Mirage74

I've been screwed over by my family so many times I can't even count them. The worst part is they continue to do it to this day despite my contempt for this. They simply do not seem to care or think it's even wrong to do this. They practically take pride in their terrible behavior. How do you live with yourself when you do those sorts of things to your own blood. Just had to say this. That is all.

suki44883

I've heard the term "scapegoat" used for things like this. For whatever reason, family members all seem to gang up on one particular person for, again, whatever reason.

Whether or not they feel justified in their actions, you don't have to put up with it. We can't choose our families, but we can choose not to put ourselves into a position of being treated badly. I know I've had to distance myself, and in one case, completely remove myself from the presence of certain family members who are toxic. Perhaps, you might consider the same?

Mirage74

You hit the nail on the head, Suki, thanks for posting that. Yea, I am working on my options for dealing with this, as they are relentless. Your post really makes things more clear, thanks again.

Dee74

I had to cut myself off from my family for a few years. It was the best thing I ever did.
The relationship has totally changed now.

Is that an option for you mirage?

D

suki44883

Just know that you're not alone. This happens in many families. It's sad, but it happens. (((HUGS)))

EveningRose

It's so common that 'scapegoat' is one of the four recognized roles of children in alcoholic/dysfunctional families.

I grew up having my mother tell me I was 'imagining things' and playing the martyr instead of recognizing that in fact, they were just telling me the truth and calling me on my (supposed) bad behavior.

I moved away for more than a dozen years. When I came back in my mid-30s, I watched my sister (who has had many melt downs aimed at various people over the years) go into major rages against one of my children and me. Long story short, I refused to go to her home after the second one, and was eventually told by my father that her rages were really my fault, that I 'deserved' it. I pointed out to him that I don't treat any of them like that, ever, and his response was, "That's because we're not annoying."



Uh...yeah. As you can imagine, I could certainly compile a lengthy list of things they've done that are indeed annoying!

At that point, I understood clearly that there is a serious dysfunction if they can watch her go into a rage--just like the rages she'd been going into for years while I lived 2,000 miles away--and tell me with a straight face that a 40 year old woman's rages are my fault. That's not even rational.

I have simply quit going to any family events.

NWGRITS

You treat people how to treat you. If you refuse to put up with it, then they can't do it to you. Cutting off the vast majority of my FOO was the best thing I ever did. I talk to my dad's side, but I only speak to two people on AM's side. They are the only two rational people in the bunch of crazies I got for maternal relatives!

MikeH

I'm going through this with my own family right now. Earlier today, (before seeing this thread) I was thinking about some of the common "themes" that run through conversations here, and, unfortunately, one of those is how bad the family treats us when we are trying to fix ourselves. Sometimes, all you can do is separate from them, which isn't always possible.

Hang in there, but try to keep your distance...

tromboneliness

Yup -- they can't stand it when you start showing up with some tools, and they can't pull their sh*t and manipulate you anymore. Drives 'em crazy!



T