happybeingme

They did the best they could. I think many of us realize how false that statement is. But, what about us? Those of us who are parents. Have we done our best. I must admit this question haunts me at times.

I always vowed I would do better than my parents. That my kids would have a better life than I did. But, I know without doubt that some of the traits I hate most that my mother has I have as well. Add in the life long mostly untreated depression and I recoil in horror at the thought of how much I may have damaged my kids.

So, have I done my best? If so, what about the dysfunction I know I have passed down? How do I figure it all out and can I try to fix it? Should I? They still live at home but are adults.

dbh

Hello Happy:

I can relate.

Somewhere over the course of my own adult child recovery, I started to see my alcoholic father as yet one more broken person in a long line of alcoholics. He was raised by two alcoholic during a time when not many people knew about 12-step work. I honestly believe that he just continued what he was used to.

He passed away almost five years ago. Prior to his death, I was able to forgive him. Not that I think it excuses what he did or didn't do as a father. The whole situation is still incredible sad to me. I had to learn to accept the father and family that I got.

Forgiving him helped me more than it did him. Forgiving him also helped me forgive myself for hurtful things that I have done to others prior to my own recovery.

I am ever so grateful for my recovery. Having children actually pushed me to get healthier. I remember being scared when I started noticing some of my mother's unhealthy coping straegies in myself. I so desperately want the cycle of my family's dysfunction to end with me!

I am far from perfect though. I try to continue to improve how I interact in this world and set a good example for my children.

They know that I still occationally go to therapy and that I seek out support groups when things get tough. I apologize when I am wrong.

I have warned them about addiction and mental illness (both run in our family). I hope that they will reach out for help if they find that they need it in the future.

Thanks for letting me share.

db

happybeingme

Thank you for sharing db. I came to recovery rather late in the game where it regards my children. I tried my hardest to do better than I got but know it was still not enough. Now I keep a watchful eye on things. I try to always model the healthiest behavior and when I see things go off with my son's I try to gently steer them to a healthier way. I hope it is good enough

GracieLou

At some point a living amends is all we can do. We can't go back and fix anything, the past is the past.

While my mother was not an alcoholic, she is a narcissist and she was the only example I had. What a mother is like, a woman, a friend, a wife etc. I didn't know there was another way.

I know now and the only thing I can do is to take what I have learned and apply it to my life today. I think that is all anyone can do.

NWGRITS

No, I'm not doing my best. I am constantly failing my children. I'm working on it, but those traits I inherited - both genetically and through exposure - are so hard to fight. I KNOW I should do better. I'm just not executing it well at all. My fuse is extra short right now because I've been sick for over a month and am mostly bedridden. I'm essentially a single mom at home with three kids because of my husband's work demands. It's overwhelming.

MikeH

You're doing the best you are capable of...

And, I think, although kids might not verbalize this (even to themselves, maybe), they know this in their hearts...

Makes a big difference, IMHO, between a parent that's TRYING, as opposed to a narcissistic parent who only cares about themselves and doesn't love their kids...

thotful

As for my relationship with my parents, I still love both of them very much. Warts and all. Failures/mistakes and all. What has upset me more than anything else is feeling my parents don't see me truly as I am. They hide things from me (even as an adult) or deny that they even exist.

I think honesty with your children could go a long way. Just admitting that you're not perfect, you're trying your best, etc.

I am reminded of one thing my counselor once said. For whatever reason, he assigned me a task to work on UNDERSTANDING my wife. I asked him how I should do that. He said, "ask her". I was like, "what do you mean?" He said that I needed to ask her, and if she said "no, I don't feel understood," then I don't understand. I could not claim understanding my wife, until she said so. It meant that I needed to work on my listening. I didn't have to agree (I OFTEN mix-up understanding and agreement - they are different!).

I wonder if working on making sure your children feel understood would be important?

I admit I am not a parent yet (crossing fingers!), so I may have missed the mark with my ideas. I'm only trying to think of what I would like from my parents to improve my relationship with them. The stuff that has hurt really bad are the following:

1. Dad rarely calls me

2. Dad doesn't send b-day card, x-mas card, anniversary card, nothing. Nothing at all - not even mom. I don't even get a call on those days.

3. I rarely get e-mails. Just an e-mail to let me know how they're doing...or heck, does my dad want to know how I'm doing?

4. My mother denies the abuse that I have experienced with my siblings. I TRULY feel misunderstood with that. She doesn't have to agree to acknowledge how horrible I feel based on how some of my siblings have treated me.

5. My mother and father haven't really been able to ask me how I'm feeling (not how much money I have - how my job is doing - my house - the surface stuff). I mean, something like, "I'm so sorry you're dealing with infertility. Do you want to talk to me about it? How are you feeling? I'm here." Anything like that? Nope.

6. Do I know that mom or dad accept me as I am? Love me as I am? Do they tell me? If they do, how do they do that?

I realize that I can't make choices for them. So, I just try to do those things above for them. I don't know how I'll try to address what's missing from my relationship with my mother and father by filling the gaps with my realtionship with my children.

Who knows. I might just need to learn how to understand my child. Accept them. Love them. And let them know.

Only time will tell how I'm going to handle it. One step at a time. (looking forward to having a little one someday!)

OGK

" I must admit this question haunts me at times. "

Of all the wreckage I've cleared and am still actively clearing, this topic seems to be always at the head of the line for me. Until it's erraticated completely, knowing that I can identify the behavior as quickly as possible and try to correct it, is a huge positive affirmation for me. This much I know hap, I'm not my parents and simply identifying and doing my best to correct the behavior I fear, proves that I'm not, and that I am "better than". If nothing else, I can relate with you, 100%.
OGK

Sisterbobby

i am going to stop saying that and thinking that. thank you

NWGRITS

Thank you, Mike. I do have to remind myself often that I'm not my mother, and that my falling short isn't due to a lack of trying. I'm not putting myself before them in everything I do.