Needing to talk; Dad died end July 2012
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 7
Needing to talk; Dad died end July 2012
Hi There
This site was a big support to me during the time my beloved Dad died last summer; thank you to all who helped then.
Just to update; I am 36 and my Dad was 70. I was his only biological child as he was adopted and my Mum was married before. We were very soft and similar in nature and as a result always very close. My Mum is (much as I care for her) very different (quick tempered and easily impatient).
When I was 16 my parents split up and I stayed with my Dad. Before then there had been nothing but rows and life was difficult so in many ways it was a relief.
The years when Dad and I lived together were the happiest of my life and he said his.
In 2004 however he had a massive heart attack; I remember praying to what ever higher power there may be that I knew he had to be taken 'but just not yet'. I was 5 months pregnant at the time and my partner left me the same month. I found that difficult - Dad potentially dying and being alone with a new born on the way.
Dad did pull through of sorts but even stents, bypass etc could not cure his heart problem and he was medically retired as a result.
I think in life if you choose something it is different to when it is imposed - had he had a choice Dad would not have chosen retirement (following break from Mum and death of his own Mum he became very isolated and could not be persuaded to socialise as before - he used to be life and soul).
My wee girl was born and in time he and Dad became close.
I am ever grateful they got to meet but over the last few years Dad seemed to get sicker and sicker.
I knew he always liked a drink but did not realise how bad things were until March last year; in the end his whole personality changed; he drew away from me and became so cold. Before that he was always so loving and lovely - a gentleman.
In the end he had heart failure, heart disease, angina, disintegrating pelvis, varices, ulcers, cancer, alcoholic hepatitis, alcoholic liver disease, kidney failure, pneumonia etc.
I feel so guilty; I wish I could have done more; I did try but work was so busy (my now husband was in midst of divorce and I had just been promoted) - I did neglect Dad in respect that I got sick of trying to get him to see sense. I felt cross with the way he was behaving (driving whilst under the influence and so on). He did though have that encephalophy (sorry cannot spell or say that!).
I wrote to his GP, started opening his letters, wanted to go with him to appointments etc.
I feel so heartbroken still - I wonder if part of it was me meeting my now husband - I asked him if that was the reason in the hospital but he say no - not to ever think that.
Sadly; his final days were horrific - the rest of the family had not listened earlier when I had tried even exposure as a way to get Dad help (before I always kept his secrets, confidences) but I told my Mum, half siblings etc - I told my brother I felt Dad was on a suicide mission and he would not believe me. He denied everything to my Mum and said he wasn't drinking - this meant she thought I was picking on him and took away his only joy (before discovering he was drink/driving he picked up my wee girl from school some days). I did apologise to him profusely as I know that hurt him but said I have to put her safety first.
In the end months he spent half the time at Mums and half at mine. I feel I was being punished for trying to stop the drinking.
I said to him that I didn't want his death on my conscience yet it is anyway.
Although he behaved badly in the last months/years I truly could not have had a better Dad and he was my best friend for most of my life. I feel so empty and bereft.
The rift in the family has worsened. I hate rows and so when they insisted on arranging the funeral I let them get on with it; they also took all Dad's money and possessions; in the end I cared not for these things thinking I have his nature and that is the most important thing. And I have all he taught me too - he was a wise and lovely man. And a great laugh in his day.
I feel haunted by the way it all happened.
He began to get jaundiced; I called the Doctor and recall him asking Dad what he did for a living. He shook his hand and said he would not hear of Dad being put up to A&E; that's when I knew. I had researched before so was quite expecting what happened not that that made it easier.
In the wheelchair at the hospital my Dad morosely and in pain said to me 'I hope you enjoy married life. I don't think I'll be getting out this time'. I could never lie to him and said 'No Dad I don't think you will'.
Incredibly the first 5 days Dad rallied. The best my now husband has ever seen him was the day after that (beg July 2012); he was alert, funny, could walk to the loo, was going on about what a laugh the others on the ward were, he wasn't shaking or didn't look in pain. I wrote him a letter; apologising for being so busy. Thanking him for all he did for me and telling him how much I loved him. I told him I hoped he would beat this terrible addicition etc.
I'm not sure if he read it - I got upset so left and when I came back he said it was a lovely letter. I told him I loved him and he said that went without saying.
The next four days he appeared to go downhill 20% a day. By the Thursday; I knew something was wrong. I rang the hosptial and they told me he had taken a turn for the worse. I ran for a taxi and straight to the ward.
He said to me he was dying and I said I know pal (that's what we always called each other); I thanked him for waiting for me. He held my hand and my other arm was under his head as I just held him.
I asked him if he wanted me get the nurse and he said no (I wish now I hadn't but I pressed the bell anyways).
I told him I loved him. And he kept repeating not to let it affect me - don't let it affect you.
Before all this he always told me to just throw him in the ground - that he didn't matter. That life goes on. That he wanted me to be happy etc but none of that helped.
I was there holding him when his legs contracted up - I knew something was happening and later it turned out his kidneys were failing.
The doctor appeared and asked if I was next of kin. I said yes - although seperated 20 years with Mum that line was never clear. They asked for my permission to try him on a 'new treatment' they said. I said yes. I wanted my Dad.
The treatment turned out not to be new; it was nor-adrenalin - the use in treating kidney failure was new.
I stayed at Dad's side for next 4 days. Not sleeping or eating and talking to him and the nurses. I wanted him not to be just a number; so I told them all his funny stories etc.
On the fourth day he was getting no better; that's when he said to me 'My name - enough' (I knew what he meant) 'Dad are you saying you want the treatment to stop?' (Yes he said). Dad are you saying you want to die. YEs he said.
I got the nurse and he repeated the same but they would not withdraw it - they insisted it was a 9 day treatment; other nurses told me they could not understand why Dad was on this - the only other patient who had been given it was 20; had a poor quality of life and had none of Dad's complications.
My extended family were still in denial - they kept saying Dad didn't drink that much; that Mum was iller; that he felt unwanted (because I had met my future husband), that it was all the tablets he was on etc. If I mentioned hospice or anything they would shout me down and say that was for dying people.
After that Dad kept begging me to make them stop and I tried everything; one Consultant came on the ward and said she did not know Dad's case; she read the file for 20 mins then met with us; she said he had a chance of full recovery - I said are you saying this man is not terminally ill and she was very cutting and said not as far as I am aware. I knew this to be rubbish - he was dying and did so 20 days later.
Another Doctor would not see us as he had 150 patients to attend and so in the end I went to a solicitor; if Dad had not the mental capacity to think for himself they should listen to me as closest relative. Within an hour of me seeing the solicitor on day 5-6 of the treatment Dad was immediately removed from that ward and put in a room on his own.
Before they had been taking his meds and stats every hour - now nothing. The main consultant had also asked family permission for him to take part in a 6 week study (I believe to be for morbility for the nor adrenalin) - they all agreed except me - I could not have borne Dad suffering a minute longer than he had to and just wanted his wishes respected.
The study was never mentioned again after I went to a solicitor.
When he came round in the room my Dad looked like a zombie; he said that the Glasgow mafia (what he called my Mum/half brother and sister) had him by the short and curlies now. He was so down and I just kept saying I was sorry. He said it was not my fault.
By now the water on the brain was full force and he mostly didn't know what was happening.
Throughout he made me promise to go ahead and get married. This was the hardest decision of my life but I did.
He lived to see the photos, I rang him going into the registry office and he waited until I returned (3 days after wedding). I am ever sorry that I was not with him that night. He said to me 'stay' but he also thought I was a nurse and at that point I didn't know how long he had.
In the morning I went to see him. I'd never seen a dead body before but he was just my old Dad; sleeping and incredibly he had a smile on his face.
I am so sorry he suffered that last 3 weeks; he slippped on his own blood going to the toilet; fell out of bed and had such bad bed sores that they sent pics to another hospital. I feel sad that the family did not believe me. I know it sounds manic a daughter knowing more at times than the medics but I just felt they were not giving us the truth and that turned out to be correct; some however were great.
After he died I recorded a eulogy at his funeral. I had to - again I didn't want him to be just a number and since then he has been my first thought in the morning and last at night.
I had to sort the reception the week after which was very stressful but I promised him that we'd have a party like he always wanted and he had said 'make it a bloody big party'.
Since then I just haven't stopped; work has been mad; my wee girl challenging and alot of other things have happened. I haven't taken any time off (used up most hols during Dad's illness) and it has impacted greatly on my relationship with my new husband. I love him dearly and at times he has been great but others I know it must be frustrating for him. I just am not the person he knew and married now.
I don't think he loves me the way he used to - I can understand. Having someone cry or be quiet or be down is not much fun at all. Plus I have been getting worried about daft things which he has no patience for. I wish I could be the smiley, bubbly, enthusiastic person he met. At the moment I think I just need time and feel often quite alone. Grief can be so lonely; everyone else I feel has a glazed look of oh not again (not that I try to burden them often) yet it is there for me all the time.
I feel sad as it could be I lose everything including my new husband. He is cross with me for worrying about money at the moment. I am not sure why but since Dad's death I feel so responsible and want to be careful (maybe in control of aspects of my life to feel secure - I don't know why) and it just worried me we were spending more than we were earning. Yet in my heart I know it is daft. Waffling now I know! I just feel under such pressure; feel like I don't want to burden anyone but at the same time find it hard to just put on a happy face. I do try though 9/10 times. At my worst moments I just wish I could be with my Dad. Knowing how I feel though I couldn't put that on anyone else. I have always been very independent too - I wonder if I am scared of abandonment - ala if you do it for yourself then no-one can leave, let you down or resent you for it later. Just struggling at mo but will get there.
Thanks for listening.
This site was a big support to me during the time my beloved Dad died last summer; thank you to all who helped then.
Just to update; I am 36 and my Dad was 70. I was his only biological child as he was adopted and my Mum was married before. We were very soft and similar in nature and as a result always very close. My Mum is (much as I care for her) very different (quick tempered and easily impatient).
When I was 16 my parents split up and I stayed with my Dad. Before then there had been nothing but rows and life was difficult so in many ways it was a relief.
The years when Dad and I lived together were the happiest of my life and he said his.
In 2004 however he had a massive heart attack; I remember praying to what ever higher power there may be that I knew he had to be taken 'but just not yet'. I was 5 months pregnant at the time and my partner left me the same month. I found that difficult - Dad potentially dying and being alone with a new born on the way.
Dad did pull through of sorts but even stents, bypass etc could not cure his heart problem and he was medically retired as a result.
I think in life if you choose something it is different to when it is imposed - had he had a choice Dad would not have chosen retirement (following break from Mum and death of his own Mum he became very isolated and could not be persuaded to socialise as before - he used to be life and soul).
My wee girl was born and in time he and Dad became close.
I am ever grateful they got to meet but over the last few years Dad seemed to get sicker and sicker.
I knew he always liked a drink but did not realise how bad things were until March last year; in the end his whole personality changed; he drew away from me and became so cold. Before that he was always so loving and lovely - a gentleman.
In the end he had heart failure, heart disease, angina, disintegrating pelvis, varices, ulcers, cancer, alcoholic hepatitis, alcoholic liver disease, kidney failure, pneumonia etc.
I feel so guilty; I wish I could have done more; I did try but work was so busy (my now husband was in midst of divorce and I had just been promoted) - I did neglect Dad in respect that I got sick of trying to get him to see sense. I felt cross with the way he was behaving (driving whilst under the influence and so on). He did though have that encephalophy (sorry cannot spell or say that!).
I wrote to his GP, started opening his letters, wanted to go with him to appointments etc.
I feel so heartbroken still - I wonder if part of it was me meeting my now husband - I asked him if that was the reason in the hospital but he say no - not to ever think that.
Sadly; his final days were horrific - the rest of the family had not listened earlier when I had tried even exposure as a way to get Dad help (before I always kept his secrets, confidences) but I told my Mum, half siblings etc - I told my brother I felt Dad was on a suicide mission and he would not believe me. He denied everything to my Mum and said he wasn't drinking - this meant she thought I was picking on him and took away his only joy (before discovering he was drink/driving he picked up my wee girl from school some days). I did apologise to him profusely as I know that hurt him but said I have to put her safety first.
In the end months he spent half the time at Mums and half at mine. I feel I was being punished for trying to stop the drinking.
I said to him that I didn't want his death on my conscience yet it is anyway.
Although he behaved badly in the last months/years I truly could not have had a better Dad and he was my best friend for most of my life. I feel so empty and bereft.
The rift in the family has worsened. I hate rows and so when they insisted on arranging the funeral I let them get on with it; they also took all Dad's money and possessions; in the end I cared not for these things thinking I have his nature and that is the most important thing. And I have all he taught me too - he was a wise and lovely man. And a great laugh in his day.
I feel haunted by the way it all happened.
He began to get jaundiced; I called the Doctor and recall him asking Dad what he did for a living. He shook his hand and said he would not hear of Dad being put up to A&E; that's when I knew. I had researched before so was quite expecting what happened not that that made it easier.
In the wheelchair at the hospital my Dad morosely and in pain said to me 'I hope you enjoy married life. I don't think I'll be getting out this time'. I could never lie to him and said 'No Dad I don't think you will'.
Incredibly the first 5 days Dad rallied. The best my now husband has ever seen him was the day after that (beg July 2012); he was alert, funny, could walk to the loo, was going on about what a laugh the others on the ward were, he wasn't shaking or didn't look in pain. I wrote him a letter; apologising for being so busy. Thanking him for all he did for me and telling him how much I loved him. I told him I hoped he would beat this terrible addicition etc.
I'm not sure if he read it - I got upset so left and when I came back he said it was a lovely letter. I told him I loved him and he said that went without saying.
The next four days he appeared to go downhill 20% a day. By the Thursday; I knew something was wrong. I rang the hosptial and they told me he had taken a turn for the worse. I ran for a taxi and straight to the ward.
He said to me he was dying and I said I know pal (that's what we always called each other); I thanked him for waiting for me. He held my hand and my other arm was under his head as I just held him.
I asked him if he wanted me get the nurse and he said no (I wish now I hadn't but I pressed the bell anyways).
I told him I loved him. And he kept repeating not to let it affect me - don't let it affect you.
Before all this he always told me to just throw him in the ground - that he didn't matter. That life goes on. That he wanted me to be happy etc but none of that helped.
I was there holding him when his legs contracted up - I knew something was happening and later it turned out his kidneys were failing.
The doctor appeared and asked if I was next of kin. I said yes - although seperated 20 years with Mum that line was never clear. They asked for my permission to try him on a 'new treatment' they said. I said yes. I wanted my Dad.
The treatment turned out not to be new; it was nor-adrenalin - the use in treating kidney failure was new.
I stayed at Dad's side for next 4 days. Not sleeping or eating and talking to him and the nurses. I wanted him not to be just a number; so I told them all his funny stories etc.
On the fourth day he was getting no better; that's when he said to me 'My name - enough' (I knew what he meant) 'Dad are you saying you want the treatment to stop?' (Yes he said). Dad are you saying you want to die. YEs he said.
I got the nurse and he repeated the same but they would not withdraw it - they insisted it was a 9 day treatment; other nurses told me they could not understand why Dad was on this - the only other patient who had been given it was 20; had a poor quality of life and had none of Dad's complications.
My extended family were still in denial - they kept saying Dad didn't drink that much; that Mum was iller; that he felt unwanted (because I had met my future husband), that it was all the tablets he was on etc. If I mentioned hospice or anything they would shout me down and say that was for dying people.
After that Dad kept begging me to make them stop and I tried everything; one Consultant came on the ward and said she did not know Dad's case; she read the file for 20 mins then met with us; she said he had a chance of full recovery - I said are you saying this man is not terminally ill and she was very cutting and said not as far as I am aware. I knew this to be rubbish - he was dying and did so 20 days later.
Another Doctor would not see us as he had 150 patients to attend and so in the end I went to a solicitor; if Dad had not the mental capacity to think for himself they should listen to me as closest relative. Within an hour of me seeing the solicitor on day 5-6 of the treatment Dad was immediately removed from that ward and put in a room on his own.
Before they had been taking his meds and stats every hour - now nothing. The main consultant had also asked family permission for him to take part in a 6 week study (I believe to be for morbility for the nor adrenalin) - they all agreed except me - I could not have borne Dad suffering a minute longer than he had to and just wanted his wishes respected.
The study was never mentioned again after I went to a solicitor.
When he came round in the room my Dad looked like a zombie; he said that the Glasgow mafia (what he called my Mum/half brother and sister) had him by the short and curlies now. He was so down and I just kept saying I was sorry. He said it was not my fault.
By now the water on the brain was full force and he mostly didn't know what was happening.
Throughout he made me promise to go ahead and get married. This was the hardest decision of my life but I did.
He lived to see the photos, I rang him going into the registry office and he waited until I returned (3 days after wedding). I am ever sorry that I was not with him that night. He said to me 'stay' but he also thought I was a nurse and at that point I didn't know how long he had.
In the morning I went to see him. I'd never seen a dead body before but he was just my old Dad; sleeping and incredibly he had a smile on his face.
I am so sorry he suffered that last 3 weeks; he slippped on his own blood going to the toilet; fell out of bed and had such bad bed sores that they sent pics to another hospital. I feel sad that the family did not believe me. I know it sounds manic a daughter knowing more at times than the medics but I just felt they were not giving us the truth and that turned out to be correct; some however were great.
After he died I recorded a eulogy at his funeral. I had to - again I didn't want him to be just a number and since then he has been my first thought in the morning and last at night.
I had to sort the reception the week after which was very stressful but I promised him that we'd have a party like he always wanted and he had said 'make it a bloody big party'.
Since then I just haven't stopped; work has been mad; my wee girl challenging and alot of other things have happened. I haven't taken any time off (used up most hols during Dad's illness) and it has impacted greatly on my relationship with my new husband. I love him dearly and at times he has been great but others I know it must be frustrating for him. I just am not the person he knew and married now.
I don't think he loves me the way he used to - I can understand. Having someone cry or be quiet or be down is not much fun at all. Plus I have been getting worried about daft things which he has no patience for. I wish I could be the smiley, bubbly, enthusiastic person he met. At the moment I think I just need time and feel often quite alone. Grief can be so lonely; everyone else I feel has a glazed look of oh not again (not that I try to burden them often) yet it is there for me all the time.
I feel sad as it could be I lose everything including my new husband. He is cross with me for worrying about money at the moment. I am not sure why but since Dad's death I feel so responsible and want to be careful (maybe in control of aspects of my life to feel secure - I don't know why) and it just worried me we were spending more than we were earning. Yet in my heart I know it is daft. Waffling now I know! I just feel under such pressure; feel like I don't want to burden anyone but at the same time find it hard to just put on a happy face. I do try though 9/10 times. At my worst moments I just wish I could be with my Dad. Knowing how I feel though I couldn't put that on anyone else. I have always been very independent too - I wonder if I am scared of abandonment - ala if you do it for yourself then no-one can leave, let you down or resent you for it later. Just struggling at mo but will get there.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Originally Posted by lorandgeoff 
Hi There
This site was a big support to me during the time my beloved Dad died last summer; thank you to all who helped then.
Just to update; I am 36 and my Dad was 70. I was his only biological child as he was adopted and my Mum was married before. We were very soft and similar in nature and as a result always very close. My Mum is (much as I care for her) very different (quick tempered and easily impatient).
When I was 16 my parents split up and I stayed with my Dad. Before then there had been nothing but rows and life was difficult so in many ways it was a relief.
The years when Dad and I lived together were the happiest of my life and he said his.
In 2004 however he had a massive heart attack; I remember praying to what ever higher power there may be that I knew he had to be taken 'but just not yet'. I was 5 months pregnant at the time and my partner left me the same month. I found that difficult - Dad potentially dying and being alone with a new born on the way.
Dad did pull through of sorts but even stents, bypass etc could not cure his heart problem and he was medically retired as a result.
I think in life if you choose something it is different to when it is imposed - had he had a choice Dad would not have chosen retirement (following break from Mum and death of his own Mum he became very isolated and could not be persuaded to socialise as before - he used to be life and soul).
My wee girl was born and in time he and Dad became close.
I am ever grateful they got to meet but over the last few years Dad seemed to get sicker and sicker.
I knew he always liked a drink but did not realise how bad things were until March last year; in the end his whole personality changed; he drew away from me and became so cold. Before that he was always so loving and lovely - a gentleman.
In the end he had heart failure, heart disease, angina, disintegrating pelvis, varices, ulcers, cancer, alcoholic hepatitis, alcoholic liver disease, kidney failure, pneumonia etc.
I feel so guilty; I wish I could have done more; I did try but work was so busy (my now husband was in midst of divorce and I had just been promoted) - I did neglect Dad in respect that I got sick of trying to get him to see sense. I felt cross with the way he was behaving (driving whilst under the influence and so on). He did though have that encephalophy (sorry cannot spell or say that!).
I wrote to his GP, started opening his letters, wanted to go with him to appointments etc.
I feel so heartbroken still - I wonder if part of it was me meeting my now husband - I asked him if that was the reason in the hospital but he say no - not to ever think that.
Sadly; his final days were horrific - the rest of the family had not listened earlier when I had tried even exposure as a way to get Dad help (before I always kept his secrets, confidences) but I told my Mum, half siblings etc - I told my brother I felt Dad was on a suicide mission and he would not believe me. He denied everything to my Mum and said he wasn't drinking - this meant she thought I was picking on him and took away his only joy (before discovering he was drink/driving he picked up my wee girl from school some days). I did apologise to him profusely as I know that hurt him but said I have to put her safety first.
In the end months he spent half the time at Mums and half at mine. I feel I was being punished for trying to stop the drinking.
I said to him that I didn't want his death on my conscience yet it is anyway.
Although he behaved badly in the last months/years I truly could not have had a better Dad and he was my best friend for most of my life. I feel so empty and bereft.
The rift in the family has worsened. I hate rows and so when they insisted on arranging the funeral I let them get on with it; they also took all Dad's money and possessions; in the end I cared not for these things thinking I have his nature and that is the most important thing. And I have all he taught me too - he was a wise and lovely man. And a great laugh in his day.
I feel haunted by the way it all happened.
He began to get jaundiced; I called the Doctor and recall him asking Dad what he did for a living. He shook his hand and said he would not hear of Dad being put up to A&E; that's when I knew. I had researched before so was quite expecting what happened not that that made it easier.
In the wheelchair at the hospital my Dad morosely and in pain said to me 'I hope you enjoy married life. I don't think I'll be getting out this time'. I could never lie to him and said 'No Dad I don't think you will'.
Incredibly the first 5 days Dad rallied. The best my now husband has ever seen him was the day after that (beg July 2012); he was alert, funny, could walk to the loo, was going on about what a laugh the others on the ward were, he wasn't shaking or didn't look in pain. I wrote him a letter; apologising for being so busy. Thanking him for all he did for me and telling him how much I loved him. I told him I hoped he would beat this terrible addicition etc.
I'm not sure if he read it - I got upset so left and when I came back he said it was a lovely letter. I told him I loved him and he said that went without saying.
The next four days he appeared to go downhill 20% a day. By the Thursday; I knew something was wrong. I rang the hosptial and they told me he had taken a turn for the worse. I ran for a taxi and straight to the ward.
He said to me he was dying and I said I know pal (that's what we always called each other); I thanked him for waiting for me. He held my hand and my other arm was under his head as I just held him.
I asked him if he wanted me get the nurse and he said no (I wish now I hadn't but I pressed the bell anyways).
I told him I loved him. And he kept repeating not to let it affect me - don't let it affect you.
Before all this he always told me to just throw him in the ground - that he didn't matter. That life goes on. That he wanted me to be happy etc but none of that helped.
I was there holding him when his legs contracted up - I knew something was happening and later it turned out his kidneys were failing.
The doctor appeared and asked if I was next of kin. I said yes - although seperated 20 years with Mum that line was never clear. They asked for my permission to try him on a 'new treatment' they said. I said yes. I wanted my Dad.
The treatment turned out not to be new; it was nor-adrenalin - the use in treating kidney failure was new.
I stayed at Dad's side for next 4 days. Not sleeping or eating and talking to him and the nurses. I wanted him not to be just a number; so I told them all his funny stories etc.
On the fourth day he was getting no better; that's when he said to me 'My name - enough' (I knew what he meant) 'Dad are you saying you want the treatment to stop?' (Yes he said). Dad are you saying you want to die. YEs he said.
I got the nurse and he repeated the same but they would not withdraw it - they insisted it was a 9 day treatment; other nurses told me they could not understand why Dad was on this - the only other patient who had been given it was 20; had a poor quality of life and had none of Dad's complications.
My extended family were still in denial - they kept saying Dad didn't drink that much; that Mum was iller; that he felt unwanted (because I had met my future husband), that it was all the tablets he was on etc. If I mentioned hospice or anything they would shout me down and say that was for dying people.
After that Dad kept begging me to make them stop and I tried everything; one Consultant came on the ward and said she did not know Dad's case; she read the file for 20 mins then met with us; she said he had a chance of full recovery - I said are you saying this man is not terminally ill and she was very cutting and said not as far as I am aware. I knew this to be rubbish - he was dying and did so 20 days later.
Another Doctor would not see us as he had 150 patients to attend and so in the end I went to a solicitor; if Dad had not the mental capacity to think for himself they should listen to me as closest relative. Within an hour of me seeing the solicitor on day 5-6 of the treatment Dad was immediately removed from that ward and put in a room on his own.
Before they had been taking his meds and stats every hour - now nothing. The main consultant had also asked family permission for him to take part in a 6 week study (I believe to be for morbility for the nor adrenalin) - they all agreed except me - I could not have borne Dad suffering a minute longer than he had to and just wanted his wishes respected.
The study was never mentioned again after I went to a solicitor.
When he came round in the room my Dad looked like a zombie; he said that the Glasgow mafia (what he called my Mum/half brother and sister) had him by the short and curlies now. He was so down and I just kept saying I was sorry. He said it was not my fault.
By now the water on the brain was full force and he mostly didn't know what was happening.
Throughout he made me promise to go ahead and get married. This was the hardest decision of my life but I did.
He lived to see the photos, I rang him going into the registry office and he waited until I returned (3 days after wedding). I am ever sorry that I was not with him that night. He said to me 'stay' but he also thought I was a nurse and at that point I didn't know how long he had.
In the morning I went to see him. I'd never seen a dead body before but he was just my old Dad; sleeping and incredibly he had a smile on his face.
I am so sorry he suffered that last 3 weeks; he slippped on his own blood going to the toilet; fell out of bed and had such bad bed sores that they sent pics to another hospital. I feel sad that the family did not believe me. I know it sounds manic a daughter knowing more at times than the medics but I just felt they were not giving us the truth and that turned out to be correct; some however were great.
After he died I recorded a eulogy at his funeral. I had to - again I didn't want him to be just a number and since then he has been my first thought in the morning and last at night.
I had to sort the reception the week after which was very stressful but I promised him that we'd have a party like he always wanted and he had said 'make it a bloody big party'.
Since then I just haven't stopped; work has been mad; my wee girl challenging and alot of other things have happened. I haven't taken any time off (used up most hols during Dad's illness) and it has impacted greatly on my relationship with my new husband. I love him dearly and at times he has been great but others I know it must be frustrating for him. I just am not the person he knew and married now.
I don't think he loves me the way he used to - I can understand. Having someone cry or be quiet or be down is not much fun at all. Plus I have been getting worried about daft things which he has no patience for. I wish I could be the smiley, bubbly, enthusiastic person he met. At the moment I think I just need time and feel often quite alone. Grief can be so lonely; everyone else I feel has a glazed look of oh not again (not that I try to burden them often) yet it is there for me all the time.
I feel sad as it could be I lose everything including my new husband. He is cross with me for worrying about money at the moment. I am not sure why but since Dad's death I feel so responsible and want to be careful (maybe in control of aspects of my life to feel secure - I don't know why) and it just worried me we were spending more than we were earning. Yet in my heart I know it is daft. Waffling now I know! I just feel under such pressure; feel like I don't want to burden anyone but at the same time find it hard to just put on a happy face. I do try though 9/10 times. At my worst moments I just wish I could be with my Dad. Knowing how I feel though I couldn't put that on anyone else. I have always been very independent too - I wonder if I am scared of abandonment - ala if you do it for yourself then no-one can leave, let you down or resent you for it later. Just struggling at mo but will get there.
Thanks for listening.
This site was a big support to me during the time my beloved Dad died last summer; thank you to all who helped then.
Just to update; I am 36 and my Dad was 70. I was his only biological child as he was adopted and my Mum was married before. We were very soft and similar in nature and as a result always very close. My Mum is (much as I care for her) very different (quick tempered and easily impatient).
When I was 16 my parents split up and I stayed with my Dad. Before then there had been nothing but rows and life was difficult so in many ways it was a relief.
The years when Dad and I lived together were the happiest of my life and he said his.
In 2004 however he had a massive heart attack; I remember praying to what ever higher power there may be that I knew he had to be taken 'but just not yet'. I was 5 months pregnant at the time and my partner left me the same month. I found that difficult - Dad potentially dying and being alone with a new born on the way.
Dad did pull through of sorts but even stents, bypass etc could not cure his heart problem and he was medically retired as a result.
I think in life if you choose something it is different to when it is imposed - had he had a choice Dad would not have chosen retirement (following break from Mum and death of his own Mum he became very isolated and could not be persuaded to socialise as before - he used to be life and soul).
My wee girl was born and in time he and Dad became close.
I am ever grateful they got to meet but over the last few years Dad seemed to get sicker and sicker.
I knew he always liked a drink but did not realise how bad things were until March last year; in the end his whole personality changed; he drew away from me and became so cold. Before that he was always so loving and lovely - a gentleman.
In the end he had heart failure, heart disease, angina, disintegrating pelvis, varices, ulcers, cancer, alcoholic hepatitis, alcoholic liver disease, kidney failure, pneumonia etc.
I feel so guilty; I wish I could have done more; I did try but work was so busy (my now husband was in midst of divorce and I had just been promoted) - I did neglect Dad in respect that I got sick of trying to get him to see sense. I felt cross with the way he was behaving (driving whilst under the influence and so on). He did though have that encephalophy (sorry cannot spell or say that!).
I wrote to his GP, started opening his letters, wanted to go with him to appointments etc.
I feel so heartbroken still - I wonder if part of it was me meeting my now husband - I asked him if that was the reason in the hospital but he say no - not to ever think that.
Sadly; his final days were horrific - the rest of the family had not listened earlier when I had tried even exposure as a way to get Dad help (before I always kept his secrets, confidences) but I told my Mum, half siblings etc - I told my brother I felt Dad was on a suicide mission and he would not believe me. He denied everything to my Mum and said he wasn't drinking - this meant she thought I was picking on him and took away his only joy (before discovering he was drink/driving he picked up my wee girl from school some days). I did apologise to him profusely as I know that hurt him but said I have to put her safety first.
In the end months he spent half the time at Mums and half at mine. I feel I was being punished for trying to stop the drinking.
I said to him that I didn't want his death on my conscience yet it is anyway.
Although he behaved badly in the last months/years I truly could not have had a better Dad and he was my best friend for most of my life. I feel so empty and bereft.
The rift in the family has worsened. I hate rows and so when they insisted on arranging the funeral I let them get on with it; they also took all Dad's money and possessions; in the end I cared not for these things thinking I have his nature and that is the most important thing. And I have all he taught me too - he was a wise and lovely man. And a great laugh in his day.
I feel haunted by the way it all happened.
He began to get jaundiced; I called the Doctor and recall him asking Dad what he did for a living. He shook his hand and said he would not hear of Dad being put up to A&E; that's when I knew. I had researched before so was quite expecting what happened not that that made it easier.
In the wheelchair at the hospital my Dad morosely and in pain said to me 'I hope you enjoy married life. I don't think I'll be getting out this time'. I could never lie to him and said 'No Dad I don't think you will'.
Incredibly the first 5 days Dad rallied. The best my now husband has ever seen him was the day after that (beg July 2012); he was alert, funny, could walk to the loo, was going on about what a laugh the others on the ward were, he wasn't shaking or didn't look in pain. I wrote him a letter; apologising for being so busy. Thanking him for all he did for me and telling him how much I loved him. I told him I hoped he would beat this terrible addicition etc.
I'm not sure if he read it - I got upset so left and when I came back he said it was a lovely letter. I told him I loved him and he said that went without saying.
The next four days he appeared to go downhill 20% a day. By the Thursday; I knew something was wrong. I rang the hosptial and they told me he had taken a turn for the worse. I ran for a taxi and straight to the ward.
He said to me he was dying and I said I know pal (that's what we always called each other); I thanked him for waiting for me. He held my hand and my other arm was under his head as I just held him.
I asked him if he wanted me get the nurse and he said no (I wish now I hadn't but I pressed the bell anyways).
I told him I loved him. And he kept repeating not to let it affect me - don't let it affect you.
Before all this he always told me to just throw him in the ground - that he didn't matter. That life goes on. That he wanted me to be happy etc but none of that helped.
I was there holding him when his legs contracted up - I knew something was happening and later it turned out his kidneys were failing.
The doctor appeared and asked if I was next of kin. I said yes - although seperated 20 years with Mum that line was never clear. They asked for my permission to try him on a 'new treatment' they said. I said yes. I wanted my Dad.
The treatment turned out not to be new; it was nor-adrenalin - the use in treating kidney failure was new.
I stayed at Dad's side for next 4 days. Not sleeping or eating and talking to him and the nurses. I wanted him not to be just a number; so I told them all his funny stories etc.
On the fourth day he was getting no better; that's when he said to me 'My name - enough' (I knew what he meant) 'Dad are you saying you want the treatment to stop?' (Yes he said). Dad are you saying you want to die. YEs he said.
I got the nurse and he repeated the same but they would not withdraw it - they insisted it was a 9 day treatment; other nurses told me they could not understand why Dad was on this - the only other patient who had been given it was 20; had a poor quality of life and had none of Dad's complications.
My extended family were still in denial - they kept saying Dad didn't drink that much; that Mum was iller; that he felt unwanted (because I had met my future husband), that it was all the tablets he was on etc. If I mentioned hospice or anything they would shout me down and say that was for dying people.
After that Dad kept begging me to make them stop and I tried everything; one Consultant came on the ward and said she did not know Dad's case; she read the file for 20 mins then met with us; she said he had a chance of full recovery - I said are you saying this man is not terminally ill and she was very cutting and said not as far as I am aware. I knew this to be rubbish - he was dying and did so 20 days later.
Another Doctor would not see us as he had 150 patients to attend and so in the end I went to a solicitor; if Dad had not the mental capacity to think for himself they should listen to me as closest relative. Within an hour of me seeing the solicitor on day 5-6 of the treatment Dad was immediately removed from that ward and put in a room on his own.
Before they had been taking his meds and stats every hour - now nothing. The main consultant had also asked family permission for him to take part in a 6 week study (I believe to be for morbility for the nor adrenalin) - they all agreed except me - I could not have borne Dad suffering a minute longer than he had to and just wanted his wishes respected.
The study was never mentioned again after I went to a solicitor.
When he came round in the room my Dad looked like a zombie; he said that the Glasgow mafia (what he called my Mum/half brother and sister) had him by the short and curlies now. He was so down and I just kept saying I was sorry. He said it was not my fault.
By now the water on the brain was full force and he mostly didn't know what was happening.
Throughout he made me promise to go ahead and get married. This was the hardest decision of my life but I did.
He lived to see the photos, I rang him going into the registry office and he waited until I returned (3 days after wedding). I am ever sorry that I was not with him that night. He said to me 'stay' but he also thought I was a nurse and at that point I didn't know how long he had.
In the morning I went to see him. I'd never seen a dead body before but he was just my old Dad; sleeping and incredibly he had a smile on his face.
I am so sorry he suffered that last 3 weeks; he slippped on his own blood going to the toilet; fell out of bed and had such bad bed sores that they sent pics to another hospital. I feel sad that the family did not believe me. I know it sounds manic a daughter knowing more at times than the medics but I just felt they were not giving us the truth and that turned out to be correct; some however were great.
After he died I recorded a eulogy at his funeral. I had to - again I didn't want him to be just a number and since then he has been my first thought in the morning and last at night.
I had to sort the reception the week after which was very stressful but I promised him that we'd have a party like he always wanted and he had said 'make it a bloody big party'.
Since then I just haven't stopped; work has been mad; my wee girl challenging and alot of other things have happened. I haven't taken any time off (used up most hols during Dad's illness) and it has impacted greatly on my relationship with my new husband. I love him dearly and at times he has been great but others I know it must be frustrating for him. I just am not the person he knew and married now.
I don't think he loves me the way he used to - I can understand. Having someone cry or be quiet or be down is not much fun at all. Plus I have been getting worried about daft things which he has no patience for. I wish I could be the smiley, bubbly, enthusiastic person he met. At the moment I think I just need time and feel often quite alone. Grief can be so lonely; everyone else I feel has a glazed look of oh not again (not that I try to burden them often) yet it is there for me all the time.
I feel sad as it could be I lose everything including my new husband. He is cross with me for worrying about money at the moment. I am not sure why but since Dad's death I feel so responsible and want to be careful (maybe in control of aspects of my life to feel secure - I don't know why) and it just worried me we were spending more than we were earning. Yet in my heart I know it is daft. Waffling now I know! I just feel under such pressure; feel like I don't want to burden anyone but at the same time find it hard to just put on a happy face. I do try though 9/10 times. At my worst moments I just wish I could be with my Dad. Knowing how I feel though I couldn't put that on anyone else. I have always been very independent too - I wonder if I am scared of abandonment - ala if you do it for yourself then no-one can leave, let you down or resent you for it later. Just struggling at mo but will get there.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
No need to delete! (Well, unless you want to, of course.) I started to reply a couple of times, but didn't know what to say. It's heartbreaking, as was the case with both of my parents, who died within the past few years and left me with a lot of wreckage to sort through.
The important thing is that alcoholism is not your fault, and that no matter what you had done, the story would have played out much the same way.
My family (most of it, anyway) are also in a complete state of denial about my parents' alcoholism. Same goes for their friends. So I just pretty much avoid them, and work on my own.
It's hard -- I don't know what to say. But what you are going through is very familiar; it's not quite my song exactly, but it's got a lot of the same notes.....
T
The important thing is that alcoholism is not your fault, and that no matter what you had done, the story would have played out much the same way.
My family (most of it, anyway) are also in a complete state of denial about my parents' alcoholism. Same goes for their friends. So I just pretty much avoid them, and work on my own.
It's hard -- I don't know what to say. But what you are going through is very familiar; it's not quite my song exactly, but it's got a lot of the same notes.....
T
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Hi loraandgeoff - I remember you from last year - sorry again for your loss.
Grief can be very debilitating - it can be hard for our loved ones too, especially if they're not sure what to do or say, or how to react.
Have you considered grief counselling? or even just a helpline?
I'll happily give you some links if you like.
I know you say you're busy but I think it's important to make time for things like this.
Anything that's impacting your life, happiness and relationships or causing you to think about not being here is pretty important.
D
Grief can be very debilitating - it can be hard for our loved ones too, especially if they're not sure what to do or say, or how to react.
Have you considered grief counselling? or even just a helpline?
I'll happily give you some links if you like.
I know you say you're busy but I think it's important to make time for things like this.
Anything that's impacting your life, happiness and relationships or causing you to think about not being here is pretty important.
D
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I reread your post several times, it appears that you are still in the grieving process. i lost my dad 2/28/10. I think of him often, I miss him.
Your husband just may not know what to do or say to you. He may not have experienced a major loss thus far in his life, then again, some people are more stoic than others.
Perhaps therapy is something you may want to consider.
Your husband just may not know what to do or say to you. He may not have experienced a major loss thus far in his life, then again, some people are more stoic than others.
Perhaps therapy is something you may want to consider.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
There is not much I can say. I hope and pray that you find peace somehow. It is hard enough to grieve, but with the added family issues it sounds awful.
Sometimes telling your story helps. Just let it sit for a few days then come back and re-read what you have written. I find it therapeutic to read my old posts.
Sometimes telling your story helps. Just let it sit for a few days then come back and re-read what you have written. I find it therapeutic to read my old posts.
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