cb12

I'm not sure where to start but I know I can't stay silent. My dad is camping at the beach this weekend with his wife and some of his work buddies. I went to say hello and a couple of things happened that I was not happy about.

I was not happy to have my dad's wife tell me, "Your dad hasn't had a drink since March and WE are working real hard on his drinking." WE?! WE?! Isn't sobriety a personal thing? Isn't it something that the alcoholic must do for her/himself for it to "stick"?

Next, she asks his boss to tell me what he thinks about my dad. He sang my dad's praises. "Oh, he's such a great guy, so laid back. I heard from a guy that used to work with your dad that he used to have a real bad temper at work when he was with your mom." okay, first of all: this man has known me for no more than 2mins. Secondly, who the fxck are you to bash and blame my mom like that? You don't have any fxcking clue what he put us through.

I'm not sure who I'm more angry with. My dad's wife for trying to "fix" my relationship with my father by doing stupid **** like asking if I wanted to go on a bike ride with my dad, take pics with my dad, forcing hugs. OR if I'm more angry at his boss for the things he said about my mom without knowing me or my family.

I don't want her to fix my relationship with my dad. She also tried to start talking to me about my brother and his issues with my dad. I told her that their relationship is their business and I stay out of it.

Lastly, my dad was drinking non-alcoholic beer today. I'm not sure where that falls in the sobriety "timeline" but to me it doesn't really make much sense.

I just don't have the "guts" yet to really draw boundaries with people. It's a skill that I really need to work on.

Thanks for letting me rant.

Kialua

Harsh. Yeah that would be a trigger. My parents stayed together but it's sort of like the favored sister (his new wife) telling me what a great Dad he was to her. Lame. I guess she means well, but she just doesn't have a clue. Hard to be really mad at her but she is just totally wrong, and so is his boss. When my Alcoholic dad died, there were so many people saying what a great guy he was, on an on ad nauseam. They just don't know what these people are like as Fathers. I understand.

Kialua

Another holiday, another trauma. Memorial Day today. That's how I looked at it for me for a long time.

Holidays just leave us raw and any tipping of the emotions just boil over and smart. I'm going to my brothers for a gathering of the bad kids, and my favored sister is having her gathering of the good kids. That's how it breaks down now decades later. And never the twain shall meet I guess.

Chris1000101

It is understandable there are a couple of things to be upset about. His boss was out of line there. A supervisor playing family therapist will find ramifications from HR if they are not careful.

As far as the non-alcoholic beer, he is messing with his sobriety. Too many don’t realize it but there is still alcohol in it, they have to drink four to six of them to get the effects of one normal beer. Another huge mistake is cooking with alcohol, it stays in the food, it does not cook out as many would like to think. Several colleges and the USDA, starting with the University of Cambridge more than 25 years ago, have done studies and every time have proved it to be true. Alcohol stays in the food, even when flamed, 75% of the alcohol remains. The link here is the USDA study the results are on the last page: http://www.nal.usda.gov/fnic/foodcom.../retn4_tbl.pdf


Yes it is. If someone new in recovery has others supporting them that’s great. For example, if others in the same house help by keeping all alcohol out of the house for the first few months it can make things easier. The alcoholic will eventually learn that they can still be around it and not drink. Yes, ultimately, they have to do it for themselves but I need to remember that alcoholism is a family disease.

When a part of my bio-family found me a few years back, I had my own thing to be angry about. After a year of talks, my bio-dads behavior came up. His mother, my bio-grandma, insisted he could walk on water. According to her, the hospital visits did not happen. The photos that the police took were tampered with. And, I was brainwashed by the judge and children services. Needless to say, that bridge was burned and I have had no contact with any of them since. It is just one more reminder that alcoholism is a family disease. Had sis or I stayed with them, one of us if not both of us would be dead today. My anger at the time was hoping it was just him and not the hole darn family.

dbh

Dear cb,

Thank you for sharing.

If I was in a similar situation, I would be angry too!

When my father developed dementia, so many people would lecture me on how we need to take care of our parents. The more I heard this the angrier I got. Clearly, people who feel this way were not brought up in dysfunctional homes.

I would often respond, that he wasn't a very good father and I was doing the best that I could. Or say things like, "I didn't have a very good childhood and this is difficult for me."

My father never remarried, but he lived with his alcoholic girlfriend for almost ten years. He would often have her call me and to tell me how much my dad missed me and wanted to see me. That drove me crazy too.

At his funeral, a number of people came up to me and told me what a great person he was. At that time I worked through a lot of my anger already and I was actually at a place were I was grateful to know that he wasn't 100% bad.

What makes a good drinking buddy doesn't always make for a good father.

I refuse for others to tell me how I should or shouldn't feel though! This happened to me for most of my childhood.

I'd like to think that most people just have no idea how bad it can be.

Hope you are feeling better.

db

dollydo

I do understand, I feel like I am surrounded by fixers who have no clue as to what actually did and does go on. Looking from the outside in is easy, living in the inside of the vortex, is another situation altogether.

Setting bounderies will help you, they are set to protect you. Sometimes we codies need to understand that it's each man for themselves.

Take care of you and rant away, we are here for you.

cb12

Thanks all. I am feeling better this afternoon.

I just get so frustrated with my dad's wife. She probably thinks that she's doing us all a favor by trying to repair the relationship I have with him, but it's not her job. I feel that she and others try to convince me that I should like my dad because of this or that, but it doesn't change anything.

I'm not close to her (if you couldn't already tell). They got married after I'd met her maybe 4 times, so I don't know her that well. I want to be able to say, "Look lady, stop trying to fix this. Our family is broken and you're not going to fix it by telling me how long he's been sober or by having your buddies tell me how great they think my dad is."

I should have followed my instincts yesterday and left after listening to his boss. Let me just say, that his boss wasn't the nicest of people. He kept talking about politics and how my dad should reign me in and make sure I follow his politics. Excuse me- please don't tell me anything about how I should vote, or believe or think. I am a very independent 24 year old woman with a college degree who can think and vote any way she wants to.

Sorry to rant again. That whole thing yesterday was just so triggering for me.

Willybluedog

Boundaries are really hard to learn, my therapist works with me every week on how to keep them firm and minimize triggers.

I have a bad temper and a very sharp tongue. I used to fight at the drop of a hat, but have gotten much better over the years.

I know I would be tempted to defend mom and to throw something out there like, "yeah well you didn't know him when he was man ass drunk did you"!

I have learned that it makes a much bigger statement if you just get up and leave. If someone asks me why I am leaving I simply say "your behavior is inappropriate and it is better for me to leave than to say something I may regret later".

They are sitting there with egg all over there face and you get to be the reasonable adult!

Don't let any of these clods bait you into an argument, they are not worth the time or aggravation.

If you do need to throw something out there, you might say to the boss that it is a violation of federal law to attempt to influence the way your employees vote.

One of the things my therapist does with me is play a game called "who owns it".

When my dad is trying to get me to drop everything to solve a problem of his she tells me to ask myself "who owns this problem" if the answer is "not me" then I draw my boundary.

You dad owns his alcoholism and the damage he caused, all you own your is your feelings about the issue.

Your step-mother owns none of it, neither does your dads boss, so don't worry about them.

I hope this helps, I may not have done as good a job discussing it as I could have, if you want to kick it around you know where to find us.

EveningRose

Pretty obnoxious for some guy to get involved with his employee's family issues. I think I would have given him a blank, inquiring expression, and asked, "Are you saying it was my mother's fault?" Let him address the implication directly, let him see what he just said.

cb12

I saw my aunt (dad's sister) on Monday and found out that she is just as annoyed as I am with these "status reports" on my dad's sobriety. She offered to say something to my dad's wife about it claiming that she was in a better position to be "estranged". I thanked her, but said that I should probably draw the boundary because she sees me more often than my aunt.

So here's the million dollar question: how do you politely draw a boundary with a "step-mom" you don't really like, but feel you need to keep it all on an even-keel? It sounds Codie, but I don't want/need to go no contact, as he seems to be working on his sobriety and he didn't do anything wrong this time.

People are so damn complicated.

Willybluedog

IMHO you have to decide how much you can and will tolerate and work backwards from that point.

How much of a relationship do you want? I put up with a certain amount of crap from my mother (the A) so I can maintain a relationship with my father.

My dad has chosen to stay, and by staying he enables my mothers drinking, which aggravates me to no end, but is not my problem to solve.

I have made it clear to my parents what I will and will not not tolerate from them.

When that line is crossed I leave. I don't care if it is in the middle of x-mas dinner, I don't care how big a scene it causes, I gather my family and my things and walk out.

It only took two of these episodes for them to get the message that the boundaries were firm, that I was serious, and that their behavior had to change if they wanted me in their life.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

Chrisy

This is what we are here for each other for. I do understand your feelings of anger. They are very valid.

frances2011

Thank you for your shares. I am nodding my head in understanding and sending you good vibes. Glad we can share with people who understand.

Parents are complicated, so are step-moms, bosses, so much carp rolled up in a ball.

Those situations would have triggered the heck out of me. One of my siblings wears a martyr crown and many people love and admire her. "What I Own" are my feelings and my experiences of being in relationship with her. I don't own the relationships she has with other people. I've been No Contact with her for two years this month. It hasn't been easy because it tears my dad and step-mom apart that "We aren't a Happy Family."

LOL, guess what? My experience is that we were NEVER a happy family. We were people caught in addictions and codependency. Every holiday was a nausea-anxiety day to be endured.

The sanest, safest, least-damaging behavior for me is to not talk to her. That's my boundary.

Sort of OT the original thread, but I wanted to share some thoughts about boundaries and my experience of the "real deal" of how-things-were, how the games are still in motion and how it effects me today.

P.S.--On step-moms, I am cordial and respectful to her as my dad's wife for the past 26 years. She is not my mom. I feel she "expects" me to pay her The Mother Respect and Care She Has Coming to Her as Her Due because of her position. I struggle with being cordial but not going much past that. She guilts me because I don't "behave" like a Dutiful Daughter.

Thanks for letting me share.