cheburg

I'm here. I know my alcoholic father (who just passed away this year and I loved dearly) caused more damage to me than I've ever realized. He hadn't drank for 25 years, stopped when I was in HS.

I found the listing of ACOA meetings in my area and due to kids and my work schedule I will be lucky to attend any at all.

I have a book on the way to read to gain some insight.

I have been going to counselor off and on (mostly off) for a few years now. Started going for divorce help and find myself going in about 3-4 times a year when stress and anxiety flare up. I tossed out the idea that some of my troubles could be coming from growing up with alcoholism in house. She didn't blow it off but she didn't seem to run with it either. Maybe she knows more than I do and wants to let me figure things out. Maybe I need to go more often and actually let the counseling work its course? I like counselor and feel a level of comfort but I wonder if I'm not doing enough or she isn't. Anyone ever have that thought?

If meetings are tough to get to what do you all recommend? Give counselor regular visits for a period of time and see how that goes? Find another? How far does posting on this forum seem to get people?

Thanks,

Cheese

NWGRITS

I've found that counseling and working on myself is almost a full-time job. I didn't get this way overnight, so I'm not going to get better overnight, either. When I made the commitment to become a functioning member of society, it became a regular part of my everyday life. You get out what you put in to recovery work.

Kialua

It certainly helped me to read this ACoA forum completely. The Stickies found above are a great resource, and the books listed. The other poster's blogs are very helpful as well. Participating online when you feel comfortable is valuable as well.
Welcome!

Chillly

For me, ongoing counseling has been an essential part of my life. It took years of living through difficult situations to build all your anxieties.

This can not be overcome by addressing it for 3-4 hours a year. Heck, if i'm in counseling for the rest of my life, I'm fine with that. In fact, it has been so helpful to me, that I look forward to having a team mate who is expressly concerned with helping me build and maintain positive methods of dealing with experiences and emotions.

I freakin love going to therapy. It's like many things in life, sometimes I really don't wanna go and listen to her blabbing, but I am always glad that I did it afterwards.


Good luck!

NWGRITS

I'm with Chilly here. I look forward to therapy. Someone is listening to me and affirming that I am not crazy/to blame/in the wrong for being estranged from my highly dysfunctional FOO.

cheburg

I will make regular appointments and work this out. I see that it isn't fixing itself.

I was thinking of the times when I know damage was being done by my fathers drinking.

I remember waiting to get picked up from basketball practice but he never showed. I was embarrassed so I said I saw him waiting across the street and walked home. Didn't want to explain why he wasn't there.

I remember having fishing/camping gear out to go on trip with father. Either he didn't come home until 2am or he got up and left for work before I got up, either way I remember being very disappointed. Trip never happened.

I remember driving around with my mom on the way home from Saturday night mass to see which bar my dad's car was parked outside of.

I remember constant bickering and grumbling between parents. Not very many loud large fights. Just constant quiet one.

I remember sitting in the car at about 12 years old so my dad could run into a bar and suck down a quick beer.

I remember sitting in a bar while my dad and his cousin sat and got s**tfaced.

I see why I'm here.

The thing that is bothering me right now is how I take a piece of bad news and make a catastrophe out of it. I had a salesman come into my work and talk about a few bad things in my industry and within 10 minutes I was broke, looking for a job and disappointing my kids. To top it off I beat myself up so much I couldn't even name a job anyone would want to hire me for because in my mind I am no good at anything.

cheburg

I sure do start lots of sentences with "I"

DesertEyes

Hello cheburg, and welcome to our corner of recovery

No it doesn't. By definition it cannot. Can't fix a brain with the same brain that needs fixing

Same here. Although for me the details were a little different. I learned to take the public bus to the "L" every day after school. At about 10 yrs. old, in South Side Chicago. Not a fun neighborhood. That's not what hurt, it was having to _lie_ to my friends at school, the feeling that _I_ was not worthy of being picked up from school. That is what did the damage to my 10 year old self image.

Been there done that. In my case it's not that I make a catastrophe out of it. What happens is that I developed a _fantastic_ ability to protect myself from my parent's alcoholism. Knowing when to hide _before_ he came home went a long way to not getting hurt. In turn, that meant being able to "read" the feelings on my parents without them ever speaking. The sound of the car pulling up into the parking lot outside the apartment could tell me _worlds_ about how my father was feeling, how drunk he was, how angry. My mother acting just a _tiny_ bit different told me he'd been fired, again, and we were all due for a bruising.

Today my "radar" for bad news still works at 100%. I am _great_ at disaster planning and training on the job. What I have done is learned to control the "volume" on that radar. Now that I know it's just an exquisitely trained reflex I can let it sound the alarm and just _not_ take action. I can stop, think, evaluate the facts, and _then_ decide if I should run for the fire exit.

As others have said, it took a couple of good therapists and lots of work on _me_ to get to this point.

Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us.

Mike

Kialua

Yeah, my parents never attended a school or church function. Looking out at the crowd while on stage never seeing my parents but seeing other parents waving and smiling proudly with their child beaming back. Me slumped, ducking out to get home before the questions, "where's your mom?" Gets me every time.

irisgardens

The thing that is bothering me right now is how I take a piece of bad news and make a catastrophe out of it. I had a salesman come into my work and talk about a few bad things in my industry and within 10 minutes I was broke, looking for a job and disappointing my kids. To top it off I beat myself up so much I couldn't even name a job anyone would want to hire me for because in my mind I am no good at anything.


That describes me to a 't'--has been happening for a long time now.

NWGRITS

I wanted to pull a bunch of quotes out of your posts, but I'm on my phone. So I'll just take this one and run with it. My mother showed up to three band concerts in eight years. We had at least two a year, not including district competition performances. She DID show up to my middle school basketball games because being a cheerleader gave me status, and therefore gave her status. She never showed up to any little league football games in the five years I cheered for the rec department, though (peewee football and cheerleading were huge in my town). No status in rec cheer. Even my dad managed to show up to a couple football games, and he lived eight hours away! I never even mentioned anything about mom not being gone, because my grandmother was at every single practice, game/concert, and competition. She may be a raging codie, but she was genuinely selfless in her support of my activities.

Also, I am spectacular at making mountains out of molehills. It drives my husband bonkers. I have the added bonus of freaking out over small stuff, but not freaking out enough about the big stuff. I've been called cold and callous many times. I've learned recently that I have Aspergers, though, and that's one of my traits. Fun stuff.

NWGRITS

Ohohoh! I lied up there. I DID say something once at a football game, when someone asked where my mom was. I replied, "She's not here because she goes to the bar on Saturday mornings." I didn't know what it meant at 7 years old, but I knew where she was and what she was doing (drinking those smelly drinks in small glasses - Jim Beam and water. Only thing she ever drinks.). I got my ass beat for that. Also got in trouble for a remark about uncovering AM's stash, made during a thanksgiving dinner in Florida when I went to visit my sister one year on the yacht she worked on (I think I was 12). I had "humiliated" my sister, so she kicked the **** out of me later that night.