semajyargg

I am 23 year old man, and a brother to five siblings. Only three of them are biological to my mother, but we have all been in the cross hairs of her wrath. I will give a little history on my situation, and I am asking for either suggestions, comments, ideas...anything that might help.

My mother has been drinking and on drugs for as long as I can remember. She has always been the one to start an argument, physical fight, and just take the blame off herself and put it on anyone that would allow her, myself being one of those. I was always a momma's boy, and all I have ever wanted was a strong relationship with the person who gave me life. I have always been more comfortable with women. Partly because I am gay, and was raised around three females up till I was 14.

My mother and I had disagreements all while I was growing up. She would trash the house the night before, go to work in the morning and then scream at us because we didn't have it cleaned how she wanted it. She would be upset if she didn't like how we spoke to our friends, but always wanted to be their best friends. Always treated like golden children until they did something she didn't agree with. After that, they would be just as much garbage as her entire family was considered in her eyes. I began working when I was 15 years old, less than a year after I moved back in with her. Working two jobs and having to attend regular school and having to attend night classes wasn't good enough for her. She took every paycheck I got, unless I put aside money for myself to have cigarettes or some lunch money. They eventually became one reason I started to resent her. Even with the knowledge of her abusive past, I still always forgave her. I want nothing more in my life than to have my mother back. The one who I can be completely open with, and I can run to when I need her.

We had a situation when I was 12, they forced me to grow up way too fast. It was July 4th, during the summer before my freshman year in high school. I was asleep while my mom worked at a bar. I woke up at 4:00am to crying, and turned over to find my mom in bed with me and covered head to toe in blood. I've always been interested in medicine (as well as a RN for an aunt), so I jumped into action. She had two gashes I her face, above her eye on and on he cheek. Both of her eyes were blackened. She has had braces since she was a teen, and both of her lips were stuck inside of them. I did everything I could to save my mother. I cleaned her up, got her to drink some water, and after a trip to the ER (where they sent her home right after), I finally managed to get her to go to bed. I had no one there with me to help. I spent four hours over here, and making sure she could breathe properly. This was the point In my life that I knew my mother would change. She would love me for helping her, being the only man there, and would be proud to call me her son. But the opposite happened. She moved away to another state and left me with my dad.

There were plenty of other situations that occurred, but the following one was where I called it quits. I was 17 and at my school prepping for my graduation day the following day. I called my mother and asked if I could borrow $15 to purchase my cap and gown. She was drunk, and already in a bad mood, and told me I wasn't s*** and that I could never do anything correct. She then called the twenty people I planned to have at my graduation and told them I failed high school and to not bother showing up to my ceremony. This caused only give people to show up. She then grounded me from leaving the house at all, and all I could do was clean. I left with my sister five days later to take her friend work, and that was grounds to kick me out. I had to move in with a close friend and lost my job because I couldn't get rides back and forth. Two weeks laters, I joined the USAF and went to training to become a cop.

During this time I had forgiven my mother yet again, and tried to mend my relationship with her via phone since it should be easier to say what I want and deal with it on my own and not have to depend on her. We had a conversation where she demanded that I apologize to her. When I asked what for, she said for leaving her alone and moving away to the military. I told her I would never apologize because she is the one put me out with no help. After two or three more conversations with her being drunk I stopped answering the phone. The last voicemail I listened to said "You are every reason abortion should be legal." I put my foot down, changed my number, and lost complete contact with her.


I said I wouldn't be happy till she was dead. I said I would never speak to her again. I said the sun would shine brighter and the air would be sweeter without being wasted on her. I am older now, and my emotional problems are less severe, but I still want a relationship. I have some amazing women in my life, aunts, step-mothers, friends, and co-workers who have been supportive and that gentle voice and shoulder for me. But it's still not enough. I want MY mom, I want to talk to HER, I want to text HER, I want to love her and have her do the same for me.

Even through all of this, I want to try and mend my relationship. What can I do on my end to try and feel better about where we are, and put our past behind us, because it is doing nothing but hurting me?

DefofLov

First of all, big to you. Your mother has put you through a lot. Makes my heart hurt a bit.

Forgiveness is key. I also think acceptance is too. Forgiving and letting go of the past and then accepting her for who she is and trusting her to be that person. She sounds very narcissistic. Like she is not capable of acknowledging her wrongdoing.

In my opinion, you deserve an apology and some major efforts on her part to reconcile. Will she be able to do that? I don't know.

I am working on forgiving my father personally. It is not easy and I pray to God to heal both me and my father. I pray to God that we may be on speaking terms one day. I need to forgive my father and let go of past pains. Turning it over to God (step 3) is the only way I know how to do that. I am not even sure I want to reconcile, but I do want and deserve peace in my heart on the matter.

One more thing. I am so proud of you. What an amazing and beautiful person you are. You survived and you are thriving. And what a huge heart you have that you want her in your life and you want to love her. You are a beautiful person inside and out.

Consider attending done Al-Anon or ACOA meetings. You may find some wonderful insight and support there.

Much love,

Lily

semajyargg

Everyday I try and think that she will change, that she will finally understand what's she has done wrong and try and change it. But it still doesn't work. But I don't want to hold on to this anymore. Being jealous of my partner for having their mom, never having "that rock" I feel everyone deserves in a parent, and having to force myself to keep my distance.

I feel I developed an anger problem because of her, which I have had to maintain now. I lost the love of my life because I acted just like her. But after he left me, I've had plenty of time to do some self reflection and try and let most of it go. I've written her a million letters she will never see.

If some of my family members can see the light on her that is hidden by all that darkness, I feel that I should be able to as well.

Thank you. Others have heard these memories and it feels so good to have it out there. It's no longer just out little secrets, or something to hold me back anymore. It means a lot to have support.

dbh

Welcome semajyargg!

Thank you for sharing your story. The maturity that you have at age 23 is remarkable. I didn't even start to scratch the surface of effects of my upbringing until I was in my mid-thirties.

Therapy and following a 12-step program (meetings, on-line support, books, and workbooks) helped me to heal from my past.

I agree that acceptance and forgiveness were important parts of my healing process. I also had to develop the ability to set boundaries so that I wouldn't continued to be hurt by toxic family members. It required going no-contact for awhile while I worked on myself. My brother and I still don't talk because our relationship feels unhealthy to me.

Keep coming back.

db

Mracoa

Welcome to SR. You will find lots of stories here. Thank you for sharing yours.

I find by reading other peoples stories I find perspectives on my own that I've not considered. I don't think any of us can tell you what's exactly right for you in your situation. But we can help one another figure out why we feel the way we do, and how to work toward being whole again.

What your Mom has done to you is truley devastating. We want so much as children to please our parents and to get thier approval. The 1st thing I hope for you, is that you realize you are not the source of her pain. It was their before, and would have been thier no matter what you did, or how 'good' you tried to be.

So, there is hope. Become your own nurturing parent. Set some boundries on your relationship with your Mom. You need to decide which boundries to set, and how to express them.

Once your mother realizes you don't need her, and won't deal with her crazymaking behavior, she will have to make a choice. Either vilify you, and withdraw, or accept and maintain at least a facade of civility to keep you talking to her. You need to prepare for either choice. Being afraid of her withdrawing will give her power. take that power back by being willing to let her go. I went no contact several times with my AF from age 16 to age 26. The longest stretch was 3 years. But most were at least a year. Eventually it sunk in that the boundries I set were firm. We see eachother at least once a year, sometimes twice if he can stay sober for Thanksgiving. We talk a few times per year by phone. Not the 'ideal' father/son relationship, but it works for me.

Keep sharing, i'm glad you found SR.

Jur123

I can totally relate to what you are saying. My mother also would constantly put the blame of us, made up things and told that to others (on my birthday she told our neighbours that I stole her expensive jewlery), accused my friends of ridiculous things (that my boyfriend stole her body shaping underwear), etc. I went no contact for a while, then we got in contact again, however during our first conversation on the phone after a year of no contact she said something like "How did you dare to go no contact with me? You made me look like a bad mother". After that she was nicer to me, but still far from a normal mother (I moved to a different country and she knew that she won't be able to manipulate me just because of the distance so maybe that's why she was nicer to me who knows). She passed away a couple of years ago. I felt a terrible sadness when she passed away. I didn't expect that especially knowing how complicated our relationships were, but I guess in my heart I always loved her and hoped that she'll be a normal mother. This is just my situation and yours may turn completely different

Kialua

I've shared before that at a very young age, 3 years old, that I very clearly realized that my parents were nuts and I was never ever going to be like them. I detached at that young age. I never got any affection or sanity from them, (I invite you to read my blog on this site) and I never expected anything from them from that time on. I ended up at 20 something being very forgiving and doing my part as a dutiful daughter ON MY TERMS, refuting any guilt, not expecting a thing from them. All my life, I was emotionally distant. Yes it protected me, and yes it has had some bumps in the road but overall it was very successful.

Sure I wish I had a happy family sometimes, we all do. I also wish I could fly, I wish I was young, skinny and beautiful, I wish the moon was cheese.

But this is hand we were dealt. Our parents cannot be who we need. Period. They probably never will be. Love someone else. Love yourself, heal yourself, forgive without expecting anything in return. We had one post that said forgiving is not forgetting and letting it continue, but likened it to a bank loan that doesn't have to be repaid. Does that make sense?

I used to have the song "I'll be glad when you're dead you rascal you" by Louie Armstrong running in my head all the time. Not morbidly but just matter of fact.
I'LL BE GLAD WHEN YOU'RE DEAD, YOU RASCAL YOU by Louis Armstrong 1931 - YouTube

Please read over the stickies above, there is so much collected wisdom there. Good luck.

semajyargg

I want to truly thank each one of you for stopping and taking a minute to share your thoughts.

It was three years after I didn't reply in the military that I spoke to my mother again. I have tried to mend several other times, but it always screws up. The first time she said she has stopped all drugs...period. Not even thirty minutes later I went to smoke a joint to calm down and she begged to hit it...but you aren't doing drugs anymore?? (Please don't judge.) The next time at Thanksgiving, she said she thought we had forgiven each other for everything that happened between us...and I told her nothing has been forgiven yet.

But I have very high hopes for this time. I've been spending the last year picking myself up front the most complete bottom I've known and building a new man that doesn't have the anger problem, or the suicidal thoughts, or feelings self-loathing. I love myself completely, which is the first time I have been able to say that my entire life. And I show so much love to those that surround me, and I want her to feel it too.

I know I must set boundaries, and I have help from other family members on where those boundaries should be. I'm going to take it easy, and slow, and at my own pace.


Thank you all again truly!

EveningRose

On reading your story, I personally see you going back into the same cycle again, hoping once again that she's changed although there is no indication at all that she has.

Forgiveness and compassion (or perhaps pity is more accurate at this stage of her existence) are key. The compassion component is all that has allowed me to forgive my parents, looking at their childhoods, the 50 years of abusive marriage for my mother, their continued poor choices that have made their lives miserable, and I have compassion (or is it pity, and does it matter? I don't know.)

When I have that, I can forgive, because I understand clearly it was nothing to do with me, ever. They were two messed-up, miserable people who chose to wallow in the bitterness and hurt and lash out, instead of behaving like adults and nurturing and loving the people (their children) who would finally put good and love and light back into their lives.

Look at your own successes. Choosing to put good into my own life is another key component for me. Choosing to live with integrity. Choosing to do my best and put happiness into someone else's life. As a result, I'm happy with my own life, and can genuinely pray for them that they would some day have the same happiness.

I strongly recommend al-anon. Go to meetings. Read the daily readings. Talk with people who understand and have moved along that path of forgiveness and can help you. Keep coming here to talk.

I found EMDR therapy helpful, too.

I also do not believe that 'forgiveness' requires continually trying to build a relationship with people who are determined to keep going back to the same 'relationship' you've always had, and it seems to me that your mother is still in that place.

ACOA12

((((Samajyargg))))

I am sorry for the situation with your mom. I don't have any good advice, really. I just want to tell you that I am sorry. God bless you.

Jody675

welcome

sounds like you have lived 1000yrs of pain and not just 23. sometimes life just sucks hey!

my bfs mum was an alcoholic and addict, and he has some pretty horrific memories of what his chidhood was like. like you he just wants a mother who will love him, tell him how proud of him she is, be there when times are tough, and share when they are amazing. but the fact of the matter is, she isnt that person today. this still hurts, and he will continue in the pain cycle until he has had enough.

basically, our parents dont make conscience decisions to be bs parents. they are the best parents they can be given the tools they currently have. (it looks like your mum might have been in line for something else when they were handing out parenting tools.) when you can accept that she is giving you the best she can, you might stop wishing she was more, and just accept her for who she is. that is not saying you have to put up with bs. that just means you stop expecting her to be more than she is. you sound like you have many amazing people in your life that are there for you and are proud of the man you have become despite all of the life you were brought up in. you should be proud of yourself. id encourage you to go get some counselling so you can help stop this cycle with your mum. she is toxic in your life and maybe if you learn to detach with love you may find some peace within.

i wish you all the luck. you sound like an amazing young man.