Another Loss......VENTING AND ASKING FOR HELP PLEASE
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Sarasota FL
Posts: 281
Another Loss......VENTING AND ASKING FOR HELP PLEASE
....after my only sibling came down and spent Xmas with me and my partner, enjoyed xmas with my inlaws and met my new friends, took him out for a wonderful xmas buffet at a really nice hotel, did some recreational stuff, spoiled him with presents.....he said he never wants to come down to celebrate xmas with me again. He expressed no gratitude for much of anything we did for him while he was here. He said "I'll come down in the Summer and do what I want to do. We're doing everything I want to do."
Our relationship has deteriorated....what difference would 6 months make if we cant get along at xmas. He said the visit was terrible for him. I agreed it wasn't good for me either. So, I said, "let's take a year off and get our s@it together and reconnect again." He said "my s@it is together....you need to get your s@it together, your s@it is not together!!!"
No, my poop ain't together. I am in therapy twice a week dealing with issues related to my PTSD. My relationship with my partner is deteriorating. She wants me to talk to my therapist about us buying a gun for safety in the house. I told her i NOO can't have a gun in the house. I don't like guns and there have literally been about 500 times I had wished I had a gun so I could turn it on myself. She says "When you aren't doing well ; we could lock it up." Then she pulls out an air pistol she has been carrying in her car to scare people off if she needs to. Like a therapist is going to change my mind.....I am against guns. Especially in our house.
My brother's last words to me were to leave him alone and let him live his life and not to call him. So, I have lost the last relationship with my family. My brother may become allies with my mother (and father?). They can think whatever they want....they have me pidgeon holed in the scapegoat role....
Well, it isn't my fault all that stuff happened to me. It is my fault the family broke apart because I talked about the issues. I didn't keep secrets once I entered into recovery.
My beloved Gram started dealing with her own childhood issues when i told her about what had happened that she didnt know about me as a child. She is now in a nursing home with vascular dementia and i miss her so. I keep trying to call the nursing home and talk to her but she sleeps a lot.
So....I feel so alone. My friends and my faith are getting me thru.
Hopefully someone else has gone thru letting go of their sick family before and is willing to share?
Part of me wishes I could go back to ACOA Alanon....like another 12 step program I belong to......I leave more than I take.....besides I am so vulnerable right now emotionally I don't think I could handle being around strangers and trusting them with my feelings....so many feelings of sadness, some anger, some regret, fear, relief, even hope that my life can be better now that I am free of them.
I have been sober 29 years, my brother's anniversary was last week sometime but he would not give me a straight answer on the date when he was visiting me...I think he has 11 years. My father is a dry drunk who only stopped drinking to get my mother back after the family helped her to leave him 28 years ago. She lasted nine months alone and he stopped going to AA because it was "repetitive". My father is an angry, mean person. My mother is the classic codependent.....went back and stayed for more abuse. She can't afford to divorce him....she seems trapped. I really am better off without them I think. My brother and I were so close for so long.
Thank you for reading this. I want to outgrow the suffering. I feel like I am suffering.
Any and all feedback welcome.
Our relationship has deteriorated....what difference would 6 months make if we cant get along at xmas. He said the visit was terrible for him. I agreed it wasn't good for me either. So, I said, "let's take a year off and get our s@it together and reconnect again." He said "my s@it is together....you need to get your s@it together, your s@it is not together!!!"
No, my poop ain't together. I am in therapy twice a week dealing with issues related to my PTSD. My relationship with my partner is deteriorating. She wants me to talk to my therapist about us buying a gun for safety in the house. I told her i NOO can't have a gun in the house. I don't like guns and there have literally been about 500 times I had wished I had a gun so I could turn it on myself. She says "When you aren't doing well ; we could lock it up." Then she pulls out an air pistol she has been carrying in her car to scare people off if she needs to. Like a therapist is going to change my mind.....I am against guns. Especially in our house.
My brother's last words to me were to leave him alone and let him live his life and not to call him. So, I have lost the last relationship with my family. My brother may become allies with my mother (and father?). They can think whatever they want....they have me pidgeon holed in the scapegoat role....
Well, it isn't my fault all that stuff happened to me. It is my fault the family broke apart because I talked about the issues. I didn't keep secrets once I entered into recovery.
My beloved Gram started dealing with her own childhood issues when i told her about what had happened that she didnt know about me as a child. She is now in a nursing home with vascular dementia and i miss her so. I keep trying to call the nursing home and talk to her but she sleeps a lot.
So....I feel so alone. My friends and my faith are getting me thru.
Hopefully someone else has gone thru letting go of their sick family before and is willing to share?
Part of me wishes I could go back to ACOA Alanon....like another 12 step program I belong to......I leave more than I take.....besides I am so vulnerable right now emotionally I don't think I could handle being around strangers and trusting them with my feelings....so many feelings of sadness, some anger, some regret, fear, relief, even hope that my life can be better now that I am free of them.
I have been sober 29 years, my brother's anniversary was last week sometime but he would not give me a straight answer on the date when he was visiting me...I think he has 11 years. My father is a dry drunk who only stopped drinking to get my mother back after the family helped her to leave him 28 years ago. She lasted nine months alone and he stopped going to AA because it was "repetitive". My father is an angry, mean person. My mother is the classic codependent.....went back and stayed for more abuse. She can't afford to divorce him....she seems trapped. I really am better off without them I think. My brother and I were so close for so long.
Thank you for reading this. I want to outgrow the suffering. I feel like I am suffering.
Any and all feedback welcome.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
It's late at night and I can't keep my eyes open let alone string two sentences together - I just wanted you to know I saw your post and I'm sending you my best wishes.
Sometimes family - the people who've been there the longest, who've known us all their lives should support us the most...but they don't.
I've ceased to wonder why that is.
I'm not angry or resentful...I'm simply too old to try and patch up relationships with people who won't even try and budge an inch to meet in the middle.
All I can do is keep my side of the street clean and fill my life with people who do support me, appreciate me, and understand me, Mo.
They're the people I need to spend time thinking about and being around
D
D
Sometimes family - the people who've been there the longest, who've known us all their lives should support us the most...but they don't.
I've ceased to wonder why that is.
I'm not angry or resentful...I'm simply too old to try and patch up relationships with people who won't even try and budge an inch to meet in the middle.
All I can do is keep my side of the street clean and fill my life with people who do support me, appreciate me, and understand me, Mo.
They're the people I need to spend time thinking about and being around
D
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
Your partner sounds like they are relegating you to the scapegoat role too. You might be best to focus on yourself and not worry about your brother or your partner. You relationship with you has to be good before you will ever have a healthy relationship with someone else.
The reactions and behavior we learned as kids don't work for us. We did not learn healthy ways to react and behave to diffucult emotions.
Try to work up the courage to go to ACA meetings. Try a few different ones if there are choices near you. Eventually you will find one that 'fits'. I found it really difficult to go out and try different groups due to my own social anxiety. But now that i've found a group I like, i'm very happy that I went through the effort.
The reactions and behavior we learned as kids don't work for us. We did not learn healthy ways to react and behave to diffucult emotions.
Try to work up the courage to go to ACA meetings. Try a few different ones if there are choices near you. Eventually you will find one that 'fits'. I found it really difficult to go out and try different groups due to my own social anxiety. But now that i've found a group I like, i'm very happy that I went through the effort.
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