maca1028

Hello and Merry Christmas everybody! I am pretty new to this site and I first posted my situation on the FandF of alcoholism board. Through that thread someone recommended this board to me. Today is my mothers birthday, she is a "functioning alcoholic," something that she and my grandparents refuse to admit. I haven't spoken to her since the day I told her to get help with her problem before we continue our relationship, that was right around Halloween. I did tell her that I would help in any way possible to overcome this road block in her life. I tried to contact her a for few days after the fact and she would not take my calls and I eventually let it go. I have been dreading this day for a few weeks now, not knowing how to go handle it, should I call her and simply wish her a happy birthday, try to go see her, or just let it pass, that is a decision I will need to make in the next 12 plus hours. The main part about my situation is that I have 2 beautiful children and a very supportive and loving wife, but at times I feel like I am tough to be around because of the stress all of this has caused me. I feel guilty at times for what I've done, I think a big part of that is because my grandparents don't approve of it since I am taking my kids out of her life due to her drinking. I look for excuses to give in, the kids have never seen her drunk, she doesn't have problems at work that I know of because of her drinking, she is an at home drinker so she has never gotten in trouble with the law. So why am I demanding she quit drinking? There was an existing disagreement between my wife and I vs. my mom and grandparents that hadn't been resolved before I asked her to get help but that's for another discussion. Before that every evening that I would talk to her on the phone, whether it was a work night or not, she was slurring and sometimes couldn't remember previous conversations we had. Other than the drinking I have had a problem with the lack of time she spent with her grand baby's. She almost always made the important stuff but we never felt welcomed to just show up for a quick visit. I'm afraid if I contact her today she is going to ask me to see the kids and it's going to break my heart to deny her of that again. I have never been good dealing with conflict in my family, I was always the quiet one who tries to keep the peace, I am quite the opposite in my professional life, imagine that. I think they, meaning my mom and grandparents, have all been taken back by my sudden decisiveness since they have been so used to the mild mannered, go with the flow, make everyone happy, son/grandson. I could go on for a while so I'll wrap it up here. I have read a few threads on this board and there looks to be some good people here who can relate to my situation. I will try to keep updates rolling in and help others as best I can, so glad I found this place. God Bless you all and Happy Holidays!

resolute50

"I'm afraid if I contact her today she is going to ask me to see the kids and it's going to break my heart to deny her of that again."

So why say no?
You should be thankful she wants to see the kids.
Just have her come to your house sober.
Set down a few boundaries and put this behind you.

Kialua

Hi welcome. My dad was a functioning alcoholic, but he would still explode at home whenever he wanted to so having my kids around him wasn't a priority for me. Of course a dad really didn't care about grandkids, it must be harder for a mom.

Allowing the alcoholic into our kids lives is a very emotional and well thought out decision. I visited my parents for less than 3 hours about once a month until my alcoholic fathers death. I never once left my kid in their care. I sent birthday cards and Christmas gifts just to appear normal to my kids. But they really weren't a part of our life until my dad died. I had a lot of emotional distance from my parents and what I participated in was strictly on my terms when and where I wanted. I never explained to my kids about my parents until they were nearly 18. After my dad died we had a different life with my mom, but it still wasn't pretty. But I was a good daughter and made sure between my siblings and I that she had what she needed and included her whenever I could.

Luckily my inlaws filled the gap.

Only you know what would work for your family. If you can do an hour and then run so be it. Let us know how it goes.

And talk about trying to find a Happy Birthday Mom card is whole 'nuther thread we've had here. So hard. I ended up looking for just Mom on the front and only Happy Birthday on the inside. They were so mushy and so alien to my life I just couldn't buy them. Made a lot of them just to avoid having to read through the happy life cards that others got buy.

maca1028

Well, I just got off the phone with my mom, it was a VERY pleasant 10 minute conversation. We just "caught up" so to speak. Didn't talk about any of the serious stuff. She thanked me for the birthday wishes we left it at that. We'll see where it goes from here.

NWGRITS

I'm glad your conversation went well. In my experience, alcoholics don't view other people as people. Especially children. They are usually just pawns in the disgusting alcoholic game of guilt and dysfunction. My family throws around talk of my kids like they're some type of trophy that is getting passed around. "Oh look! See my beautiful grandchildren who I could give a sh*t less about! Look at me! Look at me!" The children don't deserve to be caught in the middle of these issues. Kids place so much blame on themselves for everything that happens in the home, and exposing them to that environment just reinforces their negative feelings. Again, in my 30 years of experience with an AM as well as 8 years of parenting with an A for my children's grandmother. A's aren't capable of love in a capacity that you and I recognize. The addiction is their only true love until they find sobriety and clear all the crap out of their heads.

maca1028

Just got some pretty ugly texts from my mom just a couple of days after our "good" conversation. I think I'm down at this point. Every time one thing positive happens it's followed by 2 negatives, I am not exaggerating, that has literally been the case over the last 6 months. I am focusing solely on the family that lives under this roof and no one else.

Kialua

Oh that's too bad. Well focusing on your family is best. I hope you have a happy Christmas in spite of the negative messages. Know that its the disease talking. Hugs

NWGRITS

Sadly, I know that feeling all too well. I could always tell when she was either a) just getting into the day's drinking (being a little demeaning) b) well into it (calling me a b*tch and typing like a first grader -no offense to first graders) or c) coming out of a bender (insulting, but with ass kissing mixed in). This was usually email, since she only started texting long after I went NC (or so I've heard). For phone calls, I could tell within seconds of her answering the phone. It's a lot easier to not even have to worry about that anymore. I haven't gotten a phone call, email, or letter from her in... a year, I guess. Not regretting it at all.