Will I regret this?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Will I regret this?
My Dad is an alcoholic. He was violent and abusive to all of us growing up and things were not easy. And that's an under-statement.
My Mum has extreme anxiety and has spent her marriage putting him first at the expense of her children. No bitterness, I'm just saying it how it is.
As a result all 4 of us children grew up to have alcohol and/or drug issues to varying degrees. I'm the only one who has made any attempt to quit. They know I've stopped drinking but I've never discussed it with them other than to say its for health reasons.
The family dynamics are dysfunctional in the extreme. Any get togethers end messily in alcohol fuelled fights and tears. I've taken a HUGE step away from it all. I was always viewed as the one who would mediate and mend hurt feelings, but I decided quite early on in my sobriety that I wouldn't do this any more as I just became a part of the dynamic I was trying to avoid.
My Dad is ill and has been for some time. He has had cancer of the mouth caused by drinking and smoking and has had major surgery which has left him disfigured. He continues to drink and smoke.
I heard from my sister today that he has bronchitis and is confined to bed. He barely eats anyway because of his mouth and has had to be fed via a gastrostomy in the past. He is in poor shape but is still drinking. Drinking makes him angry and abusive. I'm still a bit scared of him.
I haven't gone to see him. I don't want to. He is a threat to my sobriety. But I'm wracked with guilt. If something happens to him, will I regret this?
My Mum has extreme anxiety and has spent her marriage putting him first at the expense of her children. No bitterness, I'm just saying it how it is.
As a result all 4 of us children grew up to have alcohol and/or drug issues to varying degrees. I'm the only one who has made any attempt to quit. They know I've stopped drinking but I've never discussed it with them other than to say its for health reasons.
The family dynamics are dysfunctional in the extreme. Any get togethers end messily in alcohol fuelled fights and tears. I've taken a HUGE step away from it all. I was always viewed as the one who would mediate and mend hurt feelings, but I decided quite early on in my sobriety that I wouldn't do this any more as I just became a part of the dynamic I was trying to avoid.
My Dad is ill and has been for some time. He has had cancer of the mouth caused by drinking and smoking and has had major surgery which has left him disfigured. He continues to drink and smoke.
I heard from my sister today that he has bronchitis and is confined to bed. He barely eats anyway because of his mouth and has had to be fed via a gastrostomy in the past. He is in poor shape but is still drinking. Drinking makes him angry and abusive. I'm still a bit scared of him.
I haven't gone to see him. I don't want to. He is a threat to my sobriety. But I'm wracked with guilt. If something happens to him, will I regret this?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,240
I had to place my family, siblings, parents
in the Hands and care of my Higher Power
or God of my understanding. My family situation
is similar to yours and im also faced with
questions that I will have to face one day.
My mom was the one to inflick verbal, physical,
emotional pain on me, just one of 4 kids she
beared. Why me? I often wonder, but with her
dealing or coping with her own demons mixed
with alcohol and prescription meds, i probably
was a reminder of her ownself as a child who
was also abused by her own mother.
Still in all, over the yrs. I endured her wrath
and entered recovery and thus made a decision
back then to divorce myself from my family of
orgin due to its unhealthiness.
I drank and tried to end my life because of
the pain, resentments, anger i held inside
because of my past and thru recovery I have
learned to live a more normal healthier life
for myself.
I learned in recovery to stay away from people,
places and things that would cause me to drink.
My family is those people I cant afford to subject
myself to because they are dangerous to my
own recovery and emotional stability.
Today and when the time comes to make that
same decision as you, I will pray for the right
guidance and choice from the Man upstairs. I
believe He will not give me anymore than I
cant handle as long as I have faith in Him.
Honor thy mother and father is a commandment
I was brought up to believe in and yet, I can't
forget the past and pain, but I can and have had
to forgive them who have pursecuted me.
Forgive them for they know not what they do.
He who is without sin cast the first stone. And
I am by no means a saint nor ever will be.
Just a few things that i reflect upon.
in the Hands and care of my Higher Power
or God of my understanding. My family situation
is similar to yours and im also faced with
questions that I will have to face one day.
My mom was the one to inflick verbal, physical,
emotional pain on me, just one of 4 kids she
beared. Why me? I often wonder, but with her
dealing or coping with her own demons mixed
with alcohol and prescription meds, i probably
was a reminder of her ownself as a child who
was also abused by her own mother.
Still in all, over the yrs. I endured her wrath
and entered recovery and thus made a decision
back then to divorce myself from my family of
orgin due to its unhealthiness.
I drank and tried to end my life because of
the pain, resentments, anger i held inside
because of my past and thru recovery I have
learned to live a more normal healthier life
for myself.
I learned in recovery to stay away from people,
places and things that would cause me to drink.
My family is those people I cant afford to subject
myself to because they are dangerous to my
own recovery and emotional stability.
Today and when the time comes to make that
same decision as you, I will pray for the right
guidance and choice from the Man upstairs. I
believe He will not give me anymore than I
cant handle as long as I have faith in Him.
Honor thy mother and father is a commandment
I was brought up to believe in and yet, I can't
forget the past and pain, but I can and have had
to forgive them who have pursecuted me.
Forgive them for they know not what they do.
He who is without sin cast the first stone. And
I am by no means a saint nor ever will be.
Just a few things that i reflect upon.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 63
Jeni26,
Are you working a program? Have you discussed this situation with your sponsor - friends in the program?
What do you do for other situations that are a threat to your sobriety???
In my experience being clear with my motives can sometimes determine whether I will regret or not.
Best wishes.
Vicki
Are you working a program? Have you discussed this situation with your sponsor - friends in the program?
What do you do for other situations that are a threat to your sobriety???
In my experience being clear with my motives can sometimes determine whether I will regret or not.
Best wishes.
Vicki
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Our lives are very similar. I did keep in contact with my parents but I was so emotionally detached that it had absolutely no affect on my sobriety or emotional health at all. I don't know if you could come to that place quick enough to see your Dad before he passes away. I didn't have a lot to do with them, just perfunctory visits and Christmas gifts. It requires a lot of unmerited forgiveness and no expectations. When my Dad did pass I have to admit I haven't missed him at all and have no regrets. I was the good guy, he did what he did but he didn't control my actions towards him. You can read my blog here if you'd like.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I'm in AA, going to a meeting and will chat to my sponsor about it tonight.
I'm almost 9 months sober and feeling strong in my own sobriety.
I do meet up with them a few times a year, and I'm able to cope with that now, and am usually emotionally detached.
I've a feeling this will be different though.
He could well recover from this latest bout of ill health and carry on slowly killing himself. I don't feel the end is necessarily here yet. But how I respond to this may well determine how I am from now on as his health fails.
I'm almost 9 months sober and feeling strong in my own sobriety.
I do meet up with them a few times a year, and I'm able to cope with that now, and am usually emotionally detached.
I've a feeling this will be different though.
He could well recover from this latest bout of ill health and carry on slowly killing himself. I don't feel the end is necessarily here yet. But how I respond to this may well determine how I am from now on as his health fails.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Jenni - I don't feel qualified to advise you, but you know you know you are special to me.
My story if it is of any help to you...
My grandad died a few years ago. Big drinker, prolific gambler, work shy, cruel, made my Dad's life and my nana's life a misery. Long term mistress he lived half the year with in another country, lived with my nana the other half. I was not scared of him though, but then again I never really knew him.
He had many near death experiences. Given the last rites numerous times, only to make a miraculous recovery the next week. It used to make me question the information passed to us that he was going to die soon, but anyway.
When he died, I went to visit him.
I said goodbye, knowing I would never see him again. I smiled at him, stroked his head. I didn't say if I loved him, because I do not know if I did. I think I saw him as just an old person who was dying after living life a bit too close to the edge. But he lived his life how he wanted to, so there was no sadness or pity from me.
Me now? He died, I have no guilt. I visited him, there was no drama. I did a bit of what was expected of me. No over the top declarations of love or forgiveness. I think I made a good job of it!
I felt nothing when he died. I was not sad. I don't miss him today. I won't miss him in the future. I won't change my mind either. No-one can criticise me for not doing the right or wrong thing. There can be no family arguments or blaming or shaming.
Most of all I wanted to safeguard myself from any bad feelings in the future and by doing what I did, I was able to.
My advice would be think about you and what type of person you are.
I know I am the sort to have regrets and worry if I did it right or if I could have done more. So anything I did, was 99% for my benefit.
However this was my grandad, not my Dad, so I see my experience as much less extreme as your situation. I did not live with him when I was younger and he was not a primary care giver.
I was not scared of him either, which is a big difference.
You will know what feels right and you will decide the right thing to do.
You are a strong woman Jenni who has come a long way.
You are kind and have a good heart.
Trust yourself too.
No-one knows you better than you do.
Much love to you
xxxx
My story if it is of any help to you...
My grandad died a few years ago. Big drinker, prolific gambler, work shy, cruel, made my Dad's life and my nana's life a misery. Long term mistress he lived half the year with in another country, lived with my nana the other half. I was not scared of him though, but then again I never really knew him.
He had many near death experiences. Given the last rites numerous times, only to make a miraculous recovery the next week. It used to make me question the information passed to us that he was going to die soon, but anyway.
When he died, I went to visit him.
I said goodbye, knowing I would never see him again. I smiled at him, stroked his head. I didn't say if I loved him, because I do not know if I did. I think I saw him as just an old person who was dying after living life a bit too close to the edge. But he lived his life how he wanted to, so there was no sadness or pity from me.
Me now? He died, I have no guilt. I visited him, there was no drama. I did a bit of what was expected of me. No over the top declarations of love or forgiveness. I think I made a good job of it!
I felt nothing when he died. I was not sad. I don't miss him today. I won't miss him in the future. I won't change my mind either. No-one can criticise me for not doing the right or wrong thing. There can be no family arguments or blaming or shaming.
Most of all I wanted to safeguard myself from any bad feelings in the future and by doing what I did, I was able to.
My advice would be think about you and what type of person you are.
I know I am the sort to have regrets and worry if I did it right or if I could have done more. So anything I did, was 99% for my benefit.
However this was my grandad, not my Dad, so I see my experience as much less extreme as your situation. I did not live with him when I was younger and he was not a primary care giver.
I was not scared of him either, which is a big difference.
You will know what feels right and you will decide the right thing to do.
You are a strong woman Jenni who has come a long way.
You are kind and have a good heart.
Trust yourself too.
No-one knows you better than you do.
Much love to you
xxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thanks Sasha.
You know, I've come far enough along in my programme to have forgiven him. I really have.
But, those feelings of fear and anxiety, well they don't fade quickly.
I just don't want to get dragged backwards.
I will make enquiries as to how he is, that will be a good step. For me, I don't think I could live with the guilt otherwise.
Maybe this isn't about me really, it is about caring for another alcoholic. One who hasn't ever had the strength to face what or who he is.
Thanks everyone x
You know, I've come far enough along in my programme to have forgiven him. I really have.
But, those feelings of fear and anxiety, well they don't fade quickly.
I just don't want to get dragged backwards.
I will make enquiries as to how he is, that will be a good step. For me, I don't think I could live with the guilt otherwise.
Maybe this isn't about me really, it is about caring for another alcoholic. One who hasn't ever had the strength to face what or who he is.
Thanks everyone x
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Regret can be avoided, and so why not avoid it?
Like you, I was raised in an atmosphere of selfishness and abuse. Like you, I chose a different life then did my siblings, my being the first, for decades, to become clean n' sober for life.
My parents don't drink now, yet they are lost in themselves, unable to parent their children and grandchildren without complicated issues arising. Their both in their eighties now. To their credit, they love each other, and they love their children notwithstanding the unresolved past issues.
I've had to separate myself from my family, or else I was doomed to an alcoholic death no less. Nothing changes if nothing changes, and I needed to change, and they all felt they could manage as they already were. Decades later, they all continue to struggle with their own lives, while my own struggles are long now over and done with, and I'm satisfied with my achievements and responsibilities.
I don't regret taking the higher road, even though I'm not longer able to "be with them" in so many family ways. I'm more or less accepted now as being the different one. I love them, and they love me, we just don't do the "family thing" any more. Its better this way when I remember how many times I and my family cross paths but rarely walk the same journey for very long at any one time. When I recently had my amputation surgery back in August, none of my original blood family came to visit me, and this was already agreed upon by me and them, before my hospital stay. My parents phoned once after I returned home, and my sister visited once in my home within 4 weeks of my surgery, as an example. My two brothers and I haven't spoke for years now, and my surgery was no exception to the status quo.
Do I regret the family breakdown?
No. It was always broken, but before we all pretended to patch this and fix that, when really, broken was the natural state of my family, to be honest. Sometimes not everything can be, or should be fixed. Sometimes its best to just let love take its course and what is is what it is.
For me, the sure way you'll chance regretting your actions with your family, particularly your ill father, is to not be true to yourself, your responsibilities, your dreams, your achievements, your successes, and your present challenges.
There are no easy answers within a seriously dysfunctional family. The best answers may not be workable in the present day, and so we often times do the right thing when we are honest with ourselves about what works and what doesn't.
You've managed to live your life in freedom now from many past family dynamics and delusions. I think the sure regret would be to turn your back on yourself, and just give into being the victim all over again. Whatever your choices ahead, make them for yourself.
I didn't turn my back on my family. I stopped being a victim. I have no regrets, and no lingering resentments for my actions. I didn't turn against them, I took the higher path offered to me. They were happy in their misery. I was not.
Have courage, Jeni.
Like you, I was raised in an atmosphere of selfishness and abuse. Like you, I chose a different life then did my siblings, my being the first, for decades, to become clean n' sober for life.
My parents don't drink now, yet they are lost in themselves, unable to parent their children and grandchildren without complicated issues arising. Their both in their eighties now. To their credit, they love each other, and they love their children notwithstanding the unresolved past issues.
I've had to separate myself from my family, or else I was doomed to an alcoholic death no less. Nothing changes if nothing changes, and I needed to change, and they all felt they could manage as they already were. Decades later, they all continue to struggle with their own lives, while my own struggles are long now over and done with, and I'm satisfied with my achievements and responsibilities.
I don't regret taking the higher road, even though I'm not longer able to "be with them" in so many family ways. I'm more or less accepted now as being the different one. I love them, and they love me, we just don't do the "family thing" any more. Its better this way when I remember how many times I and my family cross paths but rarely walk the same journey for very long at any one time. When I recently had my amputation surgery back in August, none of my original blood family came to visit me, and this was already agreed upon by me and them, before my hospital stay. My parents phoned once after I returned home, and my sister visited once in my home within 4 weeks of my surgery, as an example. My two brothers and I haven't spoke for years now, and my surgery was no exception to the status quo.
Do I regret the family breakdown?
No. It was always broken, but before we all pretended to patch this and fix that, when really, broken was the natural state of my family, to be honest. Sometimes not everything can be, or should be fixed. Sometimes its best to just let love take its course and what is is what it is.
For me, the sure way you'll chance regretting your actions with your family, particularly your ill father, is to not be true to yourself, your responsibilities, your dreams, your achievements, your successes, and your present challenges.
There are no easy answers within a seriously dysfunctional family. The best answers may not be workable in the present day, and so we often times do the right thing when we are honest with ourselves about what works and what doesn't.
You've managed to live your life in freedom now from many past family dynamics and delusions. I think the sure regret would be to turn your back on yourself, and just give into being the victim all over again. Whatever your choices ahead, make them for yourself.
I didn't turn my back on my family. I stopped being a victim. I have no regrets, and no lingering resentments for my actions. I didn't turn against them, I took the higher path offered to me. They were happy in their misery. I was not.
Have courage, Jeni.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Originally Posted by Jeni26 
Thanks Sasha.
You know, I've come far enough along in my programme to have forgiven him. I really have.
Maybe this isn't about me really, it is about caring for another alcoholic. One who hasn't ever had the strength to face what or who he is.
Thanks everyone x
You know, I've come far enough along in my programme to have forgiven him. I really have.
Maybe this isn't about me really, it is about caring for another alcoholic. One who hasn't ever had the strength to face what or who he is.
Thanks everyone x
What an amazing thing to think!
You see - you do know the best way to understand the situation. You totally do know what to do.
And yes I agree with you. But I also see that you have had the strength to face what you are and that is something he can never ever have. I hope you are super proud of yourself and also a little bit more at peace with yourself too xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Robby-Everything you said resounded with me. I think my parents love each other too in their own way. And I've no doubt they love us too. It's that complicated web of love, hurt, fear and denial that's hard to work its way through sometimes! So much easier to walk away.
But I'm not always sure the easier path is always the right one.
The total dysfunctional mess is so clear to me now I'm seeing it through sober eyes and from the safety of distance.
Thanks Robby and everyone
But I'm not always sure the easier path is always the right one.
The total dysfunctional mess is so clear to me now I'm seeing it through sober eyes and from the safety of distance.
Thanks Robby and everyone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Well...my Dad is currently refusing to see any of us at the moment so the decision has been taken out of my hands now.
That feels kind of sad, like a rejection. But it may just be part of the weird game he likes to play, or it may be that he is really ill and trying in his own way to protect us. I have no way of knowing.
It's just a case of waiting now.
I've tried to text my brother who lives with them, but he isn't answering. He is a full-blown active alcoholic anyway so unlikely to be much help.
I don't know what to think so I'm trying not to.
That feels kind of sad, like a rejection. But it may just be part of the weird game he likes to play, or it may be that he is really ill and trying in his own way to protect us. I have no way of knowing.
It's just a case of waiting now.
I've tried to text my brother who lives with them, but he isn't answering. He is a full-blown active alcoholic anyway so unlikely to be much help.
I don't know what to think so I'm trying not to.
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