers because YOU don't think they are being supportive. How does your mum feel? It is her recovery and her relationships. Not everybody needs or wants cheerleading.
Perhaps your brother just dropped off the dog with no warning because he has always done it that way. You are taking on responsibilities that aren't yours to take. This only will cause problems between you and your brothers. Your mum needs to stand up for herself. If she has a problem with your brothers she needs to address it herself. That's part of recovery. You getting involved will only screw things up
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
I can share some experience. There is little support to go around. I certainly feel next to none of it for my life. Barely anyone in my FOO said much of anything as we went through infertility. Not much to say when I announced we were FINALLY pregnant. Maybe a little congrats, but not much else. (HOWEVER - I get my support ELSEWHERE - Alanon, AA, counseling, friends, wife, and this FORUM!)
My father stopped hard-alcohol for a period of time (only beer). Just that difference alone showed a profound change in his character. It felt like there was a smaller glimpse (even if it was a blip) of my father's underlying true personality without the fog of alcohol. Did anyone acknowledge that as an accomplishment? NOPE. Not even me. That was years ago while I was active in my own addiction. I'm not sure why we don't talk about the important stuff like that. Maybe when we numb-out or don't talk about the bad stuff, we don't talk about the good stuff either? That we can't selectively numb out or drown out the bad stuff. Thus, when a person recovers...well, we've been spending years ignoring the drinking and not talking about it - why would we all of the sudden talk about the NON-drinking? we would have to acknowledge there was a problem in the first place...which many of my family...just didn't do.
Denial is very powerful. It is meant to protect us. Perhaps your siblings are stuck in denial. Even if they acknowledge a problem...maybe they do fear that it will all come crashing down. That having any sense of hope on the situation is foolish. THey may be filled with fear. Or, don't want to put in the energy for hope...because is the hope worth it if it doesn't work out?
All of the above is really nothing you can control. No more than you can decide your mother's sobriety. I myself can not fix the dysfunction of my family - I WISH I could. Then again, am I such an expert that I could direct other people's lives. If I'm driving their train...who's driving mine?
In the end, the one thing I can do is try to work on me. If I want my father to have support, then I give it. Let it begin with me. If my siblings choose something else for themselves, they have that right. Doesn't make their choices right or wrong. Just theirs. I don't have control over their choices anyways. I would drive myself crazy trying to enforce my way of thinking onto them. My sanity comes from trying to live my life the best way that I can.
Best of luck to you. My suggestion would be to provide your mother support and understanding. Lots of love and hugs and acceptance. You're not in control of her recovery work (even how it's done, or what program she uses, if she has a higher power - what that higher power is, etc). But, you are in control of you. Take care of you.
Just some thoughts to consider.
My father stopped hard-alcohol for a period of time (only beer). Just that difference alone showed a profound change in his character. It felt like there was a smaller glimpse (even if it was a blip) of my father's underlying true personality without the fog of alcohol. Did anyone acknowledge that as an accomplishment? NOPE. Not even me. That was years ago while I was active in my own addiction. I'm not sure why we don't talk about the important stuff like that. Maybe when we numb-out or don't talk about the bad stuff, we don't talk about the good stuff either? That we can't selectively numb out or drown out the bad stuff. Thus, when a person recovers...well, we've been spending years ignoring the drinking and not talking about it - why would we all of the sudden talk about the NON-drinking? we would have to acknowledge there was a problem in the first place...which many of my family...just didn't do.
Denial is very powerful. It is meant to protect us. Perhaps your siblings are stuck in denial. Even if they acknowledge a problem...maybe they do fear that it will all come crashing down. That having any sense of hope on the situation is foolish. THey may be filled with fear. Or, don't want to put in the energy for hope...because is the hope worth it if it doesn't work out?
All of the above is really nothing you can control. No more than you can decide your mother's sobriety. I myself can not fix the dysfunction of my family - I WISH I could. Then again, am I such an expert that I could direct other people's lives. If I'm driving their train...who's driving mine?
In the end, the one thing I can do is try to work on me. If I want my father to have support, then I give it. Let it begin with me. If my siblings choose something else for themselves, they have that right. Doesn't make their choices right or wrong. Just theirs. I don't have control over their choices anyways. I would drive myself crazy trying to enforce my way of thinking onto them. My sanity comes from trying to live my life the best way that I can.
Best of luck to you. My suggestion would be to provide your mother support and understanding. Lots of love and hugs and acceptance. You're not in control of her recovery work (even how it's done, or what program she uses, if she has a higher power - what that higher power is, etc). But, you are in control of you. Take care of you.
Just some thoughts to consider.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 26
Many thanks for both responses. Yes you are both right I have no control over my brothers and if they choose not to support her then that's their choice not mines, I can only do what I want, which at this time is to support my mum and focus on me. I suppose it's like them telling me not to support her when I am.
My mum has always just let my brothers "walk " over her and not said a thing and yes now it's up to her to say something not me. I'm just fed up of listening to her moan about them and then vice versa, them about her, driving me crazy. Had a long hard think about this last night and I've decided I'm not willing to listen to any of them moan about each other and I'm going to make that clear when I next speak to them.
My mum has always just let my brothers "walk " over her and not said a thing and yes now it's up to her to say something not me. I'm just fed up of listening to her moan about them and then vice versa, them about her, driving me crazy. Had a long hard think about this last night and I've decided I'm not willing to listen to any of them moan about each other and I'm going to make that clear when I next speak to them.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
feebell, I agree with not getting in between your siblings and mother. If she moans about them, then she needs to be the one who talks to them directly, and it's worth suggesting this when she starts. Frankly your Bs sound like they take her for granted; I've had this from my children at times but I've sorted it out myself without involving anyone else in the family. Your AM's counselling could well address this if it's a big issue for her.
If you're female, which it sounds like, chances are you'll be the one who is there the most for your AM (cos that's usually how it is). It can be a great advantage if you become closer to her, but don't take on your brother's roles too. If they're slacking off you won't be the only one who notices.
If you're female, which it sounds like, chances are you'll be the one who is there the most for your AM (cos that's usually how it is). It can be a great advantage if you become closer to her, but don't take on your brother's roles too. If they're slacking off you won't be the only one who notices.
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