STaylor98

I had an appointment with my counseling center, but my grandmother so I needed to cancel it (Im handling her death good , shes in a better place) . Theres a huge waiting list. Thats why Im venting on here and not to a counseler. I just dont know what to do. Its so frustrating that my dad still effects me. I was having the best day. I even made a facebook status saying nothing could bring me down. My dad is called me and told me about his depression and I encouraged him to go to the counseler to talk about his problems with my mom (to me hes being self centered and I cant tell him this or he will get mad). We hung up on a positive note and then he sends me a text saying "That hes feels alone with this clown (Idk if hes talking about my mom) and that he needs me to help with something. He cant take it anymore". This really upset me. Idk why? Maybe its the thought of him abandoning my mom that triggered me to cry or maybe its the fact that I him being sad makes me sad. I know he will always effects me but I just want to be better. I guess my question is what next? Can someone give me tips or things that they tell them selves when they get sad so they dont freak out. I have been doing good but I want to improve and If i do university counseling I will have to wait a couple months between each appointment. Are their any work books? I can work through while reading (I know that may sound silly) Thank you guys. I really appreciate anything anyone has to offer.

Jody675

ST one of the biggest lessons i have learnt (and still learning) is letting other people deal with their own problems, and not be emotionally involved and think i have to be part of the solution. your dad is an adult and it is very unhealthy for him to be coming to you and dumping this stuff on you. when you truly believe that statement, you will have learnt to let go of that emotional connection. im not saying not love your dad, and support your dad, and if he asks you to take him to the counsellor then take him. but you are not there to be his dumping ground while you are are unable to detach with love. i havent read it, but im pretty sure that "co-dependency no more" has things like this in it.

one of the most powerful things we can do is acknowledge our feelings as worthy. i use to do this by writing. you could write your dad a letter (on paper is best and don't send it). just getting your feelings out of you, and seeing them there in black and white, makes it so much more real. you can then decide how much of that you own, and how much of it your dad or other family members own. learning to only own your own emotions, and not blame others for them is a huge step, for you can only change yourself. i read a book once called passionate marriage. great book, not really about making your actual marriage passionate, but how to make the marriage within yourself more loving and peaceful. i learnt that all the pain, hurt, anger, frustration i was feeling were my feelings and that they came from the choices i had made. which freed me to realise that if i was feeling these because of choices i made, i could make other choices and feel a lot happier. i had control of how my life would be, and how i felt about that. sure some of the emotions were from my crap childhood (i was sexually abused as a young child, and my mum really had no idea about how to openly love, so i really didnt know how to feel or give myself in a healthy way) but i was now an adult and so had choices i could make to rectify that. counselling is a great choice, and so is reading. believe it or not, counsellors are not there to really tell you what your problems are. they are their to help guide you, so you can find the source of your problems, as there is only person who knows you that well, and that is yourself. they are there to help give you the tools to help deal with these emotions and issues, but to be honest it is your job to find the source. so pick something you want to work on, maybe making strong and healthy boundaries with your dad, and look for books on that. when that is under control, start looking at something else you are ready to tackle. these will all fall into place and could be very painful, or not. dont fight it, just feel it, and know that it is completely normal, and healthy to feel hurt or betrayed or whatever it is you are feeling. and also go and do things that you enjoy doing, and FEEL the happiness that it brings. dont hold back. just enjoy it. even if its just a quiet smile, just feel it and enjoy it.

hope that helps, and im sorry to hear about your grandmother. am glad she is in good place.

STaylor98

Thank you so much for that response . sometimes it feels like I will never get better but I have to think that at one time I was very suicidal and couldnt see a day where that would go away and now I that thought never crosses my mind. Im strong and smart. I just need to make that detachment. I dont know how to make it without making it obvious to my dad. I want to consider his feelings to, am i wrong for that? Thats an excellent point that you make, my feelings are my own and I have to learn to control them. (if thats what you meant lol). I am going to get a book next time I get paid. maybe Ill make a list of things to work on and start there. Maybe dealing with self confidence will be first. I think that if I was more confident Id have alot more courage to stand up for my self or see the worth of my feelings.
Warm Regards and thank you again.

Jody675

you have choices and when you realise that you are where you are today because of the choices you make, then you might start to realise that you now have control over making happier and healthier choices.

try reading the stickies on codependency in the mean time, or go to a library and borrow some books. dont have to buy everything when you can get them for free.

obviously ANY change that you make with your dad will be obvious. but its called detaching with love for a reason. you can tell your dad you love him, but you are not going to be his sounding board anymore until he is ready to do something positive in his life. when he starts going on about his problems, tell him you love him, and you want him to be happy, but you cant be the one he turns to about this. thats what his wife or friends are for. you have tried all you can to help, but obviously it isnt helping, so maybe find someone who can offer better advise as you have your own issues at the moment to work on. then say goodbye and hang up. do this everytime and things will start to change. not for the better at first, but eventually he will get it, and so will you.

learning to love yourself is the first step. look on the net, post on this site, talk to your friends, and you will start finding the courage to speak up for what is best for you. for you and your feelings are worth the effort.

STaylor98

Your right. I feel like once I get over the firs time telling him that a huge weight will be lifted off my shoulder. I know it will cause tension and I think as a acoa I have become a people pleaser. Especially for my father. I know if I tell him I'm depressed too or dealing with mu demons as well maybe it will open his eyes. Thank you for your help I will go to the library free is always a better option lol

Kialua

Have you looked above at our helpful stickies? There is a list of books which we all recommended, each one which books helped us. I'm sure you will find one or more that will help greatly.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oks-acoas.html

Yes your Dad is waaaaay out of line dumping on you like that. He is the Dad you're the kid. You didn't say he was an alcoholic but it is typical behavior, only care about himself and not what damage he is inflicting on you. What nerve. Have a phone number for suicide hotline or a pastor he can call to talk to next time he does this and tell him to knock it off. We teach people how to treat us. You do sound like you are in a good place for even asking for tips. Good luck, work on you. I've said before how can you help someone else until you help yourself? It's like being on a plane and the oxygen masks drop down, you have to put yours on to help others. Take care of yourself first.

VickiACA

STaylor,

If you have active addiction in your life then I would suggest Alanon. It will dovetail nicely with counseling work once you can get an apptmt.

If no active addiction you might look and see if there are ACA meetings in your area. If not consider Alanon meetings that focus on adult children - sometimes they use the books Survival to Recovery or Hope for Today.

Not sure what you mean by freaking out? Personally I might be in favor of freaking out. It might be better than stuffing your feelings. If you feel sad - feel sad. Do some reading about feelings. They pass. They also provide knowledge. What is your sadness telling you?

Take a look at your actions? Are you isolating? Avoiding fun activities???

I have a workbook on Depression - it's not my favorite but it might help you find the right materials for you. It's called "The Mindfulness & Acceptance Workbook for Depression" by Strosahl & Robinson - by New Harbinger Publications. The publish alot of materials that focus on using ACT(Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.)

Best wishes.
Vicki

STaylor98

Kialua-

Your right. I need to just tell him. I want to in a nice way but he might not get it. No one in my family ever really talked about my dad. It was brushed under the rug alot of the time. My dad is an acoholic. He cant remember alot of the horrible things he has done and no one reminds him so its difficult to tell him. With his state of depression I dont want to upset him further but I am working up the courage to tell him in a good way but also a way to get across what I need to say and for him to get it. thank you. You've commented on some of my other post and you're always very insightful.

Vicki-
By freaking out I mean reacting really fastly. I mean I guess I have learned to bottle it up inside. So certain burst of emotion isnt normal for me. They are triggered by random things and I understand that it is okay to feel. One day I wrote a journal and I started off sad and crying and wrote through that, then anger, and then i had clarity. It was a great feeling to just realise. Thank you for the suggestion. Im always scared that group things will bring up alot of pain. I used to think if I dealt with the pain in my life I would go crazy, because it hurts so much but its time I took that step. I think it would help more than hurt. I will definately try to get to a meeting. thank you