i am just beginning to understand my husband
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: cambridge
Posts: 4
i am just beginning to understand my husband
I am the spouse of an adult child of an alcoholic. I have been married 30 years and have 5 daughters. I love my husband more than I can express. this year , he dropped a big "bomb".. said he was not sure he loved me, not sure about this marriage and not sure why " I settled for him" I will never be able to explain the shock... ever. He has been the most perfect of husbands and father.. other than my inability to intimately emotionally bond or reach him... I was happy. I accepted what I could not change and the good far outweighed the bad. I thought it was a mid life crisis . We went to counselling . I could describe my childhood in under 10 mintes... it took over an hour to collect his family history. At 3 he witnessed his alcoholic father beat his mother almost to death. He never saw his mother again until he was 28. He thought she was dead his entire childhood He was raised by his alcoholic extremely abusive father and a string of women. It was while listening to him that I could see big issues. I googled adult children of alcoholics and could see the EXACT description and characteristics of my husband and finally understood all the issues in my marriage. So here I am... not sure what to do to save this marriage. Counsellor says he has profoundly entered the "perfect storm" and had much pain to release and years of counselling. I could stand by him... I could continue to love him and support him.. if I understood why he blames so much on ME. Why he talks of leaving ( since April) but never actually goes. He has hurt me beyond description and not sure how I will repair anything. He has almost every characteristic 100 %. He is over responsible, gives endlessly, cannot say no, fixes everyones problems, workaholic , emotionally unable to express himself and on and on it goes. He blames me for for controlling him, not loving him enough , never having a "say" and a long list of shocking revelations. I am want to help him.. as it is clear he is hurt and struggling. But I can barely give him anything.. as he has almost destroyed me. He has been someone else for 30 years.. now the mask is off and he wants "something for himself" ... counsellor says his struggle has " very little to do with me" .. but he will blame me. I have no idea what I am to do... If he wants to leave.. abandonment is not an issue... but he has made no move to actually leave. Someone... please.. explain this to me ... and tell me the best way to handle this... he is my entire life. what does he need from me? he has never been able to tell me... I need to know.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 08-10-2013 at 07:25 PM. Reason: Remove text accidentally copied from original post
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 5
I have been married to an adult child of an alcoholic for 18 years. He has always needed to enter a cave and withdraw but both his parents died in the past two years and since then he's gone into a meltdown. Unfortunately his behaviour became so destructive to our family that I asked him to leave last week.
He has been diagnosed as depressed and been in therapy for 2 months. Both of our children dont want him in the house until he is 'better'.
Today i went to a therapist for the first time for me, to try and understand why our love for him isnt enough. I still dont truly understand but know more now - he is very angry, he is still a hurt child, he loves us and wants to please us but also resents the responsibility, he doesnt feel he deserves love or to be happy, his safe place is away from us, he wants to hurt me, he hates himself for that, he's scared of me, he has enormous guilt. If he heals it will take a very long time.
I have known my husband for 26 years, he is a part of me but our 16 year old son has told me he no longer respects his Dad and our 11 year old daughter just want things to be better, even if that means Daddy cant live here anymore.
My heart is broken. I cannot believe the consequence of losing us isnt enough to make him see how lucky he is.
He is living on his own and continuing with the therapy.
He took the children out for dinner last night and it went well.
I am recovering from adrenal fatigue and have lost most of the sight in one eye from glaucoma, I am due for more surgery on the other eye soon so the stress of not knowing what our future is is very bad.
I do not understand either but am trying....
He has been diagnosed as depressed and been in therapy for 2 months. Both of our children dont want him in the house until he is 'better'.
Today i went to a therapist for the first time for me, to try and understand why our love for him isnt enough. I still dont truly understand but know more now - he is very angry, he is still a hurt child, he loves us and wants to please us but also resents the responsibility, he doesnt feel he deserves love or to be happy, his safe place is away from us, he wants to hurt me, he hates himself for that, he's scared of me, he has enormous guilt. If he heals it will take a very long time.
I have known my husband for 26 years, he is a part of me but our 16 year old son has told me he no longer respects his Dad and our 11 year old daughter just want things to be better, even if that means Daddy cant live here anymore.
My heart is broken. I cannot believe the consequence of losing us isnt enough to make him see how lucky he is.
He is living on his own and continuing with the therapy.
He took the children out for dinner last night and it went well.
I am recovering from adrenal fatigue and have lost most of the sight in one eye from glaucoma, I am due for more surgery on the other eye soon so the stress of not knowing what our future is is very bad.
I do not understand either but am trying....
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Goodness, my heart goes out to you both. I cannot imagine anything so horrible.
I cannot tell you anything about your husands. All I can do is give you a few generalities that apply to me as an ACoA in the hopes you find something useful.
As a child I was raised in what is today called a "toxic" environment. Basically, it was abusive at all levels. The little kid I was learned to survive by developing quick reflexes and adopting behaviors and attitudes that allowed him to avoid or deflect all the assaults that were a constant danger. The most important aspect of those assaults is that they were _random_. Dysfunctional parents act in crazy ways whether children are present, or not.
I learned, during my recovery, that the science of psychology has found that _random_ events cause the deepest learning in living beings. A child that is beat every time the parent comes home learns to fear the opening door and the footsteps of the parent. This child will loose the fear after some years away from the parent. It may require putting great distance from the family home, and carpeting every inch of their new home, including the bathroom.
A child that is randomly beat by a parent will never find a "signal" that indicates the impending abuse. This child will then fear _all_ people, especially authority figures. This child will never find a means to find a "safe place" once they leave the family home because there never was any kind of "signal" that can be avoided in adulthood.
That child was me.
Emotionally, I was stuck somewhere around 5 years old, because I never had the chance to find out what it was like to be a child... and grow out of it. I was too busy running and hiding and never had the experiences normal children have. When I became an adult those terrified emotions of the child were still there, but now I was too busy being an adult and trying hard to keep those emotions under control.
What I had to do in my recovery was _slowly_ create an equivalent experience as an adult. I learned how to fly kites, and learned how to _enjoy_ the experience. I learned how to juggle, how to be a magician, and then a clown. Some people said I was having a second childhood, I knew it was my first.
I was terrified of all people, and when I lived in an apartment alone I was still terrified. I moved constantly because I could never find a place where I felt safe. It took me years of good therapy and group recovery to slowly learn the correct "signals" for danger in the adult world. I had to _replace_ my childhood reflexes of "the world is always dangeroud" to "some places and people are dangerous, but not all".
The secret of my recovery was to realize that what I was treating was really an abused child, whose reflexes had been fashioned by abuse, and whose emotions and expectations were still directing my actions as an adult. That is the "inner child" that is spoken of in therapy. My "inner child" grew up quickly once I started therapy, but it was still several years.
I hope some of this will be helpful. Please feel free to toss out any questions you may have. That is the whole purpose of SoberRecovery.
Mike
Moderator, SR
I cannot tell you anything about your husands. All I can do is give you a few generalities that apply to me as an ACoA in the hopes you find something useful.
As a child I was raised in what is today called a "toxic" environment. Basically, it was abusive at all levels. The little kid I was learned to survive by developing quick reflexes and adopting behaviors and attitudes that allowed him to avoid or deflect all the assaults that were a constant danger. The most important aspect of those assaults is that they were _random_. Dysfunctional parents act in crazy ways whether children are present, or not.
I learned, during my recovery, that the science of psychology has found that _random_ events cause the deepest learning in living beings. A child that is beat every time the parent comes home learns to fear the opening door and the footsteps of the parent. This child will loose the fear after some years away from the parent. It may require putting great distance from the family home, and carpeting every inch of their new home, including the bathroom.
A child that is randomly beat by a parent will never find a "signal" that indicates the impending abuse. This child will then fear _all_ people, especially authority figures. This child will never find a means to find a "safe place" once they leave the family home because there never was any kind of "signal" that can be avoided in adulthood.
That child was me.
Emotionally, I was stuck somewhere around 5 years old, because I never had the chance to find out what it was like to be a child... and grow out of it. I was too busy running and hiding and never had the experiences normal children have. When I became an adult those terrified emotions of the child were still there, but now I was too busy being an adult and trying hard to keep those emotions under control.
What I had to do in my recovery was _slowly_ create an equivalent experience as an adult. I learned how to fly kites, and learned how to _enjoy_ the experience. I learned how to juggle, how to be a magician, and then a clown. Some people said I was having a second childhood, I knew it was my first.
I was terrified of all people, and when I lived in an apartment alone I was still terrified. I moved constantly because I could never find a place where I felt safe. It took me years of good therapy and group recovery to slowly learn the correct "signals" for danger in the adult world. I had to _replace_ my childhood reflexes of "the world is always dangeroud" to "some places and people are dangerous, but not all".
The secret of my recovery was to realize that what I was treating was really an abused child, whose reflexes had been fashioned by abuse, and whose emotions and expectations were still directing my actions as an adult. That is the "inner child" that is spoken of in therapy. My "inner child" grew up quickly once I started therapy, but it was still several years.
I hope some of this will be helpful. Please feel free to toss out any questions you may have. That is the whole purpose of SoberRecovery.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Mike's take on this really sums it up well. I wasn't in a physically abusive home, but there was plenty of verbal and emotional abuse. I learned from the best when it came to blame shifting, guilt, shirking responsibility for my own actions, and manipulation. I'm 30 years old and have just recently started trying to break the cycle. I see my alcoholic mother in myself when I yell at the kids due to MY unrealistic expectations of them, or projecting the frustration with myself onto them. I still have accountability issues and I suffer from depression and bipolar disorder. Trying to "make it right" after decades of abuse and dysfunction takes time, and just like for the A it can be uncomfortable. We, too have to face our demons head-on, and it can be so overwhelming. Maybe talk to your husband's therapist and see if he has any suggestions.
This is so hard and I really feel for you. My husband has seen so much from me that would have made any rational person leave, but he's still here. And I thank God every day for him because he helps bring me back when I start going into those dark places again. Hopefully your husband will feel the same way towards you in the future.
This is so hard and I really feel for you. My husband has seen so much from me that would have made any rational person leave, but he's still here. And I thank God every day for him because he helps bring me back when I start going into those dark places again. Hopefully your husband will feel the same way towards you in the future.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 5
Three years on from that last post!? My husband got sober but now things are even worse. He decided he wasnt an alcoholic and resented the label. He stopped going to AA a year ago. I found an empty bottle of vodka in his home office which he lied about and then said he had to test his not an alcoholic theory for himself. I let it go be ause i trusted him. He isnt drinking as he promised the children and doesnt feel he can have the "not an alcoholic so can have occassional drink" conversation yet. He now acts and admits to a huge amount of resntment and anger and blame towards me. I can feel his disdain. He makes awful accussations of how controlling and undermining i have been towards him our entire 20 year marriage. He rages at me and shows v little care or consideration. If i complain about anything such as repeatedly waking me up in the early hours because he likes to stay up late, i get rolling eyes and snide "slap wrist time now?" remarks. His business failed from his drinking years and he hasnt paid himself a salary for 15 months but im too scared to raise the subject with him. He says he cant be loving towards me yet because he has so many hurts to get over. I no lnger get defensive or angry. I just dont care anymore. Its just a huge waste.
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