Didn't realize how deep I was in turmoil
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Didn't realize how deep I was in turmoil
Until I found my old yearbooks last weekend. I read through them and it was like piecing together a mystery.
It's been so long since I've had drink, and my life has been pretty much of a straight line open book since high school. But growing up with an alcoholic father and the chaos that involves things are lost to memory, thankfully I guess.
I drank excessively in high school, something I thought I would never do. My plan was to quit school, run away and get my own apartment with my job when I turned 16 so I could get away from my crazy alcoholic home.
My two older brothers got wind of my plan as I applied to quit school and came to my school one day. They got permission to take me for the day and we went downtown. The first stop was at the new insurance building just completed. It had graceful contemporary arches surrounded by an infinite edgeless pool with walkways to the building. We went in to the top floor where my brother introduced me to the lady sitting at the desk. She was beautiful and well dressed. He told her I wanted to quit school and asked her if she did. She said no, then said she could never have worked there if she had quit school. He asked her if she liked her job and details of her day. She was very pleasant and introduced met to other working there who had the same story, don't quit school. We thanked them and left.
They said they were hungry for lunch so we went to the old drugstore with a lunch counter. A very loud lady with excessive makeup and hairdo took our order and left. She would have been very attractive but for the worn out life she was living. When she returned with our food, my brothers started chatting with her. They again told her of my plan to quit school. She said she had quit school too. She told me she would get me a job there with her if I needed it but it wasn't a very nice place to work for and didn't make much money. She introduced me to the others working there, an old woman with very large legs who had trouble walking, and several others. They all had quit high school. My brother asked our server why she didn't try to get a better job. She said she had tried but couldn't because of quitting school and the only job she could find now 10 years later was this one.
After we left lunch we walked back to the insurance building and stood looking at it. They asked me which future did I want, one like the women in this building or one like the lady serving our lunch. The message was loud and clear and made the desired impact. I told them I just couldn't live like this anymore. They said, just hang in there for three more years and life would change.
I did stay in school but it wasn't easy. I drank my way through school to the point that I graduated third from the bottom of the class, something I found out in the graduation program I found inside the yearbook. I sat in school just staring out the windows. Ahh 6 hours away from home, 5 hours away from home, 4 hours away from home, 3 hours away from home, 2 hours away from home, 1 hour away from home. Sigh, have to go home, or to work.
During the day I had friends that lived near the school that supplied beer. Several times a day I would duck out and get a quick drink and of course party all weekend. We had another guy that would let us party at his house, which was empty but for the bedroom. I took an extra job working nights at a photo lab and in my thermos was whisky. In 12th grade my beer friend was shot and killed by the state patrol for transporting beer across state lines. He wouldn't stop when they tried to pull him over. That and several other incidents like blacking out, led me to quit drinking in 12th grade.
Just recently my brother told me he didn't know I was getting beat daily till I was 18. He asked "Why didn't you tell us, we would have stopped him!" I just thought they knew. I thought everyone knew and didn't care.
My oldest brother ran away from home at 12 and lived by his wits. My other brother started body building and threatened my alcoholic Dad and it worked. He wasn't beat anymore and he thought no one was. It was just him, me and the youngest favored at home then. The youngest was never beat. So it was just me being beat till I was 18. To escape the beatings I was sent to my sisters on weekends to take care of her children while she partied, and to my other sisters on weekdays during the summer to take care of her children while she worked. When things heated up occasionally I would run to my brothers house to hide out, since his fall out with my Alcoholic Dad was total no-contact it made it the perfect place to hide.
This life of working, partying, school and hiding out continued till I graduated and made my own way.
The newly discovered yearbooks showed me a life I knew nothing about:
• My best friend was President of the class
• My other best friend was captain of the football team and snow king
• Our class play had a scene where these two quarreled and I ran up on stage stopping them, thinking it was a real fight. Everyone got so mad at me but I just couldn't understand why.
• This girl friends boyfriend went to our school, I thought he didn't, but he was Homecoming King
• This girlfriend graduated near the top, but partied with me daily
On and on it went as I read through the year books. Clearly my memories and the reality of high school were two different things. I knew that my drinking impacted my life but wasn't aware of how deeply until now, I was out of control. Now I know why everyone ran from me when we graduated. When I stopped drinking totally they still partied so I was left out.
What an eye opener, many blanks are now filled in. I guess we all cope with life's difficulties differently. I knew nothing of AA back then and there were no counselors who understood teen drinking in the '70's. I'm glad there are so many other opportunities to get healthy and deal with abuses today. This forum is one that has helped many.
It's been so long since I've had drink, and my life has been pretty much of a straight line open book since high school. But growing up with an alcoholic father and the chaos that involves things are lost to memory, thankfully I guess.
I drank excessively in high school, something I thought I would never do. My plan was to quit school, run away and get my own apartment with my job when I turned 16 so I could get away from my crazy alcoholic home.
My two older brothers got wind of my plan as I applied to quit school and came to my school one day. They got permission to take me for the day and we went downtown. The first stop was at the new insurance building just completed. It had graceful contemporary arches surrounded by an infinite edgeless pool with walkways to the building. We went in to the top floor where my brother introduced me to the lady sitting at the desk. She was beautiful and well dressed. He told her I wanted to quit school and asked her if she did. She said no, then said she could never have worked there if she had quit school. He asked her if she liked her job and details of her day. She was very pleasant and introduced met to other working there who had the same story, don't quit school. We thanked them and left.
They said they were hungry for lunch so we went to the old drugstore with a lunch counter. A very loud lady with excessive makeup and hairdo took our order and left. She would have been very attractive but for the worn out life she was living. When she returned with our food, my brothers started chatting with her. They again told her of my plan to quit school. She said she had quit school too. She told me she would get me a job there with her if I needed it but it wasn't a very nice place to work for and didn't make much money. She introduced me to the others working there, an old woman with very large legs who had trouble walking, and several others. They all had quit high school. My brother asked our server why she didn't try to get a better job. She said she had tried but couldn't because of quitting school and the only job she could find now 10 years later was this one.
After we left lunch we walked back to the insurance building and stood looking at it. They asked me which future did I want, one like the women in this building or one like the lady serving our lunch. The message was loud and clear and made the desired impact. I told them I just couldn't live like this anymore. They said, just hang in there for three more years and life would change.
I did stay in school but it wasn't easy. I drank my way through school to the point that I graduated third from the bottom of the class, something I found out in the graduation program I found inside the yearbook. I sat in school just staring out the windows. Ahh 6 hours away from home, 5 hours away from home, 4 hours away from home, 3 hours away from home, 2 hours away from home, 1 hour away from home. Sigh, have to go home, or to work.
During the day I had friends that lived near the school that supplied beer. Several times a day I would duck out and get a quick drink and of course party all weekend. We had another guy that would let us party at his house, which was empty but for the bedroom. I took an extra job working nights at a photo lab and in my thermos was whisky. In 12th grade my beer friend was shot and killed by the state patrol for transporting beer across state lines. He wouldn't stop when they tried to pull him over. That and several other incidents like blacking out, led me to quit drinking in 12th grade.
Just recently my brother told me he didn't know I was getting beat daily till I was 18. He asked "Why didn't you tell us, we would have stopped him!" I just thought they knew. I thought everyone knew and didn't care.
My oldest brother ran away from home at 12 and lived by his wits. My other brother started body building and threatened my alcoholic Dad and it worked. He wasn't beat anymore and he thought no one was. It was just him, me and the youngest favored at home then. The youngest was never beat. So it was just me being beat till I was 18. To escape the beatings I was sent to my sisters on weekends to take care of her children while she partied, and to my other sisters on weekdays during the summer to take care of her children while she worked. When things heated up occasionally I would run to my brothers house to hide out, since his fall out with my Alcoholic Dad was total no-contact it made it the perfect place to hide.
This life of working, partying, school and hiding out continued till I graduated and made my own way.
The newly discovered yearbooks showed me a life I knew nothing about:
• My best friend was President of the class
• My other best friend was captain of the football team and snow king
• Our class play had a scene where these two quarreled and I ran up on stage stopping them, thinking it was a real fight. Everyone got so mad at me but I just couldn't understand why.
• This girl friends boyfriend went to our school, I thought he didn't, but he was Homecoming King
• This girlfriend graduated near the top, but partied with me daily
On and on it went as I read through the year books. Clearly my memories and the reality of high school were two different things. I knew that my drinking impacted my life but wasn't aware of how deeply until now, I was out of control. Now I know why everyone ran from me when we graduated. When I stopped drinking totally they still partied so I was left out.
What an eye opener, many blanks are now filled in. I guess we all cope with life's difficulties differently. I knew nothing of AA back then and there were no counselors who understood teen drinking in the '70's. I'm glad there are so many other opportunities to get healthy and deal with abuses today. This forum is one that has helped many.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I ran with that party crowd in Jr. High and most of High School myself. Until one of the folks on that scene committed suicide. That woke me up and I stopped the partying. He had been at my house about 8 hours before he put a gun in his mouth and blew his own brains out.
Interesting comment about folks running from you when you stopped partying. The all so familiar feelings of abandonment. I was on the flip side of that. I was major contact into some of the larger gangs and could always get my hands on some premium weed, and I always held a job so had money. When I quit, all my old 'friends' tried so hard to get me back on the party scene. It wasn't even that they cared about ME. They just couldn't find good weed like I could get. Selfish pricks the lot of em. It was very painful to learn that so called friends only cared about what you bring to the table, not about YOU.
Interesting comment about folks running from you when you stopped partying. The all so familiar feelings of abandonment. I was on the flip side of that. I was major contact into some of the larger gangs and could always get my hands on some premium weed, and I always held a job so had money. When I quit, all my old 'friends' tried so hard to get me back on the party scene. It wasn't even that they cared about ME. They just couldn't find good weed like I could get. Selfish pricks the lot of em. It was very painful to learn that so called friends only cared about what you bring to the table, not about YOU.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Sex was my way out of dealing with reality. Someone cared about me (or so I thought), and that made me feel good. From 14 on through about 27, I thought that was what love was. Sex= affection and feeling from another human being. It wasn't until I met my now-husband that I realized that it was possible to just BE with someone and be totally, completely HAPPY. I can be content with the life I have now: two children with a third on the way any day now, two great stepchildren who visit us at Christmas and for summer break, and a wonderful husband who goes out every day and works his a$$ off for his country and his family. Enough is finally enough for me, but some days I drift back into the what-ifs and long for no responsibility. I figure that's par for the course and will get better with more time, more therapy, and more Al-Anon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
NWGRITS I'm glad for you to have found your contentment. It's highly sought after, cherish it.
Yeah, MrThekla they wanted me to keep on partying as I was the instigator and organizer of our little Soirées but I just couldn't. They didn't understand anyone quitting drinking and partying back then, so they just assumed I was mad or something and kind of left me out. The school was like a magnet school located downtown in a large metro area, so after high school we all scattered back into our own neighborhoods and lives.
When I finally attended the 20 year reunion I made sure I had a cup and saucer of black coffee all night. There was a steady procession of onlookers passing my table whispering "i told you she isn't drinking.. i can't believe she isn't drinking.. look coffee.. what do you got in that coffee.." Add to that the fact that I went to church, well I just the odd duck out.
The very very happy odd duck out.
Yeah, MrThekla they wanted me to keep on partying as I was the instigator and organizer of our little Soirées but I just couldn't. They didn't understand anyone quitting drinking and partying back then, so they just assumed I was mad or something and kind of left me out. The school was like a magnet school located downtown in a large metro area, so after high school we all scattered back into our own neighborhoods and lives.
When I finally attended the 20 year reunion I made sure I had a cup and saucer of black coffee all night. There was a steady procession of onlookers passing my table whispering "i told you she isn't drinking.. i can't believe she isn't drinking.. look coffee.. what do you got in that coffee.." Add to that the fact that I went to church, well I just the odd duck out.
The very very happy odd duck out.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Thank you, Kialua. No matter how well we're doing, we're still ACoA. We still fight every day like an A does in recovery. My ACoA traits are far from gone from my life, but I know that learning to accept my life as it was and looking forward are what will get me through. My husband has put up with a lot from me in the past couple years. I've regressed into old habits for a time, and it's made our relationship tense. Thankfully he understands that this us a daily struggle for me, and that I need to just keep putting one foot in front of the other in the right direction. I wish I had been able to do this sooner, but I know that my HP knew that I needed him and made sure that we made our way back to each other (I had run from him because I didn't feel that I deserved someone who genuinely cared about me. Good old ACoA brainwashing.).
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