Plath

I realize that I don't check in to this forum half as much as I used to, although the thought has crossed my mind numerous times... I suppose life gets busy in the summer months, and therapy has been going well for me. I get a lot out of it, but not much that I feel equipped to always put into words.

However, I'm coming to a blockage with how to deal with people who trigger certain feelings, and I simply feel powerless. Powerless to assert myself, powerless to disengage from them (especially when they're people I have no choice but to be around or affected by to some degree), etc.

There have been things/people coming up in my life that are leaving me feeling bullied. I'm not actually being bullied by anyone, but it's bringing back the feelings of powerlessness (and not in the positive, AA sense of the term) that I felt when I was bullied by my mother, bullied in school, bullied by boyfriends of the past, etc. Like I can't escape or defend myself.

That has been a long story and theme in my life. Being bullied with no way to escape or defend myself. And I've noticed that certain types of toxic people (particularly a specific breed of toxic females) really set off these triggers for me.

I came to the unpleasant realization that I'm afraid of these people. Afraid that they will destroy my life or peace of mind in some way, afraid that they will divide me from those I love... And, in my past experiences, this is what has actually happened when I've encountered such people, so it makes sense that there is a deep fear within me when they're pushed into my life.

My brother in-law is a low-level misogynist. You wouldn't know it from meeting him casually, but I've developed a sense for these people, and I am both grossed out by his presence, and simultaneously afraid of him.

He's now dating a creepy, screwed up, toxic, drama/chaos addict of a "woman" who was, up until recently, an unwanted part of my life, due to her friendship with my MIL. My MIL became disgusted by her behavior and has disengaged from her entirely (to my amazement and some level of skepticism), and my husband actually stated, under no uncertain terms, that she was not welcome in our house or around our son, and never will be.

However, my BIL and his new choice of dating material have me obsessed over "How am I going to get these people out of my life?!" as it seems inevitable that I will have to deal with both of them, to some degree, and they are both very toxic, unhealthy people who create drama in their lives (and subsequently in the lives of the people around them).

I've tried working with my inner child about these feelings, but I've really reached a block. As an adult, I still don't feel equipped to deal with such people, so it's very difficult for me to offer comfort for my inner child. I feel that I have no tools for this.

Also, I don't know how to deal with people who ignore me when they don't want to talk about something that I've brought up. My husband is awful about it (as is his brother, go figure). I try to explain to him that it only makes it worse when he ignores me if I ask him a question or make a statement (such as "the baby is getting a little cold, we should shut the window") that he doesn't want to deal with or talk about, but I dunno...I guess he just expects me to accept the fact that he doesn't want to communicate, and just "suck it up" if I don't like something?

I'm sure that I could approach some things much more diplomatically, or just leave some topics alone when I know that there's no valid reason that it just *has* to be brought up, but when it comes to simple, basic things that actually need to be talked about or discussed, I simply don't know how to deal with someone who ignores me. I react, as it's a trigger, and I become persistent and then relentless, and then it's an argument full of nasty, hateful feelings.

I'm at a loss with this stuff right now, and therapy has been hard for it, as there are so many blockages. What to do...?

Kialua

I don't have much advice on this one other than two things.
First, I just don't engage with people that I don't like or are toxic to me. Period. I don't care who they are or how they are related to me. I am very good at disengaging.
Second, men and women are sooo very different and communicate different. Women are said to speak 30,000 words a day and men speak only 15,000 a day approximately. Add all those extra words to a man plus attitude and you've got trouble. So go easy with the husband.

Good luck, hang in there.

DesertEyes

Hello there Plath

Glad to hear therapy is working well for you, and that your life is busy. Nothing worse than an empty, boring life.

I've had a number of blockages, much like you describe. This is what works for me.

- A blockage means that I have reached a particular "item" in my recovery for which I do not yet have the tools to deal with, pretty much the way you said in your post. What is important for me to recognize is the "yet" component.

- I remind myself that at one point in my life _everything_ was a blockage. That gives me hope as it is evidence that blockages are temporary.

- Since all I am lacking is the relevant "tools" the solution is to develop new tools, _not_ to keep hammering my head against the blockage. You do not mention any hammering, I just bring this up because that is what _I_ do when I get "blocked", I get obsessed by the "block" and want to defeat it _now_.

- The best way to develop new tools is to change direction and go find some other "issue". One of the easier aspects of recovery is that "blocks" do not move. I can just go on to some other issues for _years_ and the blocks will still be there when I am good and ready to deal with them.

I had one "block" involving the concept of "divorce" that I simply set aside for 20 years. When I was finally equiped to deal with that block it had not changed, not one bit. It was still sitting right where I left it < okay, bad joke >

One of my underlying issues that affects my ability to deal with all other issues is a lack of patience with myself. I want to repair _all_ my issues immediately. Allowing myself time to heal is a "tool" that I am not very competent with, which in turn makes it difficult to deal with other issues. My experience has been that rushing through some part of my recovery simply does not work, I leave the job half done and just have to come back and re-do.

My recovery works best when I remind myself that it is a lot like watching the stars come out in the evening. They are going to come out in their own good time and the more I fidget the less I will enjoy them.

Mike

Plath

Thanks, guys.

Kialua, over the years I've become much better about disengaging entirely from toxic people, or people who just rub me the wrong way...but it feels so much more difficult with my husband's family. He's close to them, and very quick to defend them. I feel the same way about coworkers. I have no clue how to disengage from people who are in my life due to circumstances I have no control over. I've been fired from jobs because I didn't know how to deal with certain types of people, and how does one disengage from a coworker you have to be around for 8-10 hours a day? It seems beyond my comprehension.

I think it's a bit easier with my BIL and his disgusting new girlfriend (she has become increasingly inappropriate and weird since they began dating, which is why my husband and I decided to let everyone know that we were disengaging from her completely), as I don't necessarily have to be around either one of them at all if I don't want to, but it makes things a bit awkward...at least in my mind. The woman he's dating is never around, thankfully, as no one wants her around, but I think the obsessive fear that is circling around in my head is that *eventually* she will be around, and my husband and I will have to deal with her toxic craziness.

It's also very weird for me to be married to a man who doesn't enjoy talking/communicating about in-depth things. My previous relationship of ten years (yes, he was a jerk, but there were a few decent aspects there) would talk, laugh, go shopping, communicate about feelings, etc., with me, so it's hard for me to have patience when my husband doesn't seem willing to communicate even about the most basic, mundane, and important things.

Don't get me wrong...I am learning (slowly, yes) to choose my battles, and that just because I'm obsessing over something doesn't mean that my husband wants to hear about it or talk about it, and that's perfectly okay. It's hard for me, but I'm working on it.

Thank you Mike, that does sound like a possible plan. God knows there is enough "stuff" that comes up for me on a regular basis that I could easily choose something else to address during my next session.

What I've noticed this evening is that, after working on some of this stuff with myself after my last therapy session, I am feeling a tremendous amount of intense anger that would normally feel uncomfortable to me. The good thing is that I'm not feeling ashamed or guilty for feeling the way I do, I'm just allowing myself to feel it...and it feels good. I think I mean that in the sense that it feels good NOT to repress those feelings, but to allow myself to feel them.

There's always progress when that happens, so I'll keep trudging with it, one way or another.
I miss you all, we're going out of town again for the weekend, so I may be gone again for a little while.

Blessings to everyone, thanks for your responses and for reading my post.

Willybluedog

Hi Plath, so sorry you are struggling, glad the therapy is helping.

First off it sounds like you have married someone who is just not as communicative as you are, my first wife was that way, something we learned in couples therapy was to make an appointment to talk and set a time limit, but we agreed during that time 30 minutes or an hour to turn off the tv and our phones and really focus on each other, be honest with other and make a real effort to communicate. The other part of the agreement was that I would generally leave her alone about serious issues the rest of the time.

The other thing is something my therapist said recently, I often say or think I SHOULD do this or that. My therapist told me every time I see or hear the word SHOULD that I must treat it like a big red syop sign and examine all the motives attached to any SHOULD statement or behavior.

It has really helped me with the people in my life that were running me over (especially my parents) making unreasonable demands, piling stress on me, etc.

Dealing with co-workers is a whole separate ballgame, I bought a book at amazon on how to deal with anyone and it really helped me identify and deal with co-workers.

Best of luck,

Bill