NOLAGirl

Yeah it's her life, but she is dying a horrific death. She has an option right now that might prevent that or at least give her more time to spend with her family. But obviously she has chosen not to fight and I have a right to be angry/hurt/distraught over it. I argued with her in a moment of fear and desperation. I ultimately knew it wouldn't change her mind, but it made me feel like I was saying everything I possibly could to leave no doubt in my mind that I had tried to help her. But I can't help her and I'll "work my program" as you say by deciding what's best for me.

biminiblue

I'm really sorry, NolaGirl. Is there maybe a middle ground for you between arguing with her and cutting her out completely?

All the hugs for you.

NOLAGirl

Ah, I should clarify that I have no intention of arguing with her anymore to make a choice (rehab) that is only within her ability to make. The pleading would be for her to go to the hospital if she were to be vomiting blood once more. The agonizing and crying would come as a result of talking with her and knowing she is dying but not knowing when or how it will happen. These emotions/responses on my part are all things I could potentially prevent if I just cut contact with her. I have a young son I need to think about. I need to keep focused on my life, on taking care of my family and pursuing what makes me happy. Her addiction, her continued brush with death, her lies, guilt and manipulation, all stand in opposition of what I want and need. Can I maybe find a way to not let her effect me so strongly? I will try. The easier option for me would be to estrange myself. I've said everything I want to say to her - I've told her I love her, I've told her I want her to be part of her grandson's life, I've told her I miss her and would love if we could have a relationship, I've told her if she got help I'd be immensely proud of her. If I have nothing left to say to her and she has no will to try anymore, I just don't know if it's worth it for me to make further effort.

makomago

Last year my AM was at a family wedding, I was there too. She was playing havoc for a drink and screaming 'blue murder' - my sisters and other relatives were doing the usual pleading, reasoning, arguing, shouting etc etc. My AM is not quite as far down the line (physically) as yours is I should from what I can make out, but her doctor has said 'the next drink could kill her'.

Anyway, what I did was to tell her her options; Drink, or don't drink - one is a painful death, the other is not. It's your choice, the consequences are yours to face etc etc

She had another drink and lived to tell the tale. But I said what I said calmly and I think ultimately that approach was best for me.

As I write this now, I can't help but think that the choices above were simplified i.e. Drink and die a relatively quick BUT painful death from organ failure, or don't drink and die a relatively slow and painful death from your various mental issues!

What I'm saying is my Mums depressions and world view has meant she has tried to take her life a number of times, doing it through drinking is no different except in terms of 'time' and type of pain experienced.

There's no value judgement from me on her with that statement, just that sometimes allowing for her insanity I can see why her choices are insane and the futility (powerlessness) in my trying to reason with her. So I don't, anymore.

seasaw

Hi Nolagirl - I just saw my typo, 'how how', whoops! I guess I can't edit posts I make with my phone. Oh well!

I'm sure that if I had had SR in my corner, or a few of the other resources I have now, when I was still attached to my mom, people would have been saying 'you need to get out YESTERDAY,' before I was quite ready to do so, too. I should have gotten away from my mom way before I did. She was way beyond the point of no return - physically, for months, and mentally/emotionally probably my whole life! And by 'no return' I mean, capable of a) being a positive presence in my life, or hell even neutral and b) being able to make choices like competent, healthy adult human.

But for me, it was one thing to intellectually know something and another thing to reach a point, in my own emotional growth, my own life story, at which I could make a choice that reflected knowledge. Cutting your connection to your mother to the point where you've accepted that she may die an incredibly sad and painful death, alone, is no small thing. I can say, though, that I'm PROUD OF MYSELF for having done so. It took her doing some incredibly selfish, unhealthy, ultimately abusive stuff to get me there, and it took me waking up to realizing that's what it was - abuse, in an unchosen relationship. Was she capable of learning and growing and choosing to alter her behavior? Absolutely not. Was I going to keep voluntarily participating in that cycle? Absolutely not.

Of course, our situations are all unique. My mother has, I believe, undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder on top of her addiction issues.

She is refusing the proper care and treatment for the illness she has. So.... That's on HER.

I can totally relate to the notion of wanting to check every box of what you can say and do before leaving the scene. Before I cut ties with my mom I signed POA over to a non-profit who could do all the things I was taking care of, and anything else she needed, from giving her a ride to the store to finding her a treatment center if she ever had a lightbulb moment. I just found out recently she fired them and is planning to sue them!! Haha. She's so LITIGIOUS! Whatever. Just goes to show. There's just nothing you can do, after a certain point.