Stuck in the Middle
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
Stuck in the Middle
Hey folks, Paul recovering alcoholic here. Just posted this on another alcoholism forum then realised it probably belongs here! Not sure what I'm trying to say but appreciate the chance to say it:
Just found out this week my uncle, a drinker, passed away after an extended drinking bout. Already the good old fashioned Irish Catholic Family dynamics are kicking in....no one wants to talk about the obvious...the drink. Some things in our family you just don't say
So the story is at least he died in his bed, a peaceful death. He died the way HE would have wanted to. No mention of the six empty whiskey bottles...some things best left unsaid. Mention that he had been missing for days, the last time he was seen was at a family celebration drunk with everyone else...some things best unsaid.*
My father tells me he won't be going to the funeral. The last time they spoke was 25 years ago, at their own mothers funeral. My uncle had offered a hand of friendship, my father turned it down. My dad asked me now not to pass on his number...he doesn't want to speak to anyone else either. I called and passed on the message...unsure whether to defend him, lie to protect their feelings or just speak the truth.
*My mother says she'll go to the funeral as long as dad isnt there. I wondered for a while what to say...wether to tell her he won't be going or keep it in confidence. Wonder even whether to tell her I have spoken to him. The fact that I even speak to my dad seems to make her angry...mentioning him brings up feelings she doesn't want to deal with. The suggestion is made that I have divided loyalties, that I am inconsiderate.*
My father left when I was young. For some years I tried to keep in contact but it was uncomfortable...mum and brother made it clear they didn't understand why I felt the need. They disapproved. Eventually I stepped back...stopped making the first move...and so did dad. We had no contact for 15 years. It felt like a relief. ..didnt have to deal with the awkwardness anymore, the sense of being disloyal, the sense of wanting to talk about my feelings but that not being ok...that being abnormal somehow. The feeling that if I met my dad I was somehow in the doghouse for weeks after.*
When I first got sober I reached out and got in touch with dad again...almost the hardest thing I had ever done but I knew I needed to do it for lots of reasons. Because I had to, and because I had to deal with the sense of being torn...of making decisions on the basis of trying not to upset anyone else instead of doing what I needed to do. I risked anger or rejection from my mum, my brother because I needed to do something for me, come to terms with what I never came to terms with. For a little while I still kept it secret then finally I found a way to tell mum. For some reason, this was also one of the hardeat things I ever did.*
Whats going on in the family now is bringing everything back up again. So sick of the lying, the half-truths and the things left unsaid. So sick of the being asked to take responsibility for other peoples feelings. So sick of the part of me that finds it so hard to look after me and put my own needs first in a healthy way.
*Five years away from my last drink, I know that nobody made me drink...I wasn't responsible for my alcoholism and neither was anybody else. I also know that all of this was absolutely a part of how I came to be what I was...the people issues, the co-dependancy, the disfunction is part of the DNA of alcoholism for me and for many others I know. Take away the drink and this is what I have to deal with on a daily basis...my reliance on other people, on what they think of me and how they make me feel Finding a way through it is sometimes a long slog.*
This week I have been thinking about Fear...the fear that other people will be angry with me. It makes me do cartwheels...trying to find the one course of action where noone could possibly be angry...because I couldnt deal with that. Turn it over and worry about my actions for days...because im sure someone is displeased with me.*I'm a people-pleaser, a chameleon, a master manipulator...and it all comes from Fear, from insecurity. Only way to stay sober for me...deal with that, the root cause of the problem. Because I can't afford to drink....don't want to end up like my uncle or my dad. Grateful I don't have to but feeling some things right now
P
Just found out this week my uncle, a drinker, passed away after an extended drinking bout. Already the good old fashioned Irish Catholic Family dynamics are kicking in....no one wants to talk about the obvious...the drink. Some things in our family you just don't say
So the story is at least he died in his bed, a peaceful death. He died the way HE would have wanted to. No mention of the six empty whiskey bottles...some things best left unsaid. Mention that he had been missing for days, the last time he was seen was at a family celebration drunk with everyone else...some things best unsaid.*My father tells me he won't be going to the funeral. The last time they spoke was 25 years ago, at their own mothers funeral. My uncle had offered a hand of friendship, my father turned it down. My dad asked me now not to pass on his number...he doesn't want to speak to anyone else either. I called and passed on the message...unsure whether to defend him, lie to protect their feelings or just speak the truth.
*My mother says she'll go to the funeral as long as dad isnt there. I wondered for a while what to say...wether to tell her he won't be going or keep it in confidence. Wonder even whether to tell her I have spoken to him. The fact that I even speak to my dad seems to make her angry...mentioning him brings up feelings she doesn't want to deal with. The suggestion is made that I have divided loyalties, that I am inconsiderate.*
My father left when I was young. For some years I tried to keep in contact but it was uncomfortable...mum and brother made it clear they didn't understand why I felt the need. They disapproved. Eventually I stepped back...stopped making the first move...and so did dad. We had no contact for 15 years. It felt like a relief. ..didnt have to deal with the awkwardness anymore, the sense of being disloyal, the sense of wanting to talk about my feelings but that not being ok...that being abnormal somehow. The feeling that if I met my dad I was somehow in the doghouse for weeks after.*
When I first got sober I reached out and got in touch with dad again...almost the hardest thing I had ever done but I knew I needed to do it for lots of reasons. Because I had to, and because I had to deal with the sense of being torn...of making decisions on the basis of trying not to upset anyone else instead of doing what I needed to do. I risked anger or rejection from my mum, my brother because I needed to do something for me, come to terms with what I never came to terms with. For a little while I still kept it secret then finally I found a way to tell mum. For some reason, this was also one of the hardeat things I ever did.*
Whats going on in the family now is bringing everything back up again. So sick of the lying, the half-truths and the things left unsaid. So sick of the being asked to take responsibility for other peoples feelings. So sick of the part of me that finds it so hard to look after me and put my own needs first in a healthy way.
*Five years away from my last drink, I know that nobody made me drink...I wasn't responsible for my alcoholism and neither was anybody else. I also know that all of this was absolutely a part of how I came to be what I was...the people issues, the co-dependancy, the disfunction is part of the DNA of alcoholism for me and for many others I know. Take away the drink and this is what I have to deal with on a daily basis...my reliance on other people, on what they think of me and how they make me feel
Finding a way through it is sometimes a long slog.*This week I have been thinking about Fear...the fear that other people will be angry with me. It makes me do cartwheels...trying to find the one course of action where noone could possibly be angry...because I couldnt deal with that. Turn it over and worry about my actions for days...because im sure someone is displeased with me.*I'm a people-pleaser, a chameleon, a master manipulator...and it all comes from Fear, from insecurity. Only way to stay sober for me...deal with that, the root cause of the problem. Because I can't afford to drink....don't want to end up like my uncle or my dad. Grateful I don't have to but feeling some things right now
P
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