SquatchHunter

I have been dating/living with an acoa for almost six years. During the first 4 1/2 years, everything was wonderful and the relationship was going great. I bought a house for us in preparation for marriage and since then, our relationship has gone to crap. We argue constantly, never have sex, are always stressed, and I'm seriously considering leaving her. The problem is I love her and I long for the days before we had our own home. She is a good person, just raised by two krappy parents. We have been in couples' therapy for several months and there has been no progress. Recently or therapist told us that she's suffering from symptoms of and ACOA. This revelation has caused an even further deterioration in our relationship. Sorry for the long back story, but I'm am looking for advise. I don't want to leave her, but I can't live like this. Is there any chance that she could become her old self with counseling or am I hoping for something not likely to happen. If that's the case, I'd like some recommendations on how to break off the relationship without causing more damage to her already damaged psychie.

StillLearning1

I just started attending ACOA.
I can only answer for myself, with the knowledge I have today.

My "old self"... I could not be that person again, nor would I want to be.
You said, things have gotten even worse, since your therapist thinks she is suffering from symptoms of ACOA. Is she open to looking at going to a meeting? Doing any reading on it?
You are miserable.... Oh my, that is not good, for you or her.
Maybe ask the counselor? Hopefully someone further along, will come along with more input. But honesty.. Even if it hurts at the time, I've appreciated the people I've had in my life, who had the courage to be honest with me.

Kialua

[QUOTE=SquatchHunter;3528862]We argue constantly, never have sex, are always stressed, and I'm seriously considering leaving her./QUOTE]

This could be any marriage. Seriously. Buying a house and setting up marriage is very stressful for many people. That said, therapy may have opened up old hidden wounds that she has to deal with and it could be hard. If you care for you will help. If you can't help, now you know.

I have found that most ACOA's usually turn things inward and it doesn't really show and affect others that much. There may be other things going on here besides her childhood:

Has anything else also changed in your lives recently? Jobs, deaths, births?
Is she mad at you for anything you've done?
Is she in school?
How's her job?
Does she have kids?
Does she drink/do drugs?
Do you over drink/do drugs?
How is her mental health in general not just ACOA?

Mracoa

Only you can determine how much you can handle. But realize as and ACOA, she needs your support and understanding. That's something she hasn't had a lot of in her life. She will have a hard time recognizing and accepting it as loving behavior from you. In time, that will improve. Right now focus on communication. If she is anything like me, she want's you to understand her, but is afraid to open up. It's terrifying to think someone else might actually accept me for who I am.

I've been married for 20 years now. And it hasn't been easy for me, or for my wife. We have has several 'rough patches'. You will have good days, and bad days. You will need to decide if the good days are worth riding through the bad ones. They are for my wife and I. I hope they will be for the two of you as well. Good luck.

EveningRose

In looking back over my life, now understanding I'm an ACOA and all that means and how it did and could have affected me, in looking back over 23 years married to another ACOA, my feeling is that, as adults, we choose our paths.

I have chosen, since I was 15 or 16, to read books to help myself, to look at my problems, to try to be a better person, to see my flaws and fix them--for instance, I was just telling a friend tonight how, at age 16, after an entire childhood of listening to both my parents swear a blue streak, and hating every second of it, I finally started swearing, too. It took a few years, but I realized I HATED being around parents who swore, and I didn't want to be that person, myself. I quit swearing. Some days, even now 25+ years later, a word slips out, but I rarely swear. I made my choice.

My ex-husband, on the other hand, also an ACOA, has spent his life seeking approval and lying and many of the other things on the ACOA list. He is a wreck because he didn't do the work on himself.

Your girlfriend may be an ACOA. But she also has a choice. And, as someone else said, the things she's doing may not necessarily stem from that, anyway.

Plath

I agree with what Kialua said. That could describe any marriage, when stressors like buying a new home, preparing for a marriage, etc. are happening. Those are usually happy events, but they can put a lot of strain on anyone, especially ACAs.

It's very true, there may be a lot more going on right now, and relationships (and marriages) have their ups and downs. I do think that, as someone else mentioned, communication is imperative.
Good luck.

SLady

I am not sure whether what I said is relevant, or whether it applies to some ACOAs, but I do know that my ACOA husband has this 'irrational' fear of commitment/ marriage since his parents' marriage was a complete disaster. He was in his forties when we got married. He told me recently that marrying me was a huge leap of faith (risk) for him and he had to first overcome this fear. He realised that if he did not overcome this fear, he will have to live the rest of his life alone.

Since your relationship started to deteriorate around the time you were planning to get married, do you think it is possible that your partner may have the same irrational fear towards commitment/marriage and is pushing you away so that you leave her?

She may not even believe that her parents' alcoholism can affect her in this way. Therefore, it may be a good idea to get her and yourself some books eg., The Intimacy struggle by Janet Geringer Wotitiz will be a good start.

Let her read the books in her own time, do her own research and come to the conclusion herself.

ughh

Hi, I just got married to an adult child of an alcoholic, and we actually have his alcoholic mother living in our home. It's awful--I know. Growing up with "normal" parents, I didn't really understand what my husband's life was like with his mother until I lived with her. Now that I have the experience, and can kind of consider myself an ACA, I've talked to my husband about his mom and his experiences a LOT. He used to not want to talk about it, and internalized everything, and said he didn;t care about her, etc. I think now that he knows I'll understand, we actually have long conversations about his mom and he opens up a lot. Sometimes it turns out bad and we both get mad, but sometimes it turns out really well and we realize we're on the same page about it all.

I think that the more you can understand about your girlfriends life and experineces, the more you can talk and the less miserable you both will be. I know my situation is different, but just my two cents, I'm very new to this whole discussion forum thing.

SquatchHunter

Thanks for all the replies, I really appreciate them. Things are getting progressively worse, meaning she has been angry or sad more than she's happy. There have been stretches of multiple days where we don't even speak. The therapist said that she does have fears of commitment, because her parents marriage was/is a wreck. Multiple times in her youth moving in/out, with grandparents, etc. Parents are both alcoholics past/current. Occasional marihuana use her/I, very limited drinking her/I. Seems like no matter what I do/say lately I'm always wrong or we end up in an argument because of miscommunication. She has history of ADHD and possible OCD (waiting to get into a professional now for diagnoses). I really do love her and I know that she is going through a lot right now. I am also having a hard time dealing with the lack of communication/relationship/physical contact, I feel like I'm alone even though we live in the same house. Any words of advice on how to deal with the mood swings and anger?

farfaraway

Sorry you are going through this SquatchHunter. If your girlfriend doesn't see that there is a problem, it will be hard for things to change. The only behavior you can control is yours.

I am an ACOA and I messed up my first serious relationship with many of the behaviors you described about your girlfriend. Now I am married and sometimes it's an effort for me to treat my husband with the love he deserves, but it's an effort that I consciously make because I realized and accepted that I came into the world ill-equipped to love and communicate openly.

When I find myself growing distant or negative toward my husband, I pull myself back to reality by repeating to myself: "Love is a verb. Just do it." Maybe it doesn't sound very nice, but when you show love, you start to feel it (I do anyway). Whatever she does, just perform the action of loving her. There's not much else you can do really. She'll probably respond positively if you give her enough time.

I guess reading books on the topic would be a good idea for you to get informed, but I would think twice about showing them to her. Back when I didn't realize I had a problem, it would have made me super angry if my husband or boyfriend had me labeled as something and was reading books about it.