Feeling sad
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5
Feeling sad
I've been reading through this forum for the last week or so, and I feel like I should introduce myself. I'm not sure where to start, and I don't want to go on and on; there is really too much to say in one post, I just wanted to dip my toe in.
Last week we returned from a visit with my dad. He has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. The last five years or so, though, his drinking has gotten even more out of control. He was always a steady daily drinker with frequent binges. Now he goes through periods of days or weeks drunk out of his mind. Classic benders. He hardly eats at all during these times. He is almost 70 years old and is amazingly healthy in spite of his drinking. I'm not really sure how long or how often he has been doing this, since he lives in a different state - but he drops out of communication or his communications get bizarre or incoherent all the time; I'm sure people here can relate to monitoring FB, etc to try and get an idea of how he's managing down there.
Anyway this last visit we must have caught him in the middle of one of these trips (not the first time this has happened). He spent most of the visit drinking in his room. When he came out he would try to hang out with us but just kept repeating himself over and over, etc. The last day, I had to pull him out of his room at noon to say goodbye. He didn't even realize we were leaving. Of course he was horrified and embarrassed (and wasted).
All week I've gone back and forth between feeling sad for him, and feeling angry that we spent a lot of time (and money) on a visit that was just depressing for me, and meaningless to him, since he'll hardly remember it. I have a teenage daughter and niece who don't need to see their grandfather that way. And it wears me out trying to protect him in their memories and in other ways.
My father also has other issues, among them, he is sexually inappropriate so I feel very guarded all the time while I'm there, from his comments and behaviors and also just from his general narcissism, he has a need to dominate every conversation or situation and seeks reassurance constantly.
Finally at home I had settled into being mad and ready to distance myself for a while emotionally when he realized it was my daughter's birthday, and called. He seemed embarrassed and sad, and at least partially sober, so now of course the pendulum swings the other way and I'm ready to call him in the morning just to reassure him that everything is okay.
Since I was a teenager I've been afraid my dad would commit suicide. And really, that may be what he's doing, in a roundabout way.
I said I wouldn't go on and on, but I have. It's just hard to slow down once it starts coming, and still I don't know that I've even scratched the surface. I just wanted to get that first post out of the way. It may be weeks before I make another one but I will be reading. It's such a relief to know I'm not alone. Thanks for anyone who's made it this far.
Last week we returned from a visit with my dad. He has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. The last five years or so, though, his drinking has gotten even more out of control. He was always a steady daily drinker with frequent binges. Now he goes through periods of days or weeks drunk out of his mind. Classic benders. He hardly eats at all during these times. He is almost 70 years old and is amazingly healthy in spite of his drinking. I'm not really sure how long or how often he has been doing this, since he lives in a different state - but he drops out of communication or his communications get bizarre or incoherent all the time; I'm sure people here can relate to monitoring FB, etc to try and get an idea of how he's managing down there.
Anyway this last visit we must have caught him in the middle of one of these trips (not the first time this has happened). He spent most of the visit drinking in his room. When he came out he would try to hang out with us but just kept repeating himself over and over, etc. The last day, I had to pull him out of his room at noon to say goodbye. He didn't even realize we were leaving. Of course he was horrified and embarrassed (and wasted).
All week I've gone back and forth between feeling sad for him, and feeling angry that we spent a lot of time (and money) on a visit that was just depressing for me, and meaningless to him, since he'll hardly remember it. I have a teenage daughter and niece who don't need to see their grandfather that way. And it wears me out trying to protect him in their memories and in other ways.
My father also has other issues, among them, he is sexually inappropriate so I feel very guarded all the time while I'm there, from his comments and behaviors and also just from his general narcissism, he has a need to dominate every conversation or situation and seeks reassurance constantly.
Finally at home I had settled into being mad and ready to distance myself for a while emotionally when he realized it was my daughter's birthday, and called. He seemed embarrassed and sad, and at least partially sober, so now of course the pendulum swings the other way and I'm ready to call him in the morning just to reassure him that everything is okay.
Since I was a teenager I've been afraid my dad would commit suicide. And really, that may be what he's doing, in a roundabout way.
I said I wouldn't go on and on, but I have. It's just hard to slow down once it starts coming, and still I don't know that I've even scratched the surface. I just wanted to get that first post out of the way. It may be weeks before I make another one but I will be reading. It's such a relief to know I'm not alone. Thanks for anyone who's made it this far.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South Pacific
Posts: 171
Hi Faw...
Addiction just catches up on people- we in the family just hope it might go away but mostly it never does.
I was always really afraid my dad would kill himself. He disclosed that he wanted to when I was nine. It was a terrible burdin on a kid.
We are the good ones [mostly], the copers and the triers. Sharing our ESH is one way of releasing that burden and getting on with our lives.
Lawdy knows we do serve this!
DavidG.
Addiction just catches up on people- we in the family just hope it might go away but mostly it never does.
I was always really afraid my dad would kill himself. He disclosed that he wanted to when I was nine. It was a terrible burdin on a kid.
We are the good ones [mostly], the copers and the triers. Sharing our ESH is one way of releasing that burden and getting on with our lives.
Lawdy knows we do serve this!
DavidG.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Welcome. Yes it is hard to stop once you start sharing, I know what that is like. To know that someone has lived your life and understands is so amazing. I'm glad you are reading through here, there is a lot of information to digest. Don't feel pressured to post if you don't want to, but please come back anytime you like.
It is good to shelter the kids from your Dad's behavior. Gets hard though, but it's worth it, at least until they are older and can understand it better.
It is good to shelter the kids from your Dad's behavior. Gets hard though, but it's worth it, at least until they are older and can understand it better.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5
Thank you all for your supportive comments! When I was reading through the posts some of them made me laugh out loud because it was like reading my own story. And sometimes it even is funny. Like the fridge full of Gatorade - is there an alcoholic instruction manual somewhere?
David, that is a terrible burden to carry, especially for a nine year old child...I'm so sorry. My dad never told me he wanted to kill himself, it was just something I sensed from him. After my parents divorced, due to his drinking and his affairs, he would get drunk and sob and cry to me, about how lonely he was and how much he missed my mom, and my sister and I, and how betrayed he felt. He even wrote me a song, about spending Christmas alone. He made me feel like I could crush him with a word, so I always felt like I had to do and say everything just the right way. It was like navigating a minefield. And I was in my teens. I am 40 now and it still is a huge burden to bear.
David, that is a terrible burden to carry, especially for a nine year old child...I'm so sorry. My dad never told me he wanted to kill himself, it was just something I sensed from him. After my parents divorced, due to his drinking and his affairs, he would get drunk and sob and cry to me, about how lonely he was and how much he missed my mom, and my sister and I, and how betrayed he felt. He even wrote me a song, about spending Christmas alone. He made me feel like I could crush him with a word, so I always felt like I had to do and say everything just the right way. It was like navigating a minefield. And I was in my teens. I am 40 now and it still is a huge burden to bear.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
They do know how to try to pluck those emotional heart strings. I did cut them early though. My AD would always cry the next day after he beat me, telling me how much he loved me. Yeah right. Thanks but no thanks. It's all about them. They are the child. We become the adult. Not fair. I've wrote before but the age they start drinking at is the maturity level they live with the rest of their life. And the age my Dad started at left him never entering adulthood. It's all about them and how they feel.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Kialua, that was one thing I came home with. I promised myself to do a better job establishing boundaries with my daughter. She is mature for her age and we're very close, and spend a lot of time together. I'm realizing I treat her like a peer sometimes and I need to make sure I'm not giving her more than she can handle or dumping my garbage on her. Such an incredibly selfish thing to do to a child. And even worse when it's a just a way to assuage the parent's own guilt for hurting the child. My dad never beat me at all; he was a yeller but the MO that bugged me the most, he would drop a nasty comment in a conversational tone, out of the blue, something really mean or maybe a guilt trip. And you'd be left scrambling for a response. And whatever topic triggered the comment would be added to your list of Things Never to Mention Around Dad.
I think I'm a pretty good parent but I came home in a panic, I am just so afraid of repeating those mistakes! Or that I'm acting inappropriately and am just completely unaware!
I did call him today. My sister told me something he had done that was sweet. He does have a genuinely sweet side. I felt like I needed to put the trip behind me. We had a good, relaxed conversation and I felt a lot better when I hung up the phone. He may be becoming more dysfunctional in some ways as he ages, but he is less mean. And I really don't know how much time he has left.
I think I'm a pretty good parent but I came home in a panic, I am just so afraid of repeating those mistakes! Or that I'm acting inappropriately and am just completely unaware!
I did call him today. My sister told me something he had done that was sweet. He does have a genuinely sweet side. I felt like I needed to put the trip behind me. We had a good, relaxed conversation and I felt a lot better when I hung up the phone. He may be becoming more dysfunctional in some ways as he ages, but he is less mean. And I really don't know how much time he has left.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
It can feel good to tell the kids but they don't need to hear it. It really burdens them with adult problems. Adult problems that we had to deal with when we were kids. Think of it as a gift to not tell them. I think I waited until mine were in high school. Then it was just that my dad their grandfather was an alcoholic and how that affects them is that they have to be very careful with alcohol and drugs and avoid it altogether if they can. I think it becomes useful as they enter the party phase. But still it was just helpful information for their benefit, not my emotional burdens placed on their shoulders.
Yes they can be very nice when they want to. When my father died his funeral was packed out the church with all the people he was nice to. I was shocked and didn't have a clue that he had this other life as the good guy.
Yes they can be very nice when they want to. When my father died his funeral was packed out the church with all the people he was nice to. I was shocked and didn't have a clue that he had this other life as the good guy.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Thanks, Kialua. My daughter is in high school and that's the line I've been trying to walk with her. I don't want her to take his behavior personally and think he's just forgotten her, or doesn't care. He does love his kids and grandkids very much.
I've talked to my daughter about avoiding alcohol in high school, not just because of my father and his alcoholism but because I drank a lot myself in high school and suffered serious consequences because of it. I drink occasionally now in social situations but it just doesn't appeal to me anymore. And I can't stand to be around people who are drunk. That's kind of a problem, because my husband is probably an alcoholic, too.
I've talked to my daughter about avoiding alcohol in high school, not just because of my father and his alcoholism but because I drank a lot myself in high school and suffered serious consequences because of it. I drink occasionally now in social situations but it just doesn't appeal to me anymore. And I can't stand to be around people who are drunk. That's kind of a problem, because my husband is probably an alcoholic, too.
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