Lilmssunshine

My Mom is an adult child of an alcoholic Mother. She also was sexually abused by her father for years.

Fast forward to today. We moved in together since the economy fell/her second divorce. Im doing everything I can to move away from her. In the mean time...

She overreacts over the smallest thing. Ex. We have blue sponges for certain expensive pots/pans. And green ones for misc. I forgot the difference in colors, cleaned the bathroom with a blue sponge. She fixated on the fact that I used the wrong sponge. I have to change the subject or she will go on n on about it. She loves chaos and will create it out of nowhere. Today somehow blue sponge for the kitchen went MIA. I had a busy school day, and was getting ready for an interview when she hatefully accused me of taking the blue sponge again. She literally got mad about it. I said im sure itll come up. If she thinks I took a sponge, picture, or anything else she will punish me somehow for it. Like in highschool she pushed me into the tv over a pic she misplaced that she accused me of taking. Then kicked me out of the house. Also were sharing a car because mine broke down a couple of months ago. We had a verbal agreement, I could use her car to go to school til I get my tax return. I was in class when she harrassed me by calling over and over, texted threatening texts saying she will call the cops and tell them I stole her car. She forgot I was at school. Why couldnt she just ask where I was instead of automatically flying off the handle? I tell her she overreacts and she tells me its because of me? I dont cause her to overreact over small things.

And she will follow me around the apt yelling and screaming while I try and diffuse the convo. Its like she is addicted to fighting.

How do I deal with this? Im moving out soon but until then. What do I do or say?

Any experience with this in any of your relationships?

dollydo

Many times people become addicted to drama, if there is not enough in their life, they will create it. My mother is a master, I think she missed her calling and should be on the stage, she's a natural.

The man she lived with for 21 years died last year, she had beat him to a pulp, he NEVER did anything right, she verbally abused him day in and day out...he finally had enough and was going to move out...unfortunately, he died before he was able to. I always felt bad for him, how he put up with her abuse is beyond me.'

Honestly, if your mother doesn't seek therapy, nothing will change, in fact, the older my mother gets, the worse her tantrums and abuse has gotten. Presently, I am not speaking to her, as, since her BF died I have been her target, I've had enough...this is the third time that I have gone no contact with her...once 4 years, another 10...it was her or me, I chose me.

All I can suggest is that you be patient, get your car and start planning to move back on your own, she is toxic and without intense therapy she will not get better.

Sorry that you are having to deal with this situation.

Willybluedog

Ok,

This is the only thing that ever worked with my ex-wife (who is psycho)!

Stop engaging, just say "ok", or say "it is what it is", or just walk away.

You are an adult, you do not have to argue with her, it will not take very many episodes of her not being able to draw you into an arguement before she will stop doing it.

Lilmssunshine

Thank you for the insight. Ive actually gone NC with her when she lived in Alaska and I lived in SC. During the months of NC she flipped her car 5 times and could have died. So ever since then ive been torn with not going NC with her again. Going NC with her makes me feel guilty now.

Lilmssunshine

I like that. I learned in my behavior modification class to keep saying something over and over. Like No..No. If a person's Tantrum persists. Ive used "Im not going to argue with you" Everytime she says something ugly. But then she tries to threaten or punish me with something. Its really hard dealing with her.

cb12

I think about things like this in terms of children. They want a reaction from you, good or bad, doesn't matter. They do whatever it takes to get your attention and then get your reaction. I would say ignore her in fits like that. It's bad behavior and she shouldn't be rewarded for it (the reward being your upset response). If you continue to ignore, she'll eventually get it and stop.

cb12

Haha. Whoops! You already knew what I had to say!

Kialua

While this is an atrocious problem and she certainly needs counseling I don't know if it's all because she was ACA. I find our traits tend to be more introspective: afraid of loud noises, waiting for the other shoe to drop, not liking to argue, not opening up to spouses, not keeping/making friends are a few of the things we have talked about lately here on the forum.

She does sound addicted to drama. Opting out of a fight *might* diffuse her. My friend was telling her daughter how to handle her aunt by saying, "You're right, I'm sorry." and not expect any apologies. Let it drop and walk away. But if she is into punishing you that is another ball o' wax.

dollydo

I understand the guilt, at first when I go no contact I feel the guilt, then as time goes by I feel better.

There is nothing that I can do to change my mother. She is living her life as she wants to, her bad choices are hers to deal with, not mine.

In your case, just moving out may be the answer, yiou will not be exposed to the drama
day in and day out.

tromboneliness

I would have it, "Move out, and when she calls, don't answer or call back." That part is almost as important. Remember: There is no law that says we have to answer the phone or return people's calls.

T